Worried I'm too emotional to be a therapist

[QuietCalamity]

I start grad school on the 12th for counseling psychology, but recently I've been struggling at my current job (case management) with keeping my work a job, if that makes sense. I can't give too much away about the people I work with, but I have consumers who are struggling with abusive relationships, anxiety, and depression and I think I identify too much with them.

I have been working with one person in particular a lot for her healthcare needs. She opens up to me about her suicide ideation/attempts and asks for counseling. I jump through hoops to find free counseling for her. The day finally comes and she refuses to go. I cried. I told myself I was just frustrated because I had worked so hard to find this therapist. But then I confided in a co-worker and to my surprise started SOBBING. I realized I am terrified! I am totally attached to this woman and I want so bad to rescue her, and I didn't even have any idea I felt this way.

I was so embarrassed that I got so upset over it. I couldn't concentrate the whole rest of the day. If I can't handle that, how could I handle being the counselor???

I guess I'm wondering if anyone has experience dealing with these types of situations, through work, friends, family, whatever.

[Inscrutable Banana]

I have friends with whom I identify strongly enough to have a notable impact my mood when they're going through difficult emotions or life experiences and sometimes that even extends to people I barely know. It's especially disheartening when you realize that someone is clearly too locked in a certain mindset to enact the changes they need to and there isn't really much you can do about it—you can only remain steadfast in your efforts to offer whatever support you can and hope it helps nudge them toward the point where they eventually can. The people I choose to confide in probably feel that way about me a lot of the time as they watch me fail to make any significant progress with my problems.

I don't think that's anything to be embarrassed or ashamed of, and ultimately, it's probably a big reason why you've chosen to go down this career path in the first place and likely why people will feel more comfortable talking to you about their struggles than they would with others. Granted, it's not good to go to either extreme, but if it has to be one or the other I'd rather lean toward the side of being a little too personally invested than be someone who is incapable of feeling that level of sympathy or empathy and sees things purely from a detached, clinical standpoint. Personally, I think it's advantageous when people feel like they can identify with/relate to their counselor to an extent and get the impression they care rather than feeling like they're just talking to some robot with a degree.

On one hand, as a professional you obviously need to maintain a certain level of detachment from your clients so you can remain objective and not put yourself in a position where being unable to do so compromises your effectiveness as a counselor; on the other, I feel like if you can consistently strike that delicate balance between the two it makes you a more effective counselor than you would be otherwise. Having that caretaker/rescuer thing going may put you in a somewhat precarious position at times but it just means you have to work harder to keep a level head; I certainly don't think it should make you doubt your ability to perform your duties as a counselor—it's just something you have to be conscious of and actively manage in order to not lose perspective.

Just my 2¢, for whatever it's worth. You have my best wishes in pursuing your goals.

[Chantellabella]

I start grad school on the 12th for counseling psychology, but recently I've been struggling at my current job (case management) with keeping my work a job, if that makes sense. I can't give too much away about the people I work with, but I have consumers who are struggling with abusive relationships, anxiety, and depression and I think I identify too much with them.

I have been working with one person in particular a lot for her healthcare needs. She opens up to me about her suicide ideation/attempts and asks for counseling. I jump through hoops to find free counseling for her. The day finally comes and she refuses to go. I cried. I told myself I was just frustrated because I had worked so hard to find this therapist. But then I confided in a co-worker and to my surprise started SOBBING. I realized I am terrified! I am totally attached to this woman and I want so bad to rescue her, and I didn't even have any idea I felt this way.

I was so embarrassed that I got so upset over it. I couldn't concentrate the whole rest of the day. If I can't handle that, how could I handle being the counselor???

I guess I'm wondering if anyone has experience dealing with these types of situations, through work, friends, family, whatever.

Cal,

I've been a Licensed Professional Counselor since 1991. One of the things I was taught in graduate school was how to not get into a co-dependent triangle with patients. I had to learn to fight the urge to rescue people. You know that, "so what do you think?" Yeah, we're actually taught to do that.

The reason we are taught to not rescue people is because not only does it foster dependence, but it also takes their power away.

Our job as a counselor is to empower people and foster independence.

Does that mean we can't cry? No.
Does that mean we can't care? No.
Does that mean that we have to be cold to our patients? No either.

But in graduate school, you will learn to set boundaries with your patients. You will be taught to identify when a patient is playing the victim and learn how to deal with this.

You will also be taught one of the most important things in the field..... how to take care of your own needs. You can't help others if you're burned out, stressed out or freaked out.

If your graduate program is like mine was, your professors will force you to get to the root of your problems. They insist on you being in therapy. At least the good graduate programs do that. They want you to know which types of clients best suit you. I can't work with abusers of any kind........marital, physical, mental, sexual. I found this out in school and when a client would disclose these things to me, I would send him or her to another counselor. I know that this person would push my buttons.

You will learn which type of clients will push your buttons. You also need to learn to identify what your issues may be. If you have a tendency to rescue others, you may want to work on your own co-dependent issues before dealing with victims of any kind.

I had two therapists who saw me when I was 28-31 and 38-42. Because they did not work on their own issues, they fostered dependence, used me for their own sick needs and set me back decades in recovery.

I now see a therapist who got her [BEEP] together in therapy before she became a counselor. She sets healthy boundaries and fosters independence. She doesn't hover or worry about me. Our time is set at one hour. She is fully in the moment to listen to me during that time and when that time is up, she either moves on to the next patient or goes home for the day to deal with her personal life. I have seen her for 10 years and don't know much about her. She is neither my friend, nor my rescuer. I pay her to help me focus on my problems. That's it.

You'll learn how to do that in graduate school. So don't worry. It takes practice.

The reason I finally left the counseling field is because after identifying 6 dead kids in the juvenile delinquency field, I finally went home and cried over the last one. I knew that my time in the field was done at that point. I could no longer not take it personally. I became too emotionally involved. I could no longer set boundaries or leave my work at work. So I left and entered the teaching and then the librarian fields.

You will have an graduate adviser whose job is to help you with these feelings. He or she will teach you how to set boundaries.

Hope this helps.

[Inscrutable Banana]

Well said, chantellabella--there's no substitute for actual life experience, after all.