Hi. I have no IRL friends and have often wished I had a place to just talk about stuff where people don't know who I actually am. I have a Facebook but I'm not OK with putting a lot of stuff on there for my mom, colleagues, high school English teacher, etc. to see. And therapy has never helped me at all.
At various times I've been diagnosed with depression, generalized anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder II, borderline personality disorder, agoraphobia and bulimia. I've been through more mental health professionals than you have fingers and toes to count them on and the list of psych meds I haven't been on is shorter than the list of ones I have. I probably didn't have most of those, as evidenced by being off meds and out of therapy for 8 years and relatively stable. I'm not anti-med or anything, they just didn't help me at all and the side effects probably made me feel worse. What I do struggle with are bouts of depression and anxiety caused by my life sucking. Depression and other mental illnesses exist, I'm not a denier. But being sad and freaked out because your life sucks isn't being mentally ill, it's being completely normal. But nevertheless, I cope with many of the symptoms of depression and anxiety and have to do so without medication because I've found it just doesn't work for me. And I have no support system at all, which really takes a toll.
I have a job I like, which is the one saving grace in my life. As I mentioned, I have no friends. I've never in my adult life had a boyfriend and spent over a decade not dating at all. I started again a few years ago, have no clue what I'm doing, don't understand how anybody forms functional relationships anymore when everyone is so cruel and dysfunctional, and can't talk about it with anybody because being a middle-aged woman who's never had a boyfriend is humiliating.
I'm recovering from binge eating disorder and am probably an alcoholic. If I'm not, I was pretty close to becoming one. I quit drinking four days ago because I promised I would do so if I got a job I was interviewing for. It's not official yet, but I've been told that the official offer is coming soon so I quit drinking that day to not tempt fate. Knowing my luck, it could still fall through. I've been trying to find a new position in my field for nearly 3 years and my inability to do so has been humiliating and deeply disheartening. I'm experienced, very flexible in where I was willing to move, and getting tons of interviews but no offers, which meant it was me personally they didn't want around. It's been a very distressing experience.
The reason I want a new position is because living in NYC is HORRIBLE. It's too crowded, it's too expensive, the taxes are too high and the housing is awful. I'm always cranky, always broke and my apartment is a pit. As you can imagine, this doesn't help my anxiety or low moods. If this job offer just really comes through, it will help a whole lot in the long run, but will involve a 1000 mile move, which I'm not looking forward to, but I still really hope I get the job.
Sorry to go on for so long. But as I said, I have no friends. The only other forums I belong to are fitness forums - you can't just talk about stuff stuff (like being so hurt that a man recently pretended like he really liked me, then just vanished into thin air). And the people there aren't sensitive or supporting at all - they're actually the total opposite.
Anyway, hi.
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