Oh ok!
Cute Sesame Street clip!
needs more cowbell
Oh ok!
Cute Sesame Street clip!
Drug-free and Happy
Nice, like the sesame street clip.
And if there is any girl out there that assumes that just by talking to them you're hitting on them, you're only looking to have sex with them...well, I know there's people like that exists and honestly, they're not worth your bother if they make a fuss about it. But she's right, a lot of us do like the attention. We're human. We like it when people seem to like us for whatever reason, whether it's because of the way we look, or our personalities. As a species, we like it when we're noticed like that (Okay, so I know I'm on an anxiety support forum, but okay...is there anyone here who really doesn't like it and has never liked it when someone compliments them?) We do realize though that men talking to us doesn't necessarily mean that we're going to have sex, or that he's looking to have sex, or whatever.
Just a thought, maybe when you're like at the store or whatever buying food or wherever, you could ask the cashier how her days going? Might help with your confidence, and there's nothing unusual about that. Might even make the cashier's day.
But don't beat yourself up about being unable to the assignment too much, as should be this sites catchphrase, anxiety happens. To people on here, quite a bit.
I'M GONNA FIGHT 'EM ALL
A SEVEN NATION ARMY COULDN'T HOLD ME BACK.......
Monkey man
Yesterday I finally talked with one of the girls. It was actually the one I'd thought I'll have less chances to because she's usually with more people around her than the other one. I was walking towards the library hoping to find a free table where to sit and work with my laptop when I saw her sit on a nearby chair working on some sort of small structure. She was alone; yet I couldn't get myself to talk to her, she was leaning to the ground focused on her project and I didn't want to interrupt her, so I just kept walking towards the library feeling like a loser and a failure.
It turned out there weren't tables available at the library (it's a small one), so I stepped outside the door, wondering where should I go then. She still was there, working on her project. I had the option of going to another building without passing next to her. But I guess seeing her alone, despite being busy, motivated me to cut the crap, stop thinking and go there. Well it wasn't a mindless act, I turned off my phone to pretend it had ran out of battery and that I coincidentally noticed it right when I was walking next to her. and this is what happened:
She was again leaning to the ground checking her structure thingy, so she wasn't actually in the best position to talk with someone who were walking by; I had to lean weirdly, and I said something like "Excuse me, would you know what time is it?". She having her head close to the ground, and me being tall, despite I was leaning towards her, made me think she hand't hear me because for what seemed like an eternity (and were actually less than two seconds) she didn't react. Then she sit still leaning towards her left and looked at me but not directly to my face. I felt I had to said something and my turned off phone in my hand I mumbled "this thing's battery died", which I don't know if she even understood because the volume and the vocalization when I was saying that dropped dramatically as I said it. There she started reaching for her phone, which was precisely where she was leaning towards so it took her about five even more eternal seconds to get, while none of us said anything at all, I think all that time I was looking at the ground and then at her phone, I wasn't capable of making eye contact during that awkward silence. After that torture she read the hour, looked at me and said "12:56 pm". While she said that I was capable of maintaining eye contact, and then I told her "thank you very much", still looking at her and I think I kinda said that smiling. Then I walked away, thinking "well now you can't said that I didn't at least try, is everyone happy now?". Some meters away I felt a burst of adrenaline striking my body from my hearth, it felt like if my body had been holding the breath during the whole thing.
