When "life" continues to re-traumatize you

[Rolling]

When life continues to re-traumatize you, in the form of repeated loss, separation, abandonment, etc for whatever reason, circumstance or situation, is that really another example of self-fulfilling prophecy?

Self-fulfilling prophecy being the phenomenon of consciously or sub-consciously recreating past traumatic events or circumstances as an attempt by the mind to somehow either create a situation it's familiar with (even if it's bad, it's predictable and therefore slightly less scary) or as a way to reenact the "scene" and try to alter it's ending, but you never really can because really you're trying, in the here and now, to change the past, which cannot be done.

anyone relate with this type of pattern?

[Chantellabella]

I see you're new. Welcome to the forum!

I used to continue to find abusive relationships or co-dependent relationships where I would engage in victim/rescuer/perpetrator triangles. Because I was giving off the signal that I was a victim, bullies and perpetrators and rescuers would flock to me. Since I was getting involved in the same type of people and engaging in the same types of behavior, the same thing of abuse, abandonment, conflict, etc was happening.

I also kept cutting, finding ways to sabotage myself, and as you say re-creating the situation. I did that because I felt I was guilty and deserved to be punished. Often an abuse survivor takes on the perpetrator's guilt because he or she has to bond. Abuse survivor's learn quickly to feel guilty even when they are not, so they can keep the perpetrator innocent. Our minds just tell us it's easier to love them if they are innocent. But somebody has to bear the brunt of the hurting, so we take it on instead. That's why abuse survivors are notoriously guilt ridden. In order to make sense of this senseless guilt, they screw up sub-consciously or consciously to prove they are "bad," "wrong," "guilty."

At least this was the case with me.

Do you feel you do any of that?

btw, my name is Cindy. Welcome again to the forum.

[pam]

If I understood Freud right, you are referring to his "repetition compulsion." Unconsciously trying to resolve the past trauma with a better ending with a similar trauma in the present.

That would lead to corrective experiences, which I personally have found work---but only to an extent. It doesn't seem possible to fix the damage of the past--you can superficially learn new things, but not completely unlearn the damaging stuff.

I recently came across another theory that says, and I think this is the real answer, that we have to FULLY FEEL the pain from the original trauma(s). We didn't actually feel all of it at the time--some of it got repressed and that's what the theory believes--It's the fact that the feelings are unexpressed that is the problem, not the feelings themselves. Therefore the release of the feelings is the cure (according to Janov).

I personally have found that general idea to be true also. I express feelings from my early childhood in inner child work, and I don't have to do anything else like reparent, or force myself to think differently, nothing like that. And I find just the letting it out has been a huge relief. I have naturally grown more as I continue to do this. It's not just cathartic, it is one of the only things that has made me actually progress and improve! (But by expressing I don't mean just "talking about" your feelings. It means really feeling them, like reliving it, but integrating it with yourself now too.)

[Misssy]

I personally have found work---but only to an extent. It doesn't seem possible to fix the damage of the past--you can superficially learn new things, but not completely unlearn the damaging stuff.

Yep this seems to be the case, I also haven't managed to get away from the damaging people.

[WintersTale]

I sometimes wonder if I am a victim, or if I just portray myself as such.

If I am not a victim, maybe I don't have to act like one?

[compulsive]

Self-fulfilling prophecy being the phenomenon of consciously or sub-consciously recreating past traumatic events or circumstances as an attempt by the mind to somehow either create a situation it's familiar with (even if it's bad, it's predictable and therefore slightly less scary) or as a way to reenact the "scene" and try to alter it's ending, but you never really can because really you're trying, in the here and now, to change the past, which cannot be done.

anyone relate with this type of pattern?

Kind of, related thing. OCD and anxiety disorders. I always want to go back in time and undo my mistakes. I get these images all the time of what I have ruined and I keep checking and replaying in my mind , trying to redo it over and over. What if I did this? Or even I check whether it will be ok and whether I will need to kill myself if it doesnt.

I got this because im hypersensitive and people used to use me or mock me or laugh or say horrible things about me . I learned to cry all alone and keep feelings to myself because I didnt want to be laughed at or shouted at or be told stuff like "your dragging other people down" and other hypocritical things. So I began to anticipate what others would say and what would happen , so that when the time came, I would not cry or be vulnerable in front of others and have my feelings violated.

The reenact thing came because I felt powerless. I was afraid of other people by then. I could not say the things I wanted to them, so I began to daydream and reenact and pretend that I said bad things back to them, that I stood up for myself. Because I didnt want to be the victim. I wanted to pretend that It was a fair fight, not a one sided thing.

I don't know what happened to you, but: If someone wants to be a bad person on purpose, nothing will stop them. If you had fought fire with fire, they still would not have changed. It would be further ammunition to justify their own actions. Either way they are just going to think things like "well I was a bad person back then. Ive changed for the better , Im a good person now, so Stop complaining about the past".

The best thing you can do is to stop trying to be optimistic (with anything related to your ocd, anything else is ok) , stop wanting for everything to just "be ok" . It doesnt happen. When you have this type of OCD, it will never turn out fine, because if it does, then you find another thing to be depressed over. It doesn't stop. Being positive will destroy you. Because it feeds the OCD. It needs you to think "oh but maybe if.." so it can then drag you back down. If you were so certain of the negative outcome, you would not check over and over! Ignoring it is the best solution, but very difficult to do.

[WintersTale]

What is ridiculous is that people mistreat me, even after I point it out.

[Ironman]

I see you're new. Welcome to the forum!

I used to continue to find abusive relationships or co-dependent relationships where I would engage in victim/rescuer/perpetrator triangles. Because I was giving off the signal that I was a victim, bullies and perpetrators and rescuers would flock to me. Since I was getting involved in the same type of people and engaging in the same types of behavior, the same thing of abuse, abandonment, conflict, etc was happening.

I also kept cutting, finding ways to sabotage myself, and as you say re-creating the situation. I did that because I felt I was guilty and deserved to be punished. Often an abuse survivor takes on the perpetrator's guilt because he or she has to bond. Abuse survivor's learn quickly to feel guilty even when they are not, so they can keep the perpetrator innocent. Our minds just tell us it's easier to love them if they are innocent. But somebody has to bear the brunt of the hurting, so we take it on instead. That's why abuse survivors are notoriously guilt ridden. In order to make sense of this senseless guilt, they screw up sub-consciously or consciously to prove they are "bad," "wrong," "guilty."

At least this was the case with me.

Do you feel you do any of that?

btw, my name is Cindy. Welcome again to the forum.

OMG yes!