Otherside
I'd like to think I don't make threads like this with "my life is so shit, and this is why, etc etc." If I'm wrong, then fine, my apology. But yeah, I kinda need help, and I didn't know what else to call this.
My mood has flicked from up to down super fast. Now I'm down. I don't know what to do. I've debated calling the pdocs and getting help. I've messaged a friend on Facebook and asked for help. I've ended up taking the battery and sim card out of my phone. I don't want to put it back in. I just don't. I'm getting screamed at, several messages sent to me that aren't so nice. Said person knows I'm bipolar, said person has been at the receiving end of my not so nice bipolar back last year. I've tried to explain that I don't remember it. I've tried. But I'm being told that I do by her. Thing is, I don't. There's bit that I remember, bits I don't, and I've got a lot of blanks in my memory throughout last year. I've managed to piss a lot of people off, I've tried to kill myself twice, overdosed more times than I can count. I can't recieve more than enough meds to get me through to the next doctors appointment-usually seven or so-at a time because they don't trust me with anymore than that. I've tried saying sorry to people but it's never good enough. I genuinely am sorry. I hate my illness and I hate what I do when I'm hypomanic. I hate that I can't hold a stable opinion about anyone because one minute I hate them and the next I love them to bits and they're my best friend. I hate that I say things on impulse and because my mood swings. I hate that everyone is expecting me to somehow be able to control it when it gets pretty bad, as it was last year, and when I was unmedicated. I hate that people seem to think they know what this is like and that its best for me.
Said person who's been texting me...well, I don't know what to say anymore. I've tried, but I never seem to do the right thing at all. I just don't seem to be able to. Anxiety prevents me from talking sometimes. Depression means I don't feel like talking. Hypomania means I act like an irritable bitch. Paranoia means I scream at them and start arguments over things that make no sense. I've been told by my psychiatrist that unmedicated, what I did was not my fault. They did nothing to help until my illness reached crisis point, despite the fact I'd been asking for help from them for several months. They just weren't listening. And so my moods continued to flip, each time the flipping getting worse. Up until the point at which I tried to kill myself, failed. made an attempt to run away from home, and was dragged over to see a doctor by my parents that day.
And last text I received? "I'm not in class like you guys at the mo, so..."
I'm not either, properly. I'm not even intending to pass exams this year. I don't know if I'm even going to bother doing them. I put the timetable somewhere, but I can't remember where, so I don't know when and what I have. It could be first thing tomorrow for all I know and I'm not even aware of it. I'm going to college still because my pdoc has recommended structure in my day, as opposed to sitting around doing nothing, and college has been sent a letter from my pdoc telling them this and telling them to back off when I miss deadlines or classes because I'm not well, I'm barely stable, and I'm struggling mentally. She knows that. Why did she say that to me? Why did it upset me so much? I don't know, it just did.
Anxiety Space...if you read this...I just don't know what to do, and I need help. My moods going lower again, as low as it was back when things were bad. I'm just scared, and I don't know what to do. I'm unstable again, it seems, and the mood swings seem to be shorter than usual, but the same intensity as they were before. Hypomania barely lasted a day before I returned back to depression. I might regret posting this later but still...Somebody please...help.
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