Recovery is Not High School

[Chantellabella]

Peeps,


Recovery is called "recovery" and not "recovered" for a reason. It's a process and a learning experience.

That's why addicts say they are in recovery and not "cured" or "recovered."

When you say "cured," "recovered" and "have it/ do it no more" that does two things to your head.

1) It doesn't give you room for set backs. If you believe you are cured and get triggered about something years down the road, you beat yourself up as a failure
2) It gives you the mindset of arrogance. You look upon people who have not "graduated" and you believe you are superior.

When you graduate High School, they give you a diploma. It doesn't mean you stop learning at that point. It just means you succeeded in following all the steps needed to get out of school.

Does it mean you know everything? Hell no. It just means that you have a basic knowledge to get a job, accomplish life skills, and maybe go to college to learn more.

But even if you forget everything you were taught, you have no need to go back and learn it again because you have a piece of paper that says you're "done." This piece of paper gives you the right to say you have accomplished, while others still in High School have not.

Does it give you the right to pander, ridicule or judge the people still in High School? No. All that does is make those still learning feel like [BEEP] because they have not accomplished what you have at that point. Even posting a "pep talk" to them is judgmental and sounds like a patronizing person talking to a bunch of slow learners. What may be be construed as "inspiration" by the graduate, is and can be viewed as "look at me, I graduated and you have not. Haha!"

Recovery is different. When a person completes any 12 step program, they know that the last step is about helping others learn what you have. In other words, they can become sponsors of this world.

Celebrate Recovery's 12th step:

Having had a spiritual experience as the result of these steps, we pledged to carry this message to others, and practice these principles in all our affairs.

AA's 12th step:

"Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs."

NA's 12th step:

Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.


What are the key words? Spiritual awakening, carry this message, practice these principles in all our affairs.


Now what is step 10?

We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.




So nowhere in recovery does it say we are cured and that we can now go back and laud over our accomplishment to the ones on a different step of recovery. All that does is set you up for failure and make others feel bad.


I am recovering from SA. So are others here. We are all on different steps.


In some ways I am on step 12 in that I support others who are struggling with something. I have the experience to support and maybe even help. I made a commitment to stay here for awhile to both give and get support. My helping nature lends me that motivation to support others. I am "carrying the message," (12th step) to others. Some on this forum have helped and then moved on to allow others to be helpers.

Are those who have stayed to carry the message "failures?" Hardly. Should AA leaders, who are recovering alcoholics be looked down upon because they are still going to the meetings? No. Not at all.


There are days when I have setbacks and have to go back to an earlier step. I recently had a panic attack and haven't had one in years. It was an unknown trigger which is the usual causes of setbacks. Was I back in High School? No. Did I deserve those who had achieved a higher steps judgment and gloating? No. I am human.


Those who think they are "recovered" rather than "in recovery" are the most prone to misery and failure. They see the world in black and white rather than in a gray area. Therefore if a trigger comes up later in life, they see themselves as "failed" rather than "hey, I had a minor setback but I'm still much farther along than I was."


So I'm asking you guys on this forum to look at this and let me know how you feel?

When you believe you are ready to move on, then do so because it means that you are around the 12th step of recovery. Give yourself the opportunity to make mistakes. Many of our friends here have done just that. They have moved on with their lives. Can they come back if they have a setback? Sure. Does it mean they failed if they came back to work on one or two unresolved issues? No.

But please understand that coming back with an arrogant "I am cured, I am better than you" attitude is just one big no win situation for everyone involved.

Belonging to any recovery program such as AA, Celebrate Recovery, NA or even here, does not equate to failure. It also does not define your level of recovery. This is not High School. You have not graduated. You have merely moved to another phase in your life.

Moving to another phase also does not give you the right to gloat. All gloating does is hurt you and others.

We are all learning, growing and bettering our lives.

So please remember that, ok?

[Otherside]

Well said, Chantty.

I don't truly think there is a cured for us anyway. And I have to admit, that attitude would piss me off. And probably wouldn't help a load of people. And at the same time the "THERES NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU DONT EVER POST ON AN ANXIETY SUPPORT FORUM" doesn't help those who are higher up on the recovery ladder, or whatever it's called...I don't know, I've never really seen one.

I'm guilty of the whole setback thing. One setback, and everything is instantly terrible again, things are instantly bad. Wouldn't say I'm step 12 either. Actually, a lot of us are probably guilty of that.

Besides, everyone else on this site is way too sane. And this place would not be the same without you and Sagan having another competition.

[Chantellabella]

Sadly I recently encountered this from someone on a forum who I thought knew better than to be arrogant. That proves my setback statement though. Anyone who needs to put down others in order to feel superior is not "recovered" at all.

Now don't all of you get paranoid about this post. It's not about any of you.

As always with you young uns. I just saw it as a teachable moment.

And yes, Sagan and I will always have another star to light up.

Well, until he sees that his efforts are futile. I am the master of "win."

[Chantellabella]

Well said, Chantty.

I don't truly think there is a cured for us anyway.

Since behavior is not a physical thing such as a tumor, there is no such thing as "cured." There are degrees................still doing it................not doing it as much................haven't done it in awhile.....................only did it once in the last 3 years....................only once in the last 5 years.............

See the difference?

