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  1. #1
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    Too scared to really have access to medications and my parents want me to

    So as some of you may know, I ended up in ER after taking an overdose of the meds I had on me at the time-Propranolol and antibiotics. It also wasn't the first time this happened, and between August and January this year, I was overdosing on a regular basis (Not suicide attempts). So naturally, I haven't had access to my medications for a few months now, and my parents have been giving them to me when I need them.

    And now they want me to have control of them again.

    My mood has overall somewhat improved since May, but there are still these momments when I get so down that I do contemplate suicide. Mostly throwing myself in front of a car or something since I don't have access to medications, but to be honest, they scare me. I don't want things to go back to the way they are. I've told them this. But they are seeing the fact that the doctor let me take out a Zopiclone prescription on Friday as proof that she trusts me with medication, and therefore, I should be able to handle them. The problem being that every time I have done something stupid with them...It has been on an impulse. When I knew where they were last year when this was happening, I'd take some and sneak them away from the rest, and noone knew I'd done that.

    So I don't know what to do. Currently, I do not feel safe having access or "control" over my medications.

    Or maybe I'm just worrying to much.
    I'M GONNA FIGHT 'EM ALL
    A SEVEN NATION ARMY COULDN'T HOLD ME BACK.......


  2. #2
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    I know I had a tendency to take too much Xanax when I had them. They just meant to me - calm. I've since learned to calm myself in other ways and so don't take them anymore.

    For awhile, my pdoc didn't want to give me any Xanax because that's what I tried to OD on. At the time, I needed the outside control.

    Somewhere along the way, I realized that all OD'ing on a medicine did is give me a horrendous headache and a lot of problems. More problems than before I took too many.

    Maybe your parents feel they don't want to be responsible for protecting you anymore. As an adult, I had to take some responsibility for my own life. That responsibility made me see that if I did something stupid, it would be nobody else's fault but my own. I didn't want to leave this world as the person who hurt my children and grandchildren. I've been on the receiving end of someone who killed themselves and well, it ain't too fun.

    Suicide doesn't give you any other effect but death. I now see it as the coward's way out. It never hurts the people who hurt you. It hurts the innocent people around you who spend their days wondering how they could have stopped you from killing yourself. In fact, suicide gives your perpetrators joy because you have now shown them that "you're the crazy/wrong one afterall and they were right in hurting you."

    If you feel so out of control and unsafe, then maybe set up a system with your doctor rather than your parents. Ask to have only 5 pills filled at a time. But asking anyone to control your medicine, puts them in the responsibility seat.

    I just see that when you don't take the responsibility, you are saying to yourself, "I am weak and flawed. I am not an adult. I am not in control." Can you see where saying that to yourself would lend itself to "losing control?" If you are put in charge of your meds, then you have to take the responsibility to be smart with your meds. Being smart with your meds says you are in control. When you act in control, you may feel in control.

    This is why the docs and nurses in a hospital chew your [BEEP] out when you OD. They never feel sorry for you. It's because they want you to be an adult, act responsibly, and get your [BEEP] together. If they coddle you when you OD, then they are telling you that you are weak and they can fully see why you wanted to die.

    Am I making any sense?
    The Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about

  3. #3
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    Maybe you can talk to your doctor about it? About the part of you feeling that you do not want to be in control of regulating the doses which are available to you. How did the over medicating occur?

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