I'm still processing this whole event, but last weekend I attended a community sports event that advertised as being for "women, nonbinary, and trans people." I was excited because I am super passionate about sports, but the rec leagues around here are packed with cishet men or they are gay men's leagues so I always feel kinda out of place.
After I arrived I started talking to people when someone tapped on my shoulder. This person asked straight up, "Are you a cis man?" I answered no, I'm trans and nonbinary. They then said "Are you AMAB?" I said no and they gave me a look and walked off.
I thought that was weird but that was that, until about 5 minutes later when a group of 4 people came up to me, the original person being one of them. A different person then told me that the women present did not feel comfortable with me participating and I could "spectate if I want to." I was shocked but I didn't put up a fight, I just left. There were other trans men there but no one else was a problem but me I guess, purely because of the way I look.
I do pass and have passed for a long time, but I'm not exactly a macho looking guy. I'm 5'5 and 125 lbs, I'm clean shaven with a shaggy haircut. I do not look intimidating, but even if I did, I shouldn't have been excluded. Sometimes it feels like I'm an outcast in both cishet and [BEEP] society because of my gender and I just think that sucks.
Has anyone gone through similar experiences? How did you handle it?
Edit: wow, what a response. I'm going to reach out to the organizers first, because I don't know if the people who approached me were involved with organizing or they were just vigilante gatekeepers. Sucks that this happens to us so often.
Edit 2: This was the response from the organizers: "Wow, I'm appalled to hear that this was your experience. The people who approached you were most definitely NOT associated with [organization] and the fact they felt empowered to exclude you is extremely concerning. Thank you for the descriptions of the people who harassed you. Please know we are doing our best to identify and ban these people. We are committed to ensuring this never happens again. All trans people regardless of identity or expression are welcome at [organization] events." Looks like these were randos who took it upon themselves to kick me out!
Answering that you're not a cis guy should have been enough per their requirements. My impression is a lot of these spaces aren't OK with people who pass as male with a masculine presentation. But I'm sure a lot depends on location etc.
I think some of these groups might also function a bit like the man and not-man divide in many non Western and hunter gatherer type cultures. So at the point where you appear too masculine you get chucked out but they allow certain people who aren't women or genetically female etc into the not man group.
I would never go to an event that advertises itself as being for women and trans or non-binary people though because I don't like the idea of being in a space that's hypervigilent in this way even though I pass as female. I know they are going to have issues most of the time with people who don't look a certain way.
Honestly though just go to male events/groups? Unless there's an issue there too I know guys can be more transphobic and it's weird being stealth or passing with transphobes which is an experience trans guys have often and talk about. Which reminds me of this thread I found recently with a bunch of liberal guys who 'pass as right wing' in the US so they get weird political comments etc:
As much as I hate small talk, this is why it exists!Dad passed this lady her drink and she said "thank you sir... Well I guess I'm not allowed to say sir anymore... Since it's a pronoun" and he literally just looked at her like this 😐
He's now very worriedly asking me if he "looks like a conservative."I know that feeling. I look like I'm wanted for January 6th crimes. Fat middle aged white guy, I'm only missing sunglasses to wear indoors and a tinder profile where I'm holding a fish.
Sucks.Try wearing funny hats or sunglassesThe funny hats don't stop them. Neither do cute sweaters. Help.
Sincerely, a fat white bearded dude who wears animal themed hats and pastel cardigans.I look like an EDF member (albeit without tattoos) and I moved to Poland. People are far too comfortable saying racist things to me assuming I'll agree with them.
I was in Croatia and as soon as they found we were from Poland we had far too many people telling us how good it was that Poland doesn't let in immigrants, which is odd as I'm an immigrant.Can also confirm that ever since I started painting my nails, nobody offers me unsolicited opinions on women's swimming. Or boxing, or whatever they're mad about now. And I work in construction, so it used to happen far more than you'd think lol. I only wish I'd discovered it in 2020.People say the most out of pocket [BEEP] to me too. It's like, 50% the beard I think. It's only toned down by all the nerd [BEEP] I wear, lol.I look like a sad old stone cold Steve Austen after 20 years of retirement, legit had some American tourists ask me this. I keep getting Randos in waiting areas trying to explain their latest bizarre takes on everything from windmills to undersea mining. I think it?s me.Me too. On purpose. They don't suspect I transitioned to male.Anyone working on a construction site is assumed to be on the side of evil (although the evil ones don't know they're the baddies).
