I've really gone back and forth about whether or not to post this over the last few weeks. I know talking about suicide isn't allowed here, and I get why. So, I'll really watch what I say and keep that part of this short.
The anniversary that I dread all year long is coming up Sunday, the day that gives me nightmares and PTSD, the day I just struggle to get through every year without self-harming or doing anything as stupid, the anniversary of the day my gf committed suicide. I won't go into details because I don't want to trigger anyone, but we were very, very close, and I was there, I tried to save her and couldn't before EMS got there. I suffer from PTSD, depression, nightmares as a result, although some of that has gotten better with therapy. I was put into three psychiatric hospitals not long after she did it. It took me quite a while, over a year, to be a functional adult again and even take care of myself, and hold a job.
I'm just wondering, how has anyone here dealt with grief and loss? Esp if it was really sudden.
Does therapy really help you? Does talking it out really help? I can feel myself just getting incredibly depressed. I can't stop it. I've been having crying spells, which always happens this time of year. I miss this woman so, so, so much.
I've been avoiding my therapist lately. I have a habit of doing that around the anniversary date. Because....I know she'll want to talk about it, because it's all that's on my mind this time of the year. When I talk about it I get flashbacks again, and the nightmares (and even night terrors) come back. And sometimes I get so damn depressed after I dredge up some of this stuff, these feelings, that I go to a very dark place that I don't come out of for weeks, or months.
So, does talking about it make you feel worse? I realize that avoiding the grief process is like asking to go to that dark place. Nothing good comes from that, but...I feel so horrible after talking about it sometimes. There are times when I finish up with my therapist or grief counselor and I feel worse than when I came in.
I'm just wondering, for anyone that's lost someone close, how you got through it. I know this isn't supposed to be easy but I'm having a really tough time with the stages of grief. I think Sunday after I drop off my kids, I might go to the beach. It was our favorite place. There's an abandoned stretch of beach that I spread some of her ashes on not long after she died. I might do that again. Idk.