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  1. #1
    Sagan's Avatar Carl Sagan
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    Bad jokes! Post your bad jokes here!

    Why did the man tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?.........



    He did not want to wake up the sleeping pills.
    http://youtu.be/zSgiXGELjbc

    "A still more glorious dawn awaits
    Not a sunrise, but a galaxy rise
    A morning filled with 400 billion suns
    The rising of the milky way"

    "The sky calls to us
    If we do not destroy ourselves
    We will one day venture to the stars" -Carl Sagan

  2. #2
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    What's brown and sounds like a bell?




















    Dung!



  3. #3
    meeps's Avatar
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    pffff

  4. #4
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  5. #5
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    Ok, you guys. My best bad joke. I even won a contest in a bar for it.

    There was a guy who was meeting his girlfriend's family for the first time. He was standing on her porch waiting for her to open the door and he felt some gas building up. "Great," he thought. But he couldn't do anything about it because just then the door opened.

    Well, it was a lovely family scene - everyone around the table - the family dog under his chair.

    But he was really starting to hurt as the gas was building up.

    So he thought, "maybe I'll just get rid of a little and I'll feel better." So he lets out just a little bit of gas.

    Then the girlfriend's mother goes, "Spot!"

    "Oh this is great!," thought the guy. "She blamed the dog. Maybe I'll just let out a little more. Then I can enjoy my meal and will feel a lot better."

    So the guy lets out a little more gas and the women goes, "Spot!"

    "Great!" thought the guy. "She blamed the dog again. I'll just let it all out and then I'll feel so much better."

    So he lets out this loooooonnnnnnnnnnggggggggggg drawn out fart.

    The woman goes, "Spot!! Get out from under his chair before he shits on you!"
    The Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about

  6. #6
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    Ok. And I have to tell you about Boudreaux and Thibodeaux.

    See Boudreaux got a job with the highway department. He showed up at work the first day and his boss, Thibodeaux handed him a bucket of paint and a brush. He told Boudreaux, "You take this paint and brush and you go paint that line down the middle of the highway. Each day, you write down how many miles you painted.

    So Boudreaux walks out to the highway, puts down his paint can, dips his brush and starts painting.

    On the first day he did great. He logged in 20 miles of painting. The second day he logged in 10 miles. The third, he did 5 and then the fourth he did only 1.

    His boss, Thibodeaux called him into the office on the fourth day and said, "Boudreaux, you did really well in the beginning.You painted 20 miles, then 10. But you haven't done so well the last couple of days. Why is that?

    Boudreaux shook his head and said, "I'm sorry Mr. Thibodeaux. You see. That ole' paint can. Well, it just gets further and further away."
    The Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about

  7. #7
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    And did you hear about when Boudreaux was babysitting?

    Boudreaux was watching the kids for the day. His friend, Thibodeaux was over to his house drinking a beer.

    Thibodeaux looks down at Boudreaux's baby and sees that the baby's diaper was really full.

    He turns to Boudreaux and says, "Don't ya think you oughta be changing that diaper soon?"

    Boudeaux goes over to da baby and puts his hand under the diaper. He holds it up under the baby a bit and says, "No, not yet. The box says 36 to 42lbs."
    The Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about

  8. #8
    Otherside's Avatar
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    Knock knock
    Who's there?
    Cows go
    Cows go who?
    No, silly, cows go moo!!!

    ...
    I'M GONNA FIGHT 'EM ALL
    A SEVEN NATION ARMY COULDN'T HOLD ME BACK.......


  9. #9
    James's Avatar
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    Speaking of cows....
    Where do cows go out on a date on Saturday night?













    The moooooooooo-vies
    Bereavement is a darkness impenetrable to the imagination of the unbereaved. ~Iris Murdoch

    Your girlfriend's silence might be her loudest scream.

    If you still have more dreams than regrets, congratulations. You haven't gotten old yet.

    Spend every moment like it's your last. Hug her, kiss her, hold her, like it's the last time that you ever will. Because it might be.

  10. #10
    James's Avatar
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    I heard this over Easter...

    Where does the Easter Bunny go for breakfast?













    IHOP!!!
    Bereavement is a darkness impenetrable to the imagination of the unbereaved. ~Iris Murdoch

    Your girlfriend's silence might be her loudest scream.

    If you still have more dreams than regrets, congratulations. You haven't gotten old yet.

    Spend every moment like it's your last. Hug her, kiss her, hold her, like it's the last time that you ever will. Because it might be.

  11. #11
    Sagan's Avatar Carl Sagan
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    Whaddya call a cow with no legs?




    Ground beef.
    http://youtu.be/zSgiXGELjbc

    "A still more glorious dawn awaits
    Not a sunrise, but a galaxy rise
    A morning filled with 400 billion suns
    The rising of the milky way"

    "The sky calls to us
    If we do not destroy ourselves
    We will one day venture to the stars" -Carl Sagan

  12. #12
    Sagan's Avatar Carl Sagan
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    .Why are fire trucks red?













    Fire trucks have 4 wheels and 8 firefighters.
    4 plus 8 is 12.
    12 inches is a foot.
    A ruler is 1 foot long.
    and then we're back to Rosco T: http://www.democraticunderground.com/1018366529#post4
    Queen Elizabeth was a ruler.
    The Queen Elizabeth was a ship.
    Ships sail in the ocean.
    Fish are in the ocean.
    Fish have fins.
    The Fins fought the Russians.
    Russians are red.
    Fire trucks are always rushin', therefore...
    http://youtu.be/zSgiXGELjbc

    "A still more glorious dawn awaits
    Not a sunrise, but a galaxy rise
    A morning filled with 400 billion suns
    The rising of the milky way"

    "The sky calls to us
    If we do not destroy ourselves
    We will one day venture to the stars" -Carl Sagan

  13. #13
    Sagan's Avatar Carl Sagan
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    http://youtu.be/zSgiXGELjbc

    "A still more glorious dawn awaits
    Not a sunrise, but a galaxy rise
    A morning filled with 400 billion suns
    The rising of the milky way"

    "The sky calls to us
    If we do not destroy ourselves
    We will one day venture to the stars" -Carl Sagan

  14. #14
    Sagan's Avatar Carl Sagan
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    http://youtu.be/zSgiXGELjbc

    "A still more glorious dawn awaits
    Not a sunrise, but a galaxy rise
    A morning filled with 400 billion suns
    The rising of the milky way"

    "The sky calls to us
    If we do not destroy ourselves
    We will one day venture to the stars" -Carl Sagan

  15. #15
    Coffee's Avatar
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    What did one sushi say to the other?
    Wassaaaaabi!

    What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
    Dam.

    A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender how much for a beer. The bartender replies, "for you? No charge".

    A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve your kind here". The mushroom replies, "Why not? I'm a fungi!"

    What do you call a judge with no thumbs?
    Justice fingers.

    And one of my favourites which you will need an odd sense of humour for, and advance apologies to Koalafan:
    Why did the koala fall out of the tree? Because it was dead.
    Why did the second koala fall out of the tree? Because it was stapled to the first koala..
    Why did the third koala fall out of the tree? Because it thought it was a race to the bottom.
    Why did the fourth koala fall out of the tree? Peer pressure.
    Why did the Australian fall off his bike? Because he was hit by 4 koalas.

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