They just don't seem to understand me. One after another.
There always comes a point where it seems like they are blaming me for how I am, that it's somehow my choice. And the other day when i read a poem to my present counselor where I mentioned a gun in the beginning with no bullets in it, and at the end of the poem I asked what happened to me--were there really bullets in that gun? Meaning did I really die back then? Cuz it sure feels like it. It was about how the last 25 yrs of my life have been a waste. I haven't amounted to anything, no family or career... So I had written it to get my feelings out.
So then he says, "You've been restricting yourself." Referring to the last 25 yrs. I said no I haven't; other people have done that to me. He said "is anyone doing that now?" .....See? Here we go--down the road where I'm just simply doing things to myself & it's all my fault? I told him only a moron would choose to feel how I do. We had a "discussion" that didn't go anywhere.
In the past I would've been a doormat and said nothing. But now I speak up when someone says something that hurts me or feels like they are against me. (some people don't like that, btw). Then he tried to make it sound nicer by saying I "get in my own way." I said I don't agree. I don't see it like that at all.
Anyway, I didn't bother telling him that I see it EXACTLY OPPOSITE to how he worded it--I see myself as FREEING myself from what other people have done/made me feel. THAT"S what I've been doing--not restricting myself!
(I've slowly been getting better over the years, thanks mainly to myself. Even when I see therapists, most of the good ideas are MINE. And progress happens because I take advantage of opportunities in real life, NOT in THERAPY situations--usually they go terribly. So I'm the one who deserves the CREDIT for making progress. I don't need to be BLAMED for still not being perfect or, IDK, whatever they expect me to be?...)
I am very sensitive to being blamed, so when people word things to sound like they're blaming me, I get mad and defensive.
If therapists aren't able to see the good I do, then they won't validate it, and if they won't do that, I don't know what else they are good for really. I'd rather just stay home and do it myself without going there and just getting frustrated because I always feel like I have to prove and defend myself to them. When in reality, I shouldn't have to.
Does anyone have any thoughts? I respect honesty, and wonder if I am taking comments like the restricting myself one the wrong way? I'm not able to see that comment in a positive way at all. Can you? I'd like to see it from some other perspective, if I can.