Random Thought of the Day

[Nyctophilia]

There are a couple of people on twitter who I want to continue following but wish they'd just move to tumblr. One I'm pretty sure won't the other (Contrapoints,) technically is on tumblr but just doesn't really use it. I also think if she used it more it would make her posts more entertaining.

Should I get on tumblr? I already have a lurker account

Do you know how to Tumblr ?

Capture crabs, sexymen, color theory?

That's not sexymen as in men who are sexy obviously, but the Tumblr phenomenon. It predates Tumblr though.

Why do Sexymen captivate us so much?
Basically, what the title says. I'm doing this for an essay on culture and since the assignment says fandoms count as cultures. I guess we count as a culture even if we aren't traditionally a fandom and more like preservers of "ancient texts."

characters like Fujimoto, Volo, The Subway Heads....yea my gender envy is all over the place lmao

But I just love how STRONG they feel. theyre so enjoyable to watch, sometimes theyre sympathetic, sometimes theyre irredeemable, but they always have you go "god i wish that was me."

I don't know who any of these characters are lol.

Oh I see (maybe they might mean someone else fairly common name probably not though.) I never watched Ponyo. That makes sense though.



Long red hair, lanky, weird outfit, looks crazy, anti-villain, sorcerer. The sea. Yeah that tracks.

Fujimoto is a sea-dwelling sorcerer who claims that he's no longer human. He fell in love with the sea goddess Granmamare and fathered numerous children

Fujimoto hates humans since he's disgusted by the pollution that they have caused to the ocean.

I wrote this before you as a teenager lmfao. (Not quite but yeah.) Oh well, I stole my ideas/character aesthetics from Poison Ivy anyway. Not going to talk about how I had a crush on a guy with really long red hair as a teenager, then later my first ex boyfriend had red hair (both those guys were after I stared writing those stories/became obsessed with poison Ivy btw,) and I give a disproportionate number of fictional characters/video game characters/Sims red hair.

It's kind of hilarious that I never watched this film lol and only just learnt about this. It has absolutely all of my 'childhood archetypes' in it hahaha. But people who live on islands are always obsessed with the sea. I'm also fixated on the North American deserts/cacti though. I didn't get what Ariel was doing either.

Honestly its lowkey gender envy for me. I'm a transmasc gay guy and my idea of ideal presentation is a charming, somewhat trickstery twink much like a lot of Sexymen are

Also to everyone else: Sexypeople and how they relate to maybe you being on the autism spectrum is okay too! (This is not to say that *only* autistic people find Sexypeople interesting. I am mentioning this as a friend brought it up and her affinity for Sexymen. So far, I'm realizing that people who society deems "different" or the ones who are invested in this Sexyman business.)

The Tumblr sexyman, broadly, is a phrase used to describe any popular male character from fandom that is popular among Tumblr users, to the point that it could be argued the characters themselves are their own fandom. It may be used on characters that are considered (subjectively) attractive or non-human who have been altered by fandom on Tumblr.

But i think its because of the personality more than anything

My favorite characters would probably be a bit insane in real life (le micolash) and being in a fictional world where u can be insane as possible and have it not matter means a personality can be written as extreme as possible

I don't like guys, so it's not romantic or sexual appreciation. I just like the character archetype. There just kinda fun, and I think the whole phenomenon Is hilarious. People being attracted to seemingly the most unlikely characters, and people outside of the community being weirded out by the whole situation.

the original "sexymen" weren?t just "characters a lot of people find hot" they weren?t just "oh you draw this character hotter than they should be" either. the idea of a "tumblr man" was a sentiment geared towards mostly straight women who would ignore female characters, characters of colour, anything like that, in favour of a rampant latching onto average or even wicked male characters. it wasn?t a conversation about shaming straight women, or anyone who was attracted to these people, but rather, a thinkpiece- why are your favourite characters always men? why do you feel the need to be attracted to something, to ?ship? something in media? is it not enough to simply have a poignant theme? why not give more diverse characters a chance?

For me, it's really just a result of neurodivergence, autism specifically, but also anxiety.

For some reason, I always got randomly attached to quite a few characters on here. Sometimes I don't know why and to an extent, I still don't.

I was bullied at school and found out that The Penguins of Madagascar was this fun little show and got attached to Kowalski because I strangely related to some of his traits (obsession with a single topic - science in his case - social awkwardness, occasional emotional outbursts, etc.), so the show and Kowalski for that matter became my comfort.

But since we don't live in that world... (Edit: no we live in an even weirder one lol.) Apparently there was some submarine accident that James Cameron compared to the Titanic, and there's culture war discourse about it (which she retweeted lol.)

James Cameron: "I'm struck by the similarity of the Titanic disaster itself, where the captain was repeatedly warned about ice ahead of his ship and yet he steamed at full speed into an ice field."

Suddenly feminists are not complaining of women being excluded in that submarine voyage to the Titanic

And also the LGBTQ community are very silent on missing out, more so that the this is during the PRIDE MONTH.

Seek help.

(only joking lol there is no help.)

Also lol 'that the this'

Feminists were very silent when dinosaurs went extinct

Lol.

I also like that feminist and LGBT+ have just become genders. The three genders - feminist (woman,) annoying cishet conservative man (man,) and LGBT+ (non-binary I guess. How woke of them.)

You don't understand the fight of feminists and the LGBTQ community, that is why you would say such things. How does forming part of this trip advance their fight? You are exposing yourself

Even though as I'm reading now this was 100% a capitalistic individualist mission there's this ironic subtext of 'they're doing something great for Humanity' or 'insert nation based collectivism here' in this tweet. Why should LGBT+ people do anything when a bunch of countries still legally kill gay men, trans women and GNC amab people, and a bunch of countries still legally kill gay men, trans women and GNC amab people (pretend not to edition):

Prosecutors, meanwhile, argued that Etute did not act in self-defense, noting that he punched or kicked the much smaller Smith at least six times, including after he was on the ground. They also noted that Etute did not mention Smith reaching for anything in his initial interview with police.

Etute likely would have faced between 12 and 20 years in prison if convicted, according to Virginia state sentencing guidelines. The jury also could have found Etute guilty of a lesser charge, voluntary manslaughter, but instead found him not guilty.

Lol.

Or the elderly cisgender women that now get chucked in wheelie bins because strange delusional cishet men think they're trans. They get 2 1/2 years lol. If she was trans he would have gotten away with it but she was cisgender so he gets a grand total of 2 years and no mention of therapy whatsoever.

A man in Ireland has been jailed for two-and-a-half years after a vicious attack on an 86-year-old woman with dementia, believing she was trans and a "predatory pedophile".

And I posted about this just days ago. Nobody cares about whatever you are doing with a submarine.

Since you want to make this an entire thing and clearly don't care about the people who died who you've not mentioned in your tweet at all (so I had to google to even know.) If you'd like attention 'cis het man (tm)' become Porcupine Tree.

I really hope they play Buying New Soul. I'm incredibly worried they won't. I've wanted to hear that song live for about a decade. And this is probably going to be their last tour. 😭 I've seen Steven Wilson live four times but he doesn't play that song live at his solo concerts because he needs Richard Barbieri, except the one time they did because he was there and I wasn't at that specific concert.

Oh my God you don't understand.

My dream is to become famous/high profile on twitter without having to use the site, and then derail the entire site by endlessly talking about Rush and Porcupine Tree. Other stuff too perhaps but just talking about Rush and Porcupine Tree would be funny. Just tweeting constantly off topic stuff in response to annoying stuff. And because I'm popular it will draw everyone's attention away and they'll be confused. LGBT+ do want to confuse you yes.

