
nothing
This is a dumb idea, but I'm posting this garbage anyway. The only reason I can post honestly about this is because I've been drinking and taking alprazolam.
I'm really directionless, I don't know where to go from here. I keep thinking, obsessing really, about women. I'm really lonely and I crave female attention. Not just sex, it's more than that, I want love. it's really all I want. When I think of it I get so afraid, I just know that no woman would want me. On August 9th I'll be 35. I have no job, not since 2002. I live with my mother. I have no hobbies/interests. What would we talk about? How could that mess be desirable?
I know I've been making progress, but I'm still so damn afraid of life. I can't let go of the anger towards the one woman (girl when it happened) that RUINED my confidence and self-esteem. I hate that [BEEP] so much. I know I need to let it go, but I can't seem to do it.
I have trouble being completely open with my therapist. I don't lie, but I hold back quite a bit. Another shrink I went to ove a decade ago was awful and as soon as I opened up completely, she stopped seeing me. That bitch, I think her key demographic was spoiled housewives with mild depression and she couldn;t handle the truth's I was letting out.
I have so much anger, resentment and fear. I don't want to hate myself anymore, I don't want to be lonely. I just want love, damn it, I need it SO bad. I don't see it ever happening, why would a woman love me? I do have a tremendous amount of love to offer and I'd be so attentive and supportive in a relationship, but I can;t get past the fact that I'd be a shitty provider; I don't even have a job. My idea of what women are looking for in a man is so skewed, I know this. TV and movies have not been a good pplace to base my ideals on, but I have ZERO interaction/experience with real women because they frighten me. I can;t take any more humiliation or rejection. Going through life to this point and never having even been on a date with a woman is so ridiculous, I hate myself so much for being a failure.
I don't know, maybe I should get drunk and on pills before my next therapist appointment so I will be able to just unload all of this on her, otherwise I'm pretty tight-lipped because it's humiliating to be almost 35 and never have had the experiences that most people have when they're in their early teens.
I forget what else I was going to say, I'm drinking blueberry moonshine and chewing up alprazolam like there;s no tommorw so I don't know, I just don;t know. If I can;t ever have love then why the [BEEP] can;t I stop wanting it so badly?? I hate life sometimes and I just want this [BEEP] to stop.