Then I remembered what others had told me. I realized that being so nervous I really can't stop to see if I'm smiling, or being spontaneous, or being myself, or just going with the flow or any of that stuff. I'm just too damn anxious to think of what am I doing, I can barely function and I don't even know how I did it. And no, it wasn't fun AT ALL. I don't feel it's going to be easier next time, because I doubt there will be a next time; doing things this way I mean. The impression that I got is that she realized it was all an very lame staged act to try to talk with her. I don't think it actually bothered, but she wasn't thrilled either, to me her attitude all along was "oh, ok", just surprised and nothing else. Which yes, isn't a bad thing itself, but not a good one either. I don't feel any motivation to talk again with this girl, and not feeling particularly motivated either to talk with the other one. Right now I'm seeing the whole thing as pointless because even if I was somehow capable of facing my fears, the reason behind those fears it's till there, and being extremely powerful. I still can't stop thinking of what will others think of me, as you can see I still have my self esteem in the gutter, and I think that I can try to talk that way with any amount of girls, just to feel the same way afterwards because my worries will still be there unless I change my mindset first, something I'm quite clueless about how to do it. Actually the original idea was to just say hi to the girls. I thought asking for the hour would make it less random. I still think it's a good idea, but unfortunately nothing will really work since I'm still obsessed whit what would they think of me, which I can never imagine as being something good. Although I have the slight impression that one of the girls has noticed that I glance at her and she doesn't seem bothered by it, but all the opposite. But that doesn't mean much to me since I've been wrong about making those conclusions before.
I really don't know what to do next. if anything I feel that after today I've giving up on approaching complete strangers until I talk again with the psych.
Monkey man
You know, I had an appointment more than a week ago, but I wasn't fully focused so I left out a lot of the things that have been bothering me. Since then I just couldn't find the motivation to write about it in detail. Basically I still have the same fears and she told me to act despite them. It basically only worked out for me to feel very frustrated and mad to myself for being such a wuss. I just don't feel capable to approach a complete, total and absolute stranger, I feel I'm stuck in the worst possible situation fir my problem, and don't have the slightest palliative. I've checked, there are simply not any groups of my interest in my country where I could met people. I feel I reached a stalemate, and I don't know what's going to happen, I don't have any optimism and I think when my therapist sees this attitude when will give up on me because I don't have the will to do my part and help myself.
It seems to me that everyone here likes go drinking and clubbing. And the few nerds that are around seem to be only into anime and role playing games, and none of those are my thing. There's my university's exchange program, which-is how I hope to get a job abroad after school. But if I don't know somebody there I don't see it happening after that, and the prospect of just sit and wait to get lucky like some guy I know, until I'm on my late 20s, it really really sucks, including that I never get lucky. So I realize how screwed I am unless I beat my fears, but what can I do, I DON'T feel capable. It really frutrates me being in this situation.
Monkey man
Last Friday I had a new appointment with the psychologist. First she asked me about school, and when I said I passed all my courses she told me she knew I was going to make it even if I had trouble with one class. Then she asked me for one of the assignments I had which was having my life plan for the next 5 years. I told her which is basically finishing school, hopefully studying abroad and definitely moving abroad after school, she asked me if by then I saw myself with someone, I told her I see two scenarios, being indeed with someone or being bitter and alone, all depending if I'm able to overcome my issues right now or not. Then she made a weird question, she asked me if I saw myself having kids, I told her that not at all, so she asked me "ok, picture this: you just finished your studies, have had a girlfriend for six months, and she tells you she's 4 moths pregnant, what would you do?" I told her I would make my best effort to be a good father if that ever happens. She answered "what if she's not four but only two months pregnant, would you consider an abortion?" I said that no, because for me outside the three cases allowed by the law here (health risk for the mom, health problem for the baby that wouldn't let him live and rape), I think that having an abortion just because someone doesn't feel like to raining a kid it's running away from a responsibility, even if it was because contraceptive failure, yet I believe that the final decision belongs to the mother, even if I'd disagree.
She didn't said more about it, and told me that as I has just seen, I'm quite capable of having a conversation with a woman and act pretty sure of myself. After that she told me that she had been thinking about me, specially that morning before the appointment, of how smart I am, and asked me if I thought that I'm smart, I doubted it a couple seconds and said yes, she answered "good, now you're accepting it". She asked me if I had any business ideas that involved my career, and I told her this silly idea I've had. It goes like this; there are these programs to make digital sculptures, and my brother, like myself, is a big fan of dinosaurs. We always notice how flawed usually are dinosaur toys, so I was thinking, my brother can use this software to create his anatomically correct sculptures of dinosaurs. And then I can take that file and transfer it to the university's 3D printer, either as a prototype or a mould, and with that try to start a tiny business of toys.