Posting this on every tweet:









What can this strange device be?
When I touch it, it gives forth a sound
It's got wires that vibrate, and give music
What can this thing be that I found?

See how it sings like a sad heart
And joyously screams out its pain
Sounds that build high like a mountain
Or notes that fall gently, like rain.

I can't wait to share this new wonder
The people will all see its light
Let them all make their own music
The Priests praise my name on this night.

---

I know it's most unusual
To come before you so
But I've found an ancient miracle
I thought that you should know
Listen to my music
And hear what it can do
There's something here as strong as life
I know that it will reach you.

Yes, we know
It's nothing new
It's just a waste of time
We have no need for ancient ways
Our world is doing fine
Another toy
That helped destroy
The elder race of man
Forget about your silly whim
It doesn't fit the plan

I can't believe you're saying
These things just can't be true
Our world could use this beauty
Just think what we might do

---

They left the planet long ago
The elder race still learn and grow
Their power grows with purpose strong
To claim the home where they belong

Home to tear the Temples down
Home to change

---

The sleep is still in my eyes
The dream is still in my head
I heave a sigh, and sadly smile
And lie a while in bed

I wish that it might come to pass
Not fade like all my dreams
Just think of what my life might be
In a world like I have seen

I don't think I can carry on
This cold and empty life

My spirits are low, in the depths of despair
My lifeblood
Spills over.

---

Attention all Planets of the Solar Federation
Attention all Planets of the Solar Federation
Attention all Planets of the Solar Federation

We have assumed control.
We have assumed control.
We have assumed control.

Get it? Because it's a stupid dream:



And then eventually they'll just have to merge the site with Porcupinetree.com (or Rush's official website.) And it will be like one giant forum for music.

And then I can rest in peace. Having finally destroyed the worst thing to ever happen to Humanity. (Obviously an exaggeration, but not as big of an exaggeration as you'd want it to be.)

Lol that's what Loki started right?

Ragnarok is the cataclysmic battle between the forces of chaos and those of order in Norse mythology, ending the world and killing most of the gods and their adversaries, leading to the birth of a new world. It has been claimed, however, that in pre-Christian Norse belief there was no rebirth after the fall of the gods.

Ragnarok ("Fate of the Gods") is also given as Ragnarokkr ("Twilight of the Gods") and is the pivotal event that ends the mythic cycle beginning with the birth of the gods of Asgard (the Aesir) and the creation of the Nine Realms of Norse cosmology. The gods established order and restrained the forces of chaos, but at Ragnarok, these forces break free, and even though the gods know they are doomed, they march to battle to save the world they have created.

The trickster god Loki finds out about the mistletoe and brings a sprig back to Asgard where the gods are enjoying a game of hurling things at Baldr to watch them bounce off him harmlessly. Baldr?s brother, the blind god Hodr, cannot see to join in the game so Loki puts the sprig in his hand, directs his aim, and the mistletoe strikes and kills Baldr. The god Hermodr then rides Sleipnir down to Hel to ask Hel, Queen of the Dead, for Baldr's return. She agrees on the condition that all things weep for his death. Hermodr almost succeeds in this, but a giantess named Thokk (who is actually Loki) refuses and so Baldr must remain in the realm of death.

Odin then mates with the giantess Rindr for the sole purpose of engendering the hero-god V?li who grows to full adulthood in a day and kills Hodr to avenge the death of Baldr. V?li then assists the other gods in tracking down Loki, killing his son Narfi and tearing out his intestines, using them to bind Loki in a cave where a serpent drips burning venom on his head.

Prior to Baldr?s death, Odin had ordered some of Loki?s other children, the wolf Fenrir, serpent J?rmungandr, and the j?tunn Hel, taken from their mother in the realm of Jotunheim. J?rmungandr was thrown into the sea, Fenrir chained to a rock on an island, and Hel was sent to preside over the land of the dead below the realm of Niflheim. Once Baldr dies and cannot return to life, the clock begins ticking toward Ragnar?k when Loki?s children, as well as their father, will break loose to attack the gods and the world of order.

McCoy?s claim, however, is interesting to consider as he notes that the tale of Ragnarok would have developed during a time when Christianity was "killing" the old gods and ending traditional Norse values. The world one had known was changing into something new and, initially at least, unwelcome as a foreign belief system replaced the order, traditions, and rituals one had always known. In this climate of uncertainty, the end of the world without the possibility of a rebirth would certainly have suggested itself. At the same time, pre-Christian Scandinavian and Icelandic belief seems to recognize the cyclical nature of existence ? as many ancient cultures did ? and it is equally possible, even probable, that they saw in Ragnarok only an end to one part of the cycle of life which rises and falls to rise again.

Warhammer 40k decided to push further into this direction so now it's both unambiguously androgynous and unambiguously destroying you for basically moral reasons:

Slaanesh typically appears in an androgynous form in which it is a woman on the right side and a man on the left with two sets of devilish horns growing from its head. Slaanesh can assume any physical form; male, female, both at the same time or no gender at all, but it prefers male bodies. In whatever physical form it chooses, Slaanesh is perfection. A long-limbed, elegant figure with a haunting, almost frightening beauty, Slaanesh's appearance depends more on the observer than the observed, changing eagerly to please and seduce the eye of the beholder.

Wherever mortals are ruled by their own unquenchable desires, the Dark Prince of Chaos is there in the shadows, whispering, tempting, and feasting on a banquet of souls. But this is true in all things, not just carnal pleasures. Those who desire to indulge in the finest culinary delights, the most beautiful artworks, even the most sensual clothing, could all be amongst Slaanesh's disciples. Just as importantly, Slaanesh is also the god of perfection. The singer striving for the most beautiful song or the warrior who seeks the perfect fighting techniques, both could be devotees of Slaanesh.

Slaanesh was given life by the immorality and hubris of the ancient Aeldari Empire. As their empire reached its zenith, the Aeldari became lost in their own decadence, for they experience sensation and emotion to a far greater degree than any other intelligent species of the galaxy. The capabilities of their highly advanced technology meant that the Aeldari did not need to labour or wage war. Instead, they were able to dedicate their lives to whatever idle pursuits took their fancy. Over several generations, this indolence and hedonism came to rule and pervert their souls.

After its birth, Slaanesh slew most of the Aeldari and their gods in the Immaterium, except for the Aeldari god of war Kaela Mensha Khaine. Khaine's psychic energy was instead dispersed into many separate pieces scattered across the various Infinity Circuits of the Aeldari craftworlds. The Laughing God Cegorach also survived Slaanesh's birth by fleeing into the Labyrinth Dimension of the Webway. While Isha, the goddess of fertility and the harvest, was defeated alongside her divine brethren, she was not destroyed outright and absorbed by Slaanesh like the rest of the Aeldari pantheon. Slaanesh vanquished her as it had all of the other Aeldari gods within the Warp, but only took her prisoner rather than absorbing her energies outright.

Samael (Hebrew: סַמָּאֵל, Sammāʾēl, "Venom/Poison of God";[1] Arabic: سمسمائيل, Samsama'il or سمائل, Samail; alternatively Smal, Smil, Samil, or Samiel)[2][3][4] is an archangel in Talmudic and post-Talmudic lore; a figure who is the accuser or adversary (Satan as mentioned in the Book of Job), seducer, and destroyer (Mashhit as mentioned in the Book of Exodus).

