Hey so I'm back again. I use to be on here a while ago but as I got better with my panics I kind of drifted further and further away.
They never completely went away relationship issues made sure of that. They're not quite as aggressive or prolific as they once were but they're still there. I'm no longer passing out or getting gaps in my memory when I panic, I don't scratch or hurt myself as much, I can hear clearer when I'm in what I would have called a mini panic this time last year.
But for me I know I can be stronger than how I am at the minute, and while I have been stronger in some cases like being able to go to a huge New Years party and cope with the crowds (not well but I didn't go into the panic like I know I would have done if I got them badly at the time) and I could even watch the fireworks something which use to reduce me to tears and shakes without so much as a tremor. Achievement yay!!
I've been worse off than this but at least now I can key in on what some of the cause is I think, I'm not going to be able to talk about this in the open ever I think, it's something that reliving won't help me and it won't help me trying to keep things civil but we'll leave it at I trusted someone and they got me at my weakest... Twice and while anyone else would have called the police, shut them out of their life, leave them with everyone around them knowing what they did. I can't it's not going to be possible.
Think of it as choosing to give up your legs or something of that effect for the chance to live your dream life... Emphasis on chance.
I've had great support from the ever occurring boyfriend who's been amazingly understanding with the whole issue however this whole incident coupled with the strain my panics inevitably cause and our relationship issues (unrelated to my mental health, ever so slightly related to the incident) cause problems for him resulting in self harming as a form of punishment or coping with what at the time looked like the end for Mathew and Chloe. But regardless
we trouped through.
So now here I am, life rushing forwards but not getting better at the same time. My ability to trust has been left damaged. My belief that my biggest fear of men and rape and similar fashioned acts won't happen to me has been ignorance. My certainty of my future almost has been screwed. I have no idea how long events which have been on my mind for the past few months will affect me like this but they've been predominant enough for me to resort to coming back here (no offence)
As things stand at the minute every time I come into contact with a man sexual or not I'm very aware of their presence. Thankfully I'm more relaxed at work so it's less of a problem there. Unfortunately my boyfriend hasn't been as lucky because of the nature of the incident and what occurs between us., despite resorting to square 1. I now have what feels like an obligation to "complete" every bedroom activity otherwise I fear there will be a repeat of the horrible incident which is mental because I know I should be able to trust my boyfriend with that but because of my shattered trust I can't. So obviously afterwards or during I very much freeze up and have a mini panic.
I'm also now very aware of when I'm 'trapped' while taking part in bedroom activities which means it's very tricky for someone else to think about when in the moment to concentrate on.
I think for now I need more reflection and to listen more internally to how I'm feeling and why I'm doing what I'm doing. So on here's great for reflecting. I also think more communication is needed within my relationship something which normally is consistent but may not have been over coming busy weeks. So hay again. I'm back...
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Chloe
