I'm a Black Sheep. Anything I do that I think is 'average' apparently isn't coming from me. I'll stand in front of the mirror, get dolled up & go out thinking that I'll catch a few eyes like my co-workers do. Not really. Matter of fact on occasion get made fun of. I'm told all the time that I try too hard & care too much. I know I do & I wish I didn't. I can't help but wonder what makes me so unlikable in general. Lack of personality? No social skills? Being fat & ugly? Well I don't think of myself as too ugly nowadays since I've lost 40 pounds. Just average but I feel like most think I'm ugly. I know in School I was called ugly a lot & would have guys pay each other to ask me out for a laugh. I use to be 5'8" & 260 pounds in school. Now I'm 5'9" & 220 pounds. A lot of times I see bigger girls that're more admired than me though so maybe that isn't entirely it so it's got to be how I come off to people. My facial expressions. I've been told I look 'worried', 'scared' or 'upset' a lot which may be what triggers people to make fun of me cause I get called 'Emo' a lot.
I also feel like I'm singled out a lot compared to others due to SOMETHING they don't like about me. Just like at work. When one of the head bosses is at work, she'll joke around with everyone else but just look at me & say "What's wrong with you today emo girl?!" even when I'm HAPPY! Then I come inside & sit down for a few minutes after standing for an hour since I have a bad back & she'll be like "I'm not paying you to sit around! You might as well go home if you're gonna do that!". Well guess what I see when I go home & get on Facebook. Pictures of the other girls sitting around & goofing off! Then she gets online & comments that they're beautiful & stuff. WHY ARE THEY ALLOWED TO DO THAT STUFF BUT I GET IN TROUBLE FOR TAKING A BREAK FOR A FEW MINUTES!?!? I know they're hair stylists & I'm a Mascot but good grief. I get sick of how people speak to me just cause I'm a Mascot. It's the only job that's suitable for me to do right now since I don't have to really speak to nor be around anyone. I just listen to music & hold my sign on the side of the road.
Yeah it bothers me how the other girls get hit on throughout the day by guys while I'm getting the finger & being called a loser but when I go home at the end of it all, it really doesn't matter anymore. I'm not a people person & I doubt I'll ever be. I like being at home so that I can forget about how people look at me & talk to me when I'm out in public. Reading & doing indoor things make me happy. Not partying & being social with others. I just feel like the only one that's as black of a sheep as I am sometimes.
I only have 84 Facebook friends while everyone else seems to have 300 or more. When someone does add me, I guess they see how much of a loser I am & they end up deleting me.
Here is a full shot of me before I put blue in my hair yesterday. This is how I look. I try to be decent looking but feel like I try too hard.