Random Thought of the Day

[Nyctophilia]

I was scrolling through this tumblr account and noticed they'd documented a bunch of tweets that were reactions to the Nashville shooter a while back. And I saw a lot of really stupid stuff at the time so none of this is really surprising but these particular tweets below are so typical/insane. But really this is just the same essay again it's just I'm also fine tuning my thoughts and for some insane reason want to do it semi-publically? Habit I guess.

They also wrote this:

I'm so pissed at the people who act like there's no way transphobes would ever see transmascs as anything but helpless little girls, as if that narrative itself isn't something relatively new & only got popular because it was useful.of fucking course the minute they have an excuse they are going to switch from "T mutilates women's bodies" to "T makes women into psycho killers", especially non-radfems who don?t give a damn about women's rights in the first place. the only reason that the pity narrative got big is because radfems changed their tune from "women betraying women to get male privilege" to "poor little girls swindled into betraying womanhood" which was useful to non-feminist conservatives & their desire to control women. now they have the perfect opportunity to change up their transphobia to make transmascs into dangerous murderers & even more justification to ban HRT & criminalize testosterone specifically.

The dichotomy isn't new at all and later I'll explain why.

https://64.media.tumblr.com/05c0acc0...343bc1c01e.jpg

Image too big to embed so:

She was born a woman and took hormones to simulate being a man, became a white cis male shooter, instead of being a lovingly butch lesbian 🤷

What the [BEEP] is this sexist duality nonsense?

Do they realise that

1. It's not the 70s, 80s or even 90s so trans men who are exclusively attracted to women are a minority of trans men anyway. Many aren't that masculine either. Not that that archetype doesn't exist but it's just not as prevalent as they want to suggest. Probably most are mildly masculine-feminine bisexual/pansexual people.

I can't think of a single detransistioner who isn't either married to a guy now or is at least romantically attracted to men. And these people pay more attention to detransistioners than trans people who don't detransition, so that's confusing.

One detransistioner said all the porn they watched was about women - at least in the past - but they were romantically attracted to men and wanted a relationship with a guy. That's fairly common for straight women though. They watch a lot of lesbian porn and porn that focuses on women, and lesbians often watch gay male porn. (I know this sounds insane and like I made it up but look up both these things and you'll find a lot written about this on social media and articles.)

The universe is weird. Very little makes sense. Regardless most trans men don't have a sexuality you could describe as lesbian even if they were cis women.

2. Why have they assumed this in the first place? I don't think anything has been revealed/said about that shooter's sexuality.

3. Do they know what cis means? Or are doing that weird thing gender critical people /feminists will do where they suddenly see trans guys as men because they've committed acts of horrific violence? Because if you were looking for a motivation for the crime...

I said after the first f-m mass shooting we could expect this non-stop.

You can't inject women with massive amounts of testosterone and expect society to function.

I don't know what they think was the first f-m shooting lol because people are notoriously bad at the gender guessing game ime.

There was a lot of this stupid [BEEP] at the time too yeah, in spite of the fact that there have previously been female mass shooters who weren't on testosterone. Also I never did find out if this one was.

The minute the story broke, I told my mom the shooter would be named as someone who identifies as trans

Given the incredibly diverse breakdown of mass killers at this point, that seems like a retarded assumption. What category of person isn't committing mass murder these days?

He then goes on to talk about demons and monsters. Of course:

Demonic delusion paired with testosterone levels in a body not designed to accommodate either creates monstrous results.

Tbf you've been saying the same thing about us for hundreds+ of years even without testosterone:

The Monster would thus be a woman, but a woman who would answer Freud's infamous question "What does a woman want?" with the ostensible reply: to be a male, with a female to love. In the failure of that project, the Monster is forced to play the role of the castrating Medusa woman.17

One of the many kinds of monsters. Because monsters defy categories. Werewolves are monsters because they are part Human and part wolf. Vampires are monsters because they are part living and part dead (and also I guess part Human and part bat.)

But not all of 'the other' are monsters. We divide them into angels and demons. After all Jesus was part man and part God and he wasn't a monster.

We are stuck in this Christian dichotomy and we project these categories onto real people (lesbians become monsters, gay men become monsters, bisexuals are usually monsters, gender non-conforming women become monsters, trans women often become monsters, but trans men are also poor misled little girls, and trans women are poor confused misled gay twinks, butch lesbians are innocent victims but also predatory imitators of men and so on,) which is problematic. Oh it's also batshit fucking insane too yes. So powerful is this narrative - borderline personality disorder as a culture - that even Japanese writers are trying to unpack it.

Remember the weird prophetic Japanese video game series that sounds exactly like this discourse + climate activism and capitalism were major themes?

Obviously these are major spoilers for Final Fantasy Crisis Core and the original Final Fantasy VII game:


When Genesis calls Sephiroth and Jenova monsters:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HqfFYnepCSE

Final Fantasy VII original game where Sephiroth reads about himself and the project that created him in Nibelheim:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3vWZ6OSPneA

In a scene that's similar to Loki's in the first Thor film when he finds out he's a frost giant:

My mother's name is Jenova... Jenova Project... Is this just a coincidence? Professor Gast... Why didn't you tell me anything? ...Why did you die?"

Sephiroth didn't come out of the Shinra Mansion... He continued to read as if he were possessed by something, and not once, did the light in the basement go out....

Sephiroth talking to Cloud (well not Cloud technically):

Who is it? Hmph traitor

Traitor?

You ignorant traitor. This planet originally belonged to the Cetra. Cetra were an itinerant race. They would migrate in, settle the planet, then move on...

It's that alien conspiracy story again lol.

Then after a conversation about stuff Sephiroth sets fire to Cloud's hometown and Hojo captures Cloud, Zack and others and injects them with jenova cells and exposes them to Mako energy causing most of them to become clones of Jenova and Sephiroth's puppets. Zack was immune to this due to previously being in the SOLDIER program, and he saves Cloud, and then dies. Cloud comes to believe he is Zack after this. As a child he also really wanted to be Sephiroth because he saw him as his hero.

Later in the Northern Crater Cloud finds Sephiroth and Sephiroth tells him that his past (believing he is Zack) was an illusion (Cloud actually never made it into the SOLDIER program and was essentially a failure,) so Cloud breaks down and gives him the black materia he was looking for and falls into the lifestream. Then Tifa has to help him put his broken psyche back together. After that Sephiroth can't control him anymore.

Sephiroth also wasn't a cetra, though Aerith was, who he later kills. In early versions of the script I think Sephiroth and Aerith were going to be siblings which is why their appearance is vaguely similar, then they were made former lovers, then they scrapped both ideas and Aerith's former love interest was made to be Zack Fair instead.

Aerith from Final Fantasy VII isn't a monster she's pedestalised and seen as a kind of angelic figure too-pure-for-this world. Like Aurora, who is of course bisexual. Only Aurora is a Human and so when people expect this from her they are mistaken:



I'm losing my connection
I'm tired of the rules and your corrections
I want to live my life, be all of its pages
And underline that I am not an angel

'Cause if I'm not pure
I guess that I'm too much
I never know how to keep in, keep in touch
If I'll be somebody

I'll never let my skin decide it for me
I never had the world, so why change for it?
I never had the world, so why change for it?

Aerith is a fictional character, and so like all pure fictional characters of this type (generally bishounen/twinks or women, Jesus too though. Though I'm pretty sure his personality never fit the type,) she has to tragically die.

But Sephiroth is a monster and tbf he lives up to this role that he internalises.

Cloud has to try and find a way to exist that doesn't involve becoming a monster.

Edit: Obviously there's Vincent Valentine as well and his chaos form. Yes chaos again lol. Humans apparently only have several ideas.

Chaos is a recurring demonic creature in the series, but Vincent as Chaos is the only incarnation of it in the Final Fantasy series that is portrayed as clearly on the heroes' side; it is not necessarily benevolent, but only because Vincent himself is.

Spoilers for FF VII Dirge of Cerberus:

Chaos is a semi-Weapon (a creature of magnificent power created by the planet) that acts according to the will of another Weapon, Omega, that the planet calls forth in a time of threat. Chaos is a being born of negative memories and the sins within a naturally occurring stagnated and tainted form of Lifestream. Should the stagnant Lifestream increase in unusually high quantities, its ultimate purpose is to act as an executioner of all life and harbinger of death. This is triggered by the planet's reaction to this imbalance upon periods of great catastrophe, decline, and mass planetary-scale destruction, to allow the rest of the planet's Lifestream to be gathered to a new planet to continue the cycle of life.

Hojo, or rather, a digital version of him inside Weiss, explains to Vincent how Chaos exists within him. Due to Hojo's experiments of Vincent many years ago, Vincent's body became durable enough for Chaos to exist inside him. He says Chaos is born of a tainted Lifestream. Vincent tries to use Chaos to fight Weiss but fails. Vincent hallucinates Lucrecia standing in front of him; she tells him to try and control Chaos, not let Chaos control him. Via the Protomateria within Weiss Vincent uses Chaos' power while retaining his human form and defeats Weiss.

Chaos takes full control over Vincent's body when Omega is summoned, according to Shelke, to counterbalance Omega's appearance. Shelke uses a Synaptic Net Dive to retrieve the Protomateria and return it to Vincent so he can control Chaos. It is revealed that after Vincent was shot by Hojo and experimented on, he was still dying. Lucrecia infused tainted Lifestream into him, as she believed her thesis on Chaos could save him. While this stopped Vincent's body from decaying he became permanently Chaos. Lucrecia discovered the Protomateria and used it so Vincent could control Chaos, but he resumed decaying, as when Lucrecia tried to use it, her computer screen flashed red. It is unknown what happened to Vincent after this, or how he stopped decaying, but due to the events of Final Fantasy VII and its flashbacks, it can be assumed Vincent woke up and realized what he had become, and willingly went into a deep slumber.

