Black Sheep

[Rawr]

I'm a Black Sheep. Anything I do that I think is 'average' apparently isn't coming from me. I'll stand in front of the mirror, get dolled up & go out thinking that I'll catch a few eyes like my co-workers do. Not really. Matter of fact on occasion get made fun of. I'm told all the time that I try too hard & care too much. I know I do & I wish I didn't. I can't help but wonder what makes me so unlikable in general. Lack of personality? No social skills? Being fat & ugly? Well I don't think of myself as too ugly nowadays since I've lost 40 pounds. Just average but I feel like most think I'm ugly. I know in School I was called ugly a lot & would have guys pay each other to ask me out for a laugh. I use to be 5'8" & 260 pounds in school. Now I'm 5'9" & 220 pounds. A lot of times I see bigger girls that're more admired than me though so maybe that isn't entirely it so it's got to be how I come off to people. My facial expressions. I've been told I look 'worried', 'scared' or 'upset' a lot which may be what triggers people to make fun of me cause I get called 'Emo' a lot.

I also feel like I'm singled out a lot compared to others due to SOMETHING they don't like about me. Just like at work. When one of the head bosses is at work, she'll joke around with everyone else but just look at me & say "What's wrong with you today emo girl?!" even when I'm HAPPY! Then I come inside & sit down for a few minutes after standing for an hour since I have a bad back & she'll be like "I'm not paying you to sit around! You might as well go home if you're gonna do that!". Well guess what I see when I go home & get on Facebook. Pictures of the other girls sitting around & goofing off! Then she gets online & comments that they're beautiful & stuff. WHY ARE THEY ALLOWED TO DO THAT STUFF BUT I GET IN TROUBLE FOR TAKING A BREAK FOR A FEW MINUTES!?!? I know they're hair stylists & I'm a Mascot but good grief. I get sick of how people speak to me just cause I'm a Mascot. It's the only job that's suitable for me to do right now since I don't have to really speak to nor be around anyone. I just listen to music & hold my sign on the side of the road.

Yeah it bothers me how the other girls get hit on throughout the day by guys while I'm getting the finger & being called a loser but when I go home at the end of it all, it really doesn't matter anymore. I'm not a people person & I doubt I'll ever be. I like being at home so that I can forget about how people look at me & talk to me when I'm out in public. Reading & doing indoor things make me happy. Not partying & being social with others. I just feel like the only one that's as black of a sheep as I am sometimes.

I only have 84 Facebook friends while everyone else seems to have 300 or more. When someone does add me, I guess they see how much of a loser I am & they end up deleting me.

Here is a full shot of me before I put blue in my hair yesterday. This is how I look. I try to be decent looking but feel like I try too hard.

[Denise]

Hun, you look kissable to me. It's only obesity we ought to worry about, due to the numerous health problems.

There's a chick next to where I live about 2-3 times bigger and has a rather hunky kind of boyfriend.

It's a self-esteem problem. Do we need to be a clone of everybody else? What's the point.. If you can still find a partner who will love you no matter how you look like? We ought to protect ourselves as much as we can, every cubic centimeter. Our individuality.

> Been there, cried, still fighting.

[Rawr]

Thanks ♥. I know. Still trying to lose but thank goodness for being tall so I don't have to lose too much more lol. My doctor told me I'd even be fine at 200.

But anyways... I really wouldn't want to be anything like the girls I work with since they're extroverts. I just get really upset at how people look at me & treat me sometimes.

[Denise]

Thanks ♥. I know. Still trying to lose but thank goodness for being tall so I don't have to lose too much more lol. My doctor told me I'd even be fine at 200.

But anyways... I really wouldn't want to be anything like the girls I work with since they're extroverts. I just get really upset at how people look at me & treat me sometimes.

No Problemo !
I have 53 friends on Facebook.

[Rawr]

No Problemo !
I have 53 friends on Facebook.

Close to what I use to have before I started looking on my mom's list & adding some of her friends to increase my number lol.

[Chantellabella]

First of all, I want to tell you that not only are you a beautiful young lady, but you're very brave to openly post your feelings here. You also seem very smart and self aware, because rather than come on here and be angry and lash out, you are saying, "this is me, I'm having problems, and I'm not sure why." That's awesome and very mature. I'm 55 and it took me up until about 4 years ago to say the things you said in your post.

It sounds to me like you're on the road to finding out what you have to do next. You are questioning what the difference is. In my experience, the difference at work could be many things such as:1) the mix of personalities working there; 2) a clique; 3)an unprofessional boss who should know she can't label or call her employees names; or 4) really other factors such as self esteem or the boss playing favorites at play. Work environments are like dysfunctional families. People are thrown together and they have to try and make it work. Only the staff with very smart leaders can accomplish a good working environment. All the rest seem to self destruct. So don't rule out that it might be the work environment.

