...is its legacy. It's what I do with the information. I have panic disorder. I've had it for decades. So panic disorder in and of itself is not such a big deal. I've seen it a thousand times. It's my response to it that does me in....how I know that participating in anything that might potentially give me joy will require me to hang on for dear life and shut myself down. It's devastating and ultimately damaging. I think maybe I can't distinguish between the disorder and myself anymore. It's a combination of feeling the consequences of all the wasted years hiding and the deep understanding that everything I love in the world I won't ever be able to touch... Sucks.