This (although Japanese,) continues the theme of increasing identification with the gothic in fiction (not that gothic although honestly the overlap is clear and that's why they share a name.) like Anne Rice's vampires etc. FF VII was actually inspired by Kabbalah I think though (Jewish mysticism.) That's where Sephiroth gets his name:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sefirot

Sefirot (/sfɪˈroʊt, ˈsfɪroʊt/; Hebrew: סְפִירוֹת, romanized: Səfīrōt, Tiberian: Săp̄īrōṯ),[1] meaning emanations, are the 10 attributes/emanations in Kabbalah,[2] through which Ein Sof (The Infinite) reveals itself and continuously creates both the physical realm and the chain of higher metaphysical realms (Seder hishtalshelus). The term is alternatively transliterated into English as sephirot/sephiroth, singular sefirah/sephirah, etc.

mm: https://finalfantasy.fandom.com/wiki..._Final_Fantasy

Final Fantasy VII draws from the Lurian Kabala , a medieval variant of Jewish Mysticism with similarities to Gnosticism. Gnosticism originated as a Roman-era fusion of Christianity and Ancient Greek philosophy, and its adherents were said to have knowledge of the "true" nature of the world.

The Cetra strongly resemble the Hebrew people, Gnostics, and the Ainu. All have been persecuted, with the Gnostics' beliefs dying out, Traces remain in Jungian psychology, which also relates to Cloud's journey into the Lifestream to confront the buried shadow aspects of his mind. Hojo's Reunion Theory, where entities infused with Jenova's cells will reunite with Jenova/Sephiroth at the North Crater, stems from Gnosticism, namely the concept of each human having a fragment of God.

Both belief systems, Gnosticism and Kabbalah, proclaim that all humans have inside their bodies a spark of divine light from the Absolute, which returns there upon death. This Absolute is an infinite wellspring of spiritual energy, knowledge, and goodness, mirroring the function of the Lifestream. The Kabbalah states the Absolute is the Abrahamic God, whereas early Gnostics believed him to be an incompetent or malicious false god known as the demiurge ("artisan" in Ancient Greek) who merely believed himself the uncreated deity because he was shielded from the Absolute by his "mother", an emanation from the Absolute (known as an Aeon) who fell from the skies. This demiurge, trapped in the material world, cannot create anything good, and instead corrupts the sparks of light, just like Jenova's corruption of the Lifestream and of human beings.

You can see how there's tension. The Matrix was inspired by Gnosticism btw.

Thinking about that video again lol when he talks about 'the clergy'

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Twi_6NgsJWU

To the left there is Utopia promulgated by the clergy who at present happens to be the cathedral. This is a pathological dysfunction of the trichotomy. The church has been subverted by the cathedral as identified by neoreactionaries and is at present not serving it's intended purpose. It is attempting to drag politics towards the new God of progress and having aberrated from it's normative aim of promoting Christianity it is being rejected by the other two estates. This created the left/right divide as it exists today. Originally this divide was between the 2nd and 3rd estates. Egalitarianism emerged as a phenomenon of the third estate during the French revolution but over time it has morphed from a populist idea focussed on the people of a nation to a religious idea modelled after the Christian idea of all Humans being fundamentally valuable. Thankfully this liberated the 3rd estate from this idea to a substantial degree and it is now creating nationalist movements to oppose the cathedral like antibodies opposing a disease. Capitalism of course remains in opposition to the cathedral due to progressivisms marriage to Marxism. Hence the present dynamic. The cathedral operating as the clergy is opposed by capitalists who are the nobles and the nationalists who are the commoners.

Low openness people (aka conservatives,) try to describe something you dislike without resorting to a comparison with disease challenge!

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9756797/

Moreover, in addition to xenophobic attitudes, increased pathogenic threat is associated with ideological tendencies, such as authoritarianism, traditionalism, and political conservatism

With the clergy in a state of rebellion. The other two are seeking to assert themselves and make up for the systemic failure. [...] With the present situation when one pillar of Western civilisation has been so perverted it is even more that the other two remain stable. The proper role for the individualist and absolutist pillars in the current scenario is to prevent a slide into leftist oblivion but also not to create an equal imbalance towards another poll in doing so. [...] It is a tricky situation to manage the equilibrium between individualism and absolutism and furthermore there is an even more fundamental problem to be solved. If a moderation among these three estates is indeed the foundation of Western civilisation. Then the precondition for having a successful civilisation is a secure existence of these estates. The clergy still exists in it's original form but it has been massively disempowered and essentially replaced.

[...]It is the role of the capitalist to protect the liberty of the individual, it is the role of the nationalists to secure the existence of the nation in which these individuals reside and it is the role of the religious tradition to orient people of this nation towards a super ordinant metaphysical aim.

[...]The clergy cannot compromise on the existence of God. In the Jewish tradition there are many atheists who consider themselves to be Jewish. In the Christian domain Jordan Peterson professes the value of Christianity yet appears to be an atheist. People in these categories may be useful in some way to religious traditions but ultimately there must be those who affirm the metaphysical reality of God. Anything else is unsustainable and will suffer the same state as the Christian church has under the progressive cathedral.

It feels a bit like I read a book (hah imagine, an entire book from start to finish. Not in this decade or most of the last decade,) and I'm waiting around for the sequel. I think it might happen one day but not yet. A lot of people want to drag us back and that's so boring. We killed God for a reason (when I was 11ish and in the 6th century and again in the Gay Science (tee hee,) in 1882. Well actually I never killed him I just didn't like his rules or followers so it didn't matter whether he existed or not that was never actually a very interesting debate to me lol. One way or another their power here doesn't come from a material existence does it? It comes from ideas in Human minds. Like fairies in Peter Pan if nobody believes they die.) Also LOL Jordan Peterson is back to being a Christian (and more boring.)

And on the other hand it might not be possible to transcend certain archetypes which means these limitations and boundaries and the repetition will always exist.

I might be expecting too much from a group of very strange animals. Formed from a cluster of atoms. 3.5-4g of iron. I don't know why but that always amuses me. The iron thing specifically.

Iron is crucial for every kind of living organism, including plants, bacteria, animals and humans, to transport oxygen (through the haemoglobin in animals and humans) and to produce energy (through electron transfer in the mitochondrial respiratory chain). In addition, iron is essential for many metabolic processes, including DNA repair and replication, regulation of gene expression and so on. Many pathogens are thus highly dependent on iron supply and use different pathways to acquire or even steal iron from the environment or from their host

This is funny too the title has an exclamation mark lol: Iron is essential for living!

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4331421/



Sitting on a rock in outer space. Or standing. I have to move around a lot.

The pure angelic category represents the child. We think of the child as an other, but it's an other we accept (because obviously, otherwise the species would die out lol.) Children exist in a kind of pre-realised state that people often view as symbolic androgyny though that's not quite right - little boys aren't really allowed to be feminine. Young girls are usually allowed and in most cultures encouraged to be boyish:

Tomboy can be seen as a phase of gender presentation in adolescence.[12] Some parents might be concerned by the lack of femininity in their child but the tomboy phase is, in fact, crucial to physical development between the ages of 8 and 13, according to Joseph Lee, the playground movement advocate in 1915.

But they must age out of it eventually and then choose between being women or monsters.

Lady Gaga is very clever/intuitive. That's why I think the hate bandwagon is dumb:

Right now I'm very obsessed with monsters and playgirls [...] No I won't elaborate on that

She's so defensive in this interview lol but I don't blame her because he's constantly trying to police her. You can see she was more willing to be 'open' later on (at least with some people,) and got better at handling all the [BEEP] over time:



It's crazy too because her image was never really that sexual especially compared to other female musicians. It was just more [BEEP] and more aggressive. 'They' don't like stuff like that it's why they dislike Megan Thee Stallion, Cardi B, Nicki Minaj etc. I'm not gonna lie to you. I just wanted an excuse to post this lol:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D-0kCCsqzUY

Oh right I forgot about her verse on Monster lol:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9gkv2XVXuc

Roman Holiday and Roman's Revenge are really great tracks though.

And I've watched the other side and it's not pretty. They don't always identify as bisexual but they usually seem to have bisexual relationships at some point or other like Marilyn Monroe and Britney Spears (perhaps that's a coincidence, but the culture mostly fixates on and hates bisexual women and black women,) and then you have to walk this strange tightrope where as Lady Gaga points out your sexuality has to be portrayed submissively. If you get more edgy/aggressive about it the culture will try to tear you apart. And she's handled this pretty well because of her personality. Britney Spears was completely destroyed by this and other issues (obviously her family were a huge problem too though, I'm not really keeping up with all that stuff but yeah.) And the press tried to pit every female pop singer against her at the time. It was insane - Pink, Avril, Christina.

She was right


but thinking about it the music remixes of that Leave Britney Alone video probably started the whole remixing video/news clips into music era of YouTube that took off a lot more with schmoyoho later in the early 2010s lol cause this was all the way back in 2007 (it's also quite catchy,) but wait this was earlier (and there was a website with this remix off YouTube,) and there were prob other stuff:



I like how at about 3 minutes in it just goes into Blue Monday by New Order LOL They should have tried to get him saying 'how does it feel?'

It was by DarkMateria originally?

On March 7th, 2001, DarkMateria[5] uploaded a song titled 'The Picard Song' to his personal website[4], featuring a remix compilation of memorable quotes by Captain Jean Luc-Picard (played by Patrick Stewart) from the television series Star Trek: The Next Generation. The song remained relatively obscure until it was used in a YTMND[3] page created by user ShittyMcShit on April 25th, 2004. Within eight years, the page received over 3.8 million views, 1,800 comments and a 4.55/5 star rating.