Here she made clear that she was thinking earlier about how smart I am because she was with a couple patients that weren't particularly brilliant but were making big money after using ideas others had gave them, and she didn't wanted that to happen to me. She told me to write for her a formal business proposal, so I would have something to focus on and feel good about. Moving on from that, she insisted again on how much of a good catch I am and even told me that she would like to be my wingman except that since he's a girl then other girls may tough I'm with her and wouldn't pay that much attention to me <_<, also said "or there are a couple patients of mine that I'd introduce you to but they still need work on their own". I don't think that's even allowed, but I doubt was being serious there anyway. Then she gave me another reading to check, and she even mentioned this local saying of "girls like to rehabilitate hobos" which is about girls who like jerks, her point was emphasizing that I'm a good catch.
To finish, I told her that I had been beating myself up for not having talked with anyone else, and she told me to be cool about it, that she understood that I was still too anxious and insecure about it and needed first more work on myself. That relieved me a lot.
Monkey man
This time I had my appointment right on time since instead of having another patient before me the psychologist came back from lunch. She started by asking me what I've been up to, and she was glad to know my graduation project is keeping me busy so I don't just stay idle at home. Then she asked me about my main assignment, which was the formal business proposal. I explained her that I didn't do it it since after the initial research, first, I found out that to work with plastics there doesn't seem to be a middle ground between big industrial machinery and amounts of material, and the ridiculously small amounts managed by a hobby purposed apparatus, that merely can work to make pieces of the size of a button; and second, my lack of experience on industrial matters, since I haven't had a real engineering job, things that ended up discouraging me and making me consider my idea as not something worth looking much into. She pointed out that I had given up on defeatist and immobilizing thoughts, but also told me a couple things to motivate me to follow up my idea. She mentioned some government programs aimed at the aid of entrepreneurs, where if well sold, they may link my idea with the appropriate businessmen and industries to carry it on. She also gave me a real example of someone who made a successful enterprise without business experience or formation, and encouraged me to look out on the aid programs and making the business proposal.
Next she asked me about the assigned reading, which was basically a chapter of a book that examined how the western concept of love it's a limited one and the Greeks had two more appropriate words for it; Eros for the passion and physical attraction, and Agape for the intellectual attraction, the affection and companionship. The reading explained how many relationships that start because of the eros end up failing because of the lack of agape. The psych told me that in general lines most men are more interested in the former, specially when they're young, while most women are more focused in the later. She asked me about the attitudes I perceived from my classmates, and I told her how I actually have never heard them mentioning a woman for something like an accomplishment or a talent, but only because and about her looks. She told me that women are aware of this and how they dislike it very much, then asking me which qualities of an "ideal" guy who would represent both aspects of love to her partner I would have. With some hesitation, since I still don't feel comfortable saying good things about myself, I said that I'm in no position of rouse any passion since I can't even get myself noticed in the first place, but that I can be a good listener, show empathy and be supportive. There she decided to have a look at that by setting up a quick role playing where she would be a hurt woman telling me why she was crying; she made up a little story about a woman who was planning to move with her boyfriend of two years, but right before that he admitted that while he was away doing his internship as medicine student he had cheated on her because he felt alone, but that she still had feelings for him and didn't knew if go ahead with the moving or not. I told her that I wouldn't be telling her what to do, but to consider that as a doctor he'll probably be very busy and spend more time with his coworkers than with her, so he wasn't unlikely of "feeling alone" again. She asked me what I thought of cheating and I answered what I've always thought, that if someone can't just stop and realize he had a very strong to be with someone else, so instead of talking that out with their partner they give up and cheat, that means that two key elements on a relationship like commitment and trust are gone, and pretty much same thing for the relationship. Here she said "There you go, you know how men think, you did listened well and showed that you care, and although you tend assume the worst case scenario when it comes about yourself, you aren't clueless about how women in general think", and told me that many of her patients and friends complain how they can't find a men who personality wise, would be me.
