Random Thought of the Day

[Nyctophilia]

So I was reading and I was enjoying what I was reading and then my mind just started to ruminate on 'all the things I never say to my dad that are a continuing ongoing issue in our relationship (tm)'

Mostly his excessive concern again when I went to the concert. I made it worse I think by responding to his texts more times than I planned to while travelling. I was bored and he was responding but I have to desensitise him and that means essentially parenting him in reverse (super healthy lol, but I guess unfortunately a lot of kids have to do this with their parents.)

Here's the thing right he has expressed a couple of times lately that he worries that he was overprotective of me and my brother when we were growing up so it's obviously on his mind. I don't remember this particularly though with maybe a couple of exceptions as a teenager. I didn't exactly give him many reasons to act in that way though. I didn't drink/do drugs/date anyone during that time. One time he got mad/really concerned because I closed some web pages I was looking at when he came in the room and he was really suspicious of what I was doing when I did that and I refused to show him. READING GAY PORN DAD. (No I really was. I often was lol.) Doubt he would have approved lol.

Then I moved away to uni. He did try to dissuade me from doing that one time when he was drinking because he wanted me to stay local by suggesting that my ability to draw wasn't good which was really only tangentially related to what I was studying tbh and he wasn't wrong about that. This is another of those examples but I didn't see that as protective of course, so much as controlling/wanting me around for his own benefit.

So to go back to the reverse parenting thing the reason it's been particularly annoying is during that period I did stuff all the time and sometimes I'd text my parents and tell them things but I wasn't in contact with them as often and I don't remember ever being requested to update them on things. There was one point where I went to a concert in Birmingham and stayed in a hotel overnight. Maybe I've just forgotten but I'm pretty sure he didn't ask me to text him anything about it. So it's annoying to now be doing it even in early 30s when in early adulthood I mostly skipped past it.

Then later after uni he got concerned about me going to concerts in London. Eventually he calmed down a bit about that the last several times I've been I don't think I texted him at all or that he asked me to do that. But he's intermittently worried about things. Now this is new so if I do stuff like this more often maybe it will be easier.

He is affecting my ability to do stuff negatively though. And I'm going to have to bring at least this much up with him at some point. Like I would definitely be more impulsive than I am, if I wasn't thinking about his feelings.

So when I got to the venue he texted this:

I am really proud of you for having the confidence to do this, although still get worried as your still my little girl in my head.

And I stopped reading after 'little girl' and tried to suppress the instant feeling of... It's difficult to describe but absolutely horrible. Like I want to crawl out of my skin. Let's just round it down to gender dysphoria but there's lots of things packaged together. Reading it again now he said 'in my head' which I guess makes it better. I was thinking about that text again while I was trying to read.

I was a bit anxious about this trip because I have social anxiety, and it's the first time I've gone to a concert in a few years. Certain forms of transport here were relatively new to me so I knew I'd have to figure that out, juggling lots of stuff. But I just don't want the excessive worry from others.

I have to compartmentalise and try to seperate myself from his perception/thoughts etc but it's difficult for me to do that. And it also feels wrong because I feel on some level I should be open with him but I don't want to be. I feel such self discomfort with being myself and expressing myself in real life with people that it's easier to default to the mask. But then it's sad because he's never going to know me. He doesn't even know that I'm non-binary. Will I regret that one day? I dunno. It feels comfortable for him not to know me for now. I start to panic when related political topics even come up in discussion. Anything that feels remotely personal in real life is just a no go with everyone but especially him. I'm just never comfortable.

Also my brother has brought up before how we all have communication issues with each other (everyone in this family.) Like he just started talking about some stuff and I don't remember it all but essentially that he was trying to overcome this a bit since if ever did have his own family he didn't want it to be like this haha no. Of course not. My parents were always bad at communicating with each other too.

On the way back he texted a bunch of times. I hadn't planned how I was going to get back to my house from this one place, and even though I assured him I would figure out a way to get back home from where I was (again before getting on the coach,) and didn't need him to give me a lift from this one place to my house he still only got about 4 hours sleep waking up 'just in case I needed a lift,' then he informed me he was following the coach online to find out when it arrived and follow it in-between if he woke up. Then he texted me again when I got to where I was going saying he could give me a lift again. Told him I'd just text him when I got home so he went back to bed.

At this point I'm thinking mobile phones and modern technology in general was a fucking mistake. Because in the past people would just have to fucking deal with not being constantly updated. They'd have no choice. Also he's brought up before how his mum used to worry about him a lot (as a defense for his feelings,) and there was no technology for him to be using at the time and he still did whatever the [BEEP] he wanted I imagine.

And I'm trying also to think 'OK well I'm mentally ill. And clearly this is mental illness too. He has all kinds of issues that he probably doesn't even know are issues and some he does because he's from an older generation and he's never even seen a therapist once.' (Actually maybe he did in prison.) And he has his own trauma (that I won't go into but it is relevant.) That I think effects his view of things too.

But it's just the incompatibility between the stuff that fucks with me and the stuff that fucks with him. Because I hate feeling infantilised or like I'm disabled or like I'm young. Which is people's perception of me most of the time because I'm not neurotypical I have weird body language I think, I'm socially anxious obviously which makes me appear younger, a couple of people have asked if I'm autistic. I'm short, I have neotenic features, I don't wear makeup so that's a big thing. I don't pass as male so people perceive the kind of vibe I give off as young because that's what they do if you don't pass as male and you don't embrace femininity. Everything about me really makes people think that and I absolutely fucking hate it.

Interestingly my mum knowing I was going the night before spoke to me and asked me to text her when I got there and back and this didn't really bother me. Perhaps because she hadn't been expressing worry to me for weeks. And also maybe because it actually felt more like 'well it would be nice but you don't have to' instead of 'my entire mental well being depends on you doing this.' But also perhaps because we don't talk as much these days and I sometimes feel like I should reach out to her more, or want to because we've gotten more awkward over the past few years. We used to be closer though.

And I haven't explored this fully so just kind of writing what pops into my head but I imagine the gender aspect is definitely relevant too because my mum is a woman so I guess if she worries whatever. But with my dad there's the always feeling that his worry is an attempt to control/dominate etc. Maybe that's unfair/sexist but he's tried to do that before at least once (trying to talk me out of going to uni,) so. And I'm not convinced he really feels the same about my brother.

I always thought this contributed to Sylvia Plath's general distress and suicide.

"I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in my life. And I am horribly limited."

Being born a woman is my awful tragedy. From the moment I was conceived I was doomed to sprout breasts and ovaries rather than penis and scrotum; to have my whole circle of action, thought and feeling rigidly circumscribed by my inescapable femininity. Yes, my consuming desire to mingle with road crews, sailors and soldiers, bar room regulars — to be part of a scene, anonymous, listening, recording — all is spoiled by the fact that I am a girl, a female always in danger of assault and battery. My consuming interest in men and their lives is often misconstrued as a desire to seduce them, or as an invitation to intimacy. Yet, God, I want to talk to everybody I can as deeply as I can. I want to be able to sleep in an open field, to travel west, to walk freely at night…” (The Journals of Sylvia Plath, 77).