Oh yeah that's ages ago lol. And I remember the YTMND page. But yeah purely on YouTube I think the Britney remix kicked that off.

I'm off topic entirely now.

I think singers are getting better at addressing and trying to shut it down quickly though (see: Aurora's song lyrics,) but we'll see.

https://64.media.tumblr.com/762cf181...93e975402a.png

When you pump a woman full of testosterone, you don't get a rational man. You get the same emotional woman with male aggression, a feeling creature with no wall of reason to contain the monsters in her ID.

It's not even vague lol. Like you can't accuse me of pulling something from nothing here it's just right in your face explicitly calling us monsters. Note that the testosterone isn't what causes the monster thing to his mind it's just there and then testosterone unlocks it. Like Loki - a genderfluid bisexual character - passing as Human until he encounters frost giants. Though he mostly keeps the same appearance as it seems to be his preference in the MCU.

And what 'female mind' does he think he's referring to anyway?

This brain?

https://www.nbcnews.com/health/healt...-flna1c9468415

Lesbians' brains react differently to sex hormones than those of heterosexual women. An earlier study of gay men also showed their brain response was different from straight men -- an even stronger difference than has now been found in lesbians.

Lesbians' brains reacted somewhat, though not completely, like those of heterosexual men, a team of Swedish researchers said in Tuesday's edition of Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

A year ago, the same group reported findings for gay men that showed their brain response to hormones was similar to that of heterosexual women.

This brain?

Behavioral and preliminary neuroimaging findings suggest autism manifests differently in girls. Notably, females with autism may be closer to typically developing males in their social abilities than typical girls or boys with autism.

[...]

Pelphrey is discovering that girls with autism are indeed different from other girls in how their brain analyzes social information. But they are not like boys with autism. Each girl's brain instead looks like that of a typical boy of the same age, with reduced activity in regions normally associated with socializing. 'They're still reduced relative to typically developing girls,? Pelphrey says, but the brain-activity measures they show would not be considered "autistic" in a boy. "Everything we're looking at, brain-wise, now seems to be following that pattern," he adds. In short, the brain of a girl with autism may be more like the brain of a typical boy than that of a boy with autism.

https://www.scientificamerican.com/a...rent-in-girls/

https://core.ac.uk/display/70343930

Women scored higher than men in the sensory reactivity domain across all groups. In conclusion, aberrations in the expression of sex-dimorphic traits are present in ASD. Androgyny, weak gender identity and low libido seem overrepresented along with an extreme male cognitive style. These patterns are not easily explained solely by an effect of increased prenatal androgen blood levels. The observed sex-differences in ASD underscore the necessity of acknowledging possible diagnostic and biological sex-differences when conducting research on ASD

These brains?

The researchers found that, across the four datasets, the percentage of brains with only "female-end" or "male-end" features was small, ranging from 0 to 8 per cent, depending on the sample, while those with both "male-end" and "female-end" features varied between 23 per cent and 53 per cent.

https://www.sciencedirect.com/scienc...49763420306540

https://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-02-...-study/7179088

This brain?

Research in psychology and behavioral sciences indicates that bisexual women comprise a group distinct from heterosexual women and, on some metrics, even from lesbian women: bisexual women have more male-typical personality traits, more unrestricted sociosexual attitudes and behaviors, higher sexual responsiveness, earlier reproduction, higher substance use, higher incarceration rates, and worse health outcomes than heterosexual women

https://www.researchgate.net/publica...le_bisexuality

Another brain?

Maybe he's thinking about cats. Or himself again. Many such cases.

[Doseone]

Exactly! I've been thinking this for a while. I guess people just really like collecting stuff.

They're just boring designs. LittleBigPlanet did character costumes the correct way. I don't collect stuff, but if I did, I would want some better designs. lol.

Random thought: I'm wondering if people are still mad that they can't dislike YouTube videos. lol.

[Otherside]

Funko Pops are so ugly. I don't know how they're so popular.

I've always thought that they look a bit creepy, to be honest. The eyes are what put me off.

[Nyctophilia]

Nothing gayer than a guy getting married to a woman lol.



It's a single pretty significant moment. I feel like they're all overreacting.

I gay af for my wife ❤️❤️❤️🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

And her boyfriend. Don't lie.

There isn't anything wrong with showing emotion. In fact, it's impossible not to.

No it isn't, men were stoic for millenia.

Not really see later in this post lol.

I saw my best friend do the same thing over 10 years ago and she is right.

I wonder if he's married.

1963: love is love
2023: love is gay

Just be cold. This is the new world order.

I go back to this a lot:

You know my desire to befriend you is everlasting---that I will never cease, while I know how to do any thing. But you will always hereafter, be on ground that I have never occupied, and consequently, if advice were needed, I might advise wrong.

[...]

Write me whenever you have leisure. Yours forever.

A. LINCOLN

That's Abraham Lincoln writing a letter to his friend after he got married. Now you can't even get emotional at your wedding.

Oh lol she deleted her tweet. Looks like a bunch of people have recreated the tweet lol:

There's a trend, and I think I?ve only seen it in the last 5-6 years, of grown men crying when they are about to be shot by firing squad.

There's a trend, and I think I've only seen it in the last 5-6 years, of grown men crying when their entire family is murdered.

I have to say this is extremely gay.

Men shouldn't cry at such things. It should be reserved for extreme moments of pain eg a bad Ryan Gosling movie.

Yeah this is basically a copypasta now lol.

Here are some other tweets:

Thanks for the advice. I?ve been to tonnes of weddings and never saw the groom cry at them. Usually he's very stoic. In fact, men in my life are all very stoic. But online I see lots of men crying, and usually even respectable looking men crying at weddings. Seemed off to me.

So not only do you presume to speak for all men when you say we shouldn't feel/act a certain way...you also presume to speak for all women when you say they shouldn't be attracted to it. Oof.

Yes

Men actually get real tired of being told not to feel. We have feelings and they are valid. Men who don't feel have lost a part of themselves....and the people telling us not to are partially to blame.

Based on all the stories and ideas I've read and heart by men who have gone through actually difficult things in life, this is the opposite of true. So respectfully, I disagree and I believe you are very confused about ideas of what is mentally healthy for men.

I thought she might be Indian because of some other tweets but I think it's much worse than that. I think she's lived in various places and has adopted cringe Western rightoid brain.

But yeah I wondered because I have noticed some people tweeting screenshots of these sorts of takes lately or guys trying to sell advice to men and saying crazy shit, and a lot of the time now I look and it's someone in some non Western country but it doesn't say much about the men/women where you live necessarily.

"India is poor and trash because the British looted us" is probably one of the most low IQ smooth brain statements I ever hear.

Dresden rebuilt in a matter of years after being bombed to oblivion. Indians have been in charge of India since 1947?

My dad is not an average Indian man. Have you seen the rape and abuse stats in India? There?s a reason he brought me to Canada. The only thing sad here is your low IQ

I think she's a troll really. She has that arrogant 'I'm an expert of the world' persona that lots of twitter accounts have these days. And just posts mostly terrible advice:

You don't need sunscreen. Your ancestors lived literally since the beginning of time with the sun and had no problems until seed oils began to be introduced to foods. Your skin is made of the fat you eat. Don't make your skin out of weird chemical plant "fat" and you?ll be fine.

I?m really glad my immigrant parents had no idea wtf sunscreen was when I was a child so I wasn?t involuntarily lathered with benzenes and skin cancer lotion. I wore sunscreen once when I wanted to fit in with my Canadian friends at the beach. Never again.

As a pale person with a lot of moles (both risk factors,) who wants to avoid skin cancer and have also gotten sunburnt in the UK before, I sure will be taking her advice lol.

MY ancestors lived in Britain. They did not live with the sun.

Your ancestors, if you look back far enough, are not from Britain. And spent far more time in the sun than you think.

For someone who keeps bringing up IQ she doesn't seem to understand how skin genetics work to even a basic degree lol:

Light skin is a human skin color that has a base level of eumelanin pigmentation that has adapted to environments of low UV radiation.[1][2][3] Light skin is most commonly found amongst the native populations of Europe and Northeast Asia as measured through skin reflectance.[4] [...]

Light-skinned people who live near the equator with high sunlight are at an increased risk of folate depletion. As a consequence of folate depletion, they are at a higher risk of DNA damage, birth defects, and numerous types of cancers, especially skin cancer.[3]

The distribution of light-skinned populations is highly correlated with the low ultraviolet radiation levels of the regions inhabited by them. Historically, light-skinned populations almost exclusively lived far from the equator, in high latitude areas with low sunlight intensity.[12] Due to colonization, imperialism, and increased mobility of people between geographical regions in recent centuries, light-skinned populations today are found all over the world.[3][13]

It is generally accepted that dark skin evolved as a protection against the effect of UV radiation; eumelanin protects against both folate depletion and direct damage to DNA.[3][16][17][18]

Light-skinned people living in high sunlight environments are more susceptible to the harmful UV rays of sunlight because of the lack of melanin produced in the skin. The most common risk that comes with high exposure to sunlight is the increased risk of sunburns. This increased risk has come along with the cultural practice of sunbathing, which is popular among light-skinned populations.

Folate deficiency in pregnant women can be detrimental to the health of their newborn babies in the form of neural tube defects, miscarriages, and spina bifida, a birth defect in which the backbone and spinal canal do not close before birth.[75] The peak of neural tube defect occurrences is the highest in the May?June period in the Northern Hemisphere.[3] Folate is needed for DNA replication in dividing cells and deficiency can lead to failures of normal embryogenesis and spermatogenesis.[3][13][30]

In two separate studies in Nigeria, very few people with albinism appear to survive to old age. One study found that 89% of people diagnosed with albinism are between 0 and 30 years of age, while the other found that 77% of albinos were under the age of 20.[22]

^ tbf they're killed at a higher rate than the general population in many areas so some of that might be down to murder.

