This is kind of lengthy, and possibly TMI...
In the hope that talking things out more, and with others with similar issues, will have a betterment upon me. I'm here to talk to others about my anxiety, hopefully help others as I grow, and become mentally healthy once again.
My name is Rose, twenty something living in Arizona. I'm currently speaking with a counselor once a week, and possibly looking toward starting a peer group once I find a suitable one in my area.
My anxieties as of the past year have come from being in a relationship. To start, this is my first relationship. Sexually, physically, mentally, I've always been "alone". My mind is constantly going over the back of forth of right/wrong, fight or flight, am I stuck or do I want to be here, am I in love or am I not? What is love? Can I achieve it? Why am I not as sexual as others? Why can't I achieve orgasm all the time? Why am I not physically lusting over my boyfriend 24/7? Is there something wrong with me? Is this happening because I'm really gay? Etc. Pretty much any doubt you can have in a relationship, I've been having them in spades. It's not helpful, it's extremely stressful because I love and trust my boyfriend, we have a great relationship, he's super understanding and cherishes me. It's hard on me because I see him being so content with life, despite having his own mental health issues. I worry that I don't look or show him the happiness I give him. Sometimes I feel numb to his love, and numb to give love, but that's from the anxiety. When I'm "normal" I feel good in our relationship, I believe in my affection, I love being near him, I'm not irritable with him. A lot of the times it's a switch between happy/"normal" one day, and anxious/numb/irritable the next.
So I'll be here to mostly talk to others, possibly journalize my thoughts publicly for speculation sake. I'm again very open and honest with myself and others to the best of my abilities, I'm here to learn to stop fearing these anxieties and just LIVE.
Hope to chat with you all soon!
Rose
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