Where have I gone wrong...
I seriously don't even know where to begin. After going to therapy during all 4 yrs of college, I felt like myself again. More positive. Had my stuff together. I had so much motivation to do things and get things done. Then health problems started popping up. It got progressively worse over a span of 2 years; after 2 surgeries in a span of 1 yr, I'm doing so much better. I thought my mood would greatly lift afterwards, but nope. The health problems made it impossible for me to work out and be active, so I gained a significant amount of weight.
I thought it'd be easy for me to work off the pounds, but I haven't lost any. I'm still experiencing stress and anxiety... eating constantly, especially when I am not even hungry. I have no motivation to work out. In fact, everything feels like too much work. Even showering sometimes. Or washing 1-2 dirty plates in the sink. I go to work (where I perform quite well), go home.. then lay my fat [BEEP] on the bed for the rest of the day, then go to sleep. Repeat.
Lately, I've constantly felt like nothing's worth living for. I am in no way suicidal. I just simply wish I didn't have to put in much effort to achieve things, even the smallest goals. I went a while thinking I lack the basic skills and hygiene habits an adult should have, but I worry it may be far deeper than that. Maybe it's depression. I've gone through so much crap in my life, that maybe I am truly at a point where I find it unfair that I need to continue to put in effort to feel better or achieve something. There is a particular health problem I still have that I've been seeking treatment for, and since progress is extremely slow.. it's really dampened my spirits.
Am I just tired of life? I like that I exist. But I don't know what I'm living for. I've lost my way. I no longer know what I want to do in my life. I don't know what my goals or aspirations are. I don't know if everything I am doing is for myself or it's because that's what others around me expect me to do.
I don't know anymore And that scares me. I'm trying to figure out how to gradually get back on track. I know it'll take some discipline.. push myself to get things done and get myself together. But ugh...