There is another version of this quote floating around which is the one I'm familiar with that is different in a very subtle but significant way. And in the other quote she says:

'all is spoiled by the fact that I am a girl, a female, always supposedly in danger of assault'

according to what is generally assumed or believed (often used to indicate that the speaker doubts the truth of the statement).

I don't know which version is accurate.

But most people read this quote as 'Women are constantly under threat.' Like this website I just found:

These words written by the eighteen-year-old Sylvia Plath in the summer of 1951 sound horribly contemporary. Her yearning for unconditional access to public space, to feel safe, to do what she wants when she wants without men interfering or threatening her, is the same old story that spawns through the years decade after decade.

There is rarely a time when women’s bodies are safe or free from scrutiny or judgement. Any body. Any shape, size, colour, age, physical ability, physical wellness, dressed or undressed. It is hard to know what the female body would be that managed to escape this critical, threatening surveillance. But the female body does not exist in a vacuum, it exists at multiple points of intersection. A white woman’s body is rarely safe. A Black woman’s body is even less safe. A transwoman’s body is extremely high risk. A lesbian body is unsafe (especially if it is a lesbian body showing affection to another lesbian body in public space). The intersections are endless, but they all amount to the same thing: lack of safety.

Location too. All of these women's bodies are not safe in public space. A woman can be going about her day-to-day business; shopping, at a concert, walking down the street, and be violated. That could be verbally, or physically. All uninvited, often unexpected, always shocking. Many women feel unsafe walking home, especially late at night. But many women are frightened to take a taxi alone at night. Public transport, busier, could be seen as safer, but the last time I was on a night train, a man stood in front of me and dropped his trousers. I won’t use night trains. So, for many, if we’re out at night, we don’t want to walk home alone, we don’t want to get a cab, and we can't get public transport without feeling uncomfortable or unsafe.

Could be but is it likely? Is it likelier than men being attacked? (No it isn't.)

Is there any space where women can feel comfortable? "…to have my whole circle of action, thought and feeling rigidly circumscribed by my inescapable femininity." Increasingly I think, no. There is no truly safe, comfortable space for women to escape from all of this in day-to-day life. From male strangers, friends, lovers, family members. Yes, I know it isn’t "all men". But it doesn’t need to be all men for so many women to be, and feel, unsafe. It is suffocatingly depressing. Because in the end what all women are entitled to is to live as freely as many men enjoy. To be able to fulfil Plath’s 1951 longing, that she never achieved, and that so many of us never will either:

Headlines too the guardian is abysmal (I didn't really need another reason to dislike you after the random transphobia.)

When will women feel safe on UK streets?

For women to feel safe in public spaces, men's behaviour has to change

he disappearance of Sarah Everard while she walked through Clapham, south London, at 9pm on 3 March gives horrific shape to the hum of fear that women constantly feel in public spaces. My social media timelines are full of women who are distressed by Sarah’s disappearance, and terrified that it could have been them. Men have asked what they can do to help women feel safer. But what’s needed beyond the education of individuals are urgent political solutions to counter men’s attempts to claim public spaces as their exclusive domain.

I just consider the statistical likelihood and that usually helps a lot.

Calling all men: this is what we can do to help women feel safe exercising in the dark

One in every five women is concerned about sexual harassment when exercising - and three in 10 have experienced it first-hand, while doing physical activity, mostly in streets and parks. And we know that people will not do something – whether that’s walking or cycling to school, or jogging before work – if they do not feel safe doing so.

As a father, I think very differently about the safety of my two daughters compared to that of my sons;

I was looking for a specific article title from a while back that I thought was particularly insane but I couldn't remember exactly what it was. I can't find it but as you can see I found plenty of other trash all from the guardian of course.

One time I pointed out the low statistical chance of being attacked by a stranger to someone on another forum who was worried (an anxiety forum too,) and this guy who was very mentally unstable came along and said something along the lines of: 'don't try to dismiss her fears just because of your gender bullshit.' I've spoken about him before he was the guy who was convinced I was a heartless, psychopathic pedophile support. Also a transphobe. Also had a crush on me and even after he'd decided he hated me still decided to comment about how attractive he found me when I posted a picture.

It's like I'm from another species/planet lol. And I feel almost bad for going against them because clearly this is what they all need. You people have absolutely nothing to offer me.

"Pourquoi je ne suis pas feministe"

Though of course most conservatives are exactly the same. Two sides of the same coin.

Aella on twitter doesn't get this either. Possibly to an even greater extent than me. Since I do think concern is massively overblown but still have an anxiety disorder. I don't think it's backed up well by statistics not where I live. Men are way more likely to be attacked by strangers. So it makes more sense to scrutinise the people who get close to you, not to worry about random people when you're out and about.



Something else kind of morbid on the train I noticed. Many stations had links to mental health support numbers etc obviously because a lot of people who decide to kill themselves throw themselves in front of trains.

[Nyctophilia]

Yeah so I ended up rewatching the long version of that Jordan Peterson talk after linking it yesterday:



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KxGPe1jD-qY

Oh my God there's a point in this video about 42:30 minutes in where it almost seems like he's making the case that the reason Canadians don't have creative/aesthetic looking buildings is because Canadians are nice/bland.

It's funny how he criticises Canadians for being nice. He has this real issue with 'niceness.' My favourite teacher was from Minnesota and that's not Canada but there's a similar kind of stereotype associated with that state and he was very friendly and bubbly I would say. Also at one point he threw pizza parties for people who passed maths tests but the head teacher nixed that idea because other students in other classes might get envious.

English stereotypes - moreso the South are like: Cold, unfriendly, reserved/unemotional, repressed, sarcastic, cynical. You don't want everyone to be like that. There's an extreme kind of... Lack of optimism? Here and it's not always fun. And that was something that having an American teacher exposed me to more than anything because you don't necessarily notice but he was so bubbly compared to most people. I came across an English person online who was talking about how they moved to America and how they liked the attitudes of people there more. I can't remember exactly what they said but I think it was something along the lines of they don't crush dreams as much and are less negative.

Our new buildings these days (over the past several decades,) are also often less 'aesthetic' imo. The reason Canada doesn't have more aesthetic looking buildings is because it's a reasonably new country. So 'medieval German villages' aren't going to crop up. Neither are castles. Stuff that often required a lot of work over a longer period of time also not happening. There's some gothic revival architecture apparently. This issue seems to exist in lots of Western countries including Western Europe. I think there are several things going on personally:

Practicality and I think the avoidance of pretension. Kind of ashamed of itself so architecture reflects that.

The kind of 'hypernormalisation' thing where people adjust to increasing deprivation. Fascinated by decay etc.

People are living more transiently and also online now so probably less focus on something so material.