You've done some self improvements so you seem open to change to be healthy. That's about all you can do. You can't make people like you. The change needs to come from within. If you believe you're a worthy person, (this is going to sound corny, but I've found it to be true).........well, if you believe you are worth something, you give off vibes to others that they need to respect you. If you agree with them that there is something wrong with you, then that tells them it's ok to disrespect you. Does that make sense?

[Rawr]

It does. Thanks.

I do have low self esteem but out in public nowadays I hide it pretty good. I just have difficulty with my anxiety around others still I suppose cause anytime in the store when someone walks near me & looks at me, I quickly look at my nails or pretend I'm reading my phone.

[JesusChild]

Mira you know me better than anyone here (obviously you are my Kid Sister) You will always be my sweet Miranda, I have told you this before I think you are an amazing young lady and you hold a very special place in my heart. Nobody deserves to be treated the way you say you are treated that's insulting, its mean spirited.

There's a saying it's better to have 1 honest friend than a Million friends talking behind your back (okay it doesn't really go that way I don't know how it goes) but the sentiment is the same, your character and the value you carry for yourself is far more important than how many facebook friends you have, a majority of those so called 300 friendships some girl might have are fake. I taught you a long time ago how to value yourself you are a good person Miranda.


You will always find people in this world who will look down at you for not conforming to the status quo your value and who you are is not defined by what they or anyone thinks of you, to Megan you are her idol her hero and a child like that sees the real honest you, those people out there don't know you, people like Megan and I your family see you for who you are and know the value you have inside you.

You will always be my little sister. Don't lose sight that you have value that those people can't see, I agree with everything Chantaellabella said, you'll always find people who look to take advantage of vulnerable people don't let them steal your dignity and self respect.

[Rawr]

Mira you know me better than anyone here (obviously you are my Kid Sister) You will always be my sweet Miranda, I have told you this before I think you are an amazing young lady and you hold a very special place in my heart. Nobody deserves to be treated the way you say you are treated that's insulting, its mean spirited.

There's a saying it's better to have 1 honest friend than a Million friends talking behind your back (okay it doesn't really go that way I don't know how it goes) but the sentiment is the same, your character and the value you carry for yourself is far more important than how many facebook friends you have, a majority of those so called 300 friendships some girl might have are fake. I taught you a long time ago how to value yourself you are a good person Miranda.


You will always find people in this world who will look down at you for not conforming to the status quo your value and who you are is not defined by what they or anyone thinks of you, to Megan you are her idol her hero and a child like that sees the real honest you, those people out there don't know you, people like Megan and I your family see you for who you are and know the value you have inside you.

You will always be my little sister. Don't lose sight that you have value that those people can't see, I agree with everything Chantaellabella said, you'll always find people who look to take advantage of vulnerable people don't let them steal your dignity and self respect.

Thanks bro. ♥

[pam]

I can relate to a lot of what you've said--especially the "you look worried, scared, mad" thing even when I'm not. Once a guy said to me "Ohhhh, if looks could kill!" when I was not only neutral in my face, but I wasn't thinking about anything or mad. It's frustrating when people misunderstand or misinterpret things. And when I was younger I was also an easy target for people to take out their problems on--I was made fun of not only at school, but at home too. I think sensitive people are unfortunately singled out for this type of thing because we are easier to hurt and it shows. I like how Chantella described a work environment as similar to a dysfunctional family. It sounds like it's not you, it's them.

And yeah you are one of those people who no matter how much or little you weigh, you're still pretty! (as opposed to me who has to be skinny to look good to make up for my not-so-great-looking face, lol!)

[Rawr]

I can relate to a lot of what you've said--especially the "you look worried, scared, mad" thing even when I'm not. Once a guy said to me "Ohhhh, if looks could kill!" when I was not only neutral in my face, but I wasn't thinking about anything or mad. It's frustrating when people misunderstand or misinterpret things. And when I was younger I was also an easy target for people to take out their problems on--I was made fun of not only at school, but at home too. I think sensitive people are unfortunately singled out for this type of thing because we are easier to hurt and it shows. I like how Chantella described a work environment as similar to a dysfunctional family. It sounds like it's not you, it's them.

And yeah you are one of those people who no matter how much or little you weigh, you're still pretty! (as opposed to me who has to be skinny to look good to make up for my not-so-great-looking face, lol!)

Thank you! I bet you're pretty though. But yeah.. I'm picked on at home sometimes as well.