I had been getting them a bit more often lately, and it's unbearable. I don't understand why this is happening now. I suppose it's because I shoved it all under the rug all these years, and after finally coming to terms months ago with what happened in 2009, things been feeling worse.
I wrote a personal essay for a publication about my experience (it was my choice to do so), and although I didn't mind much that the general public will read this, it was painful trying to remember the experience in exact details. On the good side of things, it helped me come to terms with what happened... and it allowed me to properly move on, if you will. But since then, I've had nightmares more often where I'd "relive" what had happened. I already got nightmares like this before I wrote the essay.. but it'd be once every 2-3 months. Now, it's once every 2 weeks or so. As with flashbacks, it'd be at least once a week.
It leaves me in a weird mood, and I'd no longer feel like myself for a couple hours (or a whole day). It'd help if I go to a counselor about this, but I cannot afford one at the moment... even those that are $20/session.
Journaling has helped, but aside from that.. it's just so frustrating feeling like the rapes happened just yesterday. The flashbacks for today came on about 1 hr ago or something... just got done crying right now (for now, at least).
*sigh* I don't know anymore... I try to tell myself that all that happened years ago.. that things are okay now... that I no longer have to deal with this guy, but still...
Sorry for this thread... I really needed another outlet other than my journal for this tonight I'm not expecting much responses here.. but ya..