Skin cancer is the most common malignancy among Caucasians. It represents approximately 20-30% of all neoplasms in Caucasians and 1-2% in those with colored skin [1]. Skin cancer is a major cause of morbidity and mortality in Albinos who develop premalignant and malignant lesions at a younger age and suffer from advanced skin cancers in the third to fourth decade of life [2,3].

The lack of melanin and exposure to intense ultraviolet radiation increase the risk of developing skin cancer. The lack of melanin in Albinos increases the risk of developing skin cancer by 1,000 fold as compared with the general African population [6].

The very high incidence of albinism among the Hopi tribe has been frequently attributed to the privileged status of albino males in Hopi society, who were not required to perform physical work outdoors,shielding them from the harmful affects of UV radiation. This privileged status of albino males in Hopi society allowed them to reproduce with large numbers of non-albino women, spreading the genes that are associated with albinism.[23][24]

Like you can just read wikipedia or something.

Another thing to avoid sunburns is DONT wear sunglasses. Your eyes see the sun and then send messages to your skin to prepare itself for sun exposure. When you're wearing sunglasses your eyes tell your skin it?s overcast outside and the skin is more vulnerable.

Congrats this is the most pseudoscience/nonsense of the month. Also falling for very obvious misinformation (and this claim really is,) isn't a good sign of intelligence.

https://www.thejournal.ie/sunglasses...77157-Jun2021/

So depressing.



Lol. Yes there was a music track for this. I remember the first time I listened to this on a music channel and wondered what was happening cause really it's mostly just someone talking.

[Nyctophilia]

I don't really watch films anymore and I randomly started watching Far from The Madding Crowd and I'm 11:52 into it and this is already too intense lol.

Spoiler: all the sheep died. Then he shot the dog but that's off camera.

Also felt like the beginning seemed kind of rushed somehow but maybe I'll feel differently when I finish watching it.

I haven't read the book because I wasn't in top set English in school and only the top set read that book (there were 4 sets and I was in the 2nd.) Also cause I don't read books in general.

edit: So it was pretty good. Not that there weren't a bunch of twists but when I read the themes 'betrayal' etc I was kind of expecting something more dramatic? And I guess sort of like Atonement. Also it kind of feels like a bunch of stuff just happened off screen to get from A to B with various relationships. Like:

Spoiler: one moment she runs into Frank in the middle of the night and it's kind of creepy, the next she's supposedly really into him lol.

but does it capture the book's strangeness and erotic energy?

no, then.

Michael Sheen in the new version turns in a beautifully underplayed performance, but the result is a character who would not seem out of place in a novel by Mrs Gaskell, and whose Spoiler: final murderous act seems out of character and perfunctory.

Lol yeah. I thought that.

Significantly, one of the scenes from the novel omitted by Vinterberg is the extraordinary one in which Sergeant Troy ? Spoiler: who has married Bathsheba but disappeared, presumed drowned ? re-appears having joined a low-life travelling theatre-cum-circus troupe. At the local country fair, Bathsheba joins the audience in the tent and watches him in the role of Dick Turpin, unaware of his true identity. In its theatricality ? and implicit commentary on the novel as an entertainment ? the scene could have come directly from sensation fiction, where masquerade is a frequent theme (as in Collins?s No Name, in which the strong, amoral heroine Magdalen uses her talents at stage-acting to pursue her goals). In Schlesinger?s hands, the events teeter as boldly on the edge of surreal absurdity as they do in Hardy?s original (which is probably why Vinterberg avoids them as an affront to his more naturalistic sensibility).

That sounds more interesting tbh.

Far from the Madding Crowd has been called the "warmest and sunniest" of Thomas Hardy?s novels. In contrast to the inexorable tragedy of Tess of the D'Urbervilles

Oh yeah I forgot he wrote that. I really liked the 2008 BBC adaptation of that but it is depressing.

[Doseone]

I feel like I'm fully awake now that I see that nobody has free will. Ontologically, every act is caused by the same underlying causes. Somebody shooting somebody is just as determined as you eating breakfast. In a weird way, not being responsible for your actions seems to be make you more free than so called free will. You're just a witness to what the body and mind does.

[Heelsbythebridge]

This incest storyline is the most cringe thing I've encountered in TV since basically ever.

Dexter and Deb are BROTHER AND SISTER. This entire show is basically themed on brothers and sisters.

[Heelsbythebridge]

Wtf were the writers thinking

[Doseone]

I don't know why people need such sharp kitchen knives. Do you really need to slice tomatoes paper thin? lmao.

[Ironman]

Consecutive days of 4-5 hours of sleep.....big yawn.

Happy belated Birthday, Ironman!

[Nyctophilia]

When I was a teenager online I feel like a lot of the people online I encountered were older than me like in their 30s, sometimes 20s. Now that I'm my 30s a lot of the people I encounter are young (although generally 18-22.) Maybe this is because people in that age range are more likely to put their age in their bio though. Tbf I stopped putting my age in my bio because I got fed up with having to remember to change it regularly when I'm not that active on some accounts.

Oh my god now I'm the weird ADHD (probably, undiagnosed,) 30s goth creating Sims 2 stories (on YouTube though. We doing television now.) The circle of life. This was never the plan lmfao. Still The Sims 2 (mostly,) because wtf is The Sims 4 but no it's OK I like some of the Sims like Erwin Pries and Morgyn Ember and that one ambiguously gendered merfolk person who's name I never remember, and the vampire siblings. It's just the worst from a gameplay and economic perspective. You're going to release an entire pack just about horses!?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m6tLnMV9OhM

"aqua-I mean equestrian career" no you mean aquastrian. Seahorses. Underwater world.

But I digress.


Like just scrolling through accounts and going to post ages I see...

21, a confusing profile where it says 31 and 24 Which is it?



OK I get it now one of their two names is 31 and their age is 24. Just by my saying this you know what social media site I'm on hahahaha. Yes their bio also says synth gender but that's based actually. I've stumbled on this account before.

hi welcome to my twisted shoelaces im Roland but you can also call me 31! i remade this blog from years ago so howdy its been a while ♡ geddy lee gives me gender euphoria and i love a show of hands a little too much. wendy carlos is my mom

besides rush, i love yes, steven wilson / porcupine tree, asia, the buggles, and more!

My bio is actually a nightmare and I need to change it at some point. I've just had more or less the same one since I was their age lmao like 24 or something. Like I've just shoved everything into it.

bigender/non-binary | occasionally NSFW

Tumblr mostly for fantasy, science fiction, cyberpunk, abandoned places, urban decay, alternative fashion, dark and macabre imagery, digital art, androgny, video games, films, Steven Wilson, Porcupine Tree, IAMX, various other music and band stuff, stuff related to Japan and Europe, and random funny stuff. Stuff.

Actually I thought it was longer than that but it's still pretty long. Spelt androgyny wrong.

Anyway back to the thing I was doing:

21, 18, 16, 30 - you're ruining my pattern/point!,



They're in their early 20s or younger. Not because of the age but the meme and that weird emoji I don't get that gets posed on twitter a lot. Feel like it's gen z. Probably some younger millennials use it too.

21 did I post this blog's age already? Oh no I've lost track.

18,

scrolling through timeline now instead of just this one tag lol.

26,

new game try to find someone older than me lol. I know there are because I have at some point stumbled on someone with 40 something in their bio,

29,

most people don't put their age in their bio.

21, 30, 26, 29,

This website is like Logan's Run.

Having your own personal blog is honestly quite a nice change of pace compared to Reddit. I could put a funny GIF of George Bush getting hit by a shoe on here and the worse case scenario is that no one even notices.

You put that on a big subreddit and you get your eyes gouged out and a heap of political discourse underneath your post.

YOU HEAR THAT EVERYONE??? I?M A LIL GECKO BOY

Timeline is still 1/3 this lol from people reblogging stuff.

So he's in his 30s at least if he remembers journalists chucking shoes at George Bush, but that doesn't really count because he's a reddit refugee. Also there are several people responding to that post who are 27. It's the 27 clu- nope not that.

*gets absolutely nothing done* well time for a break

why does this have 1 million notes jesus christ

Not sure I've seen that many notes before but that tracks with this one.

One time I broke my laptop by brushing my hair

I broke the power jack on mine by dropping my laptop on the floor somehow years ago. Can't remember how now maybe it fell off my bed while I was climbing on it to get to the cupboards above my bed or otherwise standing on my bed. But maybe something else entirely.



OK well that's just Strange Aeons posting about video so she's 24.

I swear it's just like the same 5 accounts popping up on my timeline right now at some point I have to sort out the blogs I'm following etc because I took a long break and now half my timeline is just Good Omens stuff and that new Interview With The Vampire show which I haven't bothered to start watching yet and I don't really care about it yet/want spoilers. And I haven't gone back to Good Omens I watched the first 3 episodes of season 1. I don't want most of my timeline to be this stuff it's disproportionate to how much I care.

I have had it with this likescolding. 'Tumblr doesn?t have an algorithm so likes don't actually do anything? motherfucker I am not clicking that heart to give some post better ~algorithmic visibility~ I am clicking that heart to help my internet friend microdose on serotonin as god fucking intended

Lol.

What's happening here?

