My feelings are all over the place.... everything is fragmented. Nothing's what it could or should have been.... I've lost pretty much fucking everything. I just don't see a point to hang on. I'm tired of just fucking existing without any hope in sight. I'm so fucking angry, yet I can't right a single fucking wrong. Everything has just gone to hell and I can never see it getting better. I'm sick to death of people, the modern world and most of all, myself. Everything I didn't screw up, others took or stole from me. I hope to God that this life isn't the only one because otherwise existence is the cheapest, most tawdry prank of them all.
I don't care how juvenile this sounds. I need to throw a tantrum and here will do for my purposes. I mean, it's not like any cares or listens. I may as well be talking to a fucking brick wall. Everything is just so futile and everything I was taught to believe in is a lie. The bad guys always fucking win and caring about anything is just the dumbest fucking waste of time, energy and emotion because some asshole will always destroy it, burning down and piss on the ashes and in your face just for good measure.
No-one in life ever really gives a fucking [BEEP] about anything, and no-one can be trusted. Even if I could find anything it's not worth the effort because it'll just fall over anyway. I'm trying REALLY hard no to do anything really fucking stupid right now, but it's hard. It's like I'm just trying to hold it in, but really, every damn day I want to die and I've been like this for so long now.
It was an immensely hard time for me.... I don't want to go into what was fully going on, but it was horrible and it caused a bit of a shutdown for me that I'm only really starting to come out of now. I'm cautiously optimistic, but tentative about things.
I hope you’re doing well and feeling better. I can definitely relate to everything you said. I’m recovering from some things that happened not long ago and it hasn’t been easy at all. Keep taking it one day at a time.
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