Although many of his functions resemble the Christian notion of Satan, to the point of being sometimes identified as a fallen angel,[5][6][7]: 257?60  he is not necessarily evil, since his functions are also regarded as resulting in good, such as destroying sinners.[3]

The Zohar:

Lilith, a daughter of the moon, derives her nightmarish qualities from the resentment and humiliation of the moon. Unlike the Babylonian Talmud, the Zohar does not believe that Lilith emerged alongside Adam. In the Zohar, Lilith and Samael the Devil emerge together from the realm of evil as an androgynous hermaphroditic pair. Lilith exists within Samael as a "feminine transpersonal shadow" (Koltuv 6). The birth of Lilith and Samael in the spiritual realm corresponds to the birth of Adam and Eve on Earth.

However, the marriage between Lilith and Samael, complicated as it is, cannot last forever. God, upset with their demonic progeny, castrates Samael. Lilith, unable to procreate with Samael, goes back into the earthly realm to create offspring from the seed of man.

God placed Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden and forbade them from eating fruit from the tree of knowledge. A serpent, possibly Samael or the Devil, tempts Eve to Eat the Fruit. Eve shares the fruit with Adam, and God banishes them from Eden. The Midrash, an ancient biblical exegesis, wonders if Lilith is the serpent. Depending on the myth, however, Lilith is by the Red Sea when Eve eats the apple.

Lol. Wouldn't post that. They'd take it far too seriously. They already do. You have to treat it with a kind of post-ironic ambivalence.

This is so funny too:

https://creativematter.skidmore.edu/...=eng_stu_schol

She just starts talking about Wuthering Heights:

If the moors are Hell, then Heathcliff and Catherine are their Samael and Lilith. The Zohar and Talmud present different origin stories, but they both understand that Lilith and Samael must unite; whether the Blind Dragon brings them together or they enter the world as the inverted Adam and Eve, Lilith and Samael are destined to unite and rule Hell together. Catherine and Heathcliff do not enter the world as an androgynous pair, but there is a preternatural connection amongst them and the moors. Nelly notes that Catherine and Heathcliff almost immediately bond after Mr. Earnshaw brings Heathcliff to Wuthering Heights. Catherine asks for a whip, and she receives the devil himself.10 Heathcliff, whose heart is an ?earthly Hell? (246), is undeniably the Devil in Bront??s Hell.11 We see that fiery hell-bound soul burning behind both of their eyes. Heathcliff has eyes that spark "black fire" (75), and Catherine has eyes that ?flash? (121). Their love is unearthly; it is amoral. Hellfire fuels their devotion. Following her dream about Heaven and Hell and the heath, Catherine asserts: "Nelly, I am Heathcliff" (64).

But I think she might be onto something. Whenever I wanted my brother to leave my room I would just play this song:



Her voice is in general an acquired taste, and this would drive him absolutely insane.

Lol:

Why do people keep saying she's terrifying? She's ethereal and straight up breathtaking. And, I think I love her.

(I mean it is was better than my prior method when he refused to leave which was to just threaten his favorite stuffed animal. It usually worked too but I was never going to do anything that messed up to it lol because I have too much empathy for cute things.)

This is funny too (they just merged it with Foundations by Kate Nash.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjHRFkkGYgA

Oh my god why is the YouTube search bar suggesting 'kate bush wuthering heights gucci gang' to me. Nothing came up but who is searching for that cursed [BEEP] hahahaha?

When you think about it Kate Bush is the reason for my broken sexuality (tm)/skinny musician thing. Because I was obsessed with Patrick Wolf when I was 15/16 and she heavily inspired him and his music. Lol no it actually started before him but that's more fun. Also he has new music out now and I haven't listened to it lol. (He took a really long break and I didn't listen to his last album because it didn't interest me,) He's just 'in the past.' I'll probably listen to it at some point though. My friend/second ex-boyfriend looks a bit like him (or did when younger,) during the Tristan music video era and that's kind of disturbing sometimes when I look at certain photos/watch videos. Just a bit. He looks like a cross between Louis Theroux (and he hated comparisons to him lol,) Patrick Wolf and Keira Knightley. (I remember at one point either he or someone else photoshopped his head onto her body on Facebook. I can't remember the details of that now though no I wasn't involved surprisingly.) That's just because white British people all look like the same seven or so people though. The game developers thought they could get away with it but it does break suspension of disbelief. Tilda Swinton and David Bowie have the same face template.

The defining/dividing line between gen z and younger millennials is actually if you learnt about Running up That Hill from Stranger Things or from Placebo when you went through a phase of listening to their cover on repeat while trying to paint Glastonbury Tor with a kind of space/nebula sky surrounding it and failed miserably because you're not good at painting:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIJ8DogiIiw

Not when I actually went to Glastonbury when I was 23 (that would have made more sense huh lol.) From a photo when I was 16-18 or something.

Culture is just going to be Kate Bush being reinvented forever haha.

Oh and you know like how The Crow universe is 'cursed?' (no but people say that because of all the bad stuff that happened surrounding it's creation and later the filmset.) This is another one of those things. But it was bound to happen eventually.

OceanGate Expeditions offers eight-day tourist missions to see the Titanic wreckage at a cost of $250,000 a person.

"OceanGate has successfully completed over 14 expeditions and over 200 dives in the Pacific, Atlantic and Gulf of Mexico," its website says.

"Following every mission, the team evaluates and updates the procedures as part as a continued commitment to evolve and ensure operational safety."

Lol wikipedia:

Although this disorder does not affect the patient's capacity to understand reality, they may engage in excessive daydreaming and introspection.[43][159][160] Their daydreams can grow to consume most of their lives. Real life can become secondary to their fantasy,[7] and they can have complex lives and relationships which exist entirely inside of their internal fantasy. These daydreams may constitute a defense mechanism to protect the patient from the outside world and its difficulties.[61][119][161] Common themes in their internal fantasies are omnipotence and grandiosity.[59] The related schizotypal personality disorder and schizophrenia are reported to have ties to creative thinking, and it is speculated that the internal fantasy aspect of SzPD may also be reflective of this thinking.[162][163][164] Alternatively, there has been an especially large contribution of people with schizoid symptoms to science and theoretical areas of knowledge, including mathematics, physics, economics, etc. At the same time, people with SzPD are helpless at many practical activities because of their symptoms.[165]

Rude of you to notice/attack me like this.

[Heelsbythebridge]

I've only eaten 2 meals today. I am entitled to a third.

[Doseone]

I've only eaten 2 meals today. I am entitled to a third.

I only eat two meals a day.

[Nyctophilia]

I really hope they play Buying New Soul. I'm incredibly worried they won't. I've wanted to hear that song live for about a decade. And this is probably going to be their last tour. 😭 I've seen Steven Wilson live four times but he doesn't play that song live at his solo concerts because he needs Richard Barbieri, except the one time they did because he was there and I wasn't at that specific concert.

Went to see Porcupine Tree in Manchester (also was first time in Manchester.) So they didn't play Buying New Soul sadly 😭😔 (there were three songs with intros that made me think they might go into that song but then didn't lol damn) and some of the songs they played were tracks I'd heard at Steven Wilson's solo concerts. Also they asked everyone not to take photos and videos which I respected but many others didn't which sucked because I would have liked to get some mementos.

Unfortunately the bassist couldn't be there either due to a family emergency and I don't know who he was since he was new on this album/tour Colin Edwin who used to play bass wasn't involved this time.

Now that most of the negatives are out of the way =P

They played some songs like Anesthetize which I'd always wanted to hear live so that was awesome,



(this song pops into my head all the time because of the lyrics lol.)

and I thought when I saw the venue was next to a train station surely they have to play Trains. They left it till the very last encore song. And everytime a train went by everyone stared and cheered. The people on the trains were probably wondering wtf was happening though lmfao like everyone looking at them instead of the stage. was great though because of Steven's train motif in his music and really the best way to end a show and from the sounds of it their last UK show ever. I did manage to get a recording of some people cheering about the train after the concert lol. Sort of but not really and most people had left by then just people sticking around to try and catch guitar picks etc lol.