Once again she emphasized that once I make an initial approach, and manage to start a conversation, the girl will be the one most likely leading it and I'll have to do little more than listen to her. But knowing that I'm on vacation time and not being around many people she said that by now she wanted to give me a little assignment to see how I feel about my loneliness beyond the feeling bad at home. So she told me to go and watch a movie in a theatre by myself, during a weekend where it's more crowded so it would make me more anxious, and she wants me to pay attention to how do I feel in that environment where the rest of the people is there with company, and what thoughts came in. From the options I have I think I would like to see Pacific Rim since the tumblr nerds loved it, and I do like the movies of Guillermo del Toro, although I'm not sure if it'll be on screen by this weekend. While she was printing my referral for the next appointment I told her how I'm worried that once I get a job, and how I'll start studying too shortly afterwards, I won't have time to do almost nothing except on weekends where I'll be exhausted and with homework anyway, not to mention how engineering it's a male dominated field, so I'm feeling hopeless about meeting women even if I wasn't anxious about approaching them. She reminded me that most people are pretty busy professionally, and yet they have time for a relationship, that there still will be female students at college and every enterprise has female employees even if it's an industry, and I would be able to at least have female friends who would have their own female friends who I could eventually meet, but most important, I just can't know how it would be so I can't be hopeless, not that I raise expectations, simply to wait and see what would happen by then. She told me to see her again on a month or less once I had made my assignments.
Monkey man
I don't know how to do it, I don't want to do it.
I won't do it.
When the psychologist asked me if I had a business idea I mentioned the toys thing because it was the closest to a business idea I've had but it was only a thought, but I've never taken it seriously, I still don't do it, and I don't see any future to it.
Too bad to disappoint her, but that idea has only brought me stress. I hate business matters, just googling through those websites looking for instructions on how to do it caused me a mental block. I'm not overly happy about failing with this, but also I'm not feeling that well about therapy itself, I don't feel any progress at all on my issues, I'm incapable of facing my fears and I don't know for how long I'll be stuck in an environment that doesn't help me in the slightest. She had said it herself, she can't help me if I won't help myself. And I don't know how to, the only way to do it seems unlikely, the worst case scenario, and according to this forum a good deal of women would hate to be approached my a complete stranger so I don't have anything to do.
Also once I turn 25 (in 2 months) I won't have medical insurance coverage from my parents. Unless I have a job by then, which I should but with mu shitty luck I'm starting to doubt I will, that means therapy it's over, no to mention that I could be set up with a different insurance company which also would mean bye to her.
I don't like to be all whining and no solutions but seriously, what the f**k can I do?
I've read your posts here and it sounds like you actually have made a lot of progress. It seems as though you aren't giving yourself enough credit. Even though things haven't really HAPPENED yet, you are trying and that's what's important. It's not really the results that matter - it's more about the process. I know that sounds really cheesy, but I think when it comes to overcoming anxiety, it's true. I think it would be really useful if you could tell your therapist exactly what you wrote above, about how bad you feel about yourself and your progress. I think she needs to know this so that she can direct your therapy in a more useful direction. If you already have spoken to her about it, it might be good to reiterate your feelings again.
Monkey man
Coffee
Thank you. It's always good to know I'm not just writing to the wind in this thread.
