I feel like if I was shot at close range in the chest with a shotgun. But it's all just a bunch of cortisol and other crap like that saturating my system.
The details of the story don't matter, but after hearing something from a friend it made me feel pretty bad, I'd probably cried if my brother wasn't in the room (the chump still doesn't talk to me by the way). I told another friend about it, and she told me this:
She's right. I don't seem myself learning to deal with it, that's long and I'll elaborate but first starting from that, there's this: To put it bluntly, when certain people, not everyone (on a pattern I haven't identified yet), talk about their love and sex lives, it provokes me a great deal of misery, mainly because I don't have any hopes at all to have one for myself in the near future, at least two years from now (more on this later, too). I guess that means that I should forget about talking to new people, because it's not only if someone explicitly talks about their relationships, it also could be indirect comments that hint about it (regardless if that's the intention of the person), and I make the association in my head. I don't wanna go around telling a person I just knew "hey, please refrain to talk about this, that, and this". Some friends I have, even if they know how I react and they do avoid saying things that would make feel bad, there's a knowledge of what's going on with their lives that I just can't avoid. It could be said that I should then speaking to them altogether, but that would just emphasize my isolation and loneliness.You will keep hearing these kind of things over and over again if you're conversing with normal healthy girls. It's inevitable. Which means you can't afford to get depressed and cry over it every single time.
If I were you I would avoid these kind of topics altogether until you somehow learn to deal with the thought of other people having normal lives.
So why I don't feel I'll be able to learn to deal with it. Basically, because like I said, I don't hold hopes. Some say that I shouldn't make such a big deal of this and there are other thing in life. But I sincerely ask you to imagine yourself never have being the object of anyone's romantic affection at the age of 25. Remember all the people you've been with until that age and think that instead of whatever relationships you had, you have instead a regret and a bad memory of yet someone else you would have like to know but you didn't. If you are one of those people who don't have a need for other's affection, kudos for you; same goes if you have enough with your family's affection, but you won't really understand how I feel.
Sure, there are other things in life, and I can have some distractions. Last week I was relatively well and proof of it is my like of whining about the subject in this place. But when I'm struck by this feeling of envy, frustration and hopelessness, there's not much else to do but to wait until it fades away. Nothing I can do will fix it before because the cause of my gloom it's still there.
I can't see how I wouldn't feel bad knowing about others having something I really want but I don't have hopes to get. So why I don't have hopes. I've tried to explain this many times but people don't seem to understand, like if they aren't capable of imagining living in circumstances different to the ones hey have. For at least the next two years, there simply won't be any likely scenarios where I could be and where I would be able to socialize with women on a regular basis. I've spend eight years on college, I wasted my opportunities on the one I was before, and my current one it's arranged on a way that eliminates it from being one of these scenarios. At the risk of sound full of myself, there is already the huge incompatibility I have with the majority of people in my country, most people lack any intellectual ambition, even those at my university, and the ones who have the ambition are usually involved by the consideration of partying as the main form of entertainment that infects almost everybody in this country. I refuse to change who I am and get involved in activities I don't enjoy. I remember that thread of one guy who was pissed of at his friend for getting into a yoga class mostly to meet women, like one should only be involved in something only for the pure sake of it. I hate feeling that somehow I have to justify myself to others. But I haven't found any groups dedicated to the things I'm interested in (please don't ask what are my interests, that has been done already and when I tell them there's no answer, like if people didn't have the gut to admit that my interest don't help at all), and even if there were such groups I doubt they'll include many women (I blame culture and not any ridiculous notion that they are only naturally inclined towards certain things), who would already be extensively pursued by the other likely lonely men in the hypothetical group.
I don't feel that bad right now, but I'm no bundle of joy either. I might just resign to put up with these periods of misery, because as I described I don't hold hopes of getting out of this situation, and at the same time I don't see how these subjects won't bother me as long as I'm on it.
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