When he announced the song though he was like 'wouldn't it be funny if a train went by now.' And he did delay a little while lol you could tell, but the trains weren't operating on his schedule. The audacity. 'We're gonna finish with.... [BEEP] it Trains.'

If I'd gone to Wembley I wouldn't have gone to this show and would have missed that so at least that's something. I mean it's not every venue that has trains running over a bridge right next to you where they are clearly visible. I really hope someone got footage of that honestly. Oh OK they're working quickly (I was right next to the stage at the front so this ages away from where I was. Yeah I wouldn't be in that guy's video but I am in some guy's video briefly because he started filming the crowd before someone else shoved their hand in front of the camera to stop him from filming so I guess that might end up on YouTube... Edit: oh wait my arm may be in this video lmfao. No? Not sure. Hard to say. Nah I thought when he zoomed in towards the end near the front but I think I was standing further along because I was sort of slightly to the right of where Randy McStine was standing on the stage.)



Lol when he pauses after 'we're gonna finish with.' Someone yells 'Heart Attack in a layby' xD yeah a Trains/Buying new Soul mashup:



I still wave at the dots on the shore
And I still beat my head against the wall
I still rage and wage my little war
I'm a shade and easy to ignore

We're going to finish with The Sky Moves Sideways (18 minutes later lol):



Also the train cheering was way louder/more enthusiastic where I was stood in the crowd lol. It was insane.

This is honestly top 2 concert moment of all time though lol. You don't understand unless you're in this fandom lmfao. Watch till the end (or just skip to 1:55 in video):







Why am I posting about this here and not on reddit? Mm good point I will probably go there later.

I wish more concerts were professionally recorded really so you can relive them later.

Also the support band were pretty good (Magma,) will have to check them out more later.

Magma is a French progressive rock band founded in Paris in 1969 by self-taught drummer Christian Vander, who claimed as his inspiration a "vision of humanity's spiritual and ecological future"

Vander created a fictional language, Koba?an, in which most lyrics are sung.

That makes a lot of sense because during a bunch of songs it sounded like German to me, but then later it sounded like a different language and I was very confused. It was also very interesting that most of the band sung different parts of the songs, and the band was huge. However his face was blocked for me most of the time where I was standing by the symbols on his drum lol when he was standing. So I just pretended his face was merged with the drum kit.

Um Steven said at one point lol that he noticed a lot of people with metal band t-shirts in the crowd and was like 'lol but we designed a really chill out set this time' they did play some heavier songs though. Also I always try not to wear another musicians/band t-shirt etc to someone else's shows haha which is hard for me because 90% of my t-shirts now are just band t-shirts I bought at concerts. So I had to dig something else up for today because I didn't have a Porcupine Tree shirt available since it was my first concert of theirs. I was wearing this black long sleeved hoody top thing anyway because it wasn't really that warm.

I did notice some people like that though, and also one guy after the concert who had a Rush t-shirt.

I stuck around to try and get a plectrum like venue staff/roadies etc will chuck them into crowd if you wait at most concerts with live guitars. Most of the ones they chucked ended up falling back behind the barrier so they just had to hand them to people anyway. With one of them it was between me and 3 others near but sadly I didn't get it.

At an IAMX concert some guy was specifically trying to hand me one (think it was IAMX) but this girl jumped in front out of nowhere lol and he just mouthed sorry to me. So many moments where I was close.

I hadn't listened to all their new album before the concert so was introduced to some songs for the first time at the show. The good thing about that is Porcupine Tree and Steven Wilson (solo work) are rare cases of bands/musicians who are better live than in studio recording. That was part of my motivation for waiting to listen too. But that's also the bad news lol as Chimera's Wreck sounded better live I thought. Will have to look for live version later.



Hm not the best recording because it's on a phone, guess I'll have to wait to see if any of these yours were record professionally, but yeah:



I think part of it is that he sings with more emotion live. Not just the singing either though but other instruments... Think everything/everyone just has more emotion.

This song is 10x better live

Exactly rando YouTube commenter.

Afraid to be (afraid to be)
What I should be (what I should be)
The sum of all (the sum of all)
Of new and old (of new and old)
Experience has made me none the wiser

I'm afraid to be happy and I
Couldn't care less if I was to die
I'm afraid to be happy and I
Couldn't care less if I was to die, whoa

I like the lyrics to this especially the chorus. Kind of stuck with me. It seems very culturally relevant. But also it's probably personal too (I feel like he's tried to move in that direction a little bit in recent years, I notice after Hand. Cannot. Erase,) but I always felt like his music - especially Porcupine Tree's music - was 'ironically depressing' anyway with few exceptions. Very little of it actually seems that sad or bleak quite a bit of it is really more cynical if anything (like Sound of Muzak and Fear of a Blank Planet.) Then a bunch of stuff about serial killers.. But, I have seen people say they can't listen to him because essentially they find his music like that. And the last person I saw saying that I think was on some prog rock forum so that makes sense because overall it seems like a much more optimistic/inspiring genre but that's because it reflected the time. And as I've said tons of times Steven Wilson is gen x lol. So his music merged with later post-90s genres. Though in saying that I think stuff like pop punk in the early 2000s was ultimately optimistic and playful in tone.

A new town in the 60s
Out of concrete a design made for tomorrow
And even when the rain comes, we can still find a future in tomorrow

I'm not saying this was the point of these lyrics, but it just reminded me of ugly brutalist/pOsTMoDeRn (Jordan Peterson voice,) architecture haha. I actually find some brutalist architecture kind of fascinating though, and it works better with plants. But that was much later I mostly found it hideously ugly for years and I don't think it needs to be everywhere (or even worse styles.) Because it sucks the soul out of people.

So later while walking to grab some food the crossing was green and there was a red light but that didn't stop a guy on a bike cycling by and some guy in a car driving through so had to rush and avoid them. Never experienced such crazy shit. On a positive note the tram service is pretty cool. I like how you can just swipe your card on the machines and go wherever.

Went to a subway for the first time cause needed food and not much choice. Don't care for it and too many options really lol. Thought I could escape that by selecting a premade sub from menu but still questions. And I couldn't hear them well. I have some kind of auditory processing issue even under ideal circumstances and I'd just come out of a concert and they weren't speaking loudly. The guy behind till forgot to give me my drink though so I guess the awkwardness went both ways lol. I only got like 3 hours of sleep too and then like 4 plus hour train journey and several hours of queuing plus concert so yeah.

I took a coach on the way back and passed through Dudley that was nostalgic. Not because I've ever been there but when I was 12 me and my family went to France and I met a boy there who was from Dudley among other people and we all hung out. Later this older girl we also hung out with along with her sisters who was from Ireland said that he had a crush on me. And then just before we left he yelled at me as I was walking away that she was telling the truth. Maybe I brought it up assuming she was joking. But I didn't know how to react to that so just didn't. We met up at the same place in France the following summer and hung out again with some other kids this time boys. I forget the other details of the others though. And maybe there was one girl I forgot who knows. But we didn't address that convo again. I sort of became attracted to him because he expressed interest in me (the only time that's happened to me every other time someone has expressed interest first I've not been into them) we'd hang out in habbo Hotel for a while though and got fake married one time but we didn't kiss he kissed my brother during the ceremony lol.

Anyway I think I last got an email from him before uni and maybe responded late since we weren't in regular contact then. Think I was 18 maybe just after I moved actually. That was an AOL email that's gone now I gave him another I think and my brothers maybe too since we were both sort of friends with him but don't think he ever emailed again.

So yeah that's what that town reminds me of lol. Never visited him there though.

