Random Thought of the Day

[Doseone]

I've only eaten 2 meals today. I am entitled to a third.

I only eat two meals a day.

[Nyctophilia]

I really hope they play Buying New Soul. I'm incredibly worried they won't. I've wanted to hear that song live for about a decade. And this is probably going to be their last tour. 😭 I've seen Steven Wilson live four times but he doesn't play that song live at his solo concerts because he needs Richard Barbieri, except the one time they did because he was there and I wasn't at that specific concert.

Went to see Porcupine Tree in Manchester (also was first time in Manchester.) So they didn't play Buying New Soul sadly 😭😔 (there were three songs with intros that made me think they might go into that song but then didn't lol damn) and some of the songs they played were tracks I'd heard at Steven Wilson's solo concerts. Also they asked everyone not to take photos and videos which I respected but many others didn't which sucked because I would have liked to get some mementos.

Unfortunately the bassist couldn't be there either due to a family emergency and I don't know who he was since he was new on this album/tour Colin Edwin who used to play bass wasn't involved this time.

Now that most of the negatives are out of the way =P

They played some songs like Anesthetize which I'd always wanted to hear live so that was awesome,



(this song pops into my head all the time because of the lyrics lol.)

and I thought when I saw the venue was next to a train station surely they have to play Trains. They left it till the very last encore song. And everytime a train went by everyone stared and cheered. The people on the trains were probably wondering wtf was happening though lmfao like everyone looking at them instead of the stage. was great though because of Steven's train motif in his music and really the best way to end a show and from the sounds of it their last UK show ever. I did manage to get a recording of some people cheering about the train after the concert lol. Sort of but not really and most people had left by then just people sticking around to try and catch guitar picks etc lol.

When he announced the song though he was like 'wouldn't it be funny if a train went by now.' And he did delay a little while lol you could tell, but the trains weren't operating on his schedule. The audacity. 'We're gonna finish with.... [BEEP] it Trains.'

If I'd gone to Wembley I wouldn't have gone to this show and would have missed that so at least that's something. I mean it's not every venue that has trains running over a bridge right next to you where they are clearly visible. I really hope someone got footage of that honestly. Oh OK they're working quickly (I was right next to the stage at the front so this ages away from where I was. Yeah I wouldn't be in that guy's video but I am in some guy's video briefly because he started filming the crowd before someone else shoved their hand in front of the camera to stop him from filming so I guess that might end up on YouTube... Edit: oh wait my arm may be in this video lmfao. No? Not sure. Hard to say. Nah I thought when he zoomed in towards the end near the front but I think I was standing further along because I was sort of slightly to the right of where Randy McStine was standing on the stage.)



Lol when he pauses after 'we're gonna finish with.' Someone yells 'Heart Attack in a layby' xD yeah a Trains/Buying new Soul mashup:



I still wave at the dots on the shore
And I still beat my head against the wall
I still rage and wage my little war
I'm a shade and easy to ignore

We're going to finish with The Sky Moves Sideways (18 minutes later lol):



Also the train cheering was way louder/more enthusiastic where I was stood in the crowd lol. It was insane.

This is honestly top 2 concert moment of all time though lol. You don't understand unless you're in this fandom lmfao. Watch till the end (or just skip to 1:55 in video):







Why am I posting about this here and not on reddit? Mm good point I will probably go there later.

I wish more concerts were professionally recorded really so you can relive them later.

Also the support band were pretty good (Magma,) will have to check them out more later.

Magma is a French progressive rock band founded in Paris in 1969 by self-taught drummer Christian Vander, who claimed as his inspiration a "vision of humanity's spiritual and ecological future"

Vander created a fictional language, Koba?an, in which most lyrics are sung.

That makes a lot of sense because during a bunch of songs it sounded like German to me, but then later it sounded like a different language and I was very confused. It was also very interesting that most of the band sung different parts of the songs, and the band was huge. However his face was blocked for me most of the time where I was standing by the symbols on his drum lol when he was standing. So I just pretended his face was merged with the drum kit.

Um Steven said at one point lol that he noticed a lot of people with metal band t-shirts in the crowd and was like 'lol but we designed a really chill out set this time' they did play some heavier songs though. Also I always try not to wear another musicians/band t-shirt etc to someone else's shows haha which is hard for me because 90% of my t-shirts now are just band t-shirts I bought at concerts. So I had to dig something else up for today because I didn't have a Porcupine Tree shirt available since it was my first concert of theirs. I was wearing this black long sleeved hoody top thing anyway because it wasn't really that warm.

I did notice some people like that though, and also one guy after the concert who had a Rush t-shirt.

I stuck around to try and get a plectrum like venue staff/roadies etc will chuck them into crowd if you wait at most concerts with live guitars. Most of the ones they chucked ended up falling back behind the barrier so they just had to hand them to people anyway. With one of them it was between me and 3 others near but sadly I didn't get it.

At an IAMX concert some guy was specifically trying to hand me one (think it was IAMX) but this girl jumped in front out of nowhere lol and he just mouthed sorry to me. So many moments where I was close.

I hadn't listened to all their new album before the concert so was introduced to some songs for the first time at the show. The good thing about that is Porcupine Tree and Steven Wilson (solo work) are rare cases of bands/musicians who are better live than in studio recording. That was part of my motivation for waiting to listen too. But that's also the bad news lol as Chimera's Wreck sounded better live I thought. Will have to look for live version later.



Hm not the best recording because it's on a phone, guess I'll have to wait to see if any of these yours were record professionally, but yeah:



I think part of it is that he sings with more emotion live. Not just the singing either though but other instruments... Think everything/everyone just has more emotion.

This song is 10x better live

Exactly rando YouTube commenter.

Afraid to be (afraid to be)
What I should be (what I should be)
The sum of all (the sum of all)
Of new and old (of new and old)
Experience has made me none the wiser

I'm afraid to be happy and I
Couldn't care less if I was to die
I'm afraid to be happy and I
Couldn't care less if I was to die, whoa

I like the lyrics to this especially the chorus. Kind of stuck with me. It seems very culturally relevant. But also it's probably personal too (I feel like he's tried to move in that direction a little bit in recent years, I notice after Hand. Cannot. Erase,) but I always felt like his music - especially Porcupine Tree's music - was 'ironically depressing' anyway with few exceptions. Very little of it actually seems that sad or bleak quite a bit of it is really more cynical if anything (like Sound of Muzak and Fear of a Blank Planet.) Then a bunch of stuff about serial killers.. But, I have seen people say they can't listen to him because essentially they find his music like that. And the last person I saw saying that I think was on some prog rock forum so that makes sense because overall it seems like a much more optimistic/inspiring genre but that's because it reflected the time. And as I've said tons of times Steven Wilson is gen x lol. So his music merged with later post-90s genres. Though in saying that I think stuff like pop punk in the early 2000s was ultimately optimistic and playful in tone.

A new town in the 60s
Out of concrete a design made for tomorrow
And even when the rain comes, we can still find a future in tomorrow

I'm not saying this was the point of these lyrics, but it just reminded me of ugly brutalist/pOsTMoDeRn (Jordan Peterson voice,) architecture haha. I actually find some brutalist architecture kind of fascinating though, and it works better with plants. But that was much later I mostly found it hideously ugly for years and I don't think it needs to be everywhere (or even worse styles.) Because it sucks the soul out of people.

