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Thread: Advice Please

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    whiteman's Avatar
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    Advice Please

    Basically, I've become a bitter/angry person. I would like anyone to contribute anything they can about bitterness and anger, including what your religion says about bitterness/anger.
    My religion doesn't say anything about bitterness and I guess anger is a good thing, but I've noticed these emotions can be destructive. For example, I've gone through a particularly angry/bitter period the last couple weeks and I've gained ten of the twenty pounds I lost this winter. Moreover, I've had insomnia, and I've started taking more sleeping pills and other drugs.
    It's almost like I get high on these emotions then I have withdrawls.

    The only wisdom I can contribute to this discussion is researchers have found the more you give in to anger the more likely you will give in to anger again. This is contradictory to the popular belief that once you give in to anger, the less likely you'll give in to anger again because you've gotten it out of your system. Therefore, if you want to control your anger in the future, it's a good idea to control your anger in the present.


    What does your religion say about anger/bitterness? From what little I know about christianity from watching joel osteen anger and bitterness are bad.


    I do know that people generally don't want to be around bitter people, therefore you won't succeed in areas of life like business, romantically, and freindships in general.


    It's crazy how little I know about anger/bitterness given how much it affects my life.


    Anyways...any contributions or advice is welcome!
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    I don't know if you want to hear from me, but I'll offer what I learned about my own anger. I used to be angry all the time. I was defensive, bitter, and was always looking for a fight.

    The things I learned was that my anger was a defense for many things. I felt out of control, victimized and hurt deeply. But rather than feel the pain of that, I would rev up my anger which was an easier emotion than hurt. It gave me power which helped my feelings of helplessness and lack of control. I also was able to hang on to my victim role because when I got angry, people pushed back at me. I kept getting hurt again and therefore it reinforced my role as everybody's victim.

    Once I understood how I used anger, I learned that when I am nice to others, they are nice to me. It took all my will power to be nice to people, but I was surprised to see that they couldn't be angry with someone who smiled at them. They needed to be kind to me because I was kind to them.

    Then I got all the bullies out of my life. I learned what co-dependent triangles were and saw how I instigated the victim/rescuer/perpetrator role. I learned to spot it and avoid it.

    The greatest thing I did for myself though that finally broke my anger cycle was going to Celebrate Recovery which was a 12 step program. My therapist saw me struggling with anger and bitterness and found 3 Celebrate Recovery groups for me. She asked me to try it. I was terrified, but went anyway. It took me sitting in that group for almost 6 weeks before I finally spoke up. The group meets as one group, then separates into men's and women's groups. Larger groups (I think) can break up into addiction groups or co-dependent or abuse groups also. Anyway, after about 6 weeks, when they went around the room and everybody took a turn saying, "Hi I'm ________. I struggle with ____________," I finally spoke up. My words exactly? "Hi, my name is Cindy and I struggle with being in this room with all you holy people." It took me nearly a year to even open up to them. It was this group who taught me to hug and to share and to finally allow myself to see who I truly was.

    The biggest thing that I learned though, was to make amends for everything I ever did to others. I was surprised that although I was victimized in my life, I had actually hurt a great deal of people in return. So I went to each one (if it was safe) and told them I was sorry. I didn't just tell them. I was sorry in my heart.

    The hardest step in my recovery was then accepting that those who hurt me probably weren't going to apologize. Since Celebrate Recovery is a 12 step program with God as the center of the recovery, I had to believe that God had a handle on my perpetrators punishment and that I didn't need to continue to punish them. So I let it go.

    That letting go of the guilt, shame and bitterness, freed me from a lot of anger.

    Do I still get angry? Yes. But I get angry when someone does something to me in the present. I no longer have this angry persona and I don't feel like I have to keep it around so much.

    Anyway, here's a link for Celebrate Recovery if you're interested. In my group, there were men and women who dealt with addictions, co-dependency, abuse, religious family guilt, etc.

    This link will help you locate a group near you http://www.celebraterecovery.com/~celebra9/
    Just hit CR groups.

    This one has the twelve steps http://www.celebraterecoverygabc.com/12-Steps.html



    Hope it helps,

    Cindy
    The Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about

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    kc1895's Avatar KFC Hipster
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    Thanks for sharing that Cindy. Very insightful and good advice. I'd also like to point out how people like to hang on to their roles as victims for so long because they've been so accustomed to living that way. I can relate to behaving negatively by pushing people away and not wanting to interact with them because I've been hurt so many times in the past. But in that way, I've reinforced being socially anxious even though I want to have friendships. Anger is also self-reinforcing and angry people are always looking for something to be upset about, as Eckhart Tolle would say.

