The first time we hooked up, he was pressed for time. His parents were expecting him to come home and he'd left work early to meet with me. We were both nervous as hell and rushed things. It was, ultimately, enjoyable, but still disappointing. So, at my suggestion, we arranged a second time where we could take our time, and so we did. The experience was utterly mind-blowing and was, honestly, the best sex I've ever had in my entire life. I still vividly remember my arms and legs clutched desperately around him, staring into his eyes as he fucked the longest and most powerful orgasm out of me
I didn't know it could happen, but in that moment I immediately caught feelings for him. I didn't know it was possible to have such an intensely intimate experience with someone. I felt so connected to him and it took me along time to work through that. I was so hurt when he ghosted me a few days later, not that I expected anything in return from him, but more because I thought that maybe it had meant something to him too.
In some ways, I'm still dealing with that, still trying to figure out what it meant and what I'm supposed to do with that now. On my 'gay' days, I fantasize so much about loving another man, giving myself over to him completely like I had with my hookup, being utterly submissive to someone I love in a way that I simply can't replicate in my current relationship--and worse I can't even articulate why I can't replicate that except that, for me, there was something about being penetrated by another man, being so vulnerable and ceding all control to another man, something that is so much more significant in some way than sex with a woman.
I love my fiance, she loves me, and I feel very intimately connected with her.
She's tried to 'peg' me a couple of times, and while it has been very enjoyable and even very intimate in its own way it simply isn't the same. I have something wonderful and amazing with her, but it is something different. There's just something qualitatively different about my experiences with men.