So later while walking to grab some food the crossing was green and there was a red light but that didn't stop a guy on a bike cycling by and some guy in a car driving through so had to rush and avoid them. Never experienced such crazy shit. On a positive note the tram service is pretty cool. I like how you can just swipe your card on the machines and go wherever.

Went to a subway for the first time cause needed food and not much choice. Don't care for it and too many options really lol. Thought I could escape that by selecting a premade sub from menu but still questions. And I couldn't hear them well. I have some kind of auditory processing issue even under ideal circumstances and I'd just come out of a concert and they weren't speaking loudly. The guy behind till forgot to give me my drink though so I guess the awkwardness went both ways lol. I only got like 3 hours of sleep too and then like 4 plus hour train journey and several hours of queuing plus concert so yeah.

I took a coach on the way back and passed through Dudley that was nostalgic. Not because I've ever been there but when I was 12 me and my family went to France and I met a boy there who was from Dudley among other people and we all hung out. Later this older girl we also hung out with along with her sisters who was from Ireland said that he had a crush on me. And then just before we left he yelled at me as I was walking away that she was telling the truth. Maybe I brought it up assuming she was joking. But I didn't know how to react to that so just didn't. We met up at the same place in France the following summer and hung out again with some other kids this time boys. I forget the other details of the others though. And maybe there was one girl I forgot who knows. But we didn't address that convo again. I sort of became attracted to him because he expressed interest in me (the only time that's happened to me every other time someone has expressed interest first I've not been into them) we'd hang out in habbo Hotel for a while though and got fake married one time but we didn't kiss he kissed my brother during the ceremony lol.

Anyway I think I last got an email from him before uni and maybe responded late since we weren't in regular contact then. Think I was 18 maybe just after I moved actually. That was an AOL email that's gone now I gave him another I think and my brothers maybe too since we were both sort of friends with him but don't think he ever emailed again.

So yeah that's what that town reminds me of lol. Never visited him there though.

Then we stopped in Coventry which is where the guy I went on my first date that I didn't realise was a date was from originally, and my first ex-boyfriend was from there too. (And several other people I knew.)

Very strange journey lol. Tbf I've known people from tons of English towns though.

Oh I won't be doing the coach thing again soon so uncomfortable when really tired. Drifting into some weird state between sleep and wake while listening to music in uncomfortable positions. Person sat next to me not much room. My anxiety during some parts of the journey was actually better than I thought. I mean it wasn't great but it had been so long I was expecting way worse. Might be because I barely slept though that usually helps with my anxiety/mood a bit. I first noticed while pulling all nighters at uni. I'd guess because it slows my brain down a little.

I spent like.. God. 13+ hours on public transport yesterday/today lol. Mostly TRAINS. You want to know the really perverse thing? After finding the splitmyfare site I ended up getting tickets to Manchester that are the same price as to London (I live 30 miles north of London lmfao. And if I'd bought them earlier they would have been even cheaper. If I left from another station near here I think I could have got them as cheap as 13 pounds~ something insane like that. Well that's one way though.. But then the cheapest tickets from the nearby station if I could get that on the way back too would be similar. But those are those annoying advanced tickets that are only valid on specific trains of course.)

The replacement coach driver was sick too so had to take a longer break in Birmingham station as that's the law. Then got where I was going half an hour late and sucks for everyone else further along the line because he ended up terminating it there so they had to switch coach.

Oh I see Losing It is Rush's Raven That Refused To Sing. Well vice versa obviously but yeah.



^ this is actually really beautiful musically though the lyrics are quite sad (that's not the word I'm looking for though and depressing doesn't really work either but I'm tired.)



Oh while I'm talking about Rush again in the Porcupine Tree concert post. Since I started using spotify again because of the long journey. I realised the studio version of this is actually really interesting vocally (also this video is weird lol):



Dunno how he goes that high and it's also almost sped up but I assume not actually? Like he sings the chorus in x2 speed or something lol. Someone in the comments of a YouTube video said something like 'falsetto isn't everybody's thing' but it's not falsetto if you listen to his speaking voice you can kind of see. Obviously his voice got lower and he also sung lower over the years though.

The thumbnail image of this video is the weirdest thing ever. Why are you like this gen z?:



Patrick Bateman is literally just 'guy who enjoys music a lot' now lmao. It was either his most redeeming quality or I'm just a really lazy serial killer who just talks endlessly about certain music/bands (like a serial killer,) without the killing part.

Oh and this was reminding me of something the obvious answer is Seal Kiss from a Rose but I feel like there's something else as well..:



Haha (still not what I'm thinking of though I don't think):



Still not what I'm thinking of though I don't think.

lol funny sentence.

[Nyctophilia]

Well I was really tired and was going to post this and go to bed (cause I didn't exactly sleep on the coach,) but of course now I'm just hyperactive again. That was clever.

[Doseone]

I won $130 at the casino with only $10.

[Nyctophilia]

Thinking about it Milton Keynes seems like a very convenient place to live. You can get super cheap + direct tickets to Manchester, not that far from London + direct trains to London Euston (not st pancras international so slightly less convenient if you want to get on a eurostar train quickly but not a huge issue,) not that far from Birmingham + direct trains to Birmingham, and has multiple concert venues that bands will occasionally play at (though not as popular as London, Glasgow, Manchester, Birmingham I don't think. But really only London is a place bands will essentially play every time they come to the UK.) I went to see Green Day at one of them (MK bowl,) but that was a huge concert (60k people?) And I prefer small ones.

It's not visually my ideal though because ideally I'd want to live somewhere near/nearer the sea anyway. I previously lived in Derbyshire which is as far as you can get from the sea in the UK lol (though I didn't live in the specific village in Derbyshire that's apparently furthest away.) It's not much better now. Cause like what's the point of living on an island?

Oh yeah speaking of that when I was in Birmingham today for 45 minutes (lol how many cities have I been in in 24 hours. Accidental tour of England coach/train stations.) it was about 3am and there were some really loud/crazy seagulls.

Actually (didn't get off at all these places though. Spent about an hour in Nottingham and obviously 45 minutes~ in Birmingham) Manchester, Birmingham, Coventry, Nottingham, Sheffield, Leicester, Milton Keynes (think that's all of them.) The rest aren't cities. So not that many.

Lol I guess that would be an interesting idea for a video. You just see how many cities you can spend an hour in in one day in the UK and then see what you can do in an hour.

Tumblr is just a bunch of people in competition to write the most random bio ever:

I am Stu. This is my 5th life - ask me about my lives if you want. My ego is massive. I have no political beliefs because I hate all politics. I hate music; I only listen to whale calls and construction site sound effects. I have listened to every song ever made. I drink exclusively iced tea and natural creek water. I am no religious man but I have seen God and The Devil. I have 14 partners and 21 children. I drive a go-kart. I know many spells. I have never eaten meat in this life. I am legally blind because they knew that my ability to see more colours than the average human eye made me too powerful. For most of my life, I grew up in a dingy dungeon. I am a friend of fish. I used to eat coins. I am wanted by the feds for the crimes I have committed. I’m not allowed unsupervised in Walmart. My cat likes Depeche Mode - he told me. One of my magnum opi of my art career is a drawing of Frank Zappa and Captain Beefheart freakin’. I have never drawn in any of my lives. Loyal ‘til the end. I’m the biggest Oregon Space Trail of Doom fan you’ll ever know. I love dairy and am incredibly lactose intolerant.