Then we stopped in Coventry which is where the guy I went on my first date that I didn't realise was a date was from originally, and my first ex-boyfriend was from there too. (And several other people I knew.)

Very strange journey lol. Tbf I've known people from tons of English towns though.

Oh I won't be doing the coach thing again soon so uncomfortable when really tired. Drifting into some weird state between sleep and wake while listening to music in uncomfortable positions. Person sat next to me not much room. My anxiety during some parts of the journey was actually better than I thought. I mean it wasn't great but it had been so long I was expecting way worse. Might be because I barely slept though that usually helps with my anxiety/mood a bit. I first noticed while pulling all nighters at uni. I'd guess because it slows my brain down a little.

I spent like.. God. 13+ hours on public transport yesterday/today lol. Mostly TRAINS. You want to know the really perverse thing? After finding the splitmyfare site I ended up getting tickets to Manchester that are the same price as to London (I live 30 miles north of London lmfao. And if I'd bought them earlier they would have been even cheaper. If I left from another station near here I think I could have got them as cheap as 13 pounds~ something insane like that. Well that's one way though.. But then the cheapest tickets from the nearby station if I could get that on the way back too would be similar. But those are those annoying advanced tickets that are only valid on specific trains of course.)

The replacement coach driver was sick too so had to take a longer break in Birmingham station as that's the law. Then got where I was going half an hour late and sucks for everyone else further along the line because he ended up terminating it there so they had to switch coach.

Oh I see Losing It is Rush's Raven That Refused To Sing. Well vice versa obviously but yeah.



^ this is actually really beautiful musically though the lyrics are quite sad (that's not the word I'm looking for though and depressing doesn't really work either but I'm tired.)



Oh while I'm talking about Rush again in the Porcupine Tree concert post. Since I started using spotify again because of the long journey. I realised the studio version of this is actually really interesting vocally (also this video is weird lol):



Dunno how he goes that high and it's also almost sped up but I assume not actually? Like he sings the chorus in x2 speed or something lol. Someone in the comments of a YouTube video said something like 'falsetto isn't everybody's thing' but it's not falsetto if you listen to his speaking voice you can kind of see. Obviously his voice got lower and he also sung lower over the years though.

The thumbnail image of this video is the weirdest thing ever. Why are you like this gen z?:



Patrick Bateman is literally just 'guy who enjoys music a lot' now lmao. It was either his most redeeming quality or I'm just a really lazy serial killer who just talks endlessly about certain music/bands (like a serial killer,) without the killing part.

Oh and this was reminding me of something the obvious answer is Seal Kiss from a Rose but I feel like there's something else as well..:



Haha (still not what I'm thinking of though I don't think):



Still not what I'm thinking of though I don't think.

lol funny sentence.

[Nyctophilia]

Well I was really tired and was going to post this and go to bed (cause I didn't exactly sleep on the coach,) but of course now I'm just hyperactive again. That was clever.

[Doseone]

I won $130 at the casino with only $10.

[Nyctophilia]

Thinking about it Milton Keynes seems like a very convenient place to live. You can get super cheap + direct tickets to Manchester, not that far from London + direct trains to London Euston (not st pancras international so slightly less convenient if you want to get on a eurostar train quickly but not a huge issue,) not that far from Birmingham + direct trains to Birmingham, and has multiple concert venues that bands will occasionally play at (though not as popular as London, Glasgow, Manchester, Birmingham I don't think. But really only London is a place bands will essentially play every time they come to the UK.) I went to see Green Day at one of them (MK bowl,) but that was a huge concert (60k people?) And I prefer small ones.

It's not visually my ideal though because ideally I'd want to live somewhere near/nearer the sea anyway. I previously lived in Derbyshire which is as far as you can get from the sea in the UK lol (though I didn't live in the specific village in Derbyshire that's apparently furthest away.) It's not much better now. Cause like what's the point of living on an island?

Oh yeah speaking of that when I was in Birmingham today for 45 minutes (lol how many cities have I been in in 24 hours. Accidental tour of England coach/train stations.) it was about 3am and there were some really loud/crazy seagulls.

Actually (didn't get off at all these places though. Spent about an hour in Nottingham and obviously 45 minutes~ in Birmingham) Manchester, Birmingham, Coventry, Nottingham, Sheffield, Leicester, Milton Keynes (think that's all of them.) The rest aren't cities. So not that many.

Lol I guess that would be an interesting idea for a video. You just see how many cities you can spend an hour in in one day in the UK and then see what you can do in an hour.

Tumblr is just a bunch of people in competition to write the most random bio ever:

I am Stu. This is my 5th life - ask me about my lives if you want. My ego is massive. I have no political beliefs because I hate all politics. I hate music; I only listen to whale calls and construction site sound effects. I have listened to every song ever made. I drink exclusively iced tea and natural creek water. I am no religious man but I have seen God and The Devil. I have 14 partners and 21 children. I drive a go-kart. I know many spells. I have never eaten meat in this life. I am legally blind because they knew that my ability to see more colours than the average human eye made me too powerful. For most of my life, I grew up in a dingy dungeon. I am a friend of fish. I used to eat coins. I am wanted by the feds for the crimes I have committed. I’m not allowed unsupervised in Walmart. My cat likes Depeche Mode - he told me. One of my magnum opi of my art career is a drawing of Frank Zappa and Captain Beefheart freakin’. I have never drawn in any of my lives. Loyal ‘til the end. I’m the biggest Oregon Space Trail of Doom fan you’ll ever know. I love dairy and am incredibly lactose intolerant.

I do mostly drink ice tea actually these days, but I also drink non-ice tea and water. So tea and water. Very stereotype. (No this isn't my bio my bio is way more boring just commenting on that. Like they obviously wrote this to seem very kooky and that's just rather mundane but included in there.)

This one is winning though so far I think. Even if it does vaguely plagiarise April Ludgate.



But April Ludgate plagiarises Aubrey Plaza who is plagiarising Tim Burton and Winona Ryder, who is plagiarising Charles Addams, who is plagiarising Mary Shelley, who is plagiarising Johann Konrad Dippel. I'm bored now but it would be funny if I kept going. I think I mixed some connections too.

Mm I bet she's going to be really bubbly and the complete opposite of Lydia lol:

Jenna Ortega to star in Beetlejuice 2 as Winona Ryder's daughter.

Only I don't know what the story could be then. That kind of removes the conflict a bit and just who is suffering from being too optimistic or something in this day and age lol? It not like the 1920s again at all lol.

I don't really see where they could go with this. But I guess it's still slightly better than just rebooting yet another film.

I don't have high expectations because Tim Burton's work got really cheesy and flanderised over the years so it's not really good anymore.

Beetlejuice was his best film, then Edward Scissorhands was still pretty good and then it was all downhill from there really. I mean The Nightmare Before Christmas (he didn't direct that one I think he wrote it,) is OK/ culturally iconic and doesn't fall into the group of films I mean but just personally I probably won't watch it again now.

I wanted to say Return to Oz or Beetlejuice but that wasn't a Tim Burton film. Lmao I forget every time. So arguably Walter Murch directed/co-wrote his best film.

In 1985 he directed his only feature film, Return to Oz, which he co-wrote with Gill Dennis. After the film failed at the box office and displeased many critics with its dark tone and themes, he never directed another film.

Please come back and create Beetlejuice 2 for Tim Burton.

The Beetlejuice cartoon was like my favourite thing as a kid (it probably wasn't good I haven't seen it since I was a kid lol,) then I really enjoyed the film as a teenager. Please don't ruin this by making it like the new Wednesday TV show (I like some elements of it, but I have numerous issues I cba going into as it's not really fresh and been a few months or something. I posted about that show when I watched the first season anyway I think.)