A fixation on masculinity aesthetically. So lots of stuff is quite blocky with lots of edges, and once again utilitarian. This is the same thing people complain about in regards to Western video games - but only when it comes to female characters because women are less visually demanding on average. (I mean because it's mostly men complaining.)

I don't care because I think it's unreasonable to demand that all fictional characters be beautiful and in some cases that even breaks immersion for everyone to be conventionally attractive. At least for me, just look at the CW network. I think that's the network. Why do they all look like models on all the shows? It feels like there's a lack of character. I don't suppose it helps that the acting and writing is also often bad on a lot of these sorts of shows. The Roswell sequel. And I kept watching it - nearly quit - but continued on but it's mostly awful. But even the original had numerous flaws. Damn I wanted that to be good so bad as well. Desert, aliens. So many boxes. ticked. Why is it not more like Buffy. But yes if you want attractive 3D characters look to Japanese games. And nobody cared about this lol until 2014ish as I've said before. They were more focussed on gameplay.

Back to architecture - at the same time a kind of shift away from naturalistic styles I think. Compared to say (just an excuse to talk about one of my favourite styles hahaha,) art nouveau. Which is more feminine and naturalistic imo:



So people don't tend to like stuff that deviates from that because Humans evolved in nature.

Some stuff that's quite harsh/austere can be pretty interesting though. Like this one image I saw that looked like it comes out of a Star Wars film or something. It was a building interior, may have been a church. Probably not going to be able to find the image now. People were criticising it because they didn't like it I think but I thought it was interesting though it's also possible I've just recreated it a bit in my memory haha.

I think H.R. Giger's work is very interesting. I didn't actually continue with it but I wanted to create a kind of 3D model of a gothic cyberpunk kind of cathedral thing and at that time I was very inspired by his work. I first stumbled on his work I think in the Tate Modern in the gift shop actually lol. I think so anyway? Not in the actual gallery lol.

So he created the alien from the Alien film series, and was also part of the special effects team on that film. But he has a lot of other interesting work.





Makes use of a lot of organic forms combined with industrial imagery like pipes etc.

I think the Sedlec Ossuary is quite interesting too. I don't know when I first became aware of that place I kind of wanted to go there. It reminds me of his work a bit:





^ this is the bar in the HR Giger museum.

So of course lots of people are now generating various AI images based on his work that's popping up in results too. He was kind of like AI before AI in a way lol.

This bedroom image is pretty interesting I think:



https://www.reddit.com/r/midjourney/...r_giger_house/

Though some of the images I saw in that reddit post I don't care for so much because they seem very smooth. I think that's what's bugging me maybe. Part of it at least.

I am not a big fan of grey so it's a lot more grey then I'd want most of those images. It's the shapes etc that are more appealing there or at least visually interesting. Lately people around here have been buying these new doors - there are a couple with a similar design - all grey. I noticed this one house while out for a walk that was relatively new and entirely grey. Just far too much grey. And the shops that have been remodelled recently shades of grey.

Why is everyone making their homes grey?

Oh good so it's not just me.

Grey is the modern beige, remember in the 90s where it seemed every interior designer just used biege?

But HR Giger's work is an interesting link to the past because it's kind of gothic but it's also futuristic. You get like all these cables and wires that are kind of like vines as well. You can't just recreate the same forms over and over and over and over again. So just going back to the medieval villages etc doesn't seem like it will work out.

That's also why Brutalist architecture can be more interesting when you throw in a bunch of plants because then you get the juxtaposition. But also this is a kind of focus for me because I always liked the idea of nature reclaiming buildings to the point of I think once writing a weird cringe poem and that kind of fight but also the attempt to integrate these things. You know like my weird sexual fantasies about plant elves with the Humans representing technology etc. It's all very cliche. All very already done. Not a great idea for a concept at this point James Cameron (Avatar) - Japanese writers do it a lot better every time.

Also like urban decay generally though. I've often been living right in the 'hypernormalisation brain state.' Probably inevitable given where I grew up.

This is what I mean:



This is also part of the millennial mindstate too though I mean millennials became more focussed on activism, but they still have that focus generally on experience over objects and the material so.

I didn't get a chance to see this despite being there days ago but I saw it while looking around google maps. Also kind of interesting:

The Tower of Light is a 40-metre tall tower supporting and enclosing flues for a new low-carbon energy centre in Manchester?s city centre. The biomimetic structure has built on the decade-long innovation and research, Shell Lace Structure, pioneered by Tonkin Liu and developed in collaboration with engineers at Arup. Learning from geometries in nature, the tower's form is its strength.

Shell Lace Structure is a unique technology using biomimicry to abstract principles from natural structures, specifically mollusc shells. Below are some of the projects that have involved the application of the technique, the result of thirteen years of intense practice-based research in collaboration with engineers at Arup and scientists at the Natural History Museum.

Mmhmm. It's also a little like Gandalf the White's staff. Also again kind of futuristic.

Also all this being said I do agree with him that hell is dropped ceilings and fluorescent lights. I greatly dislike fluorescent lighting. edit: Well, no hell is twitter. But if twitter had lighting it would be fluorescent. And I've always compared large social media sites like twitter to shopping malls. They're kind of the spiritual virtual successor to the mall. Malls have more soul now that they've become slightly gothic ironically:



No not that mall goth lol one of the other gothics.

[Otherside]

Been out of the loop lately, but wtf France right now?

[Doseone]

Yeah I wish I remembered more of mine, I've had some pretty great ones before. Also some really interesting visual stuff at times. I also have way stronger emotional reactions in dreams for some reason which is nice. Towards other people too. It's like whatever weird barriers exist when I'm awake disappear I guess. Also no anxiety really lol.

I was wondering that about people with anxiety issues. I don't have SA in my dreams, either. I talk about things that I'm afraid to talk about in real life. Like, I remember telling my dad that I think his religious beliefs were wrong, but I wouldn't dare do that in real life.

Random thought: Pickles are amazing.

[Heelsbythebridge]

Level 1 customer service are the most frustrating, useless jobs in existence

Like buddy, I already looked that up myself. Tell me something I can't have just done on my own, what freaking use are you otherwise????

[Doseone]

Since I'm on the topic of dreams, I had a dream that these doctors were giving my ex-girlfriend DMT therapy via injection, but for whatever reason, they were putting it in my ear first.

[Nyctophilia]

Pride and Prejudice is pretty funny because a major part of the story is the Bennet's being so much less wealthy than various other characters and at one point Elizabeth's dad is like 'Lydia is too poor to be preyed upon by anyone in Brighton' or something like that, but they still live in this house that has to be worth like 2 million+ lmfao (in the 2005 film anyway.) The outside of the building seems larger than the inside but looks to be about 4-6 times the size of my parents place probably (it's hard to say exactly but much bigger. Actually it looks smaller in google photos than zoomed out in the film scene I'm looking at, but still big,) and my family are like lower middle class.

