Anyone out there??? help :(.....

[Sagan]

Hell I don't know what to say. It was on near this date 4 years ago my wife called it quits. I am still deeply effected to this day.

Just depressed and unable to let go. The subject title is too much. I am just depressed and venting. ugh why

Maybe a better fit in the frustration forum.

[Member11]

[merc]

I'm not sure what to say but I will describe the way I felt when I was severely depressed following, the good news that my middle child, the one with spin bifida didn't need anymore surgeries. My husband was bouncing up and down happy. I was angry. This was as good as she was ever going to be. An almost three year old who wasn't potty trained. Her two year old brother was already well on his way to being potty trained. I had two potties.

During this time period I was a stay at home Mom. I live in the countryside. I saw no people. Real fun was a trip to the grocery store by myself. My husband was never home. He has a job that keeps him away from home a lot and he now admits to not wanting to be home, so he was spending time with friends at the bar a lot of the time. He used to deny this or pretend he was working. The care of my sick child, the colostomy bags, the mucus fistula, the anal dilitations, the forcing of medication down her throat. All fell on me. I was exhausted my daughter was a rascal. She and her brother were like twins. I also had an older child a five year old. If we went for a walk I cram them into a two seat stroller. Originally one of the treatments was to try giving her miralax to get her stool soft enough. when it would get soft enough it was like liquid that would eat through her skin. She would get blisters that looked like you poured scalding water on her but. Ilex is good for that. It kind of looks like rubber cement that you seal wounds with . On top of the ilex you used diaper rash cream.

When you have a child that needs several surgeries you sort of hang on waiting between surgeries. Oh in four months the next surgery she'll be better. I joined a online support group, however, some of the people on the support group had children with worse situations. Is it ok to even feel bad about your child when someone is dealing with a child who needs extensive spine lengthening procedures? I later learned that most parents of children with spin bifida say that the orthopedic and mobility issues are minor compared to dealing with the bowel and bladder problems.

Around the time of the last major surgery which was being done at my insistence that something was still not quite right. The doctor asked several questions about her care, my husband the now someone was watching attempted to answer the questions first. The doctor would then turn to me and I'd answer the question completely differently. How's potty training? My husband say good. I'd say it sucks etc., etc. At the hospital, my husband spent an extraordinary amount of time on the phone talking so very sweetly with ???? i'm not sure to this day who he was chatting with. Anyway, when he hung up with this person, he sat there with this huge smile, but when I asked him who was that, it like jolted him back to reality, his face clouded over and he snarled none of your business.

At that moment I was 100 percent convinced he was having an affair. I asked to use the phone. He said use your own that's what I bought you one for. I had to dig it out of the bottom of my travel bag. At this point in my life I had no friends, no one other than my Mom and sisters even knew that we were in Philadelphia. During this surgery the doctor removed a lot of scar tissue from the rectum that was causing most of the problems. After this surgery he declared her as good as she was ever going to be and that all that could be done for her surgically was done. My husband was overjoyed. I was disappointed. I was going back to miralax, having to potty train an untrained child who has little sensation of when she needs to go. My husband went back to never being around.

I fell into a deep dark depression that I don't wish on anyone. I wasn't thinking right. I had no hope. This was as good as it was ever going to be. I'd go to bed at 7 or 8 p.m. My husband would roll in 9 or 10 p.m. maybe 1 a.m. I didn't care...I get up with Connor at 2 a.m. feed him while watching Conan O'brian, actually that is the most pleasant of these memories.

This went on for quite awhile, winter into spring. I finally got into a huge fight with my husband following one of his not coming home bouts. He left after I accused him of having an affair. I remember just sitting and crying and crying and crying it was truly awful. Despite the lowest feeling I've ever had in my life I realized that my kids needed me. How could I not be there for my sick baby? I know first hand how terrible people can be. I went and got help. I was dismayed by how the psychiatrists just sort of want to hand you out a pill to feel better. I joined a Mom's club, here's an eye opener, every Mom in that group was on an antidepressant. I quit the pills cold turkey, had big wild mood swings. I pissed off the psychiatrist,who was angry that despite doing well on the pills I quit because I could not believe that every Mom in the Mom's group of 10 women in total were on pills.