I do mostly drink ice tea actually these days, but I also drink non-ice tea and water. So tea and water. Very stereotype. (No this isn't my bio my bio is way more boring just commenting on that. Like they obviously wrote this to seem very kooky and that's just rather mundane but included in there.)

This one is winning though so far I think. Even if it does vaguely plagiarise April Ludgate.



But April Ludgate plagiarises Aubrey Plaza who is plagiarising Tim Burton and Winona Ryder, who is plagiarising Charles Addams, who is plagiarising Mary Shelley, who is plagiarising Johann Konrad Dippel. I'm bored now but it would be funny if I kept going. I think I mixed some connections too.

Mm I bet she's going to be really bubbly and the complete opposite of Lydia lol:

Jenna Ortega to star in Beetlejuice 2 as Winona Ryder's daughter.

Only I don't know what the story could be then. That kind of removes the conflict a bit and just who is suffering from being too optimistic or something in this day and age lol? It not like the 1920s again at all lol.

I don't really see where they could go with this. But I guess it's still slightly better than just rebooting yet another film.

I don't have high expectations because Tim Burton's work got really cheesy and flanderised over the years so it's not really good anymore.

Beetlejuice was his best film, then Edward Scissorhands was still pretty good and then it was all downhill from there really. I mean The Nightmare Before Christmas (he didn't direct that one I think he wrote it,) is OK/ culturally iconic and doesn't fall into the group of films I mean but just personally I probably won't watch it again now.

I wanted to say Return to Oz or Beetlejuice but that wasn't a Tim Burton film. Lmao I forget every time. So arguably Walter Murch directed/co-wrote his best film.

In 1985 he directed his only feature film, Return to Oz, which he co-wrote with Gill Dennis. After the film failed at the box office and displeased many critics with its dark tone and themes, he never directed another film.

Please come back and create Beetlejuice 2 for Tim Burton.

The Beetlejuice cartoon was like my favourite thing as a kid (it probably wasn't good I haven't seen it since I was a kid lol,) then I really enjoyed the film as a teenager. Please don't ruin this by making it like the new Wednesday TV show (I like some elements of it, but I have numerous issues I cba going into as it's not really fresh and been a few months or something. I posted about that show when I watched the first season anyway I think.)

You have to lean into the darkness more, not just play around with pg-13 irony. Traumatise the children.

Goal:

I saw this in theaters when it was released in 1985. When the headless girls began to scream and Mombi chases Dorothy, people we're getting up and leaving, especially the ones who had little kids with them who started crying. It was a total flop, because it was considered too dark and wasn't like the 1939 film people expected. Sadly, after that people just forgot about it. I think it was a good film, just ahead of it's time that's all. Still better than Oz the Great and Powerful! =)

I don't remember this bothering me. The opening scene with electroshock therapy kinda did lol.

Um yeah I watched films that late gen x/early millennials watched as children for some reason in the late 90s/early 2000s. We had lots of films recorded off TV onto VHS tapes so that's prob why because it used to take forever for new films to come onto TV (also lots of re-reruns of older TV shows were on TV I guess.) Also we only had 5 TV channels until I was like 11 lol. Except the really brief period where I guess we were pirating satellite TV somehow? And I got to watch cartoon network briefly which was so exciting. Kids now don't even know lol. I did also watch the Phantom Menace a lot which we had on an original VHS tape. For a long while this was the only early Star Wars film I saw which I find very amusing for obvious reasons.

[Otherside]

Thinking about it Milton Keynes seems like a very convenient place to live. You can get super cheap + direct tickets to Manchester, not that far from London + direct trains to London Euston (not st pancras international so slightly less convenient if you want to get on a eurostar train quickly but not a huge issue,) not that far from Birmingham + direct trains to Birmingham, and has multiple concert venues that bands will occasionally play at (though not as popular as London, Glasgow, Manchester, Birmingham I don't think. But really only London is a place bands will essentially play every time they come to the UK.) I went to see Green Day at one of them (MK bowl,) but that was a huge concert (60k people?) And I prefer small ones.

It's not visually my ideal though because ideally I'd want to live somewhere near/nearer the sea anyway. I previously lived in Derbyshire which is as far as you can get from the sea in the UK lol (though I didn't live in the specific village in Derbyshire that's apparently furthest away.) It's not much better now. Cause like what's the point of living on an island?

It's probably easy to get around f you live in the centre, but it's not the easiest to get from suburbs to centre, or suburbs to anywhere else, and there's an awful lot of congestion at times. Some of the roundabouts are an absolute nightmare to navigate. Failed a test twice because of one particularly awful one.

Trains are alright though. Buses are a bit rubbish.

The Centre MK shopping centre is quite good mind, though it is all chain stuff and not much else, and for some reason, there is always a giant queue for wagamamas.

It is definatley an ugly place though. Wouldn't want to live in actual MK.

[Nyctophilia]

It's probably easy to get around f you live in the centre, but it's not the easiest to get from suburbs to centre, or suburbs to anywhere else, and there's an awful lot of congestion at times. Some of the roundabouts are an absolute nightmare to navigate. Failed a test twice because of one particularly awful one.

Trains are alright though. Buses are a bit rubbish.

The Centre MK shopping centre is quite good mind, though it is all chain stuff and not much else, and for some reason, there is always a giant queue for wagamamas.

It is definatley an ugly place though. Wouldn't want to live in actual MK.

I think that's the same with a lot of places if you live far out you have to walk a long way to get to the train station (unless there are multiple in the town/city.) It's not that easy to get from where I live to there by train either. Buses and other stuff go there though. I don't own a car so lots of places are inconvenient to get to. I think I must have been shopping there at some point growing up but can't really recall. I know my mum's been there a bunch too because it's a close.

I always just preferred going to London so nothing about the place really drew me to go there but it's better than my hometown.

[Nyctophilia]

These videos people are posting are making me thankful for the position I was standing in in the crowd which was closer to the centre and like 2nd row back from barrier:



Plus the people in front of me were mostly fairly short. I don't know how it happened but I think I was stood next to like half the women who turned up lol and also lots of Asian people. A few couples too. I guess they had the same idea. 'Not tall turn up early.'

I was probably the 10th person in the queue when I showed up I was confused (like it wasn't obvious that it was the queue for the concert lol,) and expected there to be more by then because I got their later than I wanted. I didn't end up in the front row though because I was stuck waiting for this one guy's ticket to be scanned off his phone in the bag checking area(way faster with paper tickets btw, and I overheard someone behind me talking about how this is a reoccurring problem he'd noticed before he started having issues so I guess he was right. These weren't e-tickets either so if you don't print them you can show them a pdf of the ticket on your phone but I noticed that was tiny so it's not great as an alternative.) Then I bought a t-shirt from the merch stall because I knew there'd be a massive queue after the concert and wasn't sure when it was ending.

And you know they prob could have played over there like Randy McStine did at the end of that video if they moved stuff around but they didn't lol.

I'm looking to see if I popped up in anyone's videos lol. I don't think so. This person seems nearer but further to the right:

[Nyctophilia]

They played this song live too which is good:



Someone suggested this is the meaning of the lyrics:

Steven has said that this song is about a girl he once knew who cried at the sound of mellotrons. Quite strange if you ask me.