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    whiteman's Avatar
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    Thanks.
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    I think I carry or bury a lot of anger. I know I don't even want to interact with people too much because i don't fit in and never have. I'm really sorry about it sometimes but a person may do one thing and I just drop them like it doesn't matter, long before they can drop me and the sad thing is the older I get the less I care and actually crave solitude. Also sometimes some people are so irritating. I know I'm just going off because I've had a bad day.

    There is this really I believe slow witted woman I work with. She has a habit of whenever she finishes something saying a self congratulatory "There." Her voice is kind of like lumpy space princess on "Adventure Time." Normally , I kind of tolerate her better but today every stupid thing she said was annoying me. I avoided her as much as possible today because of this.Then I get mad at myself because she is a nice person, always pleasant, and always talks to me just kind of not smart.

    Also, today when bosses the bosses did the walk through I decided that I didn't want to talk or be fakey pleasant to anyone so I hid from them. I hightailed it around three aisles and stayed there doing nothing until they left the area. I kind of know they could see me and I could see them sort of looking my way waiting for me to head back to the cart I was working on. They probably pulled the tape later and watched me avoiding them.

    I hate people...and I suppose that is bitter and or angry and now I know that I'm a wee bit depressed hopefully sleep will help.

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    Hey, whiteman. I just wanted to mention something.

    It's really tough to make a post like you made up there. How often do you hear people admit they struggle with something so personal and then ask for help. I think you were very brave and I respect your courage.

    Just wanted to tell you that.

    So thank you for showing us some true bravery.



    Cindy
    The Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about

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    Quote merc View Post
    I think I carry or bury a lot of anger. I know I don't even want to interact with people too much because i don't fit in and never have. I'm really sorry about it sometimes but a person may do one thing and I just drop them like it doesn't matter, long before they can drop me and the sad thing is the older I get the less I care and actually crave solitude. Also sometimes some people are so irritating. I know I'm just going off because I've had a bad day.

    There is this really I believe slow witted woman I work with. She has a habit of whenever she finishes something saying a self congratulatory "There." Her voice is kind of like lumpy space princess on "Adventure Time." Normally , I kind of tolerate her better but today every stupid thing she said was annoying me. I avoided her as much as possible today because of this.Then I get mad at myself because she is a nice person, always pleasant, and always talks to me just kind of not smart.

    Also, today when bosses the bosses did the walk through I decided that I didn't want to talk or be fakey pleasant to anyone so I hid from them. I hightailed it around three aisles and stayed there doing nothing until they left the area. I kind of know they could see me and I could see them sort of looking my way waiting for me to head back to the cart I was working on. They probably pulled the tape later and watched me avoiding them.

    I hate people...and I suppose that is bitter and or angry and now I know that I'm a wee bit depressed hopefully sleep will help.
    Hope you get some sleep.
    The Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about

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    Quote merc View Post
    ...Also, today when bosses the bosses did the walk through I decided that I didn't want to talk or be fakey pleasant to anyone so I hid from them. I hightailed it around three aisles and stayed there doing nothing until they left the area. I kind of know they could see me and I could see them sort of looking my way waiting for me to head back to the cart I was working on. They probably pulled the tape later and watched me avoiding them...
    Were you peeking through the shelves to see them or were you just standing at a distance while they waited?

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    Quote chantellabella View Post
    Hey, whiteman. I just wanted to mention something.

    It's really tough to make a post like you made up there. How often do you hear people admit they struggle with something so personal and then ask for help. I think you were very brave and I respect your courage.

    Just wanted to tell you that.

    So thank you for showing us some true bravery.



    Cindy
    Thanks Cindy
    I don't get a signature.

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    Well, I grabbed some scarves and moved quickly to that aisle, hung them up and stood there until they left. I was three aisles away and I could see where they were through the display units. I know other people dodge the bosses since they've complained about it. Basically you see them group or individual and take a side aisle around them. With the previous management we were ignored on morning walk through and current manger prides himself on giving all his workers a friendly greeting and seems to like when his group of mangers greet us likewise and its so strange to those of us who went through the being pleasantly ignored years.

    I don't find it all that friendly and sometimes find it hard to turn on the fake, Good morning great to see you smile that gets you passed by rather quickly. Here's my friend Dianna's tip for big social gatherings where you meet people who friendly greet you, but aren't friends smile and nod, smile and nod.

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