Also this:

Stately homes such as Rosings, Pemberley or Mansfield Park came with a small army of servants to keep them ticking like clockwork. However, in Longbourn, the Bennets have to make do with five servants (butler, cook, housekeeper, maid and scullery maid) for a household of seven.

Oh just 5?

Hilarious.

'Could you expect me to rejoice in the inferiority of your circumstances?'

The [BEEP] has 5 servants. Nobody I know who is my age can afford a house (at least not in this country.) 😂 They should remain this billionaires and multi-millionaires (seems equivalent to that.)

I do have a computer though. That makes me the wealthiest person in the 18th century probably or burnt at the stake either/or. I think they were still killing witches at that time. I'm 110% getting burnt at the stake in any of the relevant time periods. I think people in my hometown would have burnt me at the stake if it was the done thing in the 2000s lol.

You know people say 'building a PC' but you don't actually you're just putting a few bits and pieces together. I can't build a computer in the 18th century because I'd have to find a way to create every component. Just writing the most random sentences I can imagine now. 'I can't build a computer in the 18th century.' Or now actually (from scratch I mean,) but yeah.

edit:

10,000 pounds in 1860 is equivalent in purchasing power to about 1,555,646.80 pounds.

Oh my god I'm rich!

So maybe not killed looks like they continued to arrest people into the 20th century though:

Janet Horne was the last person in Britain to be tried and executed for witchcraft. In 1727 she and her daughter were arrested and jailed in Dornoch.

On the night of 19th January 1944, one of Helen's seances was raided by police, in her then hometown of Portsmouth where the Royal Navy?s Home Fleet was based. Officers attempted to stop the ectoplasm issuing from Helen's mouth, but failed. After some order had been restored, Helen was formally arrested.
[...]
In one of the most sensational episodes in wartime Britain, Duncan was eventually brought to trial at the Old Bailey in London and became the last person to be prosecuted under the Witchcraft Act of 1735, which had not been used for more than a century. After a seven-day trial, she was sentenced to nine months in London?s Holloway Prison. She was even denied the right to appeal to the House of Lords.

What would be the point of locking someone up for 9 months for witchcraft? We replaced this law with drug charges and social media posts lol.

In 1941, she spoke with a deceased sailor from HMS Barham and revealed that the ship had been sunk in the Mediterranean, although the War Office did not officially release this fact until several months later. The wartime government had been trying to hush up the loss of 861 British seamen when the German U-boat U331 torpedoed the ship.

It has been alleged that the real reason for the raid was due to the official paranoia surrounding the forthcoming D-Day Normandy landings and the fear that she may reveal the date, location and other details.

I've done more inconsequential things like this many times lol.

The police still do consult 'psychics' though. Insane.

[Nyctophilia]

The coolest dream I've had is one where I dreamt that I had a YouTube gaming channel with 2000 subscribers and then I started uploading gaming videos and eventually got 2000 subscribers (about 8 months later.) I have more than that now of course but that was pretty cool.

Quoting some posts from that sequence of events:

Post in thread about dreaming:

In the last one I remembered I had a dream that I had 2000 YouTube subscriptions on a gaming channel I had that doesn't exist, also there was some workshop place I think? Where I was hanging out at some point.

People underestimate the value of dreaming
That which you aspire to provides a roof, a ceiling
In particular, the dreams that there's no way of achieving
Like, "I wanna be Brad Pitt" or something equally fleeting

My ceiling is pretty low.

That being said I've never had more than 120 YouTube subscribers on any YouTube account.

October 2020:

Thanks I got two subscribers from my last video. I might hit 10 subscribers by the end of next year :')

Jan 2021:

Holy **** this video got over a hundred views last night alone for some weird reason. People have nothing better to do on new years eve I guess lol. I dunno why YouTube is suddenly pushing it so much also got a bunch of likes.

Just to illustrate how much this is just that one video I'm still on the same subscriber count and my other videos have gotten 3 views combined in 48 hours.

My very unrealistic goal right now is to get 2000 subscribers because I had a dream (like an actual dream when you sleep) before starting my channel that I had a gaming YouTube channel with 2000 subscribers. My first relationship started this way too and that didn't work out so lol... It's not even a large amount and I doubt I can even get to that lol.

It's actually not that weird. It took a while to be picked up but it was an essentially unique glitch. A couple of other people have had a vaguely similar one though even that is incredibly rare unless you're deliberately trying to get that to happen, but the particular way my game fucked up appears to be unique and very surreal/weird on top of that.

Someone who commented on my channel has a video with Baudrillard in the title, and I don't know why but that and the fact they commented on my video just cracked me up.

OK lol.

I don't have any goals that are realistically in my control at all. Like I would like to get 1000 subscribers and 4000 watch hours on my YouTube channel by late July

I have over 100 subscribers now I didn't think I'd get over 10 because I was stuck on 7 for months. And it kept going up down between 7/8 like I think it was like 7,8,7,8,7,8,7,8 at least that many times up and down.

March 2021:

I just finished editing a YT video. I think I might hit 1000 subscribers by the end of today which is pretty cool (I was hoping to reach that level by July.) It will be close anyway, I have 991 right now.

I got 1000 subscribers (and 7.5k watch hours so far)

I got 2000 subscribers sometime in April 2021 I believe.

September 2021:

More recently my friend sent me a YouTube video of someone crying with joy to something in a Sims game. I thought that seemed wholesome and then the YouTube algorithm started showing me more stuff from other creators in that community and many of them seemed quite nice which is so rare online. I started to think about possibly using my old gaming channel I made and never used to upload gaming videos. Then I had a dream where I had 2000 subscribers. Then I started uploading videos, and after several months one of them got quite a bit of attention and I now have over 2000 subscribers.

[Nyctophilia]

Oh good I'm glad this band t-shirt is loose. It looked like it was when he held it up at the merch stand but you can never be sure. I have some t-shirts with cool designs on actually like this one A Perfect Circle t-shirt in this design but a different cut (is that the word I'm looking for?):



But I can't really go back. I just prefer the way loose t-shirts look + they're not so tight so comfier. Maybe I'll buy that one in a looser style at some point though online (or at a future concert.) It wasn't available at the concert I went to.

I missed seeing Tool live last year. I'd like to see them one day but I don't think they're ever going to play a small or medium sized venue which sucks. I managed to see A Perfect Circle at a relatively small venue. It's just so much better than large stadiums etc imo.

[Doseone]

@Nyctophilia
That is pretty cool! Also, props on getting that many subscribers. I'm only at like 12. lol.

[Nyctophilia]

I've never read Lord Byron's wikipedia article before lol so started reading it after someone quoted him/Don Juan in a fanfic I was reading and ended up with a lot of thoughts as usual.

