I'm so sorry about this >_< but I have yet to have ever really talked about this.
I live with BDD everyday and it's unbearable. It's going to sound petty and stupid and I'm sorry, but for me it's always been a damaging struggle.
I'm frustrated because I wish I were smaller! I hate my body. I'm at my healthy weight, but I feel too broad. I have a wider rib-cage and wider hips to support my larger chest, and it feels like everything is out of proportion. I'd rather look like a tiny model with no chest, so I felt small and delicate. I don't *feel* like a "full-figured woman" or whatever you want to call it.
A lot of people tell me I should be proud, that I'm beautiful, and a few girls envy my size and waist. But I don't like it at all. This isn't how I feel, and I don't have the personality to match. I feel very insecure in my skin, and loath my body so much, I'm uncomfortable and can barely leave the house.
Clothes fit weird and my chest is always the first thing people notice. I'm tired of it. I wish I could be more accepting but I'm not, I just can't. I see myself differently, and wish that what I saw in the mirror could match, but it just doesn't fit.
I'll spend hours inside just trying to make myself look a certain way, to feel differently, to try and feel acceptable enough to leave. I'll have panic attacks and sit inside a while to calm down, or cry and get frustrated. I feel like everything is wrong, from my skin to my hair to my clothes to my body. I'll stare in the mirror and see everything change, my bones feel too broad or uneven, my nose changes, my face distorts, and I just can't handle it. I feel like people are staring at me when I go outside. I'm reluctant to be close to people because I hate how I feel.
I feel like a different person on the inside, and the outside doesn't fit. Like I'm detached or something. I'm such a mess. I avoid pictures, and people think my reactions are very scary and unhealthy, and I know it. The best I can do is maybe take a picture of my face, but I'll end up cutting it up or distorting it in some manner. I can't keep anything around long enough that shows me. I'm always wishing I looked like someone else, admiring people from afar. I feel like every girl in the world has something I can never have, and will always be able to replace me. Relationships are messy because of my insecurities, and it doesn't matter how much a person compliments me or tries to dissuade me, my mind always ruins it.
Next to my sister (who looks more like the model on the left), I'm always going to look like the 'bigger girl'. I can't escape this idea, that no matter what, I'll be 'broader shaped', and in many people's eyes, that's too big. This fascination with the tiny, 'skinny' girl I feel is on everyone. I feel like mannequins in clothing stores are all shaped the same, like it's just telling me I'm wrong.
I feel like it just gets worse everyday. I don't even know how to handle it anymore. I see my therapist once a month, but she doesn't seem very helpful or knowledgeable with BDD issues.
Can anyone relate?