HES SO PATHETIC (DEROGATORY)

screaming and crying reading this book stop proving freud right every 5 seconds

the Issues on this guy . the physical descriptions he gave of his grandmother and great-aunt (his de facto mothers) matches almost exactly with the description of his taste i women he gave in an interview from 1991. he remarks explicitly on the attractiveness (and the tits) of pretty much every woman between 40-70 not related to him in the entire book. the description of the tits of the women who ARE related to him. the way he has a very very clearly thought out thesis ready to go on how his fear of rejection from women came from the death of his mother. so many psychologists in this country and he probably didn't see one until he was at least 30

#christ dude ANDA AL PSICOLOGO

Who is he? He's that guy right. Fito Paez yeah.

Well this seems like a good point to stop whatever the [BEEP] I'm doing. I cba scrolling till I find someone older than 32 lol. Saw two more accounts with 22, 29 those seem like common ages.

Wait no I just found someone with 34. Boom. I won/lost the game.

I'd say something like 70-80% of people don't put an age in their bio and most people get bored with updating ages sometime post 30.

[Nyctophilia]

I was so frustrated with her but like, we all atleast learnt something about choosing men din't we? Make sure you don't fall for a rich man who can't wait or someone who makes your heart race in nervousness.. Always go with the guyyy who stands beside you and makes you feel warm.

Lol this just reminded me of that Contrapoints video (Shame):

"But are you attracted to men? Or do you just like being warm?"

That's not what she was talking about though she meant literally:

"And I can find things I like about male bodies. Like, they're very warm. I love it when you get under the covers with a man and he warms you up."

I like how in the video transcript she's put in a bunch of emojis lol:

https://www.contrapoints.com/transcripts/shame

"My attraction to women is very different. I look at a beautiful woman and it's just like, Oh nooooo. You're gorgeous, you're beautiful? This is going to destroy me! 🙂 "

But it's interesting because when I consume mainstream romance - and I was reminded of this while re-watching a bunch of Pride and Prejudice (the 2005 film with Keira Knightley,) clips (which is why I ended up watching Far from The Madding Crowd) - I don't find the men attractive most of the time. Possibly ever? I'm not attracted to them. This is also true in almost all heterosexual romance books I've read throughout my life. Most of the women commenting are attracted to them but I'm not. I still like the films though because I sort of absorb the emotions from the work like a vampire lol (and I like the soundtracks.) At one point I went through a phase of watching the rain scene from Pride and Prejudice over and over. While eating cheesecake often. very specific ritual. Because I may have undiagnosed autism too. Which is the voyeuristic component of my sexuality I suppose.

With fanfiction I generally find some work that has a character I'm actually attracted to (though to varying degrees perhaps,) and then read fanfics about them. Very rarely are they ever in canonical relationships in the source material which is interesting. I also don't necessarily find the dynamic appealing in the fanfics either in the sense that I'd want to recreate it in real life. But at least I find the guy attractive and I'm still absorbing the emotions as I say.

Another thing I sometimes do is look at pictures of guys I find attractive while reading fanfics. Sometimes guys who aren't the people in the fanfic even lol. I did this while reading Satan/Jesus fanfiction years ago. I just looked at pictures of IAMX and Andrew Eldritch and although we all know that stereotypical image of what Jesus looks like I kind of often imagined he looked like IAMX and then it would blur in my head with Jesus. I also imagined Jesus without a beard.

I've also sometimes read Loki fanfics while looking at IAMX images, but then it's easier because he looks a bit like Tom Hiddleston's Loki anyway. Also female Loki (using facepp not female Loki from the comics,) even when reading fanfics about male Loki. He doesn't read as female necessarily to my brain in these images sometimes it's like... He's somehow in an intermediate space. But in some images I imagine him more female.

At this point I find some of those Loki images more attractive than the originals but I think that's because they're newer to my brain. It was very interesting actually messing around with faceapp because it creates someone sort of similar looking but also very different. It sort of tricked my brain into thinking I'd just found a new hot person. This doesn't work well most of the time though. It definitely worked best with him. (But the app stopped working in the android emulator I used some time ago. Couldn't get it to update for some reason. And I haven't messed with faceapp in a couple of years now.)

So while watching Far from The Madding Crowd I had these gifs open:




I just compulsively look at images and gifs of guys I find attractive all the time (serotonin/dopamine abuse or something,) but I think it heightened the effect slightly to look at them while watching the film.

Another thing I realised was appealing to imagine, was that he's Elizabeth Bennet or Bathsheba Everdene. And then I started recreating the films mentally like that while watching the films/clips from the films. However it works with him as either character. Like I'm watching multiple films in my head. There's the original, then also 'what if he was in these films,' then also what if there was something in a similar universe with him? And just several concurrent daydreams.

This is the bizarre thing about my sexuality and why I think I struggle to have meaningful relationships in real life btw. There aren't exactly two people in my head that's not how I feel most of the time. I don't have some division conceptually between two sets of interests or something like that. But it is a little bit like that in regards to my sexuality.

Also (obviously,) from time to time I get very frustrated by my inability to make this conform to the structures society has created for sexuality. It's annoying to feel like you don't completely fit in anywhere and also it makes relationships and stuff like that very complicated or impossible (then on top of that I have all the other issues I have getting in the way anyway.)

There's another interesting quote (From the Shame video transcript):

"There's a kind of sick masochism in wanting someone who doesn't want you back. It's insatiable, like an addiction. And on the flipside, there's an intense erotic thrill in being desired. I think that's what got me interested in men in the first place. It's that they were interested in me. And that's pretty interesting. I've felt desired by men in a way I've never truly felt desired by women. "

You know, a man will glower at you with that agitated, carnivorous desperation.

[BEEP] me up, king! 😩

God that's hot. Gets me every time.

But notice how excitement at the attention and the flattery of being desired is not the same thing as attraction to men. There's a difference between "I want you" and "I like that you want me."

But for a long time, I confused one for the other. And one reason I was able to do that is that the normative sexual role for women is to be pursued, possessed, desired, seduced, dominated by men--it's all very passive. And in most of the sexual encounters I've had with men, I've taken a very submissive role.

I don't like it and honestly I think this goes all the way back to childhood for me. (I've deleted posts mentioning this before. So no idea how long this will stay up.) When I was 8 I remember - and this was honestly something I'd cringe about for a really long time after - dressing up in this outfit (the outfit was important somehow to the experience,) with like a purple sparkly long sleeved top etc and then I essentially gave this younger boy visiting my house a lapdance. Not properly and I didn't know what that was at the time but just like sat on his lap while taking off my underwear. I have no idea where the idea came from. I didn't know what sex was at that age either. I didn't find him attractive.

So I did that, and maybe at first I felt in control and I was just joking around, but then a bit later he asked me to do it again which I really didn't like and felt kind of disgusted/embarrassed.

Since that time I've almost never been attracted to anyone who expressed interest in me first. Though I think that's mostly a coincidence and just because the guys who did that weren't people I found attractive anyway. (There was an exception where I became more attracted because someone expressed attraction to me when I was 12.)

So I've spoken about some of this before (also my memory isn't great so I'm probably not remembering everything fully and in extreme detail,) but with my first ex I had a dream about him before we got together and then became very attracted to him. This was largely based on a fantasy and largely based on nothing really. We hung out together as part of a group with other people. I remember before we started dating he once brushed his hand against my arm and it got really tingly and I didn't want to wash it.

I was playing some drinking game and it came out that I had a dream about someone in my social circle so later he asked me if it was him so I said yes. And perhaps because of this, or perhaps because he was inexperienced/desperate (cause he was a virgin - and I assume he actually was because why lie about that if you're a guy?) He tried to push things pretty far on the first date.

So I'd just turned 19 at this point (he was I don't remember honestly but like 20-21 - early 20s he was born in either 1988 or 1989) and I was very naive and dumb honestly. I mean bear in mind not long before this I hung out with some other guy and didn't even realise it was a date until half way through. I thought we were just hanging out as friends lol.

So I went on a date with my ex - we went to Nandos (very important info no lol,) - and then he asked to come back to my place to play Magic the Gathering. So I was like 'sure'

It's all very much this:



And we did play magic the gathering cause we actually did play that at the time lol in general. Actually you know maybe we played yugioh as well? We played some tcg games either way. Then he just stayed over because I didn't ask him to leave and he obviously didn't want to. So we ended up sharing my single bed but we both kept our clothes on. And after a bit he started feeling me up over my clothes so I told him to stop and it was awkward and I lost all attraction to him.

In spite of that I continued to date him after that point because I had been really into him so wanted to see if I could get that back (because I wanted the fantasy back really,) and at some point I told him about this too how I was really into him and then my feelings mostly disappeared. Because I was pretty open later.

At some point I guess I started initiating stuff with him. From what I remember when he'd try to do that I'd get grossed out/uncomfortable. Like sometimes I'd be trying to play World of Warcraft and he'd come up and start groping my breasts and I didn't really like them being touched anyway I found I kind of prefer to forget they exist actually, but I'm sure the fact he was initiating stuff was probably bothering me on top of that. (He never tried to do anything below the waist because I think he knew it was a huge no somehow.) But then I was OK with doing stuff to him if I was in control. So like when I jerked him off the first time I initiated that. In saying that I wasn't that into that either but it was fun in an experimental way and I liked getting reactions from him. There was some minor sadistic stuff that expressed itself around this time too but nothing significant.

The weird thing is I guess is if you date guys and you're like this, you're just broken no conversation. But this was considered a 'thing' for butch lesbian women and straight trans men:

https://www.autostraddle.com/stone-butch-definition/

When "stone" first became known as a sexual identity, it was often linked to a specific gender expression: the "stone butch." According to scholar Bonnie Zimmerman's Lesbian Histories and Cultures: An Encyclopedia (2000), a stone butch is "a butch woman who does not allow herself to be touched during lovemaking, but who often experiences orgasm while making love to her partner." This "sexual style," as Zimmerman puts it, was especially prominent in the lesbian community of the 1940s and '50s, and at the time, it was intrinsically tied to butch-femme dynamics. According to a chapter about butch identity in the 1940s and ?50s from The Persistent Desire: A Femme-Butch Reader (1992), "?the [stone] butch's pleasure was always connected to the act of giving; her ability to pleasure her fem was the key to her own satisfaction." Here's how D.J., one of the chapter's stone butch interviewees, put it: "I treat a woman as a woman, down to the basic fact [that] it'd have to be my side doin' most of the doin'."