A guy I met the day before the election greeted me the day after it with "at least our guy won" and put his fists up like trump was going to pull him up by his dirty blue collar. The only response that made sense to me was the one I was feeling in the core of my being, which was an emphatic "fuck him". It wasn't my intent to deflate that man, but I can't say I was disappointed when those fists and his chin both dropped like rocks.I miss my Hawaiian shirts and tan 3/4 shorts.
They were a look I liked on myself, until righty righty Americans took the look for themselves, thieving pricks ruin everything by being arseholes!When I got back on a dating app a while back, it suggested I not use shirtless pics, or pic of fish. Almost all the photos of me are shirtless holding a fish in a river or the ocean.
I'm also a 4x4 pickup driving, gun carrying, cowboy hat wearing liberal. Which also confused a lot of people
Luckily I've only had people do this kind of thing with me when they are drunk. Like the woman who started ranting about men on the train (among other weird things she said.)
Also quite a bit of the gender policing likely has to do with an extension of the political tribal group thing where masculinity is seen as being right wing even though tbh half the far right guys on twitter are skinny soft featuerd looking guys like Nick Fuentes, or actually androgynous people and the occasional femboy. To the point where right wing twitter users are unironically posting this now:
Are you a groyper who is ashamed that you've been duped into following a gay pedophile cult? Can't stop noticing all the red flags?
It's never too late to change your life. To break away from a lie is to find the essence of one's own becoming.
edit: I've seen several examples online of trans guys posting photos talking about how they would be forced to use the female toilet or something by law in the US and then some cis guy comes along and violently threatens them assuming they are also amab. I saw this happen recently but can't find the screenshot someone posted now.
Every group that mentions women is for cis women. Even if other groups are allowed it's more conditional. Though I imagine some might chuck out sufficiently masculine looking cis women too.So like why are cis women allowed but trans men apparently are made to leave, lmao
that AMAB comment especially makes me feel as if this was an event specifically not for trans women and you were kicked out because they thought you were one >:( really fucked up. It's bizarre how people want to create trans inclusive events that end up only being "cis women plus 'trans' men we secretly still see as women"It's also a possibility but I doubt most are transphobes they specifically dislike men and anyone who is masculine enough that they remind them of cis men.people need to remember cis women are still cis at the end of the day they'll give us all the [BEEP] in the world if they feel like it lol. being a woman doesn't automatically mean they're allies
If you go to any 'for woman' subreddit 'autistic women' 'TwoXChromosomes' etc - the same thing happens. Repeated rants about men. On the autistic women subreddit it's often about autistic men. An issue with groups that are for women. Though also tbh an issue with groups in general - if you search about a certain group of people most of the results will often be people ranting about said group I think. If it mentions women at all I wouldn't join though if you're a trans guy. Though groups that are just for trans people also have numerous issues anyway from what I hear.
cis (terf) lesbians stop excluding virtually everyone they don't personally want to [BEEP] challenge: impossibleI wonder. I'm not attracted to masculinity much (depends on the trait in question really,) so I was thinking I get how that thought process could develop that way but it's still insane to just go around policing spaces along those lines, but this was a general woman's event so probably unrelated to attraction.BAHAHAHA this is exactly what it is.
I think it's also just when you're criticised for being femme or not masculine it becomes a big part of your identity, then if you're not very attracted to masculinity either you develop a low opinion of masculine people. (The reverse of right wing people who think masculine guys are their in-group by default.)
Does make a lot of sense to me tbh lol. If you're reasonably feminine and competing with men this is just going to happen really.Yeah it's basically "we're terfs /chasers but we pretend that we aren't because we fetishise trans women and any trans person we can clock or mentally categorise as woman lite and we think that's the same as allyship... and if you're" too masculine" (and not attractive to us) you don't count as trans and it's fine for us to exclude you from our trans event while claiming it's for safety and not just us trying to creep on trans people we find attractive and excluding ones we don't and treating them as less trans"
It'd be like if a bunch of incels and PUAs said they were holding a women's rights event then kicked out any woman they decided they weren't attracted to claimed they weren't women and were" making people uncomfortable by existing in the space while not being sexually attractive which is their job as a woman"
I'd imagine a lot are just into afab people though as well.
It's like this too:that's what a lot of trans man exclusion boils down to - punishment for not being sexually attractive to people who are attracted to primarily women, punishment for passing or not passing, people getting angry at you for being on T or getting gender affirming surgeries because they think they are sexually entitled to a body that makes you dysphoric and think you're stealing something from them by transitioning...
so you're treated like you owe everyone forever to make up for daring to be yourself and 'taking a woman away from people who wanted one' by not being one , punishment for being trans and not being a cis woman while people try to gaslight you and say it isn't happening & that your life is easier for being a trans man and that you need to shut up and be stoic and never talk about your feelings or you aren't a real man....
