Cannot cope with how utterly bad things can go, so so quickly

[Nightingale]

I don't even know where to begin.

Last Friday kicked off a near-week long crisis (its still going...) of major threats to my case. As it stands today, there's about a 50-50 chance my lawyer will have to withdraw from my case due to lack of funds.

Of course, the other side - the guilty ones - are enjoying the never-ending deep pockets of the federal government to pay for their attorney. I doubt the government knows their funding is going towards defending these flotsam, but in my experience in dealing with them - they don't really care. Or they never have when other people on the peripheral have told them what is going on.

I don't have the first clue how to help my situation. My attorney is making some calls for help, but he didn't sound optimistic. I just can't believe this is where I find myself now. I just can't believe it. Everything I risked - everything that encompasses a life I risked, and more - to bring these people to justice, to make sure they never do this to another woman. And any day now, there's a good chance that all of our work will just be thrown out of court, and these people will go right back to doing the same. My efforts will be a distant memory, the wrongs done to me personally forgotten as soon as their lawyer closes the file.

I'm unable to find the resiliency within myself to let whatever happens, happen, and feel ok about it.

And in an ironic turn of events, the second woman connected to my case, lost her best friend Monday night to suicide. And a third woman who the harasser exposed himself to, lost her 11 yr old nephew to the river. Crews haven't found his body yet, and she's turned to me to help her fundraise for the funeral, coordinate meals to the family's home, and so forth. I had a massive migraine with nausea yesterday and the day before, and I was still on her social media getting the word out. How could I refuse her? After what she and I went thru together with the organization, and then to suffer this tragedy?


I feel saturated in loss, pain, and death right now. It's so overwhelming, I hardly believe it's real. Honestly, I don't know what to say to myself so that I can get up, put some fucking clothes on that aren't pajamas, brush my hair, and do something productive.

[merc]

At least you had the guts to stick your decision to do something. I'm just thinking of things that I've encountered. Once when I was a intern at a small town newspaper, there was this girl who wanted to be a sports reporter so she was assigned to one of the male reporters. He was a womanizing jerk. He dressed super nice, but still a jerk. Anyway I was assigned to a female reporter who mainly covered school board meetings along with another male intern. Well, the entertainment reporter, a man somewhere in his 50s would get on his phone with the male sports reporter and say the most lewd crude stuff about this super attractive female intern who wanted to be a sports reporter They would also pretend to be working but were mainly clowning around, making fun of everyone in the office including other female reporters.

I think they even made the male intern uncomfortable. Well, once I asked the girl how on earth could she put up with it. She told me you don't understand how badly I want to be a sports reporter. I was mainly ignored by them. They were only there during the day and I was second shift but, the schedules would overlap a bit. I think that my assigned reporter was respected by these bozos and one word from me and they would have had problems.

Once she did overhear some of their conversations and how they were buddy buddy with the male intern and told me. As a female you may be shut out of things so use what god gave you as a female to your advantage. Some of these councilmen, government officials may see their daughter and wife in you and you can obtain a different angle or perspective. The office was a zoo. After, I finished the internship, I was asked very pointed questions about the office environment by my advisor who was good friends with the editor. I was honest and I praised the reporter I was assigned to.

It was a terrible environment. However, It wasn't too different from the factory I worked in. I didn't expect that...

[IllusionOfHappiness]

I'm unable to find the resiliency within myself to let whatever happens, happen, and feel ok about it.

I'm sorry you're being forced to deal with so much heartache, Nightingale. I hear about cases like yours and fully understand why some people choose to take the law into their own hands. Sometimes it just lets you down. How are you supposed to accept justice not being served? For what it's worth, I hope things turn out alright for you. You've only been on this site for a short while but it's clear that you've been through a lot. Hang in there.

[Chantellabella]

If these are government employees, as was my case, don't be upset if you don't win. I was told to not even bother and no lawyer would take my case. Don't give up. But don't get your hopes up too high either. Bureaucracy sucks. Idiots are in charge.......that's why. I had to be content with the fact that at least I scared my employers enough that they rectified the unsafe things for the kids and made an attempt at protecting them. They knew they were in the wrong and so they hurried up to fix things. I have to be content with that.

I'm sorry about your friends. That's awful.

It's ok to grieve and get angry. I do it all the time.

[Nightingale]

Thanks for the kind words of support.

I'm realistic to understand there may come a point when I have to look in the mirror and say to myself, "I did everything in my power to change what is going on here. I did everything in my power to hold these men responsible, to recover my economic losses, to leave my town/city a better place than it was when I realized what was happening here. I did everything I possibly could, and it wasn't enough."

What hurts, and has continued to dig at me all weekend, is for the first time in my life that I can recall, a handful of attorneys have actually said to the other woman who is still trying to find someone to take her case up - "Your case is rock solid. You have a great case. But, unfortunately, it's not a multi-million dollar award."

Because I'm a woman, and these are professional men with their hands under every table in town making deals, my worth is absolute zero. As a human being, as a female. It's not enough these attorneys can win back their fees - no. They're capped by the state to a few thousand dollars' which of course, they have to share with the victim. Despite what happened, what continues to happen, my state says basically - "You're a woman. You'll live."

And, because I am feeling completely deplorable, I do not want to oversee this funeral reception for my friend's little nephew. She doesn't understand why I won't just come to the funeral and then set everything up while the family goes to the gravesite. I have lost a child. I don't attend child funerals under any circumstances - but I felt at the time well enough to at least offer a gesture. Now I wish I'd stayed out of the entire situation. All I've fucking done this week is donate money to children's funerals and sick children's medical expenses and faced the very real possibility that my entire purpose for the last couple of years has been for nothing.


I feel like 20 shades of hell and I just don't want to be involved or interact with the human race at all right now.