"There is some disagreement in the community over the definition of a stone butch. In the intimate moments between two women, how untouchable was she? Some butches claim that they were absolutely untouchable. That was how they were, and that?s how they enjoyed sex."

But was that really "how they were?" That was certainly true for some stone butches of earlier decades, as it's true for stone [BEEP] folks of all gender expressions today. But when being "stone" became a cultural expectation of all butches in the late 1950s, some butches felt like they had no choice -- they either had to refuse any sexual touch, even if they wanted it, or admit to "getting flipped," which was a serious cultural taboo. Here's a quote from Lillian Faderman's Odd Girls and Twilight Lovers: A History of Lesbian Life in Twentieth-Century America (1992) about the social pressures butches faced during this era:

"One former stone butch recalls, 'The derision shown those few butches who had been flipped was enough to prevent many of us, especially those of us who were not yet secure about our sexuality, from letting our partners touch us during lovemaking.'"

That just blows my mind because of course I always felt dysfunctional. I still would be viewed as dysfunctional by society. The idea of that being some kind of social + sexual norm in a niche culture is wild.

In more recent decades, being ?stone? is no longer tied to a specific gender expression or sexual orientation. While there are still masculine-presenting people who call themselves stone butches, other folks in the LGBTQ+ community consider themselves ?stone femmes,? ?stone tops,? or just plain ?stone,? and some Black [BEEP] folks use the term ?touch me not? instead. Some people even call themselves ?stone bottoms? to indicate that they only want to receive sexual touch. While many people use these descriptors with pride, all of these terms come with some baggage.

The way Jess describes being stone in Stone Butch Blues has led to a common misconception: that being stone is always a result of trauma or a means of managing gender dysphoria. While that's certainly true for some folks, there are many different reasons "why" a person might be stone. Ultimately, the reason(s) behind a person's specific sexual practices isn't anyone else's business. Every person has their own unique sexual desires and boundaries that come from a variety of places, and sometimes we can?t even name why we [BEEP] the way we [BEEP] -- because we don?t always know, and that?s okay!

"I identify as a stone top now, but I identified as a lesbian for ten years before coming out as transmasc. I identified as a stone butch then. Due to trauma and being mostly asexual (I?m demi), I had to go most of my life without feeling safe being touched sexually. Now, due to my disability, I'm not much more comfortable with it than I was 15 years ago (I?m 31). I do like giving people pleasure, though, and find it fascinating. So being stone, I do not want to be touched sexually, but I still like the intimacy behind making someone feel good." -- Jem Z.

"I think of [being stone] as another form of power play. I love being able to focus wholly on a partner without the distraction that comes from getting too physically hot and bothered myself. I often prefer remaining partially or fully clothed while I focus on my partner, not due to dysphoria, but because I get a head rush from being 'in control' while they?re losing it. It does mean I have to take care to disclose appropriately and think about my partners' mental health needs -- some people can't stop feeling that they're doing something 'wrong.' Reciprocation is so baked into our culture that folks can feel like they're not 'enough' if their partner isn't interested in chasing the elusive simultaneous climax." -- Anonymous

The control thing seems to come up a lot.

I was never very masculine especially in presentation, and I also dated guys. When I come across people who have sexual interests more like mine - and in research lots of older trans guys who were attracted to men did - they usually seemed mostly functionally normal in regards to sex acts. They enjoyed penetration etc. Many found it easier or necessary to imagine themselves as a guy in their head during sex, but many weren't really bothered about what was happening in reality. I liked the idea abstractly - in fiction and I felt like I should want it. But irl it just didn't work. Didn't like the idea at all.

But I didn't want to be 'castrated' either. Both for ego based reasons but also because it gets in the way of intimacy I think.

I would have thoughts about having a dick that became more pronounced with age (just sexually, didn't really care otherwise.) I developed a lot of envy about it at one point like when reading some erotica later on, but that was further into my 20s. The insecurity regarding sexual competition came out in my writing a lot earlier like as a teenager as I mentioned before with that one story, but it's hard to say if that's coincidence or just being incredibly dissociative honestly.



Why? I don't know I told you I think in songs lol. I have so many problems/quirks. And it's weirdly prescient of course.

I can tell you what they say in space
That our earth is too grey
But when the spirit is so digital
The body acts this way

That world was killing me
That world was killing me
Disassociative

That album cover is like an inverse of the 1997 album Sexless Demons and Scars which came out a year before. I've probably thought this before already. But I can't give a backstory on the relationships between these two bands again lol it's just too off topic.



Twiggy Ramirez and Jessicka were in an abusive relationship at one point. This song below is apparently about how Marilyn Manson referred to her as a groupie in his autobiography (which is rich coming from him as he tried to [BEEP] everyone. Including Lady Gaga when he worked with her. Lol. He slept with so many women that one time I was watching a documentary that had nothing to do with him and one of the women in the documentary at one point brought up that they'd had sex before.) There's a little bit of projection going on there. I think everyone he knew became pissed off with him about that book though. Guess I went into it a bit.



I mean we got some great music out of it all lol. Not this though. This was the worst thing either of them have ever done musically:



"If you don't get some therapy life repeats." And here we are.

Anyway Laith Ashley talks about it here too you see:



So weird that he's in a music video with Taylor Swift now. That's just insane lol. What? Anyway



I didn't learn about this until I dunno maybe 5 years ago? Though. Well after I started questioning my sexuality and gender and even after I came out as non-binary. And it was consistently weird for me because I'd just keep hearing stories about people attracted to women all the time. As I say I do not easily fit into any one category.

So me and my ex were hanging out basically all the time like basically semi living together I guess in both of our flats. And my memory isn't great but I think there were probably times where I wanted more space but also this came after a period where I always had to be hanging out with someone because I didn't like being alone now it's like the complete opposite I'm alone with myself all the time. So no part of this is really a healthy start I would say lol. And even when we weren't hanging out in person we often played WoW together and stuff like that. But I wasn't connecting to him emotionally properly. Not romantically either. It was like a platonic relationship where we just fooled around and a little codependent in some ways. But after several months he said that he loved me. He didn't expect me to say it back but we were obviously in completely different places mentally.

A couple of months later I broke up with him partly because we'd gotten more distance at this point because I moved back in with my family for the summer. We were hanging out and I think he was kind of sexually frustrated so at one point he was trying to get me to jerk him off and moved my hand and I told him no. He then apologised.

Not long after this I broke up with him. Which as I mentioned before he took really badly.

Do I like the idea of being desired though? Yeah I think in the abstract. I went around reading tweets from trans women I wasn't even attracted to talking about their interest in trans men and afab trans people. Though I don't really look like the kind of person they'd find attractive. More of a categorical thing I guess. I also have liked when guys who fantasise about being women sexually talk about stuff they want afab partners to do to them. But would I like someone to tell me this? I guess not unless I was closer with them and attracted to them. I have a lot of intimacy issues obviously and self disgust and the weird thing where I have two sexualities that need to be satisfied simultaneously. As though it isn't hard enough for most people with one...

Someone did try that approach with me online as I said before and mentioned having fantasies about sucking my dick etc (after I'd blocked them because they wouldn't stop messaging me sexual stuff before on a different website.) I don't know what it was about me that makes certain guys so desperate (it's been a while now, I'm not socially active even online really lol,) because here's the thing - it's not that this particular guy was actually into any of that stuff sexually. This wasn't someone who was like 'oh my god I found a unicorn!' He told me that he'd started to get into it more reading my posts. It was very obvious that he just wanted to appeal to me and was trying to find ways to do that. Later he changed his avatar to a musician I found attractive briefly.

[Nyctophilia]

Man I deleted that post where I mentioned trying to find the closest song Rush had to gothic rock because there was other stuff in the post I wanted to delete. I think that was the second time I did that too. But I just had a thought. Very quickly as background context I was doing this before because of these tumblr posts (they're all prog and/or metal musicians):

hot goth musicians

john entwistle

eddie jobson

ritchie blackmore

cozy powell

(feel free to add more)

90s geddy lee hands down too

90s GEDDY IS PEAK GOTH HOTTIE REAL

IKR GOTH THOTTIE

do you people know what goth is

Lol I always think about this tweet:

I don?t know much about Tumblr, by the way. Happy to hear what folks think about its usefulness.

I'm personally fairly invested in tumblr but I don't think it would work well with what you do. It's a totally different culture that's kind of hard to explain but tumblr is a place where people mass hallucinate movies that never existed, not one where they talk about urbanism.

Honestly one of the funniest tweets I've ever read. The guy was like a city planner looking for ways to promote whatever he was doing and new social media sites to expand onto.

But I just thought it would be much easier to answer with Porcupine Tree and Steven Wilson's music lol. He actually covered A Forest:



And wrote his own song clearly based on A Forest:



And then a lot of his other music while not being goth rock has themes similar to the genre. With Rush I was struggling to come up with anything (at least from what I've heard so far,) like maybe The Enemy Within or something is slightly spooky lol? Ultimately I just went with Temples of Syrinx which is part of the track 2112 off the album 2112 because of the x in the name (like Clans of Xymox,) and because it has mythological references which is similar to some goth rock. Mostly goth rock fused with other genres though like Dead Can Dance's Within the Realm of a Dying Sun album.