But at the same time you apparently have to be a good example of non toxic masculinity for cis men because you aren't allowed to exist in your own right you only exist as an object for others you're a sex toy or a human shield or a lesson they can learn about themselves while they disregard the things they could also learn about you
Rachel does a really great job with this character lol:
I think a lot of sporting stuff is segregated. I wouldn't seek out explicitly gender segregated stuff where possible though as I say. Sometimes I've ended up in spaces that are mostly men or mostly women though.Opinion: There is little to no reason to ever segregate an event by gender and this only drives the wedge further between the "two genders" and pulls us back in gender equality. Plus you get stupid situations like this where trans people are excluded as well.
There are multiple problems though contributing simultaneously:
1. Gender expression is politicised in a tribal way as referenced earlier in the post.
2. Women increasingly feel unsafe around men or people who remind them of men.
3. Feminine people competing with masculine people sexually or in a general sense and vice versa leads to lots of issues.
4. Lack of attraction to masculinity.
5. Western cultures becoming more low trust over time:
A low-trust society is defined as one in which interpersonal trust is relatively low, and shared ethical values are lacking.[1] Conversely, a high-trust society is one where interpersonal trust is relatively high, and where ethical values are strongly shared.According to researchers, low-trust societies are typically kinship-based;[1] outcomes of low-trust societies can include difficulty in forming and maintaining corporate structures.[2] Mechanisms and institutions that are corrupted, dysfunctional, or absent in low-trust societies include respect for private property rights, a trusted civil court system, democratic voting and acceptance of electoral outcomes, and voluntary tax payment.[3] Research has identified a correlation between linear-active cultures (i.e. following a daily schedule with a single task at a time)[4] with high-trust societies, and multi-active cultures (flexible schedules with many tasks at once, often in an unplanned order) with low-trust cultures.[5]High-trust societies display a high degree of mutual trust not imposed by outside "contractual, legal or hierarchical regulation", but instead are based upon "prior moral consensus".[1] Much writing on the subject refers to Francis Fukuyama's 1995 book, Trust: Social Virtues and Creation of Prosperity, in which he describes "the ability of various peoples to organize effectively for commercial purposes without relying on blood ties or government intervention".[6]Trust had been eroding for decades in America by the time the University of Chicago's National Opinion Research Center found that the percentage of respondents in its General Social Survey who said "you can't be too careful in dealing with people" went from 50.3 percent in 1972 to 63.9 percent in 2018.The USA is worse off than the UK when it comes to this, although I think this is happening everywhere in the West. I know the USA is worse off based on the response to COVID alone tbh.Is Britain a high-trust society?
Of 24 nations, only five are more likely than the UK to say most people can be trusted, with Norway (72%), China (64%) and Sweden (63%) the only countries where a majority feel this way. And the UK ranks far above some peer nations, such as Italy (27%) and France (26%), as well as being ahead of the US (37%).
https://www.politico.com/news/magazi...nment-00096509
Well good luck with that.It's impossible to talk about American politics in 2023 without talking about trust -- or, more accurately, about its conspicuous absence from public life. Sure, everyone?s seen the charts showing that Americans? trust in government has declined precipitously since the 1960s. But something about the contemporary crisis of trust seems even deeper than that. Today, Americans don?t just feel betrayed by the political establishment, or the media, or economic and cultural elites; they also feel betrayed by each other. "National divorce" -- a term that frames America?s current political crises as symptoms of a deeper social breakup -- is suddenly a well-worn phrase. Over a quarter of Americans believe that it might soon be necessary to take up arms against their government. It would be a shocking number if not for the violent assault on the Capitol on Jan. 6, 2021.
But is America's current crisis of trust really so unique? To get one expert opinion on that question, I called up Robert Putnam, the Harvard political scientist and author of the now-canonical book Bowling Alone. In the book, Putnam surveyed the American social landscape at the turn of the 21st century and came away with a startling conclusion: Americans were lonelier and more distrustful of their fellow citizens than ever. At the root of the problem, Putnam argued, was the erosion of "social capital," or the networks of sociability, trust and solidarity that hold communities together. Instead of joining clubs or civil organizations, Americans were spending more of their waking hours working, commuting to and from their jobs and sitting in front of the TV. These trends contributed to a decline in social trust that continues to this day. Putnam summarized his findings with one curious statistic: At the turn of the 21st century, more Americans than ever were going bowling, yet fewer were participating in organized bowling leagues. More Americans were bowling alone.