You have to lean into the darkness more, not just play around with pg-13 irony. Traumatise the children.

Goal:

I saw this in theaters when it was released in 1985. When the headless girls began to scream and Mombi chases Dorothy, people we're getting up and leaving, especially the ones who had little kids with them who started crying. It was a total flop, because it was considered too dark and wasn't like the 1939 film people expected. Sadly, after that people just forgot about it. I think it was a good film, just ahead of it's time that's all. Still better than Oz the Great and Powerful! =)

I don't remember this bothering me. The opening scene with electroshock therapy kinda did lol.

Um yeah I watched films that late gen x/early millennials watched as children for some reason in the late 90s/early 2000s. We had lots of films recorded off TV onto VHS tapes so that's prob why because it used to take forever for new films to come onto TV (also lots of re-reruns of older TV shows were on TV I guess.) Also we only had 5 TV channels until I was like 11 lol. Except the really brief period where I guess we were pirating satellite TV somehow? And I got to watch cartoon network briefly which was so exciting. Kids now don't even know lol. I did also watch the Phantom Menace a lot which we had on an original VHS tape. For a long while this was the only early Star Wars film I saw which I find very amusing for obvious reasons.

[Otherside]

Thinking about it Milton Keynes seems like a very convenient place to live. You can get super cheap + direct tickets to Manchester, not that far from London + direct trains to London Euston (not st pancras international so slightly less convenient if you want to get on a eurostar train quickly but not a huge issue,) not that far from Birmingham + direct trains to Birmingham, and has multiple concert venues that bands will occasionally play at (though not as popular as London, Glasgow, Manchester, Birmingham I don't think. But really only London is a place bands will essentially play every time they come to the UK.) I went to see Green Day at one of them (MK bowl,) but that was a huge concert (60k people?) And I prefer small ones.

It's not visually my ideal though because ideally I'd want to live somewhere near/nearer the sea anyway. I previously lived in Derbyshire which is as far as you can get from the sea in the UK lol (though I didn't live in the specific village in Derbyshire that's apparently furthest away.) It's not much better now. Cause like what's the point of living on an island?

It's probably easy to get around f you live in the centre, but it's not the easiest to get from suburbs to centre, or suburbs to anywhere else, and there's an awful lot of congestion at times. Some of the roundabouts are an absolute nightmare to navigate. Failed a test twice because of one particularly awful one.

Trains are alright though. Buses are a bit rubbish.

The Centre MK shopping centre is quite good mind, though it is all chain stuff and not much else, and for some reason, there is always a giant queue for wagamamas.

It is definatley an ugly place though. Wouldn't want to live in actual MK.

[Nyctophilia]

It's probably easy to get around f you live in the centre, but it's not the easiest to get from suburbs to centre, or suburbs to anywhere else, and there's an awful lot of congestion at times. Some of the roundabouts are an absolute nightmare to navigate. Failed a test twice because of one particularly awful one.

Trains are alright though. Buses are a bit rubbish.

The Centre MK shopping centre is quite good mind, though it is all chain stuff and not much else, and for some reason, there is always a giant queue for wagamamas.

It is definatley an ugly place though. Wouldn't want to live in actual MK.

I think that's the same with a lot of places if you live far out you have to walk a long way to get to the train station (unless there are multiple in the town/city.) It's not that easy to get from where I live to there by train either. Buses and other stuff go there though. I don't own a car so lots of places are inconvenient to get to. I think I must have been shopping there at some point growing up but can't really recall. I know my mum's been there a bunch too because it's a close.

I always just preferred going to London so nothing about the place really drew me to go there but it's better than my hometown.

[Nyctophilia]

These videos people are posting are making me thankful for the position I was standing in in the crowd which was closer to the centre and like 2nd row back from barrier:



Plus the people in front of me were mostly fairly short. I don't know how it happened but I think I was stood next to like half the women who turned up lol and also lots of Asian people. A few couples too. I guess they had the same idea. 'Not tall turn up early.'

I was probably the 10th person in the queue when I showed up I was confused (like it wasn't obvious that it was the queue for the concert lol,) and expected there to be more by then because I got their later than I wanted. I didn't end up in the front row though because I was stuck waiting for this one guy's ticket to be scanned off his phone in the bag checking area(way faster with paper tickets btw, and I overheard someone behind me talking about how this is a reoccurring problem he'd noticed before he started having issues so I guess he was right. These weren't e-tickets either so if you don't print them you can show them a pdf of the ticket on your phone but I noticed that was tiny so it's not great as an alternative.) Then I bought a t-shirt from the merch stall because I knew there'd be a massive queue after the concert and wasn't sure when it was ending.

And you know they prob could have played over there like Randy McStine did at the end of that video if they moved stuff around but they didn't lol.

I'm looking to see if I popped up in anyone's videos lol. I don't think so. This person seems nearer but further to the right:

[Nyctophilia]

They played this song live too which is good:



Someone suggested this is the meaning of the lyrics:

Steven has said that this song is about a girl he once knew who cried at the sound of mellotrons. Quite strange if you ask me.

I don't think this is the reason because I don't think most of his lyrics are about people he's known directly and I've heard others say it was probably about a fictional character for a film script he was writing for Deadwing (album that song is on,) that never went anywhere. But either way I don't think it's strange. I have pretty strong emotional reactions to certain instruments.

omg. How dare you:

What's the worst line in a prog song?

The scratching of a mellotron it always seemed to make her cry - Steven Wilson
What in the hell does that mean?
I'll be really embarrassed if someone actually knows the answer to this question.

There is an answer though lol if it's not working properly apparently it makes a scratching sound.

Didn't play anything from this album either (or any pre Lightbulb Sun album,) and it's really good. (I believe I own it on CD but it doesn't matter because I always listen to music online on mp3 now. Haha he'd hate this. Actually I did grow up with records because my dad had a record player + records but I started out buying CD's and then switched over to online etc) I just remembered this song because of the Patrick Bateman thumbnail video lol (part of this song was included):



I like a bunch of their 2000s songs but I guess my favourites that I go back to a lot now are mostly from the 90s. Buying New Soul was recorded in 2000 though.

If I keep seeing him live solo maybe eventually I'll hear nine cats though lol (that's not off Signify it's off the first album.):



I don't want to hear an unplugged version like here though.

I don't actually know if the lyrics online that he read were wrong as he says in this video. Because he's changed them here so there's an additional verse. So if that's what he means the album version just skips the last verse for some reason:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vE1shY7IXpA

Also re the streaming thing. He just thinks records and to a lesser extent CD's are better quality audiowise (well that's not incorrect but yeah.) Also if you listen to songs individually and then someone has say a concept album that does kind of ruin the point. I don't think he's strictly against it though for this reason:

Was there a tipping point that made you decide to stream your music?

I'll tell you what really brought it home to me: when Prince passed away, I was in Vienna that night with my band. We heard he died about a half hour before we went on stage. I was very affected by that, because Prince for most of the '80s was my number one musical hero. I still maintain he was the most naturally talented individual artist the pop music world has ever produced. That night, I tried to do a little bit of a tribute to Prince. I remember introducing the song and it became obvious to me that about 50% of the audience didn't really know who Prince was, maybe they heard the name and a couple of hits, but that was about it. I asked myself how could that be?

Well, for most of the last 20 years of his life, Prince went out of his way to have his music removed from YouTube and streaming services. I think that affected his mainstream profile. That's why a lot of young people didn't really know too much about who Prince was. If you hadn't seen a Prince show there wasn't really any way to see footage of Prince live outside of purchasing a DVD. Most of his videos were removed from YouTube and other video services.

