Today was a bad day, I overslept so I barely made it to work on time. I didn't have time for a shower. I knew that because of this there was increased likely-hood of seeing the managerial types. I avoided the first round of them by hiding in the men's department. However, when I went to dump my stuff there was a stray manger talking to my direct supervisor. They were in deep conversation so I ignored them.
Later, I had to go where they all the managers were standing. I really didn't want to. So, All the self talk don't be scared they're only people, they really don't care one way or the other about you started in my head and I got mad at myself. OK you big doofus speak so I did I said "Good Morning" They all just started at me silently and then one finally said Good Morning, and I spun around and fled back to my cart of stuff and I could here them all snickering at me.
Later I saw this person I used to talk to. I walked right past him without either of us saying a word. I really want to apologize and I still haven't done it. Since I had some sort of panic attack in front of him, I haven't been able to speak to him at all. I got really mad at myself and wanted to go talk to him. Then I got hesitant he really hates you. It's better to just leave it alone and get over it.
I'm thinking I'm dammed if I do and I'm dammed if I don't speak. People just hate me. But really I just hate people I don't fit in never have and most likely never will. Anyway does self hate and anger propel any of you into forcing you to do something that helps you overcome anxiety temporarily?
It kind of works for me but in the end maybe isn't the best for my self esteem.
Yesterday, right after I wrote that, a friend called and we took our children to the lake. I had a good time. I got sunburned but not having to do lots of laundry clean and deal with the I'm bored summer fun for Moms everywhere.
I got a good nights sleep went to work. I got co-workers different perspectives on some of the work events of yesterday. Of course she thought I was crazy, but in a good natured way.