I don't think this is the reason because I don't think most of his lyrics are about people he's known directly and I've heard others say it was probably about a fictional character for a film script he was writing for Deadwing (album that song is on,) that never went anywhere. But either way I don't think it's strange. I have pretty strong emotional reactions to certain instruments.

omg. How dare you:

What's the worst line in a prog song?

The scratching of a mellotron it always seemed to make her cry - Steven Wilson
What in the hell does that mean?
I'll be really embarrassed if someone actually knows the answer to this question.

There is an answer though lol if it's not working properly apparently it makes a scratching sound.

Didn't play anything from this album either (or any pre Lightbulb Sun album,) and it's really good. (I believe I own it on CD but it doesn't matter because I always listen to music online on mp3 now. Haha he'd hate this. Actually I did grow up with records because my dad had a record player + records but I started out buying CD's and then switched over to online etc) I just remembered this song because of the Patrick Bateman thumbnail video lol (part of this song was included):



I like a bunch of their 2000s songs but I guess my favourites that I go back to a lot now are mostly from the 90s. Buying New Soul was recorded in 2000 though.

If I keep seeing him live solo maybe eventually I'll hear nine cats though lol (that's not off Signify it's off the first album.):



I don't want to hear an unplugged version like here though.

I don't actually know if the lyrics online that he read were wrong as he says in this video. Because he's changed them here so there's an additional verse. So if that's what he means the album version just skips the last verse for some reason:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vE1shY7IXpA

Also re the streaming thing. He just thinks records and to a lesser extent CD's are better quality audiowise (well that's not incorrect but yeah.) Also if you listen to songs individually and then someone has say a concept album that does kind of ruin the point. I don't think he's strictly against it though for this reason:

Was there a tipping point that made you decide to stream your music?

I'll tell you what really brought it home to me: when Prince passed away, I was in Vienna that night with my band. We heard he died about a half hour before we went on stage. I was very affected by that, because Prince for most of the '80s was my number one musical hero. I still maintain he was the most naturally talented individual artist the pop music world has ever produced. That night, I tried to do a little bit of a tribute to Prince. I remember introducing the song and it became obvious to me that about 50% of the audience didn't really know who Prince was, maybe they heard the name and a couple of hits, but that was about it. I asked myself how could that be?

Well, for most of the last 20 years of his life, Prince went out of his way to have his music removed from YouTube and streaming services. I think that affected his mainstream profile. That's why a lot of young people didn't really know too much about who Prince was. If you hadn't seen a Prince show there wasn't really any way to see footage of Prince live outside of purchasing a DVD. Most of his videos were removed from YouTube and other video services.

Most of his music was unavailable. But as soon as he died, there was a massive surge of people uploading all this incredible material like live shows and live videos. Like many people, I spent a lot of time in the following weeks watching all the stuff. I was blown away by the talent of this guy. But I thought to myself, "If you weren't someone who was aware of Prince at his peak in the '80s and early '90s, then maybe you would be unaware of this musical genius." Being available on the streaming services is a way to expand your audience and expand awareness of what you do. Conversely, to be absent from them is almost to write yourself out of history.

We're going to finish with The Sky Moves Sideways (18 minutes later lol):

There are several reoccurring themes in his lyrics (besides trains lol,) and another is this sort of thing:

Sometimes I, I feel like a fist
Sometimes I am the colour of air
Sometimes it's only afterwards
I find that I'm not there

Part of that is especially during this era he was making a lot of psychedelic music which obviously deals with the topic of dissociation. This is a more cynical/mental illness focussed read on it I guess:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kgwgtERCVI4

A good impression
Of myself
Not much to conceal
I'm saying nothing
But I'm saying
Nothing with feel

I simply am not here
No way I...
Shut up, be happy
Stop whining, please

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8tgLNgXCLA

How can I be sure I'm here?
The pills that I've been taking confuse me
I need to know that someone sees that
There's nothing left, I simply am not here

I'm sure there are other examples those ones just come to mind quickly.



(Lol why is this listed under YouTube kids?)

Again I don't find miserable leaps out as me first, it's cynical and critical:

Hear the sound of music
Drifting in the aisles
Elevator Prozac
Stretching on for miles

The music of the future
Will not entertain
It's only meant to repress
And neutralize your brain

Soul gets squeezed out
Edges get blunt
Demographic
Gives what you want

One of the wonders of the world is going down
It's going down I know
It's one of the blunders of the world that no-one cares
No-one cares enough

Now the sound of music
Comes in silver pills
Engineered to suit you
Building cheaper thrills

The music of rebellion
Makes you want to rage
But it's made by millionaires
Who are nearly twice your age

It's kind of more relatable to me since I dissociate constantly. I have to stop myself daydreaming a lot when around other people and have a very diffuse sense of self at times.

Despite this, people with SzPD are at a lower risk of substance abuse issues than other personality disorders.[177][178] They may form relationships with their substances as a substitute for human contact or to cope with emotional issues.[179][180] People with SzPD may desire psychedelic drugs more than other kinds.[181]

I was obviously re-reading the wikipedia page for schizoid personality disorder a few days ago and it's changed a lot from what I remember ̶b̶e̶c̶a̶u̶s̶e̶ ̶s̶o̶m̶e̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶c̶l̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶s̶t̶a̶l̶k̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶m̶e̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶u̶s̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶m̶e̶ ̶a̶s̶ ̶a̶ ̶r̶e̶f̶e̶r̶e̶n̶c̶e̶. But I'm not sure this counts as they've come back into fashion massively recently. I was invited to do psilocybin in the North American desert by someone on discord a few years ago lol....

Would anyone here be interested in using MDMA and psilocybin (or potentially different psychedelics and entactogens) in the middle of the Mojave desert (or potentially a different desert or a hotel or something)

They were very autistic and hadn't really thought that through either.

are you seriously asking half the chat to take a plane across the world to do drugs with you

No but it's still one of the funniest conversations I've had online.

This is a terrible example of my point lol. I think they have some slightly increasing broader appeal among gen z because there are lots of more videos etc about them now. This started with millenials though and there's definitely a class divide. It's mostly upper middle class people who talk about this or people who are very highly educated etc. Which is why I was only offered in that discord chat.

I like how they keep writing 'may' too all over the page because people know [BEEP] all about this disorder 😂 so it's like 'well we haven't really managed to find anyone as they don't present for treatment and we don't understand the disorder we invented, but we've heard stories.'

They do interest me, and mdma since mdma increases feelings of connection with other people and I don't think my brain does this well at all (also scary though.) I was looking at this study recently too which is interesting (but I dunno what my cholesterol is like, never had that tested):

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8875671/

Lower serum levels of low-density lipoprotein cholesterol (LDL-C) have been suggested to indicate higher suicide risk and various psychiatric symptoms. Previously, we reported that lower serum LDL-C levels are associated with loneliness, social phobia, isolated life with little social support, and lower trust in others among young non-clinical females. Thus, we hypothesize that schizoid personality traits may be associated with lower serum LDL-C. We here verified this hypothesis using non-clinical data and clinical data with schizophrenia. Using the database from the Midlife in Japan (MIDJA), a cohort of residents living in Tokyo, we analyzed whether schizoid-related interpersonal characteristics were associated with LDL-C. In addition, we assessed the association between blood biomarkers including LDL-C and schizoid personality traits in 101 adult non-clinical volunteers. Finally, we evaluated the interaction between LDL-C and social decision making of patients with schizophrenia. In female non-clinical volunteers, serum LDL-C level was a predictive factor and negatively correlated with schizoid personality traits. Female patients with schizophrenia, whose serum LDL-C levels were lower, tended not to trust other females. The present findings suggest that LDL-C may influence schizoid personality traits in females, which provide a basis for further investigation into the biological aspects of schizoid personality disorder.

