It's been months since the incident when I ended up in hospital. It's been months since I ended up having that argument that led to that. You'd have thought my head would leave me alone about it and I'd stop going on about it.
But no. One sentence that got to me that she said that won't leave me alone. "You don't care about other people."
And it hurts. It really really cut deep. Perhaps that was what pushed me over the edge that day, I don't know. I'll never exactly know what my reasoning was behind overdosing that day. People asked me and still do ask me why I did it and If I'm being honest...I really don't know.
I can't get those words out of my head though. Is that really what people think of me? That I don't give a [BEEP] about them?
She had problems too. I know that. I was apparently supposed to ask her if she was okay and what was up with her, despite the fact that she'd made it clear that she wasn't going to talk about them.
And I was also supposed to act the part of the caring friend despite the fact that when I needed a godamn "caring friend"...when I told her that I'd been diagosed bipolar. OD'ing...what does she do? She godamn refuses to talk to me and she completley ignores me. And her reasoning is that she wasn't ignoring me, I apparently wasn't being very nice to her. Which is bull. She never mentioned anything about me not being nice to. Except when she told me that she was going to inform someone about my overdoses, and I was supposed to apparently act happy about the fact that I will end up hospitalized due to that. Which is beyond me. Why would I be "happy" that I was being put in hospital? They're not pleasant places. I was in outpatient today. That's bad enough. I saw a woman try to break out. Or I think she did. I couldn't really see what happened. Just a whole load of CPN's trying to get a woman who was screaming "I don't want to be here!" back into the ward and an alarm going off.
It still gets to me though. What if I don't care about people. What if I really, god to honest, don't, and that's how people see me. Cold, uncaring...and that all I do is whine endlessly about my own problems whilst never considering anyone elses.
Honestly, I keep thinking that was unfair...but what if they were right?