And obviously Steven Wilson talked about how at one point he bought and really loved the Album Pornography by The Cure (I recorded him saying this lol because it was at a concert I went to,) and was clearly influenced in general by goth rock and related genres, industrial too (like Throbbing Gristle,) and thinking about it even has song lyrics about Dead Can Dance lol.



When I was 13 I had a sister for 6 months
She arrived one February morning
Pale and shellshocked
From past lives I could not imagine
She was 3 years older than me
But in no time we became friends
We'd listen to her mixtapes
Dead Can Dance, Felt, This Mortal Coil
She introduced me to her favorite books
Gave me clothes
And my first cigarette

He's not talking about himself and this song is from a concept album with a character who is based on a woman who disappeared from society in London and died, and she was dead for over two years before anyone noticed (Joyce Carol Vincent.) But I imagine since he listens to such a diverse range of music anyway he probably would have listened to some of Dead Can Dance's music.

The dark themes are how you know he's gen x lol. I've heard some people say his music is too I forget the exact wording now but essentially depressing/negative etc for them. Not that all of Gen x's music was like this but it went into that direction a lot. Actually some of his early work was more fantastical and upbeat I think.

There's a lot of darker music though even while not being goth rock. This is the first and only time this has ever been played live I believe. I was at this concert (It's good that they recorded the whole song because I only recorded parts of the concert and by that point I think the battery on my camera was running out anyway either that or storage space. People were commenting on my video asking for an entire upload of that track in full. Although it's missing the interesting video that was playing behind them) but again it's closer to the 'vibes'



Weird creepy music again:



Insurgentes and Grace For Drowning were pretty dark (I think of it as a musical continuation of The Incident Porcupine Tree album too.)







I only discovered this track recently but it's great from his really early material:



And now I'm kind of more amused by the irony of the tumblr post because there is a musician who has created both progressive rock music and was inspired by goth rock music but of course they were focussing mostly on 70s musicians.

Also I started watching this documentary again (which I first watched ages ago like about a decade ago.) And the video description from 2022 xD

The Insurgentes documentary / road-movie Lasse Hoile made in 2008-9 about the recording of my first solo album has now been remastered and can be viewed here. It?s a snapshot of where I was at that time in my life - having recently turned 40, this period was about taking some new creative paths, and both my solo career and work remixing classic albums began around this time. We had a lot of fun doing the film but it was not the happiest time for me in my personal life (which definitely comes across), plus not everyone got what we thought was surreal and funny. So I think it created an impression of me as a rather dour and over-serious individual that for some people is - understandably perhaps - still their overriding impression of me! Still I'm proud of what we did, and I believe it remains quite unique in the pantheon of music documentaries.

Yes I got that impression that he's a lot happier now and yeah haha I can see why he addressed this lol. I thought the bit with the vocoder etc was really cool. From 12:06-15:23.

Also 'It's funny because people ask me a lot why are there trains so much in my songs' xD

Also (I remembered because he's walking around his old school in the video,) it's weird that he grew up in Hemel Hempstead and formed Porcupine Tree there and also has a recording studio there because it's not that far from where I live like a 4 hour walk. It's just the most mundane thing really. It's kind of like Alan Moore except like even weirder because it's way nearer and Northampton I've known people from there (I met them when I was living in Derby though,) but it's edging into the East Midlands so it's slightly different. But you know you hear about Hemel Hempstead on local radio or whatever. I don't know it's just surreal somehow. (I'm not actually high or drunk or whatever but sometimes when I'm on my period I basically get high these days... It's weird.) Like this place is complete hell and then like his home studio where he's recorded most of his music is just there. What are you doing there? You know but tbf he'd also lived in Israel a bunch (which is both different and exactly the same thing symbolically.) Tbf I also think this about the countryside around this town and just the variation. England is so weird man. That's where the teenagers had a machete fight during the day in the shopping centre, and if you walk for 48 minutes that's the place where they filmed some of the James Bond film The World Is Not Enough, Bleak House, Wilde, The World's End, The Secret Garden, Vampire Killers what is that lol (just looking at films filmed at least in part in this mansion.)

Oh it's also known as lesbian vampire killers of course.

Their women having been enslaved by the local pack of lesbian vampires thanks to an ancient curse, the remaining menfolk of a rural town send two hapless young lads out onto the moors as a sacrifice.

Lesbian Vampire Killers is set in Norfolk, based around the village of Cranwich which is portrayed in the film as Cragwich, but was filmed outside London on location at Luton Hoo in Bedfordshire and in Three Mills film studios in Bromley-by-Bow.

Oh wow. So then technically this is the town. I'm dying.

It's the thing where the UK doesn't exist and is just a giant live action role playing game again.


Stuff's getting really weird here too lately. How dare it? That's my thing. I noticed this pub had some kind of event on where they were telling ghost stories and doing psychic readings haha. 'But my identity is hating this place and unprocessed trauma that's attached to the geography and buildings in fact I believe I was invited to that pub by the girl who bullied me for most of my life lol,' anyway with that kind of thing I don't really believe it but just like the aesthetics. A coach drove past too and then I noticed it had like a image design with blood on it? It was so confusing it looked like this regular coach and then for no apparent reason an image of blood on the side (can't think what else it was.) I meant to look that up later but I can't remember the name of the company now so frustrating. Maybe some kind of stagecoach thing? It was hilarious though I was walking with my brother and then we were talking about the coach and then suddenly like wtf. No explanation for why it has that branding. Like Halloween came early here or something.

Unsurprisingly googling some combination of blood and coach and UK wasn't productive.

Started reading this because I was looking for a quote:

https://maconiejarrow.wordpress.com/...st-of-england/

He's talking about this song while he's waiting to go to Luton.



'age restricted' oh ffs really

But it's the first line of this song that's been haunting me. "They say the immigrants steal the hubcaps of respected gentlemen/They say it would be wine and roses, if England were for Englishmen again" This refrain has rung down the years of English history and never more so than this summer. My book will feature much about this, but The Clash's words ran through my head as, sitting in a Bedford cafe before setting off for Luton, I picked up a magazine called This England' which, at first glance, looked like a more cosy and twee version of the stuff I'm interested in. Maybe not exactly Orwell and Priestly but churches, history, landscape, maybe even a recipe for a better Bedfordshire Clanger.

But as I turned the pages I realised sadly that for all its pictures of the autumnal Chilterns and village greens, 'This England' was essentially by and for the pretty hardcore Eurosceptic right with much sneering and raging about 'diversity'(their quotation marks) and a piece called Independence Day which essentially equated the Brexit vote with the Battle Of Britain in terms of national salvation. As I have said, I don't share some of the metropolitan disgust at how many working class combines voted but I still found This England had a tone I don't recognise as the real national voice; petty, fearful and mean. That might be your England, chaps, but it's not mine. We won the Battle Of Britain with a hell of a lot of Czech and Polish pilots, you know.

[BEEP] I forgot about this too lol:

Via social media, I've arranged to meet a Labour councillor Rachel in a pub in Luton this afternoon where a wake/tribute is being held to celebrate the life and mourn the passing of famed Lutonian comic book artist Steve Dillon, creator of Hellblazer and Preacher and famous for his work on 2000 AD and Deadline as well as Marvel and DC. He died suddenly from a ruptured appendix on a visit to New York. By the time I get there, tears and beer are flowing and the mood is warm and emotional. Ian, Rachel's boyfriend, tells me affectionately ?all the politburo are here" by which he means several other councillors and Rachel?s dad Kelvin, Labour MP for Luton North with whom I grab a chat in the tap room. When a march came by to commemorate the 50th anniversary of the Jarrow Crusade, Rachel, a firebrand 'lefty teen', went down to cook them breakfast. When she told her grandfather this, he told her that he had done the same for the original marchers in his native Leicester in 1936

It's funny too because I've not paid as much attention to him. But I was always kind of drawn to Alan Moore because of his weird occult thing, and this video I watched a long time ago about his thoughts. We also live very opposite lives (he's very offline,) so that's always interesting. And he also incorporated a lot of Northampton into his comics but he's disowned most of them now as I've said before, because he believes comic book films are a precursor to fascism.

"I said round about 2011 that I thought that it had serious and worrying implications for the future if millions of adults were queueing up to see Batman movies. Because that kind of infantilisation ... that urge towards simpler times, simpler realities ... that can very often be a precursor to fascism."


I like them in the same way I like cheeseburgers, and I also like the fanworks created around some characters, but I do see his overall point.

You won't hear all of this though you know. You'll hear.

My friend:

I was listening to a podcast the other day and they started talking about what a horrible place Luton is

I think he'd get it:

Councillor Mark says that in his opinion, Luton is a 'northern industrial town in the South Of England'. Politically it has never been as conservative as the rest of the Home Counties although it did return Tory MPs at the high imperial phase of Thatcherism.

Apparently this has been happening a bunch here's a discussion from some rail forum in 2018:

Luton is a dump. Horrible. What I find really confusing is that it is like a northern town but 45 minutes form London. Why has the affluence passed Luton by?

I remember that Luton a few years ago had the nickname: "the only ex-mill town in the south". Rather fitting at the time, but many of the real mill towns in the north have since tidied their acts up and become quite desireable to those working in Manchester and Leeds.

I really don't understand it. It does have a Mill Town feel although my experience is more ex coal/ex steel towns in the north east. We don't have the Manchester effect on Teesside or Wearside.

I know Luton was historically a manufacturing town and that sector has contracted massively however i don't understand why that hasn't led to a change to an affluent London commuter town. Afterall it has rows and rows and rows of small terraced houses ideal for young people starting out. Could it be an ethnicity/demographic thing?

Now the hats are largely gone and the Vauxhall operations are much less than in their heyday, the town has hit hard times, but unlike many northern post-industrial towns, doesn't seem to have found a new role.

