Possibly depression? I'm such a mess...

[SmileyFace]

Where have I gone wrong...

I seriously don't even know where to begin. After going to therapy during all 4 yrs of college, I felt like myself again. More positive. Had my stuff together. I had so much motivation to do things and get things done. Then health problems started popping up. It got progressively worse over a span of 2 years; after 2 surgeries in a span of 1 yr, I'm doing so much better. I thought my mood would greatly lift afterwards, but nope. The health problems made it impossible for me to work out and be active, so I gained a significant amount of weight.

I thought it'd be easy for me to work off the pounds, but I haven't lost any. I'm still experiencing stress and anxiety... eating constantly, especially when I am not even hungry. I have no motivation to work out. In fact, everything feels like too much work. Even showering sometimes. Or washing 1-2 dirty plates in the sink. I go to work (where I perform quite well), go home.. then lay my fat [BEEP] on the bed for the rest of the day, then go to sleep. Repeat.

Lately, I've constantly felt like nothing's worth living for. I am in no way suicidal. I just simply wish I didn't have to put in much effort to achieve things, even the smallest goals. I went a while thinking I lack the basic skills and hygiene habits an adult should have, but I worry it may be far deeper than that. Maybe it's depression. I've gone through so much crap in my life, that maybe I am truly at a point where I find it unfair that I need to continue to put in effort to feel better or achieve something. There is a particular health problem I still have that I've been seeking treatment for, and since progress is extremely slow.. it's really dampened my spirits.

Am I just tired of life? I like that I exist. But I don't know what I'm living for. I've lost my way. I no longer know what I want to do in my life. I don't know what my goals or aspirations are. I don't know if everything I am doing is for myself or it's because that's what others around me expect me to do.

I don't know anymore And that scares me. I'm trying to figure out how to gradually get back on track. I know it'll take some discipline.. push myself to get things done and get myself together. But ugh...

[SmileyFace]

It sounds like depression. Are you still getting therapy? I know how hard it can be to push through when dealing with health issues, especially if there's pain involved.

I'm not going to therapy. Haven't since 2013. The fees were covered in my college tuition so that was lovely. But now that I am on my own, with insurance through my employer, it's crap and doesn't cover therapy.

[PinkButterfly]

SmileyFace WOW your first post hit me right on spot I am going through what you are typing about now not exactly of course but the physical health has affected me so bad it is just bad and me needing to lose weight and with me trying to exercise I have to be very careful . I am so sorry you are struggling so bad so please try and get some help I know its hard trust me I know I had to finally get a Christian counselor who is helping me over the phone since I don't leave my home she is amazing and she is strong minded which is what I sure needed. I do have to pay her out of my pocket she charges me 75.00 per month but she talks to me 3 times a week and for around 2 hours!!! I have home work to do so I do those and I am suppose to be on diet but so far not doing good at all she will call me out on it tomorrow. If you can afford her help let me know and I can hook you up with her and she will not rush things she said YOU have a lot of work to do and she is a Christian 100% who is teaching me a lot.

[SmileyFace]

Oh bummer. I didn't know there were insurance plans that didn't cover it.

Yeah.. there are some that don't. I do remember being given a list of cheap or free places for therapy, but it was for the area I used to live in. I guess it can't hurt to look up similar spots for the city I currently live in.

I know it's best I seek therapy in some way...