I don't even know where to begin.
Last Friday kicked off a near-week long crisis (its still going...) of major threats to my case. As it stands today, there's about a 50-50 chance my lawyer will have to withdraw from my case due to lack of funds.
Of course, the other side - the guilty ones - are enjoying the never-ending deep pockets of the federal government to pay for their attorney. I doubt the government knows their funding is going towards defending these flotsam, but in my experience in dealing with them - they don't really care. Or they never have when other people on the peripheral have told them what is going on.
I don't have the first clue how to help my situation. My attorney is making some calls for help, but he didn't sound optimistic. I just can't believe this is where I find myself now. I just can't believe it. Everything I risked - everything that encompasses a life I risked, and more - to bring these people to justice, to make sure they never do this to another woman. And any day now, there's a good chance that all of our work will just be thrown out of court, and these people will go right back to doing the same. My efforts will be a distant memory, the wrongs done to me personally forgotten as soon as their lawyer closes the file.
I'm unable to find the resiliency within myself to let whatever happens, happen, and feel ok about it.
And in an ironic turn of events, the second woman connected to my case, lost her best friend Monday night to suicide. And a third woman who the harasser exposed himself to, lost her 11 yr old nephew to the river. Crews haven't found his body yet, and she's turned to me to help her fundraise for the funeral, coordinate meals to the family's home, and so forth. I had a massive migraine with nausea yesterday and the day before, and I was still on her social media getting the word out. How could I refuse her? After what she and I went thru together with the organization, and then to suffer this tragedy?
I feel saturated in loss, pain, and death right now. It's so overwhelming, I hardly believe it's real. Honestly, I don't know what to say to myself so that I can get up, put some fucking clothes on that aren't pajamas, brush my hair, and do something productive.