Since this point, my husband and I have worked very hard to patch up our relationship. My daughter with spin bifida is now 11 almost 12. Her kidney reflux has improved she used to be grade two, now she has grown, her kidneys grew and are adult sized and reflux is now grade one!!! We have bowel management down. She is growing, I'm not sure if she'll be 5 feet tall... I'm worried about her spinal cord re-thethering, so far so good. My oldest is in all the advance placement course at school. My youngest is also doing well.

I've not been depressed like that since and I'll just say depression warps your thoughts and you can't get away from it, them. I've not been the same since my depression. I've always been extremely shy which I now realize extremely shy to the point of mutism and hiding from people is social anxiety. There are people who know me, who I never once told them about my daughter's condition during that bleak period. Why? how do you bring it up? Also a sister accused me of using my daughter's illness for attention and sympathy. I've also had two episodes of PTSD flashbacks, very scary.

Sagan, I'm so very sorry if i bored you with my long saga. I'm sorry about your wife. If she was depressed, all her thoughts were clouded and warped.Donna

[Sagan]

Thank you for sharing that with me. You didn't bore me. That is a lot for someone to go through. I am glad things have gotten better for you over time. I admire your strength Donna.

My ex wife was cheating on me with her co worker for several months before she asked for a divorce. I knew something strange was going on. When I would show her affection, she would pull away. When it would be time to pick her up from work she would call and say not to because Paul was going to give her a ride home. How strange I thought because it would take hum 20 miles out of his way. She just wasn't acting like her self anymore. She wasn't depressed and was very outgoing. I suspected for a while that she was cheating, but didn't have the heart to confront her about it. When she sat down with me and said she wanted a divorce. She said she had basically fallen out of love with me and couldn't handle my mental illness anymore. I had several psychotic episodes in the last couple years we were together and hospital stays. Well after she asked for the divorce she was moved out in 2 weeks, and had moved in sure enough with that very co worker she was cheating with me on. It all happened so fast I was in disbelief. I spent that Christmas alone in our house all of her things gone, crying a lot.

I could not afford the rent payment on my own at the time, So I had to quickly find a place I could afford. I ended up renting a room in a house and putting all of my stuff in storage. She was my first real relationship and maybe my last given the severity of my SA. So every year around this time the depression returns and sucks me in. I know the best thing to do is to not listen to music that reminds me of her and distract myself and keep busy. But it's a battle and sometimes the depression wins and I end up in tears. I guess it's just going to take time for me to heal and move on.

[Skippy]

,

[Sagan]

Man Skippy. I can only imagine how hard that must be for you. I'm sorry you have to endure living with WHILE not being together anymore. Thank you for the positive thoughts. I won't give up. I've just got to pull myself together. I mean it's been 4 years already come on Josh, pull yourself together. We were together for 5 years.

Don't worry you made sense to me.

[Chantellabella]

Hi, my friend. I'm sorry I wasn't here yesterday to see this.Still on the road (in a library presently). I'm sorry that you're struggling right now. I wish I had more time and ability to sit and talk. Just know that you're heard and loved, ok? Keep talking because I know it's not much, but it will make you feel better. Hang in there.

[James]

I know what it's like to lose the one that you love, and I know how painful it is trying to go on as if nothing happened when your heart is really shattered into a million pieces. I know it's hard but try to stay strong. I've been cheated on before, actually I've been married twice and divorced twice, and both times I caught them cheating. Thank god I caught it fairly early and ended it, both times. (I must have "cheat on me" written on my forehead). For me, in a way it made the separation a little easier to take because I know there was nothing left to save. It was as if there was no point in even trying to salvage the relationship, because they were seeing someone else...why bother. But it still hurts like hell.

[Sagan]

Thank you James for sharing your story. Sometimes I feel like I have no right to complain when I read of others struggles. Which far out weigh mine. However I know its all relative and different for each of us. I thank you James for sharing your story. I also thank you Cindy for your big heart and caring nature. Thank you for posting