The airport lol?

First of all, Luton was "blessed" with the first undercover mall in the UK. It was just plonked right in the heart of the town, ensuring the destruction of many of the more interesting {and aesthetically pleasing} buildings. In short the Luton Arndale ripped the heart out of the town centre... There is an urban myth in Luton that any architect commissioned to build a new shopping centre is taken around the Luton Arndale and then told "that's what we don't want.

This is a very good point as my mum would talk about this when I was a kid often while we walked around the shopping centre. Because she remembered some stuff that existed there before but she must have been quite young.

The area that would become the new shopping centre was cleared during the 1960s. Many notable buildings which had escaped the damage of World War II were subsequently demolished.

Survived World War II but beaten by shopping mall.

It isn't just Luton, look at Slough, Stevenage, Bracknell, Dartford, Basildon, Gravesend, Tilbury and to a lesser extent Reading.

Not heard of it. What a name lol. I've been to Reading once when going to see The Hobbit film (one of them and I don't remember which one. I also forget why I went all the way to Reading now but I think there was a reason some technical thing I think,) but didn't see much of the town.

I have only ever been to Luton twice, only once have I left the station. I think my opinions on the place have been summarised well by those above!

You've only once left the station. I'm a complete hermit and I've spent more time here than you.

Intrestingly I was discussing this very question with my stepdad the other day. He originally hails from Harpenden and knows the surrounding area pretty well. He likened Luton to Croydon, with a rough centre but some nicer bits on the periphery.

Yes exactly.

That's true, but it seems that Luton's continued decline despite immense pressures on affordable housing in the south-east is an exception. Luton doesn't even have any sense of identity, except maybe from EDL supporters.

Our identity is hating the town. It's a great identity. The hilarious thing is my reasons for hating it are mostly legit from having grown up here unlike most people complaining. Someone I'm subscribed to on YouTube had the same thing with their English town it's what happens when you get bullied a lot and have no escape. You externalise the hate from being trapped.

That being said there are many eccentric people from here so that could be it too. But we're not quite Florida man yet.

Luton's north of Watford - it's in the north

Lol it's north of the town of Watford not the Watford Gap village in Northamptonshire (which of course is not the modern north either.)

(As has been alluded to in certain comments) It has a terrible reputation for Islamism and far right politics might be what it's most known for since Stacey Dooley made a documentary on that, and both have a grain of truth. Not overly appealing to outsiders. There has been some interesting developments around though. This one place is almost something an Oregonian Hipster might be drawn to, though it closed and I think has been bought by someone else not sure what's happening there.

Most importantly I remember a time where I had to go to London to get bubble/boba tea - technically Luton will be absorbed by London eventually and as much as I enjoy London and like visiting I become a full on Northerner in attitude when faced with 'Luton is part of London' the airport is in Luton why is your name on the airport... - but yes so there are now four boba tea shops in the town centre. We're living in the future. I never buy boba tea I've drank it twice I think but it's good to know I could.

But lets face it, I'd much rather live in somewhere like Trowbridge, Melksham, Halifax, Huddersfield etc than a southern ****hole like Luton.

I dunno I knew some people from Trowbridge once and I don't think they felt it was great in my vague recollection.

This is why I get a bit irritated by people uniformly referring to 'The South' though tbh. Someone who I am actually subscribed to was doing this in a video recently (they're not Northern either they're from the midlands.)

And despite being part of 'England's Economic Heartland' - the largest urban area, geographically central in the area - it is treated as peripheral and edge to that too, almost as if it doesn't exist!

Oh techncially it doesn't exist. As I keep saying arguably England doesn't.

[Doseone]

I think I may be asexual. The idea of sex is gross to me.

[Nyctophilia]

It appears I've reached the desperate point of writing my own erotic fiction again for possibly the first time in... 14 or so years. Unless you count whatever I was doing with AI dungeon in 2018ish.

I guess it's partly a response to Rachilde's sexual negativity in Monsieur Venus too by inverting the dynamic (somewhat,) so instead of her feminising a guy and the guy becoming disgusted with her because of that and then her being sadistic the whole way through and really possessive by assuming some other guy is into that guy when said other guy I believe was actually into her (I forget the various details,) and then she Spoiler: convinces him to have a duel with the feminine guy so he ends up being killed and then things get necrophilic. Like instead of that maybe the guy is already pretty feminine and he's part of this other rich guy's (I don't know he's some kind of lord?) harem and there's a sort of androgynous afab character who is some kind of hired bodyguard/assassin and he notices her watching him often so he starts flirting with her. Then later she accidentally sees them having sex because the door is open and he notices her there and stares at her as she watches, and then later he tries to seduce her with his fantasies of what he was thinking about at that time while they're in the library (oh no there always has to be a library. I have a serious problem in this regard.) As she's just trying to find a book for someone else (that's not fleshed out either it doesn't particularly matter right now,) and trying to ignore him but:

His long brown hair looked incredibly soft and he was wearing a flowing white kimono embroidered with white leaves. It was open, exposing his chest. He had such delicate features it made something in her heart ache a little.

The sunlight was making his hair glow and he seemed almost angelic standing there. If not for his mischievous eyes.

(this is already incredibly cringe but I guess I'm just becoming one with the cringe now/regressing into a 16 year old. Soon I will be writing terrible poetry again. Or deleting this post later either way)

In another part he's wearing like a greek goddess tunic kind of thing with jewellery cause the setting for this universe makes no sense and hasn't solidified in my head. Somewhere between a gothic castle by the sea and an ancient greek villa.

Yes the love interest in my story's physical appearance is loosely based on 1970s Geddy Lee. It's going to be a huge problem for the indefinite future I imagine until I find a new 'muse.'

And then he talked about his fantasy and how he imagined she's a powerful sorceress who possesses some guy's body and storms into the room and drags him off the other guy and you know various 'graphic events.' Shouldn't really quote stuff here lol. Then, she turns back into herself towards the end of his fantasy but keeps the other guy's dick. That's a very rude thing to do honestly.

I started off with a later scene where they're secretly trying to find someplace to makeout or have sex (I skipped onto other stuff before finishing this,) before his master gets back because they started a secret affair so they go up to this tower (there's like an stairwell hidden behind a tapestry with a staircase leading up to this tower.) Where you can see the sea through the window because it's next to the ocean. I was trying to fit ocean symbolism into this too because that's another thing that always has to happen apparently. Maybe he could be a merman? I like the idea of him as a witch too or I could try not to write seventeen stories at once. That too.

At this point I kind of wanted him to be wearing a short skirt like that fan art drawing of Geddy Lee wearing a short skirt while writing basslines that someone came up with on tumblr but he was wearing the greek outfit and it's potentially anachronistic for whatever setting I go with in the end which is likely to be set in the past in a different universe (a long time ago in a galaxy far away,) and I'm trying to write something here that could potentially work as a narrative later, but at the same time this was just supposed to be about my fantasies so whatever.

Also then wrote some other awkward scene that I guess could happen at some point where his master finds out she's into him and decides to [BEEP] with her so he tells her to come to the hall (which is essentially a throne room,) because he needs to talk with her about something, and then she approaches and she has to watch him as he sits on this throne while the other guy is on his lap which bothers her but she makes a point of not showing it bothers her and then he starts to explain what he wants her to do but then the other guy notices she's there when she speaks and stops 'what he's doing' because he feels uncomfortable and the rival guy is like 😠 when he stops and she's like 😏 because (though obviously he doesn't vocalise this,) he shouldn't care about her potential feelings and it's ruining his game a bit.

I assume the direction would eventually involve transformation themes as well with her being more masculinised or something. Not to the degree of the love interests' initial fantasy where she possesses the body of a more masculine man - because that doesn't work for me as a permanent form - but mostly acquiring a dick.

Although I think it would also be good to have some kind of f/f-adj version too. With more 'oral stuff.'

I don't know call me crazy but it just seemed marginally better than - again spoilers:

The discovery that Raoule cannot be a man provokes Jacques's "paroxysme de la folie" 9. He truly believes in their created world and displays a fear of the unknown power of the female body which, until then, Raoule had kept hidden from view, as well as a realization of the sacrifice she has made of him. Raoule's own fetishism for the masquerade they have been living works against her. She has forced her will and thus her fetishized world upon Jacques, and has overwhelmed him such that nature, or the real physicality of her body, becomes offensive to him.

The violence that marks Raoule's personality throughout the work extends itself into the duel she arranges which she knows Jacques cannot win. Raoule, as master manipulator, has Raittolbe play the role of her champion and even chooses for weapon the sword - a phallic symbol which the effeminate Jacques is incapable of wielding. The constant fluctuation between images of birth and death, male and female, castration and anticastration indicate that gender roles are being effaced, rather than reversed. This upsetting of worlds in Rachilde's novel leads to my labeling of Raoule as monster, according to the first part of Foucault's definition:

C'est le melange de deux especes, c'est le mixte de deux especes [...] C'est le mixte de deux individus [...] C'est le mixte de deux sexes : celui qui est a la fois homme et femme est un monstre.10

It is the mixture of two species, it is the mixture of two species [...] It is the mixture of two individuals [...] It is the mixture of two sexes: the one who is both male and female is a monster.10

Yes I'm still on some level deeply upset by this story I didn't even read 100% of the way through lol. It's just very bleak. Not much stuff with a dynamic like that that I've ever stumbled on either.

So partly a response to that but mostly I started writing this because I wanted to absorb myself into some other world and had various thoughts come into my head and most of these are just old fantasies. I dunno if I'll actually end up writing an entire thing with plot etc. I mean I never finish anything (especially writing.) I wrote 35,000 words aprox (I think,) for nanowrimo in 2013 but didn't make it to 50k and never finished the fantasy story anyway.