Most of his music was unavailable. But as soon as he died, there was a massive surge of people uploading all this incredible material like live shows and live videos. Like many people, I spent a lot of time in the following weeks watching all the stuff. I was blown away by the talent of this guy. But I thought to myself, "If you weren't someone who was aware of Prince at his peak in the '80s and early '90s, then maybe you would be unaware of this musical genius." Being available on the streaming services is a way to expand your audience and expand awareness of what you do. Conversely, to be absent from them is almost to write yourself out of history.

We're going to finish with The Sky Moves Sideways (18 minutes later lol):

There are several reoccurring themes in his lyrics (besides trains lol,) and another is this sort of thing:

Sometimes I, I feel like a fist
Sometimes I am the colour of air
Sometimes it's only afterwards
I find that I'm not there

Part of that is especially during this era he was making a lot of psychedelic music which obviously deals with the topic of dissociation. This is a more cynical/mental illness focussed read on it I guess:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kgwgtERCVI4

A good impression
Of myself
Not much to conceal
I'm saying nothing
But I'm saying
Nothing with feel

I simply am not here
No way I...
Shut up, be happy
Stop whining, please

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8tgLNgXCLA

How can I be sure I'm here?
The pills that I've been taking confuse me
I need to know that someone sees that
There's nothing left, I simply am not here

I'm sure there are other examples those ones just come to mind quickly.



(Lol why is this listed under YouTube kids?)

Again I don't find miserable leaps out as me first, it's cynical and critical:

Hear the sound of music
Drifting in the aisles
Elevator Prozac
Stretching on for miles

The music of the future
Will not entertain
It's only meant to repress
And neutralize your brain

Soul gets squeezed out
Edges get blunt
Demographic
Gives what you want

One of the wonders of the world is going down
It's going down I know
It's one of the blunders of the world that no-one cares
No-one cares enough

Now the sound of music
Comes in silver pills
Engineered to suit you
Building cheaper thrills

The music of rebellion
Makes you want to rage
But it's made by millionaires
Who are nearly twice your age

It's kind of more relatable to me since I dissociate constantly. I have to stop myself daydreaming a lot when around other people and have a very diffuse sense of self at times.

Despite this, people with SzPD are at a lower risk of substance abuse issues than other personality disorders.[177][178] They may form relationships with their substances as a substitute for human contact or to cope with emotional issues.[179][180] People with SzPD may desire psychedelic drugs more than other kinds.[181]

I was obviously re-reading the wikipedia page for schizoid personality disorder a few days ago and it's changed a lot from what I remember ̶b̶e̶c̶a̶u̶s̶e̶ ̶s̶o̶m̶e̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶c̶l̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶s̶t̶a̶l̶k̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶m̶e̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶u̶s̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶m̶e̶ ̶a̶s̶ ̶a̶ ̶r̶e̶f̶e̶r̶e̶n̶c̶e̶. But I'm not sure this counts as they've come back into fashion massively recently. I was invited to do psilocybin in the North American desert by someone on discord a few years ago lol....

Would anyone here be interested in using MDMA and psilocybin (or potentially different psychedelics and entactogens) in the middle of the Mojave desert (or potentially a different desert or a hotel or something)

They were very autistic and hadn't really thought that through either.

are you seriously asking half the chat to take a plane across the world to do drugs with you

No but it's still one of the funniest conversations I've had online.

This is a terrible example of my point lol. I think they have some slightly increasing broader appeal among gen z because there are lots of more videos etc about them now. This started with millenials though and there's definitely a class divide. It's mostly upper middle class people who talk about this or people who are very highly educated etc. Which is why I was only offered in that discord chat.

I like how they keep writing 'may' too all over the page because people know [BEEP] all about this disorder 😂 so it's like 'well we haven't really managed to find anyone as they don't present for treatment and we don't understand the disorder we invented, but we've heard stories.'

They do interest me, and mdma since mdma increases feelings of connection with other people and I don't think my brain does this well at all (also scary though.) I was looking at this study recently too which is interesting (but I dunno what my cholesterol is like, never had that tested):

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8875671/

Lower serum levels of low-density lipoprotein cholesterol (LDL-C) have been suggested to indicate higher suicide risk and various psychiatric symptoms. Previously, we reported that lower serum LDL-C levels are associated with loneliness, social phobia, isolated life with little social support, and lower trust in others among young non-clinical females. Thus, we hypothesize that schizoid personality traits may be associated with lower serum LDL-C. We here verified this hypothesis using non-clinical data and clinical data with schizophrenia. Using the database from the Midlife in Japan (MIDJA), a cohort of residents living in Tokyo, we analyzed whether schizoid-related interpersonal characteristics were associated with LDL-C. In addition, we assessed the association between blood biomarkers including LDL-C and schizoid personality traits in 101 adult non-clinical volunteers. Finally, we evaluated the interaction between LDL-C and social decision making of patients with schizophrenia. In female non-clinical volunteers, serum LDL-C level was a predictive factor and negatively correlated with schizoid personality traits. Female patients with schizophrenia, whose serum LDL-C levels were lower, tended not to trust other females. The present findings suggest that LDL-C may influence schizoid personality traits in females, which provide a basis for further investigation into the biological aspects of schizoid personality disorder.

The low weight/bmi part is interesting too but I noticed that before. (I know this is examining genetic males but it seems to apply to me too):

A study that looked at the body mass index (BMI) of a sample of both male adolescents diagnosed with SzPD and those diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome found that the BMI of all patients was significantly below normal.

Like in spite of my unhealthy lifestyle I've never really put on weight. During many periods I've even ended up a bit underweight (nothing too drastic.) Without trying. And despite being born a week late. I was still born small.

This reasoning doesn't really apply to me though I don't think but sometimes I'll put off cooking for ages because I cba:

Clinical records indicated abnormal eating behavior by some patients. Some patients would only eat when alone and refused to eat out. Restrictive diets and fears of disease were also found. It was suggested that the anhedonia of SzPD may also cover eating, leading schizoid individuals to not enjoy it.[170] Alternatively, it was suggested that schizoid individuals may not feel hunger as strongly as others or not respond to it, a certain withdrawal "from themselves".[86]

It occurs to me that it shouldn't necessarily be disordered for someone who is physically small to trust other people less. That's likely to be evolutionarily adaptive. But either way if you're short you're going to get 'short person socialisation' on top of that.

I mean (not exactly shocking to me):

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/11814540/

Increased height and bulk in antisocial personality disorder and its subtypes

Research suggests that those with antisocial tendencies are larger than controls, but studies have not assessed this association in antisocial personality disorder (APD) or its hypothesized sub-types (i.e. adolescence-limited, late-onset). Height, weight, body mass index, bulk, and psychosocial adversity were assessed in 44 controls, nine adolescent-limited antisocials, 21 APDs, and 13 late-onset antisocials from the community. Adult antisocial individuals, regardless of age of onset, were significantly taller and had greater body bulk than controls. Although groups tended to differ on weight, they did not differ on body mass index. In addition, APDs and adolescent-limited individuals reported greater psychosocial adversity than the other groups. Adversity did not account for height or bulk differences. Results suggest prior findings on height and bulk may apply to APD and support differentiating adolescent-limited and life-course persistent subgroups.

I just love how they forget we're animals every 5 seconds.

Also it's not rocket science if you come from a [BEEP] background and you're huge there's a big incentive there to 'utilise that' I also think people are less likely to acknowledge antisocial behaviour that is more psychological/manipulative though. Like part of the reason women are rarely diagnosed with that disorder is because they have different antisocial tactics/behaviour (on average.)

