I want to drop everything and just give up.

[Otherside]

I'm beginning to struggle again. I want to give up. People don't see how hard it is getting for me they think it is a matter of taking the pills and I'm well. My boyfriend keeps saying he wishes I don't need support. I don't know how to react to that. He says he wishes that I didn't need the support group I attend, or the mentoring sessions that Student Finance have provided me with for as long as I'm in uni.

I can't see my doctor till next Monday. I spoke on here earlier about being unable to see a psych and being randomly discharged. Well I have to go through the whole referral process again. I'm at the point where I'm tempted to up my meds myself instead of waiting months until I can see a consultant.

And they're reassessing me for disability payments. I'm not fucking interested in a debate about whether it's right that they're paid out of your taxes. I'm suspecting they'll take me off. I don't have the heart to go through appeals and to the tribunal again when that happens. I don't have the heart to sit through an assement where a random stranger tells me what I am capable of and how Ill I am not and a scrounger trying to scrounge money off the State based on a fifteen minute conversation. I want to bury my head in the sand and pretend this doesn't exist. It's easier to avoid it. People have told me to not be so fucking stupid, to call an advocate and get help. Even that seems like to much - I feel like they'll tell me the same thing. That I'm a fraud who's conviently getting sick when her benefits are up for reassement.

I feel like a fraud after all. I see people who are sicker than me and I feel like I don't have this. I feel angry at myself for not being strong enough to control it. It makes me feel weak that I have this. When I think about how this will be with me for the rest of my life, I just despair. I think that I can't stick with this for a long time. I can't go through with uncontrollable symptoms again. I honestly feel that if my meds truly stopped working, if I was truly sick enough again that I was back where I was, and no meds work, well. What do I do then? Barely anyone truly understands this.

It makes no sense that I'm wanting to quit it either. I get good marks. I love computers, I love programming. But now? Everything is met with disinterest and apathy, and I spend the entire day just wanting to go home and hide away in bed. It's easier to cope with the illness when I don't have to deal with other people.

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

[Total Eclipse]

Otherside, call the advocate. They are there to help you... and protect your rights, with your disabilities. They know what the system does.. and they help people that need it, (like you) get resources and accommodations, that you need. PM me if you need to talk ((hugs))

[Lunaire]

I can't say that I know or understand what you are going through.... but nonetheless I wish you the best and hope that you are able to find the strength to move forward with your goals and ambitions.

[Member11]

...

You're not a fraud, don't think like that No-one should make you feel bad about yourself, especially since you never asked for what you are going through. Just because you take meds that doesn't mean you are 100% better, there is no meds that do that. Plus there are also the side effects. People who think meds can cure everything completely has no idea what they are thinking about. Call the advocate and have someone fighting for you.

PM me anytime if you ever need to talk

[Total Eclipse]

I found this for you, OtherSide..

[Total Eclipse]

More happy pictures for Otherside ((((hugs))))

[Otherside]

Hey guys, sorry it's taken me a while to reply, been at uni all day.

So I'm not feeling as down about the whole thing today as I was last night, which is good. I'm also not going to drop uni like a complete idiot. Also had a chat about things with a friend. She's told me that I have a condition, and there's nothing to be ashamed about if I need to ask for help.

As for the advocacy and service...can't help me with the reassement form, but they can come to the assements (and possibly tribunal) to make sure it's fair. They've told me to call citizens advice to get help with the form.

Probably isn't helping that I'm short of sleep as well. So I'm going to go home and well...sleep...

And thanks for your support and help guys. You guys on this forum are amazing :hugs

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

[Total Eclipse]

Otherside, I'm so glad you spoke with a friend.. Take it one step at a time. There is nothing to be ashamed about, she is 100% right... and yes, please get some sleep. Keep us updated

[poisontongue]

I know the feeling. I'm alone in life, don't enjoy anything, don't care about anything in any impactful way, don't have anything but grades... and people, all they can say is to go talk to someone and take medication. Like that's some magic solution I hadn't thought of. I'm so fed up with reassurances and false promises. My life is what it is. I'm stuck in a bad situation in a place I don't want to be. There's nothing I can do about it. I don't matter.

Part of the reason I left that other anxiety site was because of such smartasses. Disability is all I have, and it's such a tenuous margin of survival. I'm not getting better. I never will. The thoughts of the horrible things I'd do keep getting worse. I am alone. There's nothing that helps. Still they tell me the same things.

They make us, then make us feel bad, and then put us in an environment where such demeaning sentiments are only amplified. But there's no escape. I just watch people who did nothing get the good life while I, who worked way too hard for nothing important, will be lucky if I get something below mediocre. When does it become worth it? When? Meds, and therapy, and UGH, and I wish I could lock myself in my room forever. They may let me outside from time to time, but ultimately I'm still locked in a cage.

[Sainnot]

I feel like I want to give up every day. And I also just wish that everything would magically get better. I don’t see any way for me to ever be happy, so I wonder what’s the point of trying anything then? I mean who cares about whatever “good” I can do while I’m alive, if I’m just going to die miserable and become a pile of dirt?