Is it normal to want to die after you grocery shop?

[nothing]

I'll answer my own question and say no, but that's how I feel after today's trip. I keep going there on my own, but it doesn;t get any less anxious, in fact, today was the worst trip yet. I constantly feel like people are watching me and judging me, even though I tell myself that they aren't. I feel like I'm going to fall over dead at any moment and that would actually be a giant relief and victory for the world. I'll never have confidence, I'll never amount to anything but an anxious loser. There was a really nice, cute checkout girl there and I could barely look at her. I tried to be pleasant and friendly, but I just looked like a complete moron. It's freezing cold in there, she was actually wearing a jacket, but I'm in there in shorts and a tshirt and still sweating like mad. It just reminds me of how I'll be a completely lonely, miserable failure living with his mother until one of us dies and hopefully it'll be me, and soon, because I honestly don't know how much more fucking misery I can take before I just snap. I probably won't though, now that I think about it, I'm too much of a worthless coward to do ANYTHING, even snap. I wish I had died of my overdose in February, I really do.

[Nightingale]

First things first - every time I see this post title, I nearly crack up. You're being unintentionally funny.

I don't wish you'd died of your overdose; just like I'm glad I didn't die of mine. And I have laid on the floor in a fit, ranting at the thin air because I'm too healthy to immediately die of a disease, too chicken to walk out in front of a bus, and sooo pissed off at God, the universe, fate - whatever - because it seems sometimes like we live just well enough to do nothing but fucking suffer. Which is stupid, considering, but sometimes I really feel like that.

Two and a half years, and I still hate going out to stores. Especially stores. I feel like I walk around with a big red exclamation mark above my head. I sweat like a [BEEP] in church, eyeball everyone around me, jerk at the stupidest things, and literally count the seconds until I can get the hell out of there. I used to feel like, it's so much effort to be around people. It's so hard to look preoccupied with the day, to bustle around mindlessly. To look like I have something going on in my life, or just to look like I don't care. To look normal, basically.

For me, it's lessened with time. I go out to stores a little more now, even went to the mall with my son last week. I think grocery shopping is reserved as a special place in Hell, personally. So I rarely go, but I did go this weekend. It was alright. Seldom do I ever look at people, such as the cashier. But, I've been burned so many times in the past, not looking is safer. I never know what to say when people see my name (from my credit card) and say, "You're that lady in the newspaper..."

Yeah, that's me. Shut up, give me my crap, and let me go. NO, I don't want to hear about your experience with sexual trauma. Especially with my kid/husband standing here. I'm sorry, but I guess I'm just a [BEEP] right now about that.

You know what bothers me? I used to be really friendly. My eldest son even copied me when he was a toddler. We have a photo of us out at dinner, and my son was beaming at the waiter, babbling to himself. My mom took that photo because she said that I looked exactly like him when chatting with people.

I always think about that.

I think I must be entering an angry phase, because reading your post, I feel like that cat video on tumblr. The one where it's pushing things like a pen, an iPhone, a bottle cap off of a countertop. The captions say something like, [BEEP] this...fuck that...screw that thing in particular...nope...get this thing the [BEEP] out of here...

On the outside it looks like false bravado, I know. But really? Screw all these hateful things we say to ourselves.

[Sainnot]

When I go to the grocery store I get stressed out because of all the people around and I just can’t wait to get back home. At the start of my journey I’m optimistic because I know that there’s a chance that I’ll make a friend along the way, but as things unfold, I never talk to anybody and it starts to dawn on me what a waste of time this was. And then I just want to go home and be protected by the walls blocking the other people from view.