The low weight/bmi part is interesting too but I noticed that before. (I know this is examining genetic males but it seems to apply to me too):

A study that looked at the body mass index (BMI) of a sample of both male adolescents diagnosed with SzPD and those diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome found that the BMI of all patients was significantly below normal.

Like in spite of my unhealthy lifestyle I've never really put on weight. During many periods I've even ended up a bit underweight (nothing too drastic.) Without trying. And despite being born a week late. I was still born small.

This reasoning doesn't really apply to me though I don't think but sometimes I'll put off cooking for ages because I cba:

Clinical records indicated abnormal eating behavior by some patients. Some patients would only eat when alone and refused to eat out. Restrictive diets and fears of disease were also found. It was suggested that the anhedonia of SzPD may also cover eating, leading schizoid individuals to not enjoy it.[170] Alternatively, it was suggested that schizoid individuals may not feel hunger as strongly as others or not respond to it, a certain withdrawal "from themselves".[86]

It occurs to me that it shouldn't necessarily be disordered for someone who is physically small to trust other people less. That's likely to be evolutionarily adaptive. But either way if you're short you're going to get 'short person socialisation' on top of that.

I mean (not exactly shocking to me):

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/11814540/

Increased height and bulk in antisocial personality disorder and its subtypes

Research suggests that those with antisocial tendencies are larger than controls, but studies have not assessed this association in antisocial personality disorder (APD) or its hypothesized sub-types (i.e. adolescence-limited, late-onset). Height, weight, body mass index, bulk, and psychosocial adversity were assessed in 44 controls, nine adolescent-limited antisocials, 21 APDs, and 13 late-onset antisocials from the community. Adult antisocial individuals, regardless of age of onset, were significantly taller and had greater body bulk than controls. Although groups tended to differ on weight, they did not differ on body mass index. In addition, APDs and adolescent-limited individuals reported greater psychosocial adversity than the other groups. Adversity did not account for height or bulk differences. Results suggest prior findings on height and bulk may apply to APD and support differentiating adolescent-limited and life-course persistent subgroups.

I just love how they forget we're animals every 5 seconds.

Also it's not rocket science if you come from a [BEEP] background and you're huge there's a big incentive there to 'utilise that' I also think people are less likely to acknowledge antisocial behaviour that is more psychological/manipulative though. Like part of the reason women are rarely diagnosed with that disorder is because they have different antisocial tactics/behaviour (on average.)

Just going around in circles constantly. There's kind of nothing I can do though you know?

Can't get diagnosed easily so not going to bother, and even if you can, nobody knows how to treat you.

Edit: Lol I also remembered this (he also doesn't seem to think ADHD is real.) I'm quite ambivalent about this. Mostly because it's clear nobody really knows what they're doing. I'd say yes it is a problem (at least in this modern environment,) but also no there isn't ideal treatment or solution available for most people.



When I was quite young probably younger than 8 I would compulsively draw lots of tiny people. Sometimes on their own but other times other stuff like there's some drawing of like a submarine with the tiny people again. My mum compared it to Lowry but that sounds overly flattering was mostly just like stick men kid drawings lol. I guess she made the comparison because he also had a thing about lots of people. And I think I did that for the same reason I do lots of other things compulsively/obsessively. I have a memory of being yelled at by a teacher in school for drawing (I think in that way,) instead of writing this diary entry I was supposed to be writing. I guess when I was 4-5 or something (because of the teacher in my memory.) But I think she probably didn't yell or get that angry and I just interpreted that way due to being very socially anxious around adults. Or I invented the whole memory since it's incredibly vague now and I feel like that wasn't a task I would have had at 4/5. Mostly because I don't think I had learnt to read at that age. Well maybe a bit. Like I definitely could by 6/7 but I dunno about 4/5.

One time I was 'playing' the piano at the school my mum works at and the music teacher there told me to stop playing because I was bad. Or I think her wording was something like 'if you can't play don't.' And she was annoyed (this definitely happened btw unlike the other thing which is vaguer.) So it makes sense that my brain might invent memories along those lines. Maybe she was having a bad day though otherwise she was bad at her job because not only was she a music teacher but at a special needs school lol.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KxGPe1jD-qY

i suffer from Maladaptive Daydreaming since 1 yr 😔 pls can anyone help me?

No. Especially not him lol.

This guy asked for advice and he just essentially tells him 'well that's your personality and young boys should play aggressively more' which doesn't really help him now. Then rants about politics essentially for half the video:



More current lol:

"Freud I think the weakness of Freud was that he pronounced one motivational system superordinate - sex. And you could say with some real truth Freud replaced the God of his ancestors Yahweh with sexuality. And put that at the pinnacle of the human psychosocial hierarchy and Jung who was a student of Freud's although also a student of Nietzsche's objected to that. He did not believe it was appropriate to make the presumption that sex ruled overall. And I read a lot of Jung especially when I was in graduate school. And I didn't just read them I actually understood them and that took a lot of work."

"Because what Jung is talking about is so strange that it's almost impenetrable and then when you do penetrate it it's terrifying. That's why psychologists don't like Jung. That's why people in general don't. He's very hard to understand and then when you do understand he's very, very terrifying.

Freud makes the case that we were haunted by ghosts and Jung made the case that we were haunted by demons and Gods"

Oh I don't find that terrifying at all.

Freud was correct in that sex is a dominating force. Nietzsche said every drive attempts to philosophise in it's spirit - brilliant, brilliant aphorism. He was really something. When the world collapses into materialist atheism let's say it's highly likely that sex will arrive as the dominant... Goddess? Likely goddess. It's likely on the feminine side. More accurately if you think about it historically. Now did Freud bring that about? Partly because Freud made the case that there was no metaphysical reality and that there were biological realities and that the prime biological reality was one of sex and so he laid some of the groundwork for those metaphysical claims.

Androgynous.

"The logical conclusion of you being your own church is you being your own God and that you get to define yourself."

"And you might say well why can't I define myself?"

"And the right answer is what the hell do you know about who you are. And you think that there's something in you that's yourself that's defining you. But how do you know you're not just a pawn of that thing you think is yourself?"

I think it's better to be a pawn of yourself than someone else.

"And so the fatal weakness on the self definition front is. Oh I see you're gripped so firmly by your sexuality that your sexuality now proclaims that it's you and you believe that. And you think that that's you. You don't think you're worshipping a polytheistic pagan goddess or she's got you in her grip. You think that's you because you have an intrinsic theory of yourself. And your theory of yourself is whatever you want hedonistically in this moment rules. Everyone including you and that's right. And everyone who opposes that is nothing but a demon essentially."

Oh well, she's probably hotter than Yahweh. How fun.

"Everyone including you and that's right. And everyone who opposes that is nothing but a demon essentially."

That's just ironic lol. You're the Christian.

No not much use. He's too schizotypal and neurotic. Material is only about 30% useful. Part of why it's not very useful is because he's an academic (or ex-academic I dunno.) And academics are mostly failed artists. And I get that because I'm a failed artist (I just didn't fail that successfully.) And now I think he's too scared to even create his own religion.

