Thoughts come crashing down

[Total Eclipse]

Do you ever have those days where it feels like everyone hates you? Where you can't do anything right? Where your struggling to understand people?

I feel pathetic; a looser; isolated; alone; scared; afraid; pathetic; self-guilt; anger.
And I want to reach out to people.. but, I feel too much of a bother

Self hatred is high tonight. I was reminded how pathetic and useless I really am. I try to tell myself 'and this too shall pass'.
But, how can I pass a broken personality... a broken soul? I don't understand how anyone could love me. I sometimes feel like I don't deserve love (I have not had any fights with my bf and things are going perfect). I don't feel even a cat should love me.... or platonic relationships. I'm just struggling with grasping why anyone should care about me I mean that in the most guanine way. I'm not very supportive at times, I'm awkward and sometimes am triggered by people getting too close to me. I honestly wish I was a better human >.<

Tonight was a random trigger for me that brought me back to the ground and spiral. And I feel the defeat role. I have so much anxiety there is pain going down my spine and I've shaken to the point even my fingernails and hair hurt. Under my eyes ache from overthinking.

Any built self esteem just went out the window. I'm so used to being told I'm pathetic, and that no-one could ever want me.. even the slightest peg-down on that issue... and someone saying that.. is enough to put me in overhaul doubt.

[NOTE: This is not for sympathy; and I don't need people to counter what I'm saying as it'll make me feel worse I just want to know if anyone else struggles with this]

[Otherside]

Don't have PTSD, but damn I really do get days like that. hugs:

Here if you want to talk.

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

[Total Eclipse]

@Otherside Thank you You have been amazing!!

Also, my partner comforted me [despite not wanting him to] and reassured me and was very understanding of my emotions... He had no correlation of why I was feeling so down.. but always knows how to lift me back up

I just need to draw my line in the sand.. and keep boundaries from toxic people!

Love and hugs to you all

[Lunaire]

I'm sorry that you had so many negative feelings... and that you feel that you're a bother to people. You're really not, and if someone thinks that you are then you don't want that person in your life anyway.

I think it can be a positive thing to doubt yourself at times. We are all human and we all have flaws because of this. If we didn't humble ourselves and criticize our thoughts and actions then we would never improve as a person. Improvement requires introspection.

I know it can be difficult to feel positive when we live in a world that is wrought with negativity, but we should take this as a challenge to rise up and be better than that.

Please don't ever feel like you don't deserve to be cared about or loved. Reach out to me if you ever want to talk.

[Total Eclipse]

@Lunaire Thank you You are seriously so sweet!

And I totally agree, some self-doubt and self-criticizing can be a good thing and can be very humbling and there needs to be a equal medium. As humans I think we need to evaluate our actions and reflect on them. . It's actually a very important part of my religious/ spiritual needs. I want to do better than yesterday, and the day before yesterday.

It's a hard balance between negative relations about oneself and positive ones. I'm also realizing outside influence can alter (for the good and bad) perception ... And yes, so much negativity, vengeance, and hurt in the world.. that outside criticism and comments I'm starting to realize needs to be sifted through and taken in a grain of salt. Sometimes people don't realize (or possibly they do) that their agenda on someone is more wrapped than what it is.. and it can seriously harm them if they aren't' equipped with dealing with people that use ad hominem and manipulation. I typically take to heart what people think about me and feel I need to change. And so it can be challenging.

I'm currently in the mindset "if I am all those things... I have to change..."
I want to feel like I deserved to be loved and that I'm not pathetic.

And some of that might be physical change, maturity change, as well as internal self esteem. I'm not sure. I just know I need a change (even if that means changing many things) as this feeling sucks

[Skippy]

Yer loved indeed, sis. I never told you much about it, but I suffer from PTSD too, or the nasty complex form. I think you know some of what caused it. im finally coming out with such. and you do deserve to be loved! Just keep workin on the changes u wanna see. you can do it!

[merc]

I actually clicked on your post because I'm feeling kind of down today. I don't really hate myself but don't understand others and why they can be so negative. I realize that I'm really not the one with the problem, but what is getting me sad is I can't help them and how can they not realize that they can't fix what is bothering them by bashing others. I avoid people like this but wow they are so...EVERYWHERE!!!! I liked the comment about the line in the sand and keeping boundaries. There is this person at work. I've always kept distant from. The only time I hear her genuinely laugh is at someone else's expense. For instance if someone comes up with a cruel insult or comeback she laughs like it's the funniest thing ever. She's been sort of mean, the eye roll type or after you leave you can sort of almost hear her negative view point being spouted to whoever is in earshot. I know because she has mean comments about oothers when they leave. I consider her a toxic person and someone to be avoided. My question is HOW do other people tolerate her????