This is really personal and hard for me to talk about, so keep that in mind while reading... Thank you... Just any support at all would be helpful and highly appreciated. I'm kind of in crisis here.
So I finally heard back from a friend I haven't seen in a while. I thought I had a good enough relationship with this person to mention to him that I was feeling really depressed recently and that I'd self-injured which I hadn't done in a long time. I just wanted someone to vent to, I guess. I mistakenly thought he was a real friend.
He got angry at me. Like, I'm talking LOST HIS FUCKING [BEEP] and BLEW UP AT ME. He called me immature and childish and a fucking idiot, and I swear to God I am fucking crying my eyes out right this very fucking second as I'm writing this.
I explained what my therapist told me, that no one should be angry at me about it, and that I had moved on from the incident and I've been doing much better with handling my depression. I said I knew it was stupid but that sometimes I just blame myself for [BEEP] that isn't my fault and I break down.
He was like, "This is why you have no friends, Keddy, and you're going to die a fucking virgin."
It hurt. It fucking HURT!
And it gets worse. Oh, it does.
He just kept going with it and was like "You're 20 fucking years old, Keddy. And you're still mentally twelve." Well, can I help it that I have some disabilities and disadvantages?! Not everyone is going to grow up to be perfect. I AM NOT FUCKING PERFECT NOR WILL I EVER EVER EVER BE FUCKING PERFECT.
Why would someone get angry at me for hurting myself?! Shouldn't they be a little bit concerned?! And for God's sakes, it was weeks ago! I would've never mentioned it if I knew this would be the aftermath! I HATE HAVING FRIENDS! THIS IS WHY I DON'T TRY! THEY ARE NOT REAL FRIENDS!
So I finally gave in and started to cry and said something like, "Well, at least I didn't try to kill myself this time. I'm grateful I didn't." Because I've done that before and he knows it. I've ended up in the hospital because of it. I was bullied to the point of two suicide attempts in high school.
So this is the worst part.
He said, "Well, trying doesn't hurt. Maybe you'll be more successful this time around. Third time's a charm." Or something equally horrible and cruel.
Are you FUCKING kidding me?! He SUGGESTED THAT I KILL MYSELF?!
I really thought I was past that point in my life and I know I'm stronger than that, but just hearing someone say that... It really makes me think about it.
I won't kill myself though because that's what he wants. That's always what the bullies wanted in high school. They were just waiting for me to drop dead so they could piss on my grave.
Yet I am shocked that anyone could possibly say something like that to me. Or even remotely LIKE the idea of me being dead. It makes me fucking SICK!
I feel so ashamed and miserable right now. I am not going to take matters into my own hands at this point but I wouldn't mind suddenly having an aneurysm and dying in my sleep tonight. Or coming down with an incurable illness. Or having a bad accident and dying instantly.
That is all. Goodnight everyone. Sorry if I said anything stupid but I'm totally heartbroken right now. The thought of someone wanting me dead...?