Shame and the Internal Critic

[TuanJie]

Resources to help become/stay aware and address the dynamic that seems to be going on in many people struggling with (social) anxiety.

Shame and Complex Trauma. A six part lecture by Tim Fletcher.

[Ironman]

I went through a book with my men's group that covered shame, trauma, and complex trauma with its nested issue. Nineteen weeks and it blew everyone away.

[TuanJie]

@Ironman
I can imagine. It runs deep in many of us, I'm sure. Sounds like a near perfect setting to deal with the issue. Wonderful if you can take it on with a support group. Is the book published somewhere by any chance?

[Ironman]

@Ironman
I can imagine. It runs deep in many of us, I'm sure. Sounds like a near perfect setting to deal with the issue. Wonderful if you can take it on with a support group. Is the book published somewhere by any chance?

Childhood Trauma and the Non-Alpha Male by Douglas W. Carpenter, Psy. D.
Gender Role Comflict, Toxic Shame, and Complex Trauma: Finding Hope, Clarity, Healing, and Change

[TuanJie]

@Ironman
Thanks for sharing. I found it on Goodreads too.

My dad came out of the closet when I was nine. It landed on my already very ashamed psyche. I kept it a secret for kids in school, while I was terrified to be humiliated. Meanwhile I was scared to death it would be something I could have inherited from my dad, making me extremely anxious about my own identity in this regard. Due to attachment trauma, I couldn't go to anyone with this. It kept on building and festering inside for many years. To the outside world I presented a hard persona. I think I actually was pretty tough as a kid, but also very sensitive, if that makes any sense. Introverted, but not to be messed with. It was a pressure cooker in any case! A therapist once said to me that even though you're not gay, you could as well had been because of all the shame and insecurity you carried around the subject. I never realized that not being an alpha male makes one more prone to developmental issues because of the cultural norms. It makes sense if they are basically rejecting anything outside the stereotype. Even though I think I've dealt with a lot of it, I wonder to what degree parts of it still linger somewhere in my psyche. Curious to see what Carpenter has to say about it. Thanks again for sharing!

[TuanJie]

Patricia A. DeYoung - Understanding and Treating Chronic Shame: A Relational/Neurobiological Approach

Chronic shame is painful, corrosive, and elusive. It resists self-help and undermines even intensive psychoanalysis. Patricia A. DeYoung’s cutting-edge book gives chronic shame the serious attention it deserves, integrating new brain science with an inclusive tradition of relational psychotherapy. She looks behind the myriad symptoms of shame to its relational essence. As DeYoung describes how chronic shame is wired into the brain and developed in personality, she clarifies complex concepts and makes them available for everyday therapy practice. Grounded in clinical experience and alive with case examples, Understanding and Treating Chronic Shame is highly readable and immediately helpful. Patricia A. DeYoung’s clear, engaging writing helps readers recognize the presence of shame in the therapy room, think through its origins and effects in their clients’ lives, and decide how best to work with those clients. Therapists will find that Understanding and Treating Chronic Shame enhances the scope of their practice and efficacy with this client group, which comprises a large part of most therapy practices. Challenging, enlightening, and nourishing, this book belongs in the library of every shame-aware therapist.

Source: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/...upXhbrF&rank=1

[TuanJie]

How it got there in the first place. In my case. After 26 years of intense searching, endless hours of various kinds of therapy, books, youtube, and what not. Hidden in plain sight. When does a fish realize it was the water he was born into that is toxic?

Les Carter - Toxic, Narcissistic Parents: Enough Already!

[TuanJie]

The relationship with my mother changed a lot for the better after I went no contact for five years or so. It's complicated, and most likely will remain so. The fallout of growing up in an abusive parental environment has now, in part, become a challenge of correcting false beliefs about myself and the world. The power of my inner critic is in proportion to how well it's hidden from my awareness. Being aware of it is half the job. When I notice it, it automatically puts a gap between it and my identity. For this reason it matters to load the topic into my working memory from time to time. This time I ended up there via the topic of narcissism and boundaries.

The systematic violation of my healthy boundaries as a kid resulted in me not having a clear notion of where they are. I tend to react to others instead of asserting myself, living in the space they happen to leave me. It's not them doing this. They are who they are. It's my job to uphold my boundaries and to arrange my life according to my values, wants and needs. That's hard with a strong and stealthy inner critic, whispering in my ear. It says I'm not worthy, I'm arrogant for voicing my opinion, self centered for putting my needs first, or in any way, shape, or form wrong for being me. The boundaries I want to uphold are as much with my inner critic as with the outside world. I could use all the help I can get with this. I'm lucky to be alive today. Internet is littered with excellent resources, many of them freely available. I'm currently going through another round, and being my obsessive self, I go though vast amounts of data. I'm often plugged into a tiny mp3 player while going about my day.

Sometimes it feels like somebody is handing me bars of gold. I get that with some video's by Les Carter. I've arrived at number 27 and have 526 more to go. I don't know how far I'll get with them, but I already consider his content a go-to resource for times I'm crushed by the internal critic. Thus far he hasn't spoken about it directly, but there's little light between it and the type of abuse he talks about. It's a continuous internal echo of how I was treated as a kid. The clearer I have how this internal critic entered and operates, the easier it becomes to set boundaries with it. The definite on is to disidentify. It never belonged to me and never will. No matter how convincing, how long it's been yapping, and how much damage it has done. My life is none of it's business.

Les Carter - HOW TO SET AND KEEP BOUNDARIES WITH A NARCISSIST: 6 KEYS