what is wrong with people?

[merc]

I'm having a terrible time understanding, how this friend of my daughter parents think? He needs a job. I know that it can be frustrating. This kid lives in the middle of nowhere, he doesn't drive, he can't drive until he buys a car. The parents have him fill out job applications on-line. One place offered him a job, he couldn't take it because of transportation issues. Because he doesn't have a job, they've taken away the phone, the internet and he is no longer able to attend youth group with my daughter and her friends. He came over to my house to use the internet. I went to take him home. His step-dad refused to let him inside, instructing his brothers and sisters to barricade the dog door so he couldn't try to crawl in later. It was 15 degrees out side and like most young people he was only wearing a hoodie.

I completely refused to argue with crazy step-dad and brought the kid home with me. He is 20. He has minimal job skills. No one seems interested in hiring him. He is 20, he acts like a 15 year old kid who is grounded. He can't do anything with out their permission. Children and youth have investigated his family before, he tells me all they do is observe them and eventually leave.

Step-dad has put surveillance cameras up everywhere so he can make sure everyone does their chores or whatever. He did find a job briefly; however, stepdad took all of the money for his keep. He didn't make much in that part-time job.

I've been the only one who has taken him places to fill out applications. He reminds me of a stray dog. Anyway, I had him call his Mom and he was allowed back home. I spoke to her and she told me he was only locked out because he had refused to move a woodpile. I know this was a lie. If it wasn't for me urging him to call home and let his parents know he was ok, they would never have tried to find him.


How do I help this person?

[Chantellabella]

You're not going to like what I say. I used to take in "strays" all the time. I bought them clothes for job interviews, let them stay with me when their parents threw them out, and generally wore a "Rescuer" sign on my head. When they were under 18, I worked with their parents as an advocate to model what they can do to help their child. When they were over 18, I showed them how to get jobs, set them up in some type of housing, and then let them fly. The key was I let them fly. When they came running back to me, I set boundaries, telling them that I had full confidence that they could figure out what to do next. It was harsh, but it was tough love. Some are in their 30's and 40's now and they have thanked me for kicking them out of the nest.

The problem I see here (and I may be totally wrong) is that the parents still have a ton of control over this kid. It sounds like their complete authoritarianism has crippled him into being a helpless child. If he has a "victim" persona and thinks he has to rely on others to fix him, you may be biting off way too much by helping him. If his parents cut him off, he may not be very equipped to face the world as an adult. That means he will probably land in your house and become your problem. If he's used to people telling him what to do and rescuing him like a child, he has no strong will to make it on his own. He'll play your sympathies, you'll start to resent taking care of him, and it will get ugly. I say this from experience. These strays are very hard to turn away.

I know it really hurts you to see him struggle, but the problem is really between the boy and his parents. He's an adult and therefore you can't call CPS if he isn't mentally or physically disabled. I'm not saying be cruel and turn your back on him completely. But being the answer to his problems won't make him stronger. It will actually make him weaker and more dependent on others.

Does that make sense?

[merc]

I think you hit the nail right on the head. This boy was raised in what I will call "a prison." Yet, I think in prison you would be allowed more control over your life. He seems unable to make a decision on his own. I'm so far am the only one I know who's taken this kid to fill out applications. I think that is what disturbs me the most. Most parents will do whatever they can to help their children succeed and be able to survive without them. This kid has never been allowed to think for himself. How on earth do you help someone who's waiting to be told what to do? I've already been kind of angry.

The current conditions they have him living in include: no television, no telephone, parents lock the phones in their bedroom, no internet no video games. He had an old nintendo gameboy type of game, but when his parents searched his room with a metal detector it was confiscated. He was allowed to go with my daughter to the mall this past weekend, because step-dad wasn't home. I made him fill out some job applications. I've urge him to think about his options. His older brother is thinking of moving out and taking him with him.

Children and youth has visited this family a few times. According to this kid, they come observe them for a while and nothing comes of it. I spoke to a family that lives near this particular family and they informed me that this family was a bit different.

I just seem to keep running into really bad parents of late. My nieces's boyfriend's mother and father got divorced. They did have a college account for this child with about $40,000. However, this Mom, following her divorce decided that she needed the money and blew the account on furniture, a car, etc. My thought was he should enlist Dad and together they sue her. She has a good job and wasn't left with nothing in the divorce either.


I've told this kid I will help him find a job, but he can't stay here. I just hope something comes through. I've tried to get him in at Target, but he didn't make it. They usually hire anyone, you should see some of the people I work with so I wonder, why?
I just wish he had more self confidence and even more of a realization that his step-dad is not right. I also realize I can't fix this kid. I also wonder how anyone, his Mom, stay with such a controlling weirdo. My daughter thinks this kid is great and I see that he has serious problems. A side note, his therapists shot and killed himself and his file was found on the desk. At least, this is what this kid believes or told my daughter.

