I'm feeling good. Feeling blessed. I had a really good weekend with my kids and parents.
I'm starting to feel somewhat more rested now, finally....this past week just left me fucking exhausted. Might sound strange but the first appointment with my new psychiatrist Friday just wore me out. I had a lot of anticipatory anxiety, a lot of stress during and even after the appointment but overall it went really well, aside from leaving me tired mentally, physically, all over lol. I got into some really deep stuff that I don't hardly ever talk about to anyone anymore, ever. Even not much on here anyway. Mostly was about my ex-gf's suicide. I have a very difficult time going into that with anyone I trust because I still have an incredible amount of guilt and it brings up some feelings that are truly just overwhelming. It's a devastating trauma that I can't hardly get into anymore. I think my psychiatrist could see it in my face, my demeanor....I was trying but I was very uncomfortable talking about it. I feel like I could've, should've done something else to stop her. I don't know what, but something. I really felt like she was OK when we went to bed that night. She fell asleep first, I made sure of it. I thought she was fine. I knew she was hurting but I also knew, was convinced that she was OK. Dear God we talked for a loooong time before she went to sleep.
I know I was visibly upset. It's the first time I've talked about the suicide without losing it to some extent. I know, I know he could tell I was trying really hard to keep my composure. I can't go into it in any more detail than I have in this post without having flashbacks, and well, I have had some already. It changed me, forever and I think my new shrink knows that....he just wasn't willing to push me on it anymore in our first appointment. And I'm glad he didn't, if he had I most likely would never go back. I've done that before.
Anyways I'm glad I have tomorrow off. I need another day. Not want, but need. I need to pick up my car from the shop tomorrow. Run errands. Take care of some things. Just get back to normal, or some sense of normal. It might be quite a while before I can even bring up my ex again, Idk. I feel....shaken up, even still. But at the same time feel like I'm getting back to a somewhat normal state of mind.