What if?

[InvisibleGuy]

Invisible Are you Okay??? sorry you are having a hard time and no I have no clue just as you have no clue of what I have been through and am going through .. but I have a feeling it is you crying out . Hugss my friend. I am here if you need to talk okay.

(((hugs))) back to you TyeDyed. I don't mean to seem like I'm crying out lol, I'm OK, I'm just ambushed by grief and loss lately, among other things. I'm being pulled in a billion different directions at once lately, feels like I'm being stretched too thin. I'm really trying very hard lately to not completely lose what faith I have left but it's been difficult. Thank you for offering to be there.

ETA: I totally realize everyone suffers and goes through their own battles. I don't think I have it worse than anyone else. Not aimed at anyone on this site, but imo it's very easy to say "just have faith when your tested" esp when you haven't suffered any true loss in your life, or witnessed a suicide, or have seen three loved ones buried all within nine months of each other. It's very easy to say you just need to have faith and go through the grieving process and not lose your way. I'm sorry but those words mean absolutely nothing to me if they come from someone who hasn't experienced the same thing. They are just....meaningless.

[PinkButterfly]

I do totally get what you mean and I am very sorry and yes it is very easy to say things that try and comfort someone because honestly we don't really know what to say to someone that has been through so much.

I went through losing my Step Dad in October of 2011 then in March of 2012 my Brother fell and died then my cousin died then my aunt died then my uncle died then I found out I had a brain tumor and had planned on having it removed but my mom was so depressed and not doing good so I had to manage her bills and take care of everything for her and then she started feeling sick so we had her checked out her melanoma came back and had spread all through her body so I had to take care of her at her house then mine and more but she ended up dying December 2014 and I finally broke even more I just wanted to let the tumor take me and I was allowing that to happen but I was not feeling good went to the ER and they did a ct scan and said it had grown so I went straight to OSU and had surgery I didn't care if I Lived I honestly had NO anxiety NO fear because I had made peace with God and Life and I wanted out but God had other plans for me I guess and during the time I was in the hospital my Husband sold our House of 21 years and was pushing me to move I was doing nothing but setting and crying and our Furbaby was sick also and my hubby was losing it yelling at me and Link who couldn't help he was sick so I just wanted to die and be done but once again God didn't want me to go.. I ended up moving in the dark because of my agoraphobia and I was so distraught I hated it I mean HATED it and I got here to the new house which was back to where I was born and I sat and cried still not showering , using a bed side commode by my recliner crying my eyes out and praying a lot and yes still hating this house with a passion so he is gutting the house and killing my head with pounding and dust and more I had to sell and am still selling everything I loved because we downsized I didn't have any Christmas decorations out because I was a mess the house was a mess and I was depressed and a mess and Link was getting worse but as time went on I finally realized that I had several choices which were to embrace the move and embrace the fact that life was only going to change for me If I pushed for that to happen and that yes Link was dying... I made myself get up and start using the small bathroom which my walker wouldn't fit in so I would back in and use the commode and set and wash myself off and then I felt better each time I did that I had the bedside commode removed and said to myself either get up and walk to the bathroom or crap yourself!!! I prayed a lot and cried a lot but I knew with every fiber in me GOD wanted me up and fighting because he brought me through so much in life I could tell a lot more but I wont .. anyway my new bathroom got done and I love it and I started showering myself and felt awesome but sadly Link was getting worse in Jan he got a lot worse so I had to decide if we keep him alive on a lot of meds and him still be in pain or finally accept that his 15 years of life with Me up he came to me to help with agoraphobia back in 2003 and he did that he did so much more and he was with me through the deaths the health scares the move and once he knew I was better .. it was time and I miss him every waking hour and my mom every day but I know without a doubt they are waiting on me in Heaven. I don't blame God at all I never have but yes of course I question him but then he sends me signs just small ones and I am so thankful !!!

We never know what tomorrow will bring but all we can really do is just take each second as it comes and do the best we can . Death will come sooner or later we all know that so as the Poem THE DASH says MAKE YOUR DASH MATTER , meaning what in between those years of your life did you do with them?? mine started in 1965 on Sept 22nd and I can say in mine I have loved I have made a difference in some peoples lives and I have worked in the medical field helping others, I have had fun I have had heart aches, I did some pretty cool things, and most of all I LOVE GOD AND HIS SON!!