Complete aside before that though. I've never read Don Juan and my sole interest in it came from Spencer Reid info dumping about it in this video at 1:45 - or trying to but they all stare at him like 'why?' and so he stops 'actually I would like to hear this. How dare you get in the way of my special interests.' Lol. 'I don't even care about this show I only started watching it really so I could read fanfiction about Spencer Reid later. Then gave up at season 9. Although I eventually learnt to appreciate the dynamic between other characters a bit and some episodes were more interesting than others. But still why not go off on a 15 minute tangent?'

Byron's image as the personification of the Byronic hero fascinated the public, and his wife Annabella coined the term "Byromania" to refer to the commotion surrounding him.[44]

My thoughts: "So he was sort of the first rock star?"

His self-awareness and personal promotion are seen as a beginning of what would become the modern rock star; he would instruct artists painting portraits of him not to paint him with pen or book in hand, but as a "man of action."[44] While Byron first welcomed fame, he later turned from it by going into voluntary exile from Britain.[33]

Lol the very next sentence.

It's interesting though because you don't hear about that sort of thing further back often. Except maybe with fictional characters/Gods. Like Dionysus and Adonis had a lot of female fans.

Biographies were distorted by the burning of Byron's memoir in the offices of his publisher, John Murray, a month after his death and the suppression of details of Byron's bisexuality by subsequent heads of the firm (which held the richest Byron archive). As late as the 1950s, scholar Leslie Marchand was expressly forbidden by the Murray company to reveal details of Byron's same-sex passions.[44]

It's interesting to me how people obsess over certain archetypes of men historically and today and they're usually bisexual (when the guy isn't bisexual a bunch of people re-write him to be,) but then there's also an intense fear/dislike of it at the same time. What I'm wondering is why does this extreme bipolarity exist?

I was reading a thread yesterday that was kind of old on reddit. I can't remember what I was searching for now but it ended up coming up and so I started reading it. Well the OP itself had been deleted so I was reading through the comments. The original thread was something about a guy who I guess had come out as bisexual to his girlfriend and she hadn't taken it well. Also I think he wanted to be a femboy (based on certain comments/quotes.)

My gf doesn't like femboys and doesn't like the idea of me being bi

When I told her I think I might be bi she started basically breaking down and was asking me over and over to not be bi.

Seriously tho, why does people break down over the fact that your lover is bi? It's not like just being bisexually sudden means they love you less or want to two-timing right?
If people are worried about cheating... Is your bf leaving you for a man somehow worse than him leaving you for another woman?

Honestly a lot of people (maybe even most,) think that because imo female sexuality isn't taken seriously. Hence the double standards that exist and why lesbians are more insecure with bisexual women than gay men are with bisexual men.

It's not a response of logic, it's a response of visceral repulsion. The result of years of brainwashing by heteronormative society.

And since she said she may also be bi, I'd say it's also a result of suppressed self-loathing (caused by the heteronormative brainwashing you mentioned)

There seem to be two things going on here one is this kind of sense that men are disgusting and corrupting which leads to comments like Megan Fox saying this (and she's not the first person I've heard say this):

'I have no question in my mind about being bisexual.

'But I'm also a hypocrite.

'I would never date a girl who was bisexual, because that means they also sleep with men, and men are so dirty that I'd never want to sleep with a girl who had slept with a man.'

This isn't a feeling I've ever really had, so I'm wondering if it's more a secondary rationalisation that comes from feeling threatened in the first place.

And feeling threatened is the second thing. Like, people are way more defensive on average about their partners being around/with men. The exception to that is feminine heterosexual women who are insecure about their femininity who are more threatened by attractive women. But basically everyone else seems to mostly care about men.

In saying that it seems heterosexual men experience the most sexual jealousy according to research of any group. But I would be interested in seeing it broken down by the gender of person your partner cheated with etc as well as I imagine there will be a difference.

I mean I guess from an evo-psych pov it would make sense to be more sexually threatened by men not just for cultural reasons, but because they can get your partner pregnant. Obviously logically it doesn't make sense to care about that if you're genetically female because you can't get your partner pregnant (at least not in the traditional way you can use ivf now I guess,) so the whole competition makes no sense, and it makes even less sense if your partner isn't even genetically female but is male and you're genetically female but... Based on the whole mpreg thing in fiction and just the way people talk and stuff when they're expressing their desires about people sometimes. I don't know if that's how people's brains instinctively process things always.

But that's an evo-psych hypothesis. Obviously the sociological theory would be more like we live in a phallocentric culture that makes people take male sexuality more seriously than female sexuality which then affects how people view stuff like this.

I guess a third thing that could influence this is if you view being bisexual as feminine in men, and you want your partner to be masculine people in that situation would be put off by it. And of course he also wanted to be a femboy which she didn't like so that tracks in this situation.

This comment would bother certain people (not the OP someone else commenting):

I fought with this double standard since I was young. I've always know I was bi. I prefer sex with men but don't have a desire to be in a relationship with a guy.

But then if you care more about relationships than being sexually desirable it would bother you less, so depends on the person.

I don't know how he told her this (like how he worded it,) but I can imagine this part below would bother me a bit because of my own insecurities (I'm not saying it's right to be bothered by this I'm just saying that's how I'd probably feel instinctively because I don't have a dick. It's never happened to me but I'm imagining.) So I'm wondering if she felt similarly. Especially since her ex also crossdressed so it doesn't seem to be a coincidence and that doesn't seem to be the part that bothered her - little graphic:

I've considered many times in my life seeking a master to serve that would provide me with estrogen and completely feminize me. When I was young I did have a daddy that let me be feminine and gave me estrogen. That was the only time in my life I felt complete. Many Females claim to be bi and love to announce that to the world. My last gf a perfect example. After 5 years together I told her I was bi and cross dressed. And that wearing sexy things made me happy and that I loved Spoiler: sucking [redacted] and getting [redacted] and have been this way always. She didn't take this well at all. Considering that her son is gay. And her ex who I found out also is bi and loves dressing up. {We have a great time together and with friends} that she may be open minded. Not at all needless to say we are not together now. All we can do is in places such as this is meet people like us to share our thoughts with.

I think this in particular is probably more sociolocial because I didn't always feel the way I do now. It wasn't until I realised a lot of people prefer cis het men sexually (moreso people with this exact sexuality where they're into being feminised etc,) that it started to bother me more. Also it doesn't bother me as much now as it did a few years ago. I also think that it's incredibly ridiculous to be bothered about it at all because I'm too dysphoric and fucked up in various ways to have sex haha. So it's just an ego thing.

I also think because of a lack of education and social awareness nobody really prepares you for certain emotional reactions you're going to have if you're not in a heteronormative cishet relationship or attracted exclusively to people who are. So people just suddenly have these emotional reactions to things that they don't really understand and haven't processed at all and then have no idea how to deal with it, so deal with it very poorly.

This comment was funny because it's a ridiculous generalisation that doesn't always apply:

Maybe you should watch some supportive shows, games, and youtube videos with her. It sounds like she's been repressing things really hard and has a lot of internalized homophobia, so i think it would be best to try to calm her down, make her comfortable, and get her used to [BEEP] stuff. If she is bi, then once she accepts herself, she probably would love the idea of you being a femboy

Why assume that lol?

