My BDD

[FracturedMoonlight]

I'm so sorry about this >_< but I have yet to have ever really talked about this.

I live with BDD everyday and it's unbearable. It's going to sound petty and stupid and I'm sorry, but for me it's always been a damaging struggle.

I'm frustrated because I wish I were smaller! I hate my body. I'm at my healthy weight, but I feel too broad. I have a wider rib-cage and wider hips to support my larger chest, and it feels like everything is out of proportion. I'd rather look like a tiny model with no chest, so I felt small and delicate. I don't *feel* like a "full-figured woman" or whatever you want to call it.

A lot of people tell me I should be proud, that I'm beautiful, and a few girls envy my size and waist. But I don't like it at all. This isn't how I feel, and I don't have the personality to match. I feel very insecure in my skin, and loath my body so much, I'm uncomfortable and can barely leave the house.

Clothes fit weird and my chest is always the first thing people notice. I'm tired of it. I wish I could be more accepting but I'm not, I just can't. I see myself differently, and wish that what I saw in the mirror could match, but it just doesn't fit.

I'll spend hours inside just trying to make myself look a certain way, to feel differently, to try and feel acceptable enough to leave. I'll have panic attacks and sit inside a while to calm down, or cry and get frustrated. I feel like everything is wrong, from my skin to my hair to my clothes to my body. I'll stare in the mirror and see everything change, my bones feel too broad or uneven, my nose changes, my face distorts, and I just can't handle it. I feel like people are staring at me when I go outside. I'm reluctant to be close to people because I hate how I feel.

I feel like a different person on the inside, and the outside doesn't fit. Like I'm detached or something. I'm such a mess. I avoid pictures, and people think my reactions are very scary and unhealthy, and I know it. The best I can do is maybe take a picture of my face, but I'll end up cutting it up or distorting it in some manner. I can't keep anything around long enough that shows me. I'm always wishing I looked like someone else, admiring people from afar. I feel like every girl in the world has something I can never have, and will always be able to replace me. Relationships are messy because of my insecurities, and it doesn't matter how much a person compliments me or tries to dissuade me, my mind always ruins it.

Next to my sister (who looks more like the model on the left), I'm always going to look like the 'bigger girl'. I can't escape this idea, that no matter what, I'll be 'broader shaped', and in many people's eyes, that's too big. This fascination with the tiny, 'skinny' girl I feel is on everyone. I feel like mannequins in clothing stores are all shaped the same, like it's just telling me I'm wrong.

I feel like it just gets worse everyday. I don't even know how to handle it anymore. I see my therapist once a month, but she doesn't seem very helpful or knowledgeable with BDD issues.

Can anyone relate?

[Coffee]

I can't exactly relate because I don't have BDD, just crazy low self esteem, but I can relate to feeling [BEEP] in comparison to your sister. Both of my sisters are reaaaally pretty and then there's just... me. Ha. It can be difficult and sometimes it feels like genetics have totally screwed me over.

I don't understand what you mean when you say you don't have the personality to match your body. Can you elaborate on that?

Hopefully someone else who is more knowledgable can chime in soon.

[FracturedMoonlight]

The personality thing is this weird idea just ingrained in my being. I feel I reflect this image that I should be this outgoing, confident, strong-willed person who owns her sexuality. But on the inside I feel more like this small, quiet little person, and my insecurity puts people off when they see I'm not who I seem to be on the outside. It's hard to explain =/

Thanks though, it does certainly feel that way sometimes, the whole 'genetics screwing you over' lol

[Antidote]

I've had BDD (self-diagnosed). Still sort of have it but I don't dwell on it anymore. I'm not sure it is one of those things that ever entirely goes away. In the past I've experienced so much self-loathing and disgust due to it. Times where I'd look at myself in the mirror and wanted to scratch my face off in despair because I just saw unforgiveable flaws everywhere. I understand the detachment too. It sort of felt to me like I was trapped in the wrong body. A body that is too ugly to be acceptable, but I have nothing else.

First thing that comes to mind is - Is it possible for you to see a BDD specialist / someone more knowledgeable about it?

Mine is still residual... I'm still hypersensitive to comments about my appearance. If someone conveys any disrespect / negativity towards my appearance I shut down around them and often cut them out of my life (depending on what they said and how often). I still avoid cameras / mirrors otherwise I get upset by seeing images of myself that I don't like. I also dismiss the occasional compliment I get, because I don't believe it or think the giver must have distorted views. So I think I cope mainly through various kinds of avoidance which is as good as it'll get with me at this point.