It's really bad anyway. I've been working on this YouTube video for like four months now. I guess I might get it out by next month though. And it's going to be poorly received because there's more story I think + cinematics. But I'll take this over the crippling generalised anxiety and dread. Not that it's either/or.

[Doseone]

I played guitar today for like the first time in months. I pretty much gave up on it. If only I had been practicing all of these years, I'd be really good. That's what depression and lack of motivation do to you, I guess. I've been playing for almost 20 years. I should be way better than I am and I consider myself to be decent. If I took lessons, I could be making my own music by now. Oh, well. In another life.

Also, it's weird how when you're dreaming things make sense within the dream world. For example, I was dreaming that this rapper had made these weird limited edition dolls. In the dream I "remembered" that he did make those. My mind just created a false memory that keeps the dream coherent. Memory in the dream world mimics waking life. Unless you're lucid dreaming, we don't question what's happening in a dream while it's happening. It's weird.

[Nyctophilia]

^ I think I've had lucid dreams once or twice. One time in particular was really weird because when I realised I was dreaming I suddenly gained control over the entire dream world so I could do whatever I wanted but it was also very hard to maintain control of it without it collapsing for some reason so I had to concentrate to stop that from happening. So it didn't last long before I woke up.

These days I rarely remember any of my dreams though. I used to remember more and the ones I remembered were usually pretty interesting (maybe that's why I remembered them.)

[Doseone]

^ I think I've had lucid dreams once or twice. One time in particular was really weird because when I realised I was dreaming I suddenly gained control over the entire dream world so I could do whatever I wanted but it was also very hard to maintain control of it without it collapsing for some reason so I had to concentrate to stop that from happening. So it didn't last long before I woke up.

These days I rarely remember any of my dreams though. I used to remember more and the ones I remembered were usually pretty interesting (maybe that's why I remembered them.)

That's exactly my experience with lucid dreaming. I just wake up, so I don't really get to explore the dream world much or what I can do while in the dream.

I remember pretty much all of my dreams. They're really vivid and about the weirdest things. I actually prefer my dreams to real life. lol. The other night I had a dream that I was watching a TV show, but was also in it somehow, and it had a story/plot twist that made it the best show I've ever seen. I don't really know/remember what the twist was, but in the dream I remember thinking about it that way.

[Nyctophilia]

That's exactly my experience with lucid dreaming. I just wake up, so I don't really get to explore the dream world much or what I can do while in the dream.

I remember pretty much all of my dreams. They're really vivid and about the weirdest things. I actually prefer my dreams to real life. lol. The other night I had a dream that I was watching a TV show, but was also in it somehow, and it had a story/plot twist that made it the best show I've ever seen. I don't really know/remember what the twist was, but in the dream I remember thinking about it that way.

Yeah I wish I remembered more of mine, I've had some pretty great ones before. Also some really interesting visual stuff at times. I also have way stronger emotional reactions in dreams for some reason which is nice. Towards other people too. It's like whatever weird barriers exist when I'm awake disappear I guess. Also no anxiety really lol.

[Nyctophilia]

So I was reading and I was enjoying what I was reading and then my mind just started to ruminate on 'all the things I never say to my dad that are a continuing ongoing issue in our relationship (tm)'

Mostly his excessive concern again when I went to the concert. I made it worse I think by responding to his texts more times than I planned to while travelling. I was bored and he was responding but I have to desensitise him and that means essentially parenting him in reverse (super healthy lol, but I guess unfortunately a lot of kids have to do this with their parents.)

Here's the thing right he has expressed a couple of times lately that he worries that he was overprotective of me and my brother when we were growing up so it's obviously on his mind. I don't remember this particularly though with maybe a couple of exceptions as a teenager. I didn't exactly give him many reasons to act in that way though. I didn't drink/do drugs/date anyone during that time. One time he got mad/really concerned because I closed some web pages I was looking at when he came in the room and he was really suspicious of what I was doing when I did that and I refused to show him. READING GAY PORN DAD. (No I really was. I often was lol.) Doubt he would have approved lol.

Then I moved away to uni. He did try to dissuade me from doing that one time when he was drinking because he wanted me to stay local by suggesting that my ability to draw wasn't good which was really only tangentially related to what I was studying tbh and he wasn't wrong about that. This is another of those examples but I didn't see that as protective of course, so much as controlling/wanting me around for his own benefit.

So to go back to the reverse parenting thing the reason it's been particularly annoying is during that period I did stuff all the time and sometimes I'd text my parents and tell them things but I wasn't in contact with them as often and I don't remember ever being requested to update them on things. There was one point where I went to a concert in Birmingham and stayed in a hotel overnight. Maybe I've just forgotten but I'm pretty sure he didn't ask me to text him anything about it. So it's annoying to now be doing it even in early 30s when in early adulthood I mostly skipped past it.

Then later after uni he got concerned about me going to concerts in London. Eventually he calmed down a bit about that the last several times I've been I don't think I texted him at all or that he asked me to do that. But he's intermittently worried about things. Now this is new so if I do stuff like this more often maybe it will be easier.

He is affecting my ability to do stuff negatively though. And I'm going to have to bring at least this much up with him at some point. Like I would definitely be more impulsive than I am, if I wasn't thinking about his feelings.

So when I got to the venue he texted this:

I am really proud of you for having the confidence to do this, although still get worried as your still my little girl in my head.

And I stopped reading after 'little girl' and tried to suppress the instant feeling of... It's difficult to describe but absolutely horrible. Like I want to crawl out of my skin. Let's just round it down to gender dysphoria but there's lots of things packaged together. Reading it again now he said 'in my head' which I guess makes it better. I was thinking about that text again while I was trying to read.

I was a bit anxious about this trip because I have social anxiety, and it's the first time I've gone to a concert in a few years. Certain forms of transport here were relatively new to me so I knew I'd have to figure that out, juggling lots of stuff. But I just don't want the excessive worry from others.

I have to compartmentalise and try to seperate myself from his perception/thoughts etc but it's difficult for me to do that. And it also feels wrong because I feel on some level I should be open with him but I don't want to be. I feel such self discomfort with being myself and expressing myself in real life with people that it's easier to default to the mask. But then it's sad because he's never going to know me. He doesn't even know that I'm non-binary. Will I regret that one day? I dunno. It feels comfortable for him not to know me for now. I start to panic when related political topics even come up in discussion. Anything that feels remotely personal in real life is just a no go with everyone but especially him. I'm just never comfortable.

Also my brother has brought up before how we all have communication issues with each other (everyone in this family.) Like he just started talking about some stuff and I don't remember it all but essentially that he was trying to overcome this a bit since if ever did have his own family he didn't want it to be like this haha no. Of course not. My parents were always bad at communicating with each other too.

On the way back he texted a bunch of times. I hadn't planned how I was going to get back to my house from this one place, and even though I assured him I would figure out a way to get back home from where I was (again before getting on the coach,) and didn't need him to give me a lift from this one place to my house he still only got about 4 hours sleep waking up 'just in case I needed a lift,' then he informed me he was following the coach online to find out when it arrived and follow it in-between if he woke up. Then he texted me again when I got to where I was going saying he could give me a lift again. Told him I'd just text him when I got home so he went back to bed.

