After several days of total despair and an inability to even function, I finally had a moment of clarity and realized I needed to talk to my therapist. Mostly to brainstorm some coping ideas, but also just to purge everything from my system. Thankfully, she was able to get me in for a two-hour session yesterday.

We went through everything that had transpired over the week and into the weekend, me having my usual physical anxiety symptoms. She kept challenging me on why I concluded the things I did - the overthinking issue I'm still struggling with - so we ended up delving deeper and deeper into the area of "me", rather than what was happening with the case.

Finally she just looked at me, (I can't remember what exactly she said word-for-word) and suggested, what if I just convinced myself internally that the case was over, without going into the hows or whys, and focused instead of what I would do now that my entire being wasn't defined by the legal system. Over and done. What would I do with my life, what would consume my time, if the case was out of it. If it was just me again. Just Night.

That was a pivotal moment for me, I have to admit. Until her suggestion, I was literally in knots trying to figure out how I was going to survive the next month while everything hangs in limbo. And further - how I would survive the very real possibility that I could be yet another casualty of the legal system. It happens all the time. Innocent people are victimized and never vindicated; guilty people go free and never take responsibility. It. Happens. All. The. Time. Despite the strength of evidence, despite everything. And it could very easily happen to me, at no fault of my own.

My anxiety cranked down drastically, and last night, while I didn't spend a lot of time mentally constructing this parallel reality, I just felt calmer. Because that question has plagued me in the past few years - what will I do when the case is over? What will be left of me? Will I remember I had hobbies? That I had dreams? Friends? Desires? Favorite colors, flowers, paintings, and places I wanted to visit, and future visions of how my family and I would live? College, marriages, grandchildren?

I think yesterday's session was one of the very few sessions I've had in allll my therapy when something actually clicked for me. I can't believe it was so simple I hadn't even thought of it myself, but whatever. I just know I feel ok this morning. I don't have an ambien-xanax hangover because I couldn't sleep last night, I don't feel sluggish and weighed down with depression...I just feel ok.

Has anyone had any experience doing something like what my therapist suggested? Did it work, and if so - how long? Also, how did you handle the inevitable intrusions of the thing you're attempting to ignore? For instance, I know I'll receive emails from my attorney and the other woman involved in the case about how things are going, and then finally, the decision to drop or go forward. So I know it's coming...I just don't know yet how to deal with it.

Any ideas?