I have a history of clinical depression and would go through long periods of low motivation, lethargy, and flat moods. On the flip side, I've also had periods of higher motivation, where I would wake up earlier on weekends instead of sleeping in for 12 hours. I would also do things I enjoy like hiking and meetup groups. But even during the times I feel "happier", I would experience suicidal ideations and more extreme sadness thats not felt during melancholy periods.
My therapist asked me which I prefered- whether to have more energy and feel suicidal, or to have a flat mood and low energy?
I told her I preferred to have my energy back and do the things I like.
Yeah, I'd think there's nothing worse than flatness and low energy & motivation. I personally would take the internal drama of suicidal feelings if there's a chance to also experience life and happiness. It's like safe & boring, or exciting but risky.
But you could also work on the suicidal feelings so they lessen in intensity or frequency. Like do you know why you feel that way, how long does it last, how do you cope with them, do you have plans on how to deal with them when it comes. I have been suicidal for a lot of my life (ideations, never hospitalized) but once you deal with the root cause (in my case the feelings were an impulsive reaction to rejection/lack of acceptance), then they will fade. But you will still be able to experience those happy times.
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