I kind of don't believe it. Even if the therapist did kill himself why would anyone let him know that his file was found open on his desk.

[Chantellabella]

I think you hit the nail right on the head. This boy was raised in what I will call "a prison." Yet, I think in prison you would be allowed more control over your life. He seems unable to make a decision on his own. I'm so far am the only one I know who's taken this kid to fill out applications. I think that is what disturbs me the most. Most parents will do whatever they can to help their children succeed and be able to survive without them. This kid has never been allowed to think for himself. How on earth do you help someone who's waiting to be told what to do? I've already been kind of angry.

The current conditions they have him living in include: no television, no telephone, parents lock the phones in their bedroom, no internet no video games. He had an old nintendo gameboy type of game, but when his parents searched his room with a metal detector it was confiscated. He was allowed to go with my daughter to the mall this past weekend, because step-dad wasn't home. I made him fill out some job applications. I've urge him to think about his options. His older brother is thinking of moving out and taking him with him.

Children and youth has visited this family a few times. According to this kid, they come observe them for a while and nothing comes of it. I spoke to a family that lives near this particular family and they informed me that this family was a bit different.

I just seem to keep running into really bad parents of late. My nieces's boyfriend's mother and father got divorced. They did have a college account for this child with about $40,000. However, this Mom, following her divorce decided that she needed the money and blew the account on furniture, a car, etc. My thought was he should enlist Dad and together they sue her. She has a good job and wasn't left with nothing in the divorce either.


I've told this kid I will help him find a job, but he can't stay here. I just hope something comes through. I've tried to get him in at Target, but he didn't make it. They usually hire anyone, you should see some of the people I work with so I wonder, why?
I just wish he had more self confidence and even more of a realization that his step-dad is not right. I also realize I can't fix this kid. I also wonder how anyone, his Mom, stay with such a controlling weirdo. My daughter thinks this kid is great and I see that he has serious problems. A side note, his therapists shot and killed himself and his file was found on the desk. At least, this is what this kid believes or told my daughter.

I kind of don't believe it. Even if the therapist did kill himself why would anyone let him know that his file was found open on his desk.

Sounds like the kid is dealing with his problems through delusions. I can relate. When my situation was really bad, I told all kinds of stories too just to escape reality. I'm sure he's already done the whole "locus of control" thing and blames himself for all the family problems. In dysfunctional families there's always a scapegoat who learns to be guilty for everything wrong in the family. I'm sure he has little to no self esteem, probably feels that he's "bad" and "worthless," and may be projecting it on prospective employers. People can see that big sign on foreheads that say "I'm believe I'm crap." then they believe it. Kind of a vicious circle.

It sounds like you have some healthy boundaries with him. I know it breaks your heart to see a child hurt. You're kind-hearted. Just remember to see the difference between kind-hearted and enabling.

[cathering]

People have forgotten how to care and love one another and be more helpful and sharing of time and love... There is abundance out there its just that people are not distributing it around the right way so you get some who have too much shampoo and not enough time to spend with their kids or others have too much drink and not enough beds .... Etc...

Today while i was cleaning the [BEEP] dust bowl of hell the poor cats had hardly any water and the room was hot as hell .... The poor things i had to come in and turn on a fan and give them water and then turn around and do more [BEEP] work cleaning down stairs....

Only mum and i seem to be able to do the hard yakka hard work... I need a man around to do some mans jobs... I can't just wait for my nephew... To turn up...

Aren't you just proud of yourself the way you have destroyed my life girl... (to my older sister)....

[Chantellabella]

People have forgotten how to care and love one another and be more helpful and sharing of time and love... There is abundance out there its just that people are not distributing it around the right way so you get some who have too much shampoo and not enough time to spend with their kids or others have too much drink and not enough beds .... Etc...

Today while i was cleaning the [BEEP] dust bowl of hell the poor cats had hardly any water and the room was hot as hell .... The poor things i had to come in and turn on a fan and give them water and then turn around and do more [BEEP] work cleaning down stairs....

Only mum and i seem to be able to do the hard yakka hard work... I need a man around to do some mans jobs... I can't just wait for my nephew... To turn up...

Aren't you just proud of yourself the way you have destroyed my life girl... (to my older sister)....

Hi Cathering,

Merc has a specific problem with something and it kinda seems like you derailed the thread a little. Do you have anything supportive to tell merc to help her? She asked for some suggestions in her original post.

Thanks.