Hearing God's voice

[Chantellabella]

I feel like I can hear god but I have a very, very wierd, complicated, fucked up, sometimes very estranged relationship with my higher power. A lot of my feelings have to do with my ex-gf's suicide. A lot of the feelings I have wrt our relationship have to do with my desperate pleas in the last moments she was alive to keep her alive, and how I tried to save her, with everything I had in me and failed, and how they allowed her to die, in my arms, anyway. A lot of my conversations with my god involve needless suffering. My gf died because of split second decisions that were made. She might have lived. If only. She might have had a chance. If only.

No one benefited from her death. No one. There is no silver lining. No one is better off from the suffering that came afterwards. Her kids....are still just a mess. It is the definition of needless suffering.

I don't think the god I believe in, the only god I know really cares whether I live another day or not, tbh. Most of the time. And, sometimes, I think they're watching over me. Idk. Most of the time I think they couldn't care less. And they could not care less about the suffering.

Yeah, I yell at whatever higher power is out there too. I even make deals like I won't mourn my tree if you help at least one of my kids.

But I'm guessing whatever is out there doesn't roll with deals.

I'm one of these people who have to believe everything has some reason (to keep my sanity) but I definitely don't like want the pain that goes with.

I spend a ton of time thinking about "why" and every time I come up with "i don't know." I have philosophical theories but that's about it

[Chantellabella]

My own take on this is that we make sense of what we thought we heard later on. As in, at first, we question what we exactly we heard. Bit like a dream. We wake, we can forget a dream in the first few seconds of wakening up. If we see something it might trigger flashes that we remember as the dream we had last night. Was it really the dream we had? Or was it just something the subconscious mind brought up due to the trigger we saw? Thus are you remember the voices as they happen or later due to a trigger? Thus a connection is made with the bible. I never knock religion. If it helps people out then it is doing only good. So I am not mocking your faith. If it keeps you happy then that is a good thing.

I've thought of that too but the words are so instanteous. Like I was immediately punished for wasting my time thinking vindictive thoughts about my past boss.

The punishment (in my eyes) was knocking red wax all down my newly painted wall. I bumped the table.

So while I'm scrubbing my wall which took 30 minutes, I angrily asked God why is it that I'm immediately punished for something and yet the people who shot at me, the people who hurt me for decades, got away with their crimes.

I instantly heard, "because you listen, they don't." I stopped in my tracks.

I realized that I had someone/something out there who cared for people and cared enough to discipline us like we do our children.

At that moment I pitied the people who hurt me. That refraining made me realize that it wasn't my place to seek revenge or dwell on what they did. I really felt sorry for them.

Now it didn't mean I wanted to be around them as they would continue the abuse (probably) but it was better to pity them and let it go than to spend my time thinking vengeful thoughts.