I have thought many times of taking my own life I have planned it out numerous times but I don't wanna go out that way I wanna go out fighting and screaming.

God seems to help us if we allow him and many want to blame him instead of Thanking him for all he has created and has done for us. I blame myself and Satan and yes some people that caused me a lot of physical and emotional pain..

Okay enough for now lol... I am here like I said and if you ever need to talk let me know okay.
Ramona

[JamieWAgain]

((((((((((Hugs and love))))))). TDB thank you for sharing. I am so in awe of your faith and your strength. Yes, God works in such mysterious ways.

[InvisibleGuy]

@TieDyed I agree with Jamie. Thank you again, thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm so sorry for all the loss you've gone through.

The suicide I witnessed has really screwed me up in ways that are hard to describe, and that includes me completely losing all faith for a few years. The therapists and grief counselors I've seen have told me that most everyone looks for a partner that in a lot of ways reminds them of their opposite sex parent, as strange as that sounds. My mom was never there for me, I never had a relationship with her. My last serious gf killed herself. Ironically enough, my mom tried to kill herself and almost succeeded, she was in a coma for days and almost died. So to say I have abandonment issues is such an understatement. People closest to me seem to abandon or leave me in the absolute cruelest ways possible. And the first was my mom starting when I was three years old (I think), so not all of the loss, the abuse and the abandonment can be my fault. Like a lot of the loss you went through.

I can't be the only one to have lost faith, or to be hanging onto it by a thread, I refuse to believe that, and I refuse to believe it makes those people weak. When I was a teenager I was very close to a cousin of mine. She died in a horrific car crash when she was 17. Her parents had a very close friend who also lost a daughter less than a year later. I'll never, ever forget her parents saying "God just keeps taking our children from us".

I mean, how else would anyone expect any human being to react? It's a pretty normal reaction imo, and I refuse to believe reactions like that from people that have been through so much loss makes them weak, or less human, or broken. I refuse to believe it.

Anyway thank you again for sharing, your story means a lot to me.

[PinkButterfly]

No you are not the only one at all trust me you are grieving like everyone does and that is normal and you aren't judged at all by me and I would hope not by anyone else because No one really knows what someone else feels we are all different.

I watched my brother lose his mind when my Mom left us I have a Post on the forums about what my brother did to me. I watched my Mom and Brother and others just come so close to dying I bought cemetery plots for them all and myself I knew it would come down to one of them dying I just didn't know when or how but I knew that several would be drugs or drinking and My brother was drunk when he fell asleep and caught his apartment on fire and tried getting out but his foot got caught and he fell down the outside stairs hitting the cement and hitting his head My Mom got there and seen that and was screaming and crying it was a nightmare!! her losing my step dad due to drugs we horrible also he had been my second dad for over 20 years he shot up with dirty needles got hep c, and would not lose weight and get off drugs to get a transplant so he ended up dying due to his drugs my younger brother now is a druggie and looks like the walking dead I cant handle seeing him like he is and he cusses me and everyone else threatened to kill me and my husband burn our home down and more and my younger sister was arrested for drugs and stealing her kids were taken away so I don't see her.. right now my Dad is addicted to Pain meds and Benzos and lies like a dog to me and thinks I believe him but I get calls from Doctor offices.. I am in a NO win with my family so I stay pretty much to myself and I have a few friends who come see me.

Years ago I had to have my mom arrested and then put in a mental hospital she went totally off her rocker and was standing on the stove, walking the highway naked, crawling under tables and then threw gas on my step dad so I had to step in she was hearing voices and talking really low and saying SHHHH MONA they can hear Us I knew I had to do what I did and it was horrible they came and took her to jail because that was the only way I could take over and she begged me from the jail cell to let her out and how could I do this too her it was horrible I was at that time married to a man who was beating me almost everyday so I was super stressed trying to work and do what I could for her and for my son and for that dumbass!! I ended up getting her transferred to the mental hospital and she was there for around 6 weeks she begged me over and to get her out and I refused too but she ended up getting better and thanking me.

I want you to know that You are loved and understood by me and by many others and by God and no the image engrained in your head and heart will never go away mine will never but with determination and help and finding whatever faith or belief works for you helps even in a small way.

Thanks Jamie and IG, We all have Life Stories I could go on and on about what I have been through in my life and still am but we all are living our lives facing things and it sure isn't easy at all.