At this point I'm thinking mobile phones and modern technology in general was a fucking mistake. Because in the past people would just have to fucking deal with not being constantly updated. They'd have no choice. Also he's brought up before how his mum used to worry about him a lot (as a defense for his feelings,) and there was no technology for him to be using at the time and he still did whatever the [BEEP] he wanted I imagine.

And I'm trying also to think 'OK well I'm mentally ill. And clearly this is mental illness too. He has all kinds of issues that he probably doesn't even know are issues and some he does because he's from an older generation and he's never even seen a therapist once.' (Actually maybe he did in prison.) And he has his own trauma (that I won't go into but it is relevant.) That I think effects his view of things too.

But it's just the incompatibility between the stuff that fucks with me and the stuff that fucks with him. Because I hate feeling infantilised or like I'm disabled or like I'm young. Which is people's perception of me most of the time because I'm not neurotypical I have weird body language I think, I'm socially anxious obviously which makes me appear younger, a couple of people have asked if I'm autistic. I'm short, I have neotenic features, I don't wear makeup so that's a big thing. I don't pass as male so people perceive the kind of vibe I give off as young because that's what they do if you don't pass as male and you don't embrace femininity. Everything about me really makes people think that and I absolutely fucking hate it.

Interestingly my mum knowing I was going the night before spoke to me and asked me to text her when I got there and back and this didn't really bother me. Perhaps because she hadn't been expressing worry to me for weeks. And also maybe because it actually felt more like 'well it would be nice but you don't have to' instead of 'my entire mental well being depends on you doing this.' But also perhaps because we don't talk as much these days and I sometimes feel like I should reach out to her more, or want to because we've gotten more awkward over the past few years. We used to be closer though.

And I haven't explored this fully so just kind of writing what pops into my head but I imagine the gender aspect is definitely relevant too because my mum is a woman so I guess if she worries whatever. But with my dad there's the always feeling that his worry is an attempt to control/dominate etc. Maybe that's unfair/sexist but he's tried to do that before at least once (trying to talk me out of going to uni,) so. And I'm not convinced he really feels the same about my brother.

I always thought this contributed to Sylvia Plath's general distress and suicide.

"I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in my life. And I am horribly limited."

Being born a woman is my awful tragedy. From the moment I was conceived I was doomed to sprout breasts and ovaries rather than penis and scrotum; to have my whole circle of action, thought and feeling rigidly circumscribed by my inescapable femininity. Yes, my consuming desire to mingle with road crews, sailors and soldiers, bar room regulars — to be part of a scene, anonymous, listening, recording — all is spoiled by the fact that I am a girl, a female always in danger of assault and battery. My consuming interest in men and their lives is often misconstrued as a desire to seduce them, or as an invitation to intimacy. Yet, God, I want to talk to everybody I can as deeply as I can. I want to be able to sleep in an open field, to travel west, to walk freely at night…” (The Journals of Sylvia Plath, 77).

There is another version of this quote floating around which is the one I'm familiar with that is different in a very subtle but significant way. And in the other quote she says:

'all is spoiled by the fact that I am a girl, a female, always supposedly in danger of assault'

according to what is generally assumed or believed (often used to indicate that the speaker doubts the truth of the statement).

I don't know which version is accurate.

But most people read this quote as 'Women are constantly under threat.' Like this website I just found:

These words written by the eighteen-year-old Sylvia Plath in the summer of 1951 sound horribly contemporary. Her yearning for unconditional access to public space, to feel safe, to do what she wants when she wants without men interfering or threatening her, is the same old story that spawns through the years decade after decade.

There is rarely a time when women’s bodies are safe or free from scrutiny or judgement. Any body. Any shape, size, colour, age, physical ability, physical wellness, dressed or undressed. It is hard to know what the female body would be that managed to escape this critical, threatening surveillance. But the female body does not exist in a vacuum, it exists at multiple points of intersection. A white woman’s body is rarely safe. A Black woman’s body is even less safe. A transwoman’s body is extremely high risk. A lesbian body is unsafe (especially if it is a lesbian body showing affection to another lesbian body in public space). The intersections are endless, but they all amount to the same thing: lack of safety.

Location too. All of these women's bodies are not safe in public space. A woman can be going about her day-to-day business; shopping, at a concert, walking down the street, and be violated. That could be verbally, or physically. All uninvited, often unexpected, always shocking. Many women feel unsafe walking home, especially late at night. But many women are frightened to take a taxi alone at night. Public transport, busier, could be seen as safer, but the last time I was on a night train, a man stood in front of me and dropped his trousers. I won’t use night trains. So, for many, if we’re out at night, we don’t want to walk home alone, we don’t want to get a cab, and we can't get public transport without feeling uncomfortable or unsafe.

Could be but is it likely? Is it likelier than men being attacked? (No it isn't.)

Is there any space where women can feel comfortable? "…to have my whole circle of action, thought and feeling rigidly circumscribed by my inescapable femininity." Increasingly I think, no. There is no truly safe, comfortable space for women to escape from all of this in day-to-day life. From male strangers, friends, lovers, family members. Yes, I know it isn’t "all men". But it doesn’t need to be all men for so many women to be, and feel, unsafe. It is suffocatingly depressing. Because in the end what all women are entitled to is to live as freely as many men enjoy. To be able to fulfil Plath’s 1951 longing, that she never achieved, and that so many of us never will either:

Headlines too the guardian is abysmal (I didn't really need another reason to dislike you after the random transphobia.)

When will women feel safe on UK streets?

For women to feel safe in public spaces, men's behaviour has to change

he disappearance of Sarah Everard while she walked through Clapham, south London, at 9pm on 3 March gives horrific shape to the hum of fear that women constantly feel in public spaces. My social media timelines are full of women who are distressed by Sarah’s disappearance, and terrified that it could have been them. Men have asked what they can do to help women feel safer. But what’s needed beyond the education of individuals are urgent political solutions to counter men’s attempts to claim public spaces as their exclusive domain.

I just consider the statistical likelihood and that usually helps a lot.

Calling all men: this is what we can do to help women feel safe exercising in the dark

One in every five women is concerned about sexual harassment when exercising - and three in 10 have experienced it first-hand, while doing physical activity, mostly in streets and parks. And we know that people will not do something – whether that’s walking or cycling to school, or jogging before work – if they do not feel safe doing so.

As a father, I think very differently about the safety of my two daughters compared to that of my sons;

I was looking for a specific article title from a while back that I thought was particularly insane but I couldn't remember exactly what it was. I can't find it but as you can see I found plenty of other trash all from the guardian of course.

One time I pointed out the low statistical chance of being attacked by a stranger to someone on another forum who was worried (an anxiety forum too,) and this guy who was very mentally unstable came along and said something along the lines of: 'don't try to dismiss her fears just because of your gender bullshit.' I've spoken about him before he was the guy who was convinced I was a heartless, psychopathic pedophile support. Also a transphobe. Also had a crush on me and even after he'd decided he hated me still decided to comment about how attractive he found me when I posted a picture.

It's like I'm from another species/planet lol. And I feel almost bad for going against them because clearly this is what they all need. You people have absolutely nothing to offer me.

"Pourquoi je ne suis pas feministe"

Though of course most conservatives are exactly the same. Two sides of the same coin.

Aella on twitter doesn't get this either. Possibly to an even greater extent than me. Since I do think concern is massively overblown but still have an anxiety disorder. I don't think it's backed up well by statistics not where I live. Men are way more likely to be attacked by strangers. So it makes more sense to scrutinise the people who get close to you, not to worry about random people when you're out and about.