Just going around in circles constantly. There's kind of nothing I can do though you know?

Can't get diagnosed easily so not going to bother, and even if you can, nobody knows how to treat you.

Edit: Lol I also remembered this (he also doesn't seem to think ADHD is real.) I'm quite ambivalent about this. Mostly because it's clear nobody really knows what they're doing. I'd say yes it is a problem (at least in this modern environment,) but also no there isn't ideal treatment or solution available for most people.



When I was quite young probably younger than 8 I would compulsively draw lots of tiny people. Sometimes on their own but other times other stuff like there's some drawing of like a submarine with the tiny people again. My mum compared it to Lowry but that sounds overly flattering was mostly just like stick men kid drawings lol. I guess she made the comparison because he also had a thing about lots of people. And I think I did that for the same reason I do lots of other things compulsively/obsessively. I have a memory of being yelled at by a teacher in school for drawing (I think in that way,) instead of writing this diary entry I was supposed to be writing. I guess when I was 4-5 or something (because of the teacher in my memory.) But I think she probably didn't yell or get that angry and I just interpreted that way due to being very socially anxious around adults. Or I invented the whole memory since it's incredibly vague now and I feel like that wasn't a task I would have had at 4/5. Mostly because I don't think I had learnt to read at that age. Well maybe a bit. Like I definitely could by 6/7 but I dunno about 4/5.

One time I was 'playing' the piano at the school my mum works at and the music teacher there told me to stop playing because I was bad. Or I think her wording was something like 'if you can't play don't.' And she was annoyed (this definitely happened btw unlike the other thing which is vaguer.) So it makes sense that my brain might invent memories along those lines. Maybe she was having a bad day though otherwise she was bad at her job because not only was she a music teacher but at a special needs school lol.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KxGPe1jD-qY

i suffer from Maladaptive Daydreaming since 1 yr 😔 pls can anyone help me?

No. Especially not him lol.

This guy asked for advice and he just essentially tells him 'well that's your personality and young boys should play aggressively more' which doesn't really help him now. Then rants about politics essentially for half the video:



More current lol:

"Freud I think the weakness of Freud was that he pronounced one motivational system superordinate - sex. And you could say with some real truth Freud replaced the God of his ancestors Yahweh with sexuality. And put that at the pinnacle of the human psychosocial hierarchy and Jung who was a student of Freud's although also a student of Nietzsche's objected to that. He did not believe it was appropriate to make the presumption that sex ruled overall. And I read a lot of Jung especially when I was in graduate school. And I didn't just read them I actually understood them and that took a lot of work."

"Because what Jung is talking about is so strange that it's almost impenetrable and then when you do penetrate it it's terrifying. That's why psychologists don't like Jung. That's why people in general don't. He's very hard to understand and then when you do understand he's very, very terrifying.

Freud makes the case that we were haunted by ghosts and Jung made the case that we were haunted by demons and Gods"

Oh I don't find that terrifying at all.

Freud was correct in that sex is a dominating force. Nietzsche said every drive attempts to philosophise in it's spirit - brilliant, brilliant aphorism. He was really something. When the world collapses into materialist atheism let's say it's highly likely that sex will arrive as the dominant... Goddess? Likely goddess. It's likely on the feminine side. More accurately if you think about it historically. Now did Freud bring that about? Partly because Freud made the case that there was no metaphysical reality and that there were biological realities and that the prime biological reality was one of sex and so he laid some of the groundwork for those metaphysical claims.

Androgynous.

"The logical conclusion of you being your own church is you being your own God and that you get to define yourself."

"And you might say well why can't I define myself?"

"And the right answer is what the hell do you know about who you are. And you think that there's something in you that's yourself that's defining you. But how do you know you're not just a pawn of that thing you think is yourself?"

I think it's better to be a pawn of yourself than someone else.

"And so the fatal weakness on the self definition front is. Oh I see you're gripped so firmly by your sexuality that your sexuality now proclaims that it's you and you believe that. And you think that that's you. You don't think you're worshipping a polytheistic pagan goddess or she's got you in her grip. You think that's you because you have an intrinsic theory of yourself. And your theory of yourself is whatever you want hedonistically in this moment rules. Everyone including you and that's right. And everyone who opposes that is nothing but a demon essentially."

Oh well, she's probably hotter than Yahweh. How fun.

"Everyone including you and that's right. And everyone who opposes that is nothing but a demon essentially."

That's just ironic lol. You're the Christian.

No not much use. He's too schizotypal and neurotic. Material is only about 30% useful. Part of why it's not very useful is because he's an academic (or ex-academic I dunno.) And academics are mostly failed artists. And I get that because I'm a failed artist (I just didn't fail that successfully.) And now I think he's too scared to even create his own religion.

It's really bad anyway. I've been working on this YouTube video for like four months now. I guess I might get it out by next month though. And it's going to be poorly received because there's more story I think + cinematics. But I'll take this over the crippling generalised anxiety and dread. Not that it's either/or.

[Doseone]

I played guitar today for like the first time in months. I pretty much gave up on it. If only I had been practicing all of these years, I'd be really good. That's what depression and lack of motivation do to you, I guess. I've been playing for almost 20 years. I should be way better than I am and I consider myself to be decent. If I took lessons, I could be making my own music by now. Oh, well. In another life.

Also, it's weird how when you're dreaming things make sense within the dream world. For example, I was dreaming that this rapper had made these weird limited edition dolls. In the dream I "remembered" that he did make those. My mind just created a false memory that keeps the dream coherent. Memory in the dream world mimics waking life. Unless you're lucid dreaming, we don't question what's happening in a dream while it's happening. It's weird.

[Nyctophilia]

^ I think I've had lucid dreams once or twice. One time in particular was really weird because when I realised I was dreaming I suddenly gained control over the entire dream world so I could do whatever I wanted but it was also very hard to maintain control of it without it collapsing for some reason so I had to concentrate to stop that from happening. So it didn't last long before I woke up.

These days I rarely remember any of my dreams though. I used to remember more and the ones I remembered were usually pretty interesting (maybe that's why I remembered them.)

[Doseone]

^ I think I've had lucid dreams once or twice. One time in particular was really weird because when I realised I was dreaming I suddenly gained control over the entire dream world so I could do whatever I wanted but it was also very hard to maintain control of it without it collapsing for some reason so I had to concentrate to stop that from happening. So it didn't last long before I woke up.

These days I rarely remember any of my dreams though. I used to remember more and the ones I remembered were usually pretty interesting (maybe that's why I remembered them.)

That's exactly my experience with lucid dreaming. I just wake up, so I don't really get to explore the dream world much or what I can do while in the dream.

I remember pretty much all of my dreams. They're really vivid and about the weirdest things. I actually prefer my dreams to real life. lol. The other night I had a dream that I was watching a TV show, but was also in it somehow, and it had a story/plot twist that made it the best show I've ever seen. I don't really know/remember what the twist was, but in the dream I remember thinking about it that way.

[Nyctophilia]

That's exactly my experience with lucid dreaming. I just wake up, so I don't really get to explore the dream world much or what I can do while in the dream.

I remember pretty much all of my dreams. They're really vivid and about the weirdest things. I actually prefer my dreams to real life. lol. The other night I had a dream that I was watching a TV show, but was also in it somehow, and it had a story/plot twist that made it the best show I've ever seen. I don't really know/remember what the twist was, but in the dream I remember thinking about it that way.

Yeah I wish I remembered more of mine, I've had some pretty great ones before. Also some really interesting visual stuff at times. I also have way stronger emotional reactions in dreams for some reason which is nice. Towards other people too. It's like whatever weird barriers exist when I'm awake disappear I guess. Also no anxiety really lol.