There's also uh.. I don't know if I deleted my post about it cba going back. Talking about this post I read on livejournal. In many ways it was quite illuminating. So I stumbled on this old LiveJournal community a while back. One guy posting there who described himself as a bi male top was lamenting that he couldn't find people who were like 'girlfags' now because he used to know a lot and honestly the label is terrible imo so. But anyway he also posted saying that he was looking for friends and people to share his sexual fantasies with.

To start out I should mention that I live in the United States. I am not originally from here, and I have also lived in Central America, South America and Europe. From the first time I learned the word Girlfag ( and how happy I was to finally put a name to a concept I had loved all my life), almost all the women identifying that way that I have come across have been European. But in recent years I have seen a sad diminishing of the number of online resources for people like me who are hoping to meet any girlfags.

lol anyway the post is graphic. I can't be bothered to try and paraphrase again. It's sort of impossible anyway. Just try to quote a few relevant bits:

I am polyamorous.[...]I rarely feel any sort of jealousy.

I'm a masculine man and any random person upon meeting me would probably assume I'm straight, but I have always been far from that. I am attracted to femininity but not necessarily in women. I have always been a lover of feminine bottom boys who like to be treated like the girl by a man. I am strictly a top and though my sexual appetite for boys is strong, I have tended more towards women romantically. I adore trans women as well and have had relationships with them in the past.

Just using spoilers for graphic parts can't really remove some bits without distorting the meaning:

When it comes to women, I am physically attracted to feminine figures but personality-wise there is something intriguing about girls with a masculine aspect to their character which some girlfags have. Spoiler: [...] I find it a huge turn on when a girl likes to watch 2 or more boys together.

When it comes to group fun, unlike most men, I have zero interest in MFF threesomes and in fact the thought of 2 girls touching each other's [redacted] is kind of gross to me. I love MMF where the girl is not the centre of attention and gets off on watching (for example making love to a beautiful boy while a girl eagerly watches, kisses and touches us and gets herself off with her hands). I also like MMMF or any larger combination as long as there is at least a 2/1 Boy/girl ratio. Most of the porn I watch or read is MMF, M with TG girls or sometimes MM. I find MF boring and FF worse.

So when I read this I thought this doesn't sound like what I'd want dynamic wise at all. I don't even really want to see most of the guys who are topping in (visual) porn. Very particular about it if I'm reading fanfiction etc. I think the underlying sexuality of most of the group he's talking to is similar to me (not necessarily in terms of preferences in partner but other details,) and so it's interesting to think about how this post would be received in general.

And the next post on this near dead livejournal community seemed to be a response to him. In particular a response to the part of his post where he talked about what type of sex he prefers with women (and she really did emphasise this a lot and how she hated heteronormative sex esp the type he wanted, and how she was only into the idea of topping. Like it was so blatant it was really amusing but I'm not quoting it all. I actually read her post before the second one and then later was like 'Oh I see what happened here.')

I'm very much put off by the idea male [topping] females

So I wondered what aspect of that would be appealing to him. It's not just plain exhibitionism since he wants this particular group to watch.

And then I realised there's three possibilities. So the first - sometimes guys like when women watch them be emasculated (according to things that are culturally seen as emasculating,) but that's unlikely to be what's going on here because he's a top and they're all feminine - our current culture does see that as very slightly emasculating but the historical precedent is that you can have gay sex as long as you're a top and it's fine and that still exists in many people's minds.

Another possibility is he likes the idea that women might be into him as a top. Like he wants them to watch him topping other men because it makes his masculinity appear greater - this might be useless with a lot of the group he's selected though as to quote the person who posted after him:

I'm not into crossdressing or role playing at all. I am put off by heteronormativity and an idea where a bottom is a girl.

And I like men who are outwardly men. Different types of men, but men nevertheless. I don't even find femboys attractive. I'm not attracted to women in the slightest. So I would say I'm a total gay meaning gay (homosexual) male at this point. Despite I was born female.

I appreciate all the androsexual female-born tops here! I also highly appreciate all the gay (and bi) men bottoms who love us.

That last line feels so pointed lol. Nobody else was posting there for years lol.

And if that's not the case that they're turned off by androgynous guys (because it doesn't turn me off depends on various details,) they're often not going to be attracted to masculinity like that or the idea of bottoming in such a heteronormative dynamic.

But given his preferences for all these groups sexually seem to be similar I don't think he'd see feminine men as being competitors in this way that could be used for that particular fantasy. Although they often are (since most people like this prefer feminine/androgynous men from what I've seen,) so it's not entirely out of the realm of possibility and maybe he just sees them as both sexual targets and competition.

The third possibility is that he likes the idea of cucking or dominating 'girlfags' essentially by making them watch and not really participate. If he is into it for that reason I doubt he's consciously processed that.

Again (I said this in my post before,) not to critique him if he finds someone who's into that.

But this is all kind of tangential so. I think this is a form of sexual competition + incompatibility that isn't acknowledged at all by culture but probably leads to biphobia sometimes.

People have these instinctive reactions but they don't have them for no reason. I also think there are probably multiple reasons for said reaction not just one, as I said before.

To go back to the other side of things Lord Byron seemed like he was probably a top and preferred young guys.

There are two particular archetypes that seem popular with women (though sometimes others as well,) one is this kind of androgynous switch sort of figure that's bisexual like Adonis or probably Dionysus as well usually kind of younger in age. The other is like a kind of masculine bisexual top. Probably like Byron. Both of these archetypes will generally pop up in yaoi and similar works. Slash fanfiction in the West isn't really like this though it's a lot more egalitarian comparatively (not completely but comparatively,) as is most homosexuality in the modern West - it takes that form so that's interesting. Because it doesn't everywhere.

There are three listed common relationship dynamics for homosexual relationships on this wikipedia page - egalitarian, gender structured and age structured.

Although I've heard that yaoi etc is changing that way too recently but I don't read/watch it (I have with a few things a long time ago,) so I'm not really keeping up with current stuff.

In Japan like with glam rock it was pretty common for visual kei rockstars to present in androgynous ways and do 'fan service' which consists of pretending to be bisexual. There's a theory for this below but I don't think this is the whole story:

The explicit fan fiction and homoerotic acts on the stage by some musicians called fan sabisu (fan service; a sexual term borrowed from manga culture), are related to the Lacanian man's type of desire (to be recognized by the other, desire of the other), i.e. the female fans do not desire the musician himself, but his desire; a kind of cultural social training ground for the inescapable process of learning how to desire.[90]

I think there are two things going on often simultaneously one is what they describe 'the desire for desire' which I'd generally refer to as 'comp het' (but it doesn't have to be heterosexual really,) it's what Contrapoints is talking about here as well:



But it's easy to see the difference when you find someone really hot and aren't just attracted to the desire and to differentiate between the two.