Something else kind of morbid on the train I noticed. Many stations had links to mental health support numbers etc obviously because a lot of people who decide to kill themselves throw themselves in front of trains.

[Nyctophilia]

Yeah so I ended up rewatching the long version of that Jordan Peterson talk after linking it yesterday:



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KxGPe1jD-qY

Oh my God there's a point in this video about 42:30 minutes in where it almost seems like he's making the case that the reason Canadians don't have creative/aesthetic looking buildings is because Canadians are nice/bland.

It's funny how he criticises Canadians for being nice. He has this real issue with 'niceness.' My favourite teacher was from Minnesota and that's not Canada but there's a similar kind of stereotype associated with that state and he was very friendly and bubbly I would say. Also at one point he threw pizza parties for people who passed maths tests but the head teacher nixed that idea because other students in other classes might get envious.

English stereotypes - moreso the South are like: Cold, unfriendly, reserved/unemotional, repressed, sarcastic, cynical. You don't want everyone to be like that. There's an extreme kind of... Lack of optimism? Here and it's not always fun. And that was something that having an American teacher exposed me to more than anything because you don't necessarily notice but he was so bubbly compared to most people. I came across an English person online who was talking about how they moved to America and how they liked the attitudes of people there more. I can't remember exactly what they said but I think it was something along the lines of they don't crush dreams as much and are less negative.

Our new buildings these days (over the past several decades,) are also often less 'aesthetic' imo. The reason Canada doesn't have more aesthetic looking buildings is because it's a reasonably new country. So 'medieval German villages' aren't going to crop up. Neither are castles. Stuff that often required a lot of work over a longer period of time also not happening. There's some gothic revival architecture apparently. This issue seems to exist in lots of Western countries including Western Europe. I think there are several things going on personally:

Practicality and I think the avoidance of pretension. Kind of ashamed of itself so architecture reflects that.

The kind of 'hypernormalisation' thing where people adjust to increasing deprivation. Fascinated by decay etc.

People are living more transiently and also online now so probably less focus on something so material.

A fixation on masculinity aesthetically. So lots of stuff is quite blocky with lots of edges, and once again utilitarian. This is the same thing people complain about in regards to Western video games - but only when it comes to female characters because women are less visually demanding on average. (I mean because it's mostly men complaining.)

I don't care because I think it's unreasonable to demand that all fictional characters be beautiful and in some cases that even breaks immersion for everyone to be conventionally attractive. At least for me, just look at the CW network. I think that's the network. Why do they all look like models on all the shows? It feels like there's a lack of character. I don't suppose it helps that the acting and writing is also often bad on a lot of these sorts of shows. The Roswell sequel. And I kept watching it - nearly quit - but continued on but it's mostly awful. But even the original had numerous flaws. Damn I wanted that to be good so bad as well. Desert, aliens. So many boxes. ticked. Why is it not more like Buffy. But yes if you want attractive 3D characters look to Japanese games. And nobody cared about this lol until 2014ish as I've said before. They were more focussed on gameplay.

Back to architecture - at the same time a kind of shift away from naturalistic styles I think. Compared to say (just an excuse to talk about one of my favourite styles hahaha,) art nouveau. Which is more feminine and naturalistic imo:



So people don't tend to like stuff that deviates from that because Humans evolved in nature.

Some stuff that's quite harsh/austere can be pretty interesting though. Like this one image I saw that looked like it comes out of a Star Wars film or something. It was a building interior, may have been a church. Probably not going to be able to find the image now. People were criticising it because they didn't like it I think but I thought it was interesting though it's also possible I've just recreated it a bit in my memory haha.

I think H.R. Giger's work is very interesting. I didn't actually continue with it but I wanted to create a kind of 3D model of a gothic cyberpunk kind of cathedral thing and at that time I was very inspired by his work. I first stumbled on his work I think in the Tate Modern in the gift shop actually lol. I think so anyway? Not in the actual gallery lol.

So he created the alien from the Alien film series, and was also part of the special effects team on that film. But he has a lot of other interesting work.





Makes use of a lot of organic forms combined with industrial imagery like pipes etc.

I think the Sedlec Ossuary is quite interesting too. I don't know when I first became aware of that place I kind of wanted to go there. It reminds me of his work a bit:





^ this is the bar in the HR Giger museum.

So of course lots of people are now generating various AI images based on his work that's popping up in results too. He was kind of like AI before AI in a way lol.

This bedroom image is pretty interesting I think:



https://www.reddit.com/r/midjourney/...r_giger_house/

Though some of the images I saw in that reddit post I don't care for so much because they seem very smooth. I think that's what's bugging me maybe. Part of it at least.

I am not a big fan of grey so it's a lot more grey then I'd want most of those images. It's the shapes etc that are more appealing there or at least visually interesting. Lately people around here have been buying these new doors - there are a couple with a similar design - all grey. I noticed this one house while out for a walk that was relatively new and entirely grey. Just far too much grey. And the shops that have been remodelled recently shades of grey.

Why is everyone making their homes grey?

Oh good so it's not just me.

Grey is the modern beige, remember in the 90s where it seemed every interior designer just used biege?

But HR Giger's work is an interesting link to the past because it's kind of gothic but it's also futuristic. You get like all these cables and wires that are kind of like vines as well. You can't just recreate the same forms over and over and over and over again. So just going back to the medieval villages etc doesn't seem like it will work out.

That's also why Brutalist architecture can be more interesting when you throw in a bunch of plants because then you get the juxtaposition. But also this is a kind of focus for me because I always liked the idea of nature reclaiming buildings to the point of I think once writing a weird cringe poem and that kind of fight but also the attempt to integrate these things. You know like my weird sexual fantasies about plant elves with the Humans representing technology etc. It's all very cliche. All very already done. Not a great idea for a concept at this point James Cameron (Avatar) - Japanese writers do it a lot better every time.

Also like urban decay generally though. I've often been living right in the 'hypernormalisation brain state.' Probably inevitable given where I grew up.

This is what I mean:



This is also part of the millennial mindstate too though I mean millennials became more focussed on activism, but they still have that focus generally on experience over objects and the material so.

I didn't get a chance to see this despite being there days ago but I saw it while looking around google maps. Also kind of interesting:

The Tower of Light is a 40-metre tall tower supporting and enclosing flues for a new low-carbon energy centre in Manchester?s city centre. The biomimetic structure has built on the decade-long innovation and research, Shell Lace Structure, pioneered by Tonkin Liu and developed in collaboration with engineers at Arup. Learning from geometries in nature, the tower's form is its strength.

Shell Lace Structure is a unique technology using biomimicry to abstract principles from natural structures, specifically mollusc shells. Below are some of the projects that have involved the application of the technique, the result of thirteen years of intense practice-based research in collaboration with engineers at Arup and scientists at the Natural History Museum.

Mmhmm. It's also a little like Gandalf the White's staff. Also again kind of futuristic.

Also all this being said I do agree with him that hell is dropped ceilings and fluorescent lights. I greatly dislike fluorescent lighting. edit: Well, no hell is twitter. But if twitter had lighting it would be fluorescent. And I've always compared large social media sites like twitter to shopping malls. They're kind of the spiritual virtual successor to the mall. Malls have more soul now that they've become slightly gothic ironically:



No not that mall goth lol one of the other gothics.