Hi, everyone, I've been having a personal problem with my anxiety/paranoia and I've been trying my hardest to stop it, put it in its place and move on. I try everything from meditation to deep breathing and giving myself alone-time. Nothing is working, and I have this daily gnawing anxiety about "other girls"--I recently (3 months ago) began a great relationship with my boyfriend. It really is wonderful, and there is no reason for me to feel the anxiety/paranoia/envy I keep feeling--he's never done anything to lose my trust or make me think he's lying. He's never done ANYTHING wrong. He's been very supportive in fact of all my mental health issues (BPD-I, PTSD and massive anxiety problems). So I don't know what gives??
A lot of my behavior consists of automatically feeling negativity toward a pretty girl, mistaking her kindness for flirting, feeling affronted if a pretty girl talks to my boyfriend but ignores me, constantly pacing my house when I'm alone worrying that I'll never be good enough for him, constantly and aggressively comparing myself to other girls, feeling depressed that I can't compete with other girls, knowing I'd rather be myself but not being able to feel confident in that, paranoid thoughts that he might cheat on me (even though I can't stress enough how faithful and honest he is) and feeling aggressive in general whenever I "think" he "over compliments" our girl friends. Like, at my core/in reality I know how terrible it is.
And I don't voice this; I've told him how certain things make me uncomfortable, but I could never let him know how I really feel because I don't want him to feel abused by me because I love him so much. Like, I am aware enough to know that I'm the one with the problem, but it won't go away. It's physically painful as well as mentally exhausting and it lowers my self esteem daily.
I really just wanted to vent because it's bottled up inside me every day, and I would love any advice to stay envy or even jealousy. I want none of that in my relationship, especially since this is the first non-abusive one I've had. My anxiety is the problem here and I haven't been prescribed meds for anxiety, specifically. Even with my mood stabilizers it's tough as all hell.
Thanks.