Another thing is when quizzed on this many people who are into 'this kind of thing' want a dick, and don't know how to/can't express their sexuality and/or are quiet passive/schizoid about it. Don't want to be sexually aggressive etc. Some will admit they consume content like this because they can't do it irl and so whichever character they identify more with can have sex for them with the character they're more attracted to.

Though at least on Tumblr there are some very sexually aggressive people in these fandoms too at least in how they express their sexuality online in their posts. And when you get to that stage you can probably start imagining yourself at least, even if you can't do it irl.

There's definitely an age factor and the 'testing ground learning how to desire' part makes sense. Though some people are just paraphilic voyeurs at the end of the day as well and that's unlikely to change when it's exclusive.

I also find it very interesting that Lancan apparently said this: "man's desire is the desire of the Other." Because as a general rule that's a stereotype of female sexuality (and this really is where the whole 'comphet' thing came about imo,) not male sexuality. In fact there's a famous old quote I think about that. Maybe that or maybe there are multiple quotes:

A man's desire is for the woman, but the woman's desire is rarely other than for the desire of the man.

Of course as I said, it's really easy to differentiate imo.

Watching some romance film because you like the emotional reactions the characters have for each other = whatever that thing is/comp het (I personally don't like it directed at myself by people I'm not attracted to though.)

Staring at 53953535 gifs of some random rock star to the point where it sometimes feels painful = actual attraction to the person.



And you just want to do 'x, y, z' to him. I think that's often discouraged and repressed in women. So they're less likely to express it. Perhaps rockstars (or anyone,) that suggest they're bisexual or who seem to have a certain energy/vibe seem like safe targets to eroticise more aggressively. 'Well if they're OK with this, perhaps they won't see me aggressively pursuing them as a threat to their masculinity?' That thought process wouldn't necessarily be conscious of course.

I don't know though. Personally I just think long hair etc is very hot and they pull lots of erotic/emotive expressions while singing and many are skinny/slim (hot,) and I'm obsessed with music (some music can be hot.) That's why a lot of musicians are attractive to me. Weird thing about nerds, glasses, goths, libraries, various clothing items, intelligence, other groups/fetish interests too.



It's such a problem that I have to talk about everything I'm interested in constantly. Oh my God. I mean it's weird enough when it's a generic interest like music but when the interest is specific and something that annoys a lot of people like this that's bad and then when you're just posting gifs of people you find attractive because you have to keep talking about them too. And I've always been like this. But these days it's like I'm just posting online just don't post the gifs. So unnecessary and shouldn't be hard. Why do I exist? (I swear to [you clearly don't exist] that I'm the best argument against an intelligent creator/design lol.) I have to do it somewhere though and it's better here than in conversations with people. I also don't feel comfortable posting the way I want on social media I guess.

According to Lacan, masculinity involves the posture or pretence of having the phallus, while femininity involve the masquerade of being the phallus.

Why are psychoanalyst's like this?

Byron's obsessive fans are fascinating though like:

In 1812, Byron embarked on a well-publicised affair with the married Lady Caroline Lamb that shocked the British public.[119] She had spurned the attention of the poet on their first meeting, subsequently giving Byron what became his lasting epitaph when she famously described him as "mad, bad and dangerous to know".[120] This did not prevent her from pursuing him.[121][120] Byron eventually broke off the relationship and moved swiftly on to others (such as Lady Oxford), but Lamb never entirely recovered, pursuing him even after he tired of her. She was emotionally disturbed and lost so much weight that Byron sarcastically commented to her mother-in-law, his friend Lady Melbourne, that he was "haunted by a skeleton".[122] She began to stalk him, calling on him at home, sometimes dressed in disguise as a pageboy,[119] at a time when such an act could ruin both of them socially. Once, during such a visit, she wrote on a book at his desk, "Remember me!" As a retort, Byron wrote a poem entitled Remember Thee! Remember Thee! which concludes with the line "Thou false to him, thou fiend to me".

Lol? Actually apparently that was just something she did generally which at this point in my never ending research isn't really surprising to hear:

It was this patriarchal society that Caro attempted to challenge, not least by dressing up as a page boy. While this attire excited the bisexual Byron – and Fraser is too decorous a biographer to detail some of the inevitable consequences of such excitement – it was not an indication of transsexualism. As Fraser writes, while this cross-dressing undeniably hinted at some pansexuality on Lamb's part, 'this does not represent a sincere wish for transition to the masculine gender… as much as a wish for the freedom such a state conveyed’.

'Some pansexuality on Lamb's part' clearly not using pansexuality in the way it's used now. Assuming this was written a significant time ago.

Originally published: 18 May 2023

Now I'm more confused. I wonder if the author even used that word or if the journalist writing that article is confused. Also wondering if they mean genderqueer. Or if they just assume that crossdressing suggests you're bi/pansexual?



I'm wondering how much his avoidant attachment style might have played into it. Because I think that's a safe bet reading about his relationship history. And just anecdotally I've had weird experiences with guys especially online but even irl, and I'm also very avoidant most of the time (though I'm way more sociosexually restricted then I believe he was.)

This is still in 'the bubble' though I think. Like part of the bubble mentioned below (where the characters generally have to be made gay/bi):



How many times will I link this video? Yes.

I think outside of this bubble women are less likely to express attraction and maybe women inside this bubble are more neurodivergent so they end up expressing it more openly than is generally acceptable. Plus, they're not being pursued by guys they're attracted to as often/at all so it becomes an issue. Plus half of them are trans men or something.

[Heelsbythebridge]

I may have consumed a dangerous volume of alcohol

[Doseone]

The concept or perfume/cologne is weird to me. People want to be associated with certain smells. I don't get it. lol.

[Nyctophilia]

It's interesting to me how people obsess over certain archetypes of men historically and today and they're usually bisexual (when the guy isn't bisexual a bunch of people re-write him to be,) but then there's also an intense fear/dislike of it at the same time. What I'm wondering is why does this extreme bipolarity exist?

I was reading a thread yesterday that was kind of old on reddit. I can't remember what I was searching for now but it ended up coming up and so I started reading it. Well the OP itself had been deleted so I was reading through the comments. The original thread was something about a guy who I guess had come out as bisexual to his girlfriend and she hadn't taken it well. Also I think he wanted to be a femboy (based on certain comments/quotes.)

Another reason I've been thinking about this general topic a bunch recently is I watched this video:



And though it addresses the surface level irritations/issues it doesn't delve much deeper than that into the issues bisexual people face. Most people just aren't aware and she doesn't go into it either.