And I have to admit, that attitude would piss me off. And probably wouldn't help a load of people.

Yes, equating any recovery program with a weakness is a fallacy. It's actually the stronger people who admit they were powerless to do it alone and those are the ones sitting in the groups.

And at the same time the "THERES NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU DONT EVER POST ON AN ANXIETY SUPPORT FORUM" doesn't help those who are higher up on the recovery ladder, or whatever it's called...I don't know, I've never really seen one.

I'm guilty of the whole setback thing. One setback, and everything is instantly terrible again, things are instantly bad. Wouldn't say I'm step 12 either. Actually, a lot of us are probably guilty of that.

We all have setbacks and will continue to have setbacks until we die. It's called being human.

Besides, everyone else on this site is way too sane. And this place would not be the same without you and Sagan having another competition.

And yes, I would say imo that this forum is the sanest one I've been on also.

[Otherside]

Sadly I recently encountered this from someone who I thought knew better than to be arrogant. That proves my setback statement though. Anyone who needs to put down others in order to feel superior is not "recovered" at all.

Now don't all of you get paranoid about this post. If you're wondering if it's about you, then it's not about you. The person who knows he/she was the trigger was actually pm'd the thread.

As always with you young uns. I just saw it as a teachable moment.

And yes, Sagan and I will always have another star to light up.

Well, until he sees that his efforts are futile. I am the master of "win."

Sadly, I didn't think it was about me. I'm nowhere near "recovered" and there isn't really that much to be arrogant about in sitting at having to take a year out due to mental illness.

Unfortuantley, I think I have a vague idea what's going on here. Is everything allright?

(Since I know and talk to the other person who I think this was aimed at, I'm not taking sides.)

[Chantellabella]

Sadly, I didn't think it was about me. I'm nowhere near "recovered" and there isn't really that much to be arrogant about in sitting at having to take a year out due to mental illness.

Unfortuantley, I think I have a vague idea what's going on here. Is everything allright?

(Since I know and talk to the other person who I think this was aimed at, I'm not taking sides.)

Sweetie. There's no sides to take. I am just making a point about the difference of "recovered" and "recovering" so there's nothing to get between.

So you're safe. No guessing, ok? It's over and done.

I do want to tell you something though. If ever anyone tries to make you "take sides" run screaming. My boss does that. It's called "divide and conquer." When friends have a disagreement, sometimes it's easy to take sides. But the best thing to do is not take any sides. Because when you do, and the friends make up, well they both remember that you took sides against them. Just be friends with both and let them work it out themselves. And if they don't work it out, then you don't lose any friends at all. You still have two. My ex made my children choose a side and that backfired on him.

As I said before, I posted this as a teachable moment. When I first started recovery in a few areas of my life, I did the same arrogant thing. I got burned and it really hurt the day I realized that my judgment of others was unfair and hurtful. I'm just trying to share my experience. I'm not out inciting a war with sides.

[Chantellabella]

Unfortuantley, I think I have a vague idea what's going on here. Is everything allright?

(Since I know and talk to the other person who I think this was aimed at, I'm not taking sides.)

Don't worry about who it is. That's not my point. I should not have made it sound like it was someone here.

[Sagan]

Is this about my quitting drinking? (Self conscious I know) I'm at 4 weeks now and recovering.

[Chantellabella]

Is this about my quitting drinking? (Self conscious I know) I'm at 4 weeks now and recovering.

Nope.


I have done this arrogance thing in the past and this morning, I realized that it was probably something I needed to say about recovery vs recovered. I have gone on websites in my time and just told people that I have recovered and then proceeded to tell them things like "you can do it too," or "I don't need this place because I don't have that anymore."

I did not make many friends that way and I had one admin let me in on what I was doing wrong. This was on a DID forum. The admin told me the very thing that I posted up above. She explained to me how that kind of talk comes across to people who are on the forum. She also made me realize that it wasn't whether I was on a forum or not that was the problem. It was that I was confusing recovered with recovering. I used the example of AA, NA and CR because that's the only places that I know use the 12 step system.

So nope. On the contrary, I think it's amazingly brave for anyone to face any hurt, habit or hangup. I'm very proud of you, Sagan and know you are working through it.

[Chantellabella]

Guys. Please stop guessing. It's just a forum in general thing. I apologize for making it sound like it's any of you. Please forgive me for the confusion. It's a general forum thing that I've seen in the past and I wanted to point out that I was told what I was doing. So I wanted to impart that on people here "in case" it happens.

[Sagan]

I am sorry. I should have not ASSumed things. I apologize.

[Chantellabella]

I am sorry. I should have not ASSumed things. I apologize.

And I'm sorry that it came across that way. I truly am trying to help others see that it's not a helpful thing to do. All it did was hurt and alienate others on that DID board where I came across as "I'm cured and I don't need this place." I used the 12 step program (and I was mainly talking about Celebrate Recovery) because we talked about this subject a lot. We never said "recovered." It was just "recovering." And we will be recovering for the rest of our lives.

Heck, people will be recovering from humanity problems until the day they die.

[funnyyface]

I hate when people come on mental health forums and tell people they don't have what the forum is for and how easy they have it in life. I've seen several people join forums because of that sole reason. It is almost like mocking and belittling.