i feel like things are more difficult for me now, as i get older. people are mean when they get older and once they see that you're an adult, they don't even try to be nice to you, the way they were when you were a kid. they throw all kinds of insults and yell at you if you do something they don't like (sometimes because they're selfish).

i just feel like it's stressful to even deal with people everyday unless i know for sure that they're nice to me. if i don't know them very well, i just keep hoping they'll be nice, but they rarely are at least when we first meet. i can usually tell what they think of me based on how they treat me and how they talk to me, and it usually sets the tone for our relationship if we have one. then every time after that, i can't help but remember how it was when we first met, which means it's just stressful to have to see them again, because i already know we're not gonna get along very well.

the only way i know how to deal with this for now is to avoid them as much as possible, because i'm not in the position to supervise them or tell them what to do since they're the ones working and i'm just working under their supervision. i can tell they don't even care about making a good impression on me and they just want to do whatever they want without thinking about how others would feel about their tone of voice. every now and then i want to talk back so much and let them know how much their behavior bothers me, but i just hate that i can't, because i need to make a good impression on them so that i can get hired later on or have them tell their "friends" about me so that i'll have a better chance to get a job i want somewhere else. i'm sure that it won't really matter if i try to make a good impression on them, because it will all come down to whether they like me or not. even if i would be a good employee, if they let their personal feelings get in the way and decide that they don't like me (without knowing me that well), then i won't be able to have a "good word in" to any place where i would want to work. But, if i talked back to them because they messed up, they would only see that as me having an attitude or not being appropriate, and they would go around telling people they know about how i would be a terrible employee, and people would just use that to not hire me.

this is so frustrating, because i hate having to put on a fake smile everyday and pretend to be happy with whereever i can work and whoever is around when i can work. i've already done this enough at school where everyone seems to like me enough so far to get along with them and talk to them about anything while making everyone think that i'm generally happy, when i actually have a lot of problems and complaints. i try to keep people happy because i feel like i need every help i can get when it comes to looking for a good job and trying to meet the right people who will influence my chances of getting hired. i can't wait for the chance to turn down everyone who was ever mean to me or treated me like dirt, but it will take me a while to be in a position like that.

most people say to let things go and to forgive and forget, but i just can't do that with people. i'm not ready to basically tell people "it's ok that you treated me like crap in the past, because it's been long enough since then and we're ok now." if they knew that they could get away with treating someone like dirt as long as enough time passes until they have to ask for favors, then they would do it continuously without a care in the world about how they treat others.

i've had one guy from middle school try to add me on facebook and after i turned him down the first time, he sent me a private message telling me he was sorry (but didn't go into anything specific) and that he wanted to be friend. he said he would try again with the friend request, but that he would try again just once. i ignored him the second time and he hasn't contacted me since then. i doubt he learned anything from it, but it's nice not having hiim bother me with friend requests or messages on facebook, or trying to use a friend's account to contact me (and trust me, there are some people out there crazy enough to do so).

speaking of facebook, i know too many people at school who are way too good at creeping on people on facebook. you may think i'm exaggerating, but i've known these people for 3 years and i know what they are capable of doing. if i posted anything on facebook and made it visible to even 1 person in class, the entire school would find out sooner or later. so i blocked people i don't trust and even then i keep the rest of the classmates on a specific friend list so that i have the option to hide posts and pictures from them if i choose to do so. if i ever shared my relationship status on facebook, they would go around telling people because gossiping is just that bad. not because they're happy for me or anything, but because they just love to talk when they're with another classmate.

i hate that people are so obsessed with gossip today and they talk about things that don't even affect their lives and even about things they shouldn't say. for example, if one girl in class looked like she could be pregnant (but she was just gaining a little bit of weight), people would go around saying that they thought she was pregnant and try to start guessing who the father of the baby was. they would make all kinds of assumptions and basically stalk her in public to find out if she walks around with any guy so that they could talk about their guesses on who the "baby daddy" was. none of them would say anything about being happy for her if she is pregnant, but probably keep passing judgment on her for being pregnant when she wasn't married. she could be married, but people wouldn't know because they never ask and they never try to find out before gossiping about crap like this.

so, if i ever got someone pregnant, i would have to leave the state with the girl so that she can avoid "strangers" following her around in public, staring at her, or randomly asking her questions (including ones about how she knew me). it would actually get so bad to the point where we had no privacy, and we would end up having to move so that we can have some alone time and keep our personal lives private. if i were dating someone or got married, then people would be all about stalking my facebook to find out who the girl was just so they could talk about it. not because they would be happy for me or anything, but so that they could find out what the girl looked like and just keep judging me and the girl for the fact that we were together. they would probably say "she can do so much better" or they might think i'm desperate if the girl didn't look very attractive. even if they saw me in public and they knew, they wouldn't ever say they were happy for me, but just tell me that they heard i was with so-and-so.

this is one of the reasons i really want to leave my state after i graduate and just never come back except to see my immediate family. it's a good thing that most people at school don't know about my parents and siblings, because if they did, i don't know how i would feel about them just randomly talking to my parents and telling them whatever they wanted about me to get my parents to think whatever they wanted to think. my parents would usually not believe them over me, but it would be annoying to have people say that about your family members.

Feel free to read all or none of what I have said so far. I'm just putting it out there in case anyone cares. I've had too many instances where people have asked me how things were going for me or what was on my mind. But it's too bad that I didn't assume they wanted me to say "pretty good" or "I'm doing ok" and nothing else. Because of that, I've been feeling ignored and neglected lately since I've felt like no one is willing to pay attention to what I have going on. Everytime something happens because of it or when they find out, they're disappointed that I didn't say anything. It's not fair that I have to continuously mention it to people who are just not willing to listen or don't have time to give me the attention I need so that I can get these points across.

I'm not ready to give up my privacy just because "that's life" and "people are gonna find out anyway." If I knew enough people who didn't make a big deal out of who was married and who had kids, I'd be fine with it. But because of how people at my school have been, I just feel like I don't know enough people who are not like the way they are to know most people out there won't really gossip or make a big deal of how your significant other looks or what your kids do.