Today I had another appointment. After a somewhat annoying line to make a mandatory register at the medical centre (where I paid the usual equivalent of about 1USD per appointment), and a delay of half an hour over the time of the appointment, this one started. The psychologist asked me how I've been and I told her that mostly somewhat busy with my graduation project, once again she was glad that I was doing something productive that also distracted me. When she asked me about the business assignment, I basically explained her what I had posted here yesterday, of how I just couldn't get myself to do it since I never really took seriously my proposed idea, stating that I felt ashamed of failing this assignment too. She just heard me and didn't make comments about it, instead she asked me about the assignment of going alone to see a movie. I told her how I tried twice and how the first time there were little people in the theatre since it was too early, and the second time I was too stressed on making it all on time to that day also work a little on my graduation project, arrive at time for the movie and not getting home too late for me to really care about the other people around me.
She was very interested on how I limited myself to watch the movies early to avoid arriving at home after sunset. She asked me why I did this and I told her that if I arrived after sunset the excuse of me doing academic work would start to crumble and it would become apparent that I was trying to hide something. She asked me why would I want to hide what I was doing, and I mentioned that first, my parents would start pestering as usual about how dangerous is to be out at night hours, as well as how they would start inquiring me about why I'm doing something so highly unusual for me which is going alone to watch a movie. The psychologist asked me about my brother and I told her that he's way more extroverted than me (which doesn't mean he's that extroverted, almost anyone else without social anxiety -- and a handful of those who have it -- would me more extroverted than me), and that although he got quite pestered by my parents when he was in college for arriving late and drunk, the nagging has eased off to just some snarky remarks now that he's working. Here she told me that it called her attention how even at home with my nuclear family I severely limit myself acting in order of what will others think of me. She asked me how sure I was that I would get nagged by arriving earlier than my brother, sober, and giving them an idea of what was I doing. Not that sure of course. So she tells me that since I couldn't yet open up inside, we would try inside, ie, at home. After asking me which parent do I trust and talk to the most (my mummy, of course), she gave me a two-part assignment. First, I have to choose any activity I want with a duration of at least two hours, and it has to be at a time where I'll end up coming home between 8 and 9 pm. The next day (since my parents are usually sleeping already, I'm not kidding), I will tell my mum about what I did, and after that talk I will give her a little detail, like a snack she might like very much (I'll have to investigate about that because due to her age she has to watch what she eats), and after that give her a strong hug. Doing all those things it's quite out of the norm for me, and that's the idea, to act despite all my fears of what my parents may think about it. She also wants me to be very aware and register how I feel when hugging my mum - I rarely do it- and if that brings me memories of the last time I felt comfortable and happy being affectionate with her.
Then she asked me if I had questions and I told her that I'm still suffering from envy issues. She told me that obviously I'll have these feelings since I'm lonely, and suggested me to try to channel that frustration towards motivation to accomplish challenges like saying hi to a girl. Here I started to feel somewhat disappointed because I was expecting an advice in order for me to avoid that envy, and also at this point she didn't seem to be fully focused on what I was saying, the impression I got was that she was taking the appointment as finished and wanted me to leave already. At that time I also was feeling anxious by just thinking in the new assignment, so I forgot to tell her about the incoming problem of me turning 25 and how that might change my insurance company bringing therapy to an end. All the way from there to college was an awful mix of anxiety and frustration.
Monkey man
I tried to make an appointment with the psychologist and they changed the system. I had to call some place else where I was in hold for ten minutes. Since it was my first time there they asked me all the personal info they should already have in the system, and thing started to look awry when they told me that the nearest appointment was for October 31st. I accepted having no other option, but when they confirmed me the data they said that the appointment was with some guy I've never heard about. I asked about my doctor and they said the guy was the available one. I complained that I needed to continue the treatment with my doctor and they said that was a thing of my insurance company, they were only the hospital. I called again where I used to call before and when they told me again to call no to the hospital, I explained my problem and asked what would happen with my treatment then, they said I had to continue with that guy and then I might have an appointment in the future with my previous doctor. I asked what happened with her and they told me that currently she's only seeing pregnant women. I doubt she had much to do about it, some fecking bureaucrat reassigned her and screwed the treatment for who knows how many patients she had. I hung up, yelled a curse as loud as I could and then I cried for some minutes.
Reply With Quote