Eg: Studies show bisexual people regardless of gender are more likely to struggle with substance abuse, mental illness, domestic violence + sexual abuse, more likely to be homeless as youth, bisexual women are more likely to be stalked. This compared to heterosexual and homosexual people. Then there's less research on bisexual people compared to homosexual and heterosexual people as well and this becomes even worse when you consider racial/ethnic minorities.

https://rhyclearinghouse.acf.hhs.gov..._Scinoolfi.pdf

Bisexual youth were more likely to have probable depression (OR = 4.06, 95% CI 1.41?11.68 ). Among sexual minority YEH, bisexual youth may be at elevated risk for depression, in addition to more severe homelessness.

There is also reason to believe that even within this LGBQ population, disparities may exist in health and substance use. In the general literature, evidence of sexual minority health disparities has come from studies comparing LGBQ individuals to their heterosexual peers. However, disparities may not be uniform within LGBQ subpopulations. For example, research has identified greater substance use, poorer mental health, and poorer physical health among bisexual populations, not only relative to heterosexuals but also their lesbian and gay peers (Bostwick, Boyd, Hughes, & McCabe, 2010; Caputi, 2018; Dyar et al., 2018; Emory et al., 2016; Kerridge et al., 2017; McCabe, Hughes, Bostwick, West, & Boyd, 2009; Ross et al., 2018; Russell & Fish, 2016; Schuler, Rice, Evans-Polce, & Collins, 2018; Smalley, Warren, & Barefoot, 2016; Wheldon et al., 2018 )

https://mashable.com/article/bisexua...exual-violence

Sixty one percent of bisexual women have experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime, according to a CDC report on its 2010 National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey(opens in a new tab). It's the latest report published by the CDC online that zooms in on sexual orientation and sexual violence, although the survey is ongoing. Meanwhile, 35 percent of straight women and 44 percent of lesbians have had the same experiences, the report found.

The statistics for men are similar: 37 percent of bisexual men have faced these violent acts in relationships, while 29 percent of straight men and 26 percent of gay men have.

Significant predictors of men attacking women are hypermasculinity, investment in the gender binary, and the belief in men's superiority to women, said Palumbo. In those ways, sexual harassment and assault can be a tool to protect the status quo, to oppress women and other gender minorities.

You have to be careful though because most of them aren't retarded and some people will larp as groups they notice get attention because they're deemed 'safe' that's why the commercialisation of [BEEP] culture is actually quite dangerous because it attracts the attention of predators and vulnerable narcissists who then pretend to be sociosexually restricted nerdy and/or effeminate 'nice' men while actually being the complete opposite. It's not mutually exclusive either of course anyone can be predatory. Jeffree Star is bisexual and has sexually harassed men. Like just groping strangers on video.

Happens in the music industry as well of course. A lot of the glam rock bands and their fanbases were actually quite homophobic in spite of their image back in the day and some musicians just end up being pedophiles or baby rapists (Ian whatever his name is from Lost Prophets, Gary Glitter.) or this guy:

Since the allegations first surfaced in 2009, at least 21 women have made sexual assault, child molestation, and rape allegations against Vanity.[27] Former bandmates Garrett Ecstasy, who left the band in 2009, and Jayy Von Monroe, who left in 2016, have described Vanity as a sexual predator. In an interview with television journalist Chris Hansen, Jayy Von Monroe accused Vanity of abuse as well, stating that Vanity forced him to tour without his HIV medication which caused him to nearly contract AIDS.

I always thought their music was really [BEEP] too. I heard like one song and was like 'nope.' just instantly done with the band lol:



And I'm not picky. I listen to so much stuff from commercial pop to death metal. Not that people who have similar reputations can't have good music either I like a lot of Marilyn Manson's work after all but in this case they didn't even have that. Sorry to the other band members. It was honestly his voice that was annoying me the most (actually the whole thing isn't my cup of tea though listening again, just put together I don't like it lol,) and it's not like I don't like high pitched vocals either I mean:



In fact this might not even be fair since I enjoy some of Blink 182's music (but that's mostly nostalgia. I was young when I started listening to Blink 182. I mean Blood on The Dance Floor started way after the whole pop punk thing started,) it's not that much better vocally:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K7l5ZeVVoCA

I mean it is the kind of music you listen to when you're like 12/13.

but with that other track I was just like. 'NOPE.' after listening to that song lol. Nails on a chalkboard.

I think it can be possible to differentiate but it might be harder when you're younger and there's no way to know 100% so it's going to keep happening especially since creative people like being edgy/experimental and weird. It's also probably easier to pick up on narcissistic traits than just general sexual predators but everyone has these traits to some degree.

And while I've gone down this tangent. The whole 'scene' subculture thing on Myspace that followed emo seemed a bit fucked. Half those musicians I'm aware of have been accused of various sexual abuse stuff or were just otherwise kind of assholes and constantly surrounded by drama. Jeffree Star, that guy from Blood on The Dancefloor, the other guy what is his name William Control. The latter wasn't really part of that I guess maybe with his band Aiden. I don't think there was a clearly defined music genre for that scene lol the 'scene scene' who came up with that name? But he had links to it like Jeffree Star was in one of Aiden's music videos I noticed. He hung out with everyone though.

Obviously not all the allegations are necessarily true but with some it's fairly obvious they have serious issues. There's just so many and even their band members have stories.

I didn't really get into most of this music at the time (with the exception of a few songs I heard at the time and thought were OK/bad.) I either dismissed it or checked it out a few years ago because by 2009-2012 when most of those bands were kind of coming up I'd moved on to like The Birthday Massacre, A Perfect Circle, The Cure (still I started listening to them in 2006-2007,) Eluveitie, God is An Astronaut, etc this song:



^ This is amazing btw.

(trying to think what I was listening to on spotify during the first period I was using it. I stopped when they started charging for it or something like that. Eventually they changed that but I was just listening to music on YouTube at that point so didn't switch back. I made a new account the other day though so I could listen to music while travelling, since I can't seem to access my old account now)

And none of the newer 'scene' type bands were as good as Green Day, The Offspring, The Distillers, Alkaline Trio, My Chemical Romance etc. I'd say what I heard ranged from 'this is OK to - wow this is terrible.'

This is now a pop punk post.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Abrn8aVQ76Q



Jesus of Suburbia is great so fair (I actually don't know the other song she named because I haven't listened to most of their newer stuff lol,) but how can you not say Panic Song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ojZmvo30mCM

How can you not say *insert long list of songs here* no I couldn't answer that question really.

This is one of the most nostalgic ones:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i8dh9gDzmz8

Oh and this is why people are so neurotic about everything now I guess it has an incredibly toxic destructive effect on subcultures and communities:



Back on topic:

In 2018, Canada's national statistical office collected similar data as the CDC: Bisexual people in Canada experienced more physical and sexual assault(opens in a new tab) than gay and straight people.

Recent research has also found that bi people are at a higher risk for sexual violence. And that societal attitudes towards bisexual people haven't improved over time.

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs...urnalCode=fapa

Drawing on interviews with 20 self-identified bisexual women, this paper contributes to the limited psychological literature on bisexual women by exploring their experiences of social marginalisation. These (mainly