I'm beginning to struggle again. I want to give up. People don't see how hard it is getting for me they think it is a matter of taking the pills and I'm well. My boyfriend keeps saying he wishes I don't need support. I don't know how to react to that. He says he wishes that I didn't need the support group I attend, or the mentoring sessions that Student Finance have provided me with for as long as I'm in uni.
I can't see my doctor till next Monday. I spoke on here earlier about being unable to see a psych and being randomly discharged. Well I have to go through the whole referral process again. I'm at the point where I'm tempted to up my meds myself instead of waiting months until I can see a consultant.
And they're reassessing me for disability payments. I'm not fucking interested in a debate about whether it's right that they're paid out of your taxes. I'm suspecting they'll take me off. I don't have the heart to go through appeals and to the tribunal again when that happens. I don't have the heart to sit through an assement where a random stranger tells me what I am capable of and how Ill I am not and a scrounger trying to scrounge money off the State based on a fifteen minute conversation. I want to bury my head in the sand and pretend this doesn't exist. It's easier to avoid it. People have told me to not be so fucking stupid, to call an advocate and get help. Even that seems like to much - I feel like they'll tell me the same thing. That I'm a fraud who's conviently getting sick when her benefits are up for reassement.
I feel like a fraud after all. I see people who are sicker than me and I feel like I don't have this. I feel angry at myself for not being strong enough to control it. It makes me feel weak that I have this. When I think about how this will be with me for the rest of my life, I just despair. I think that I can't stick with this for a long time. I can't go through with uncontrollable symptoms again. I honestly feel that if my meds truly stopped working, if I was truly sick enough again that I was back where I was, and no meds work, well. What do I do then? Barely anyone truly understands this.
It makes no sense that I'm wanting to quit it either. I get good marks. I love computers, I love programming. But now? Everything is met with disinterest and apathy, and I spend the entire day just wanting to go home and hide away in bed. It's easier to cope with the illness when I don't have to deal with other people.
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