[FracturedMoonlight]

I know what you mean. Just bringing up appearances makes me insecure, and especially if the attention is on me and what I look like. I hate just thinking about it, let alone talking about it. Even if someone is complimenting me, I can't help feeling like they're just trying to be nice, or it's insincere, or even a joke. And if anyone does say anything negative, that stays with me and I try to avoid any and all people that are like that or behave in a certain way where looks are key importance/are all they talk about. I just feel broken and unattached, like I can never accept this body, and what I dread the most is the fact that no matter what, I can't change it, I'm stuck with it.

The one relationship I had, was partially messed up because of my insecurities, and causes further problems in any other potential ones. It's miserable. Like I'm just hiding away in this shell and I'll never be able to grow out of it, or be how I want, or show how I feel. Blah.

I'm looking into a BDD specialist, just something. I'd really like to learn some better coping techniques, because I have a feeling this is something that doesn't go away, it's always there. I can totally relate with your view on mirrors/pictures =/

[tangerine]

I can relate to everything you said. Literally, my BDD focuses around the exact same thing. Especially, I spend extreme amounts of time trying to get myself to look a certain way before I leave the house. I can also spend ridiculous hours looking in mirrors, and always mirror checking. I am the curvy girl, with two thinner sisters. One I would say is between the two images, and the other is slim and has food issues. My struggles used to be a lot worse. I had agoraphobia due to it, but eventually sought out therapy and improved. My BDD is still a daily struggle, good days are great though, bad days are very bad. My problem isn't that I want to be slim, but I'm obsessed with either perceived or real minute changes in my body that bother me. I've accepted the fact that I'll always be like the picture on the right, and I think that's beautiful. On the other hand, if I gain an inch in my waist, or lose an inch in my hips for instance, I will hate myself, feel terrible and so on. It's not healthy.
Body acceptance blogs have helped me a lot. I also hate taking pictures, but my current boyfriend who I love, loves to take them, so I've been forcing myself more and more. Replacing negative thinking with positive thinking is key.

Also, finding clothes that do fit makes me feel better, even though it's incredibly hard.
It is shocking to me how I could've wrote exactly what you did. wow.
I might be considered, "Too big," for some people, but so what? I might also be considered too tall, too short, wrong ethnicity, or not big enough! and so on.

[Grand Jete]

I feel like I could have written the OP, except that I have the bigger frame and the wider rib cage WITHOUT the big boobs. I feel like the usual expectation is that it's okay for a "larger" woman to not be super thin as long as she has big boobs...or that it's okay for a woman to have a smaller chest as long as she is really thin. And I don't fit either profile, so I feel incredibly inadequate. Technically, I'm also in the healthy BMI range, but I still feel like I'm too heavy. Doesn't help that my legs are proportionately short (cursed with a long torso) and rather muscular.

I've hated my body a long time, and the result has been an incredibly crippling eating disorder. I have long had anxiety to some extent, but it got 20 times worse when I hit 17 years old and started hating the way I looked. I wish I could say something to help, but I've been so firmly entrenched in that mindset for the past 6 years and none of the therapy seems to have helped. I've all but given up on ever liking myself or being 'normal.'

A BDD specialist may be helpful. Hasn't been for me thus far but I seem to be unusually resistant to recover as compared to most other people with BDD/ED. What's helped the most for me is dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), which basically incorporates mindfulness. If I'd be more purposeful about actually doing the therapy exercises, I'd probably actually make some headway into recovery.

[VickieKitties]

Avoiding mirrors and spending so much time getting ready to leave the house makes it almost not worth it. I lost 80lbs and hate my body so much worse now, knowing it wasn't the weight that made me hate my body so much.

[WintersTale]

I know I'm a guy, but I struggle with BDD, too.

It's mostly over my face. I think I have a very plain face, one that is too feminine and not masculine enough. To top it off, I think I am ugly, and look weird or something, because people are always staring at me.

If I could change this, I would. But it is something I feel.

[Pukeface]

My BDD is very very very severe is the worst thing in world is horrible and unbearable. I think I look so disgusting that ppl will feel like throwing up if they see me. I feel too ugly to live and i spend all the time i can hiding. I like the way i look except when i was a teen i got severe acne and it made me feel like my life was over and it ruined my life!

[mzmz]

I know what you guys mean about compliments. People around me are always telling me how great my clothing is or my outfit or even my face and I'm just like "it's no big deal" and with the face thing, if i'm wearing make up i'm just like "i'm wearing alot of make up" and if im not im CONVINCED they are just being nice cuase they can tell I hate myself and they feel its thier responsability. As to the clothing, its the only thing im good at. But it also extends to my coffee making skills or anything i say that somone says is smart or thoughtful "Oh, they feel sorry for me/want to have sex with me/is trying to get me to do something for them. So i'm not sure its BDD -it might just be really low self esteem
*shrugs*