Trust.

[Peter C.E.]

Because of what people did to me over the years (including my support staff), I find it hard to trust people. I rarely want to go into a shop alone. Maybe I have a combination of phobias. I tend to fear busy or crowded places, which makes traveling impossible.

[Chantellabella]

I understand that trust can be an issue when someone hurts you. I still find that I'm mistrustful of things that remind me of past abuse.

I used to run from things that reminded me of the abuse, but lately I've been standing up to it. I guess I've been telling myself that if I run, then I'm still letting them bully me.

So I've been forcing myself to trust a few things in spite of being afraid. Somehow that gives me some psychological power over my past abusers. Does that make sense?

[Chantellabella]

Sorry for removing some of my prior posts. I did notice a new member signed up accusing me of causing all my grief and someone thanked her. What do they know? Sigh.

My confidence is extremely low. I still don't have an advocate. My intentions are too unrealistic anyway. I doubt I'd get everything back in my life that I want to, just because I'm sorry or whatever. What happened, happened. But I know I'll be feeling the brunt of all that forever, if I allow it.

I don't feel like my flat is really my flat anymore. I don't just mean because the court snatched it from me. I mean that due to everything that occurred, my relationship with that agency wouldn't be the same anyhow. However, I find it hard to "let go" of these people because I remember all the good times and without them, I am sort of lost. I keep getting people saying to find a new agency. I don't think I want one. AI was everything to me. Therein lay the issue at the core; I was NEVER meant to get attached to anyone. Their job was 'to get me a life' while just indirectly being a part of it. That sucks, but it's painfully true. Support workers are nothing else. I don't have it in me to socialize. I do try a little. I even email escorts saying Happy New Year and tell them my fantasies.

They don't care.

Well except for that last part about the escorts (not sure that part will help you) it sounds like you're at least accepting a few realities. Yes support workers are only there to assist you in working toward independence. Their job is not to be everything to everyone of their clients. It sounds like you're doing some healthy thinking now. That's pretty brave and smart.

[Misssy]

I don't need or expect trust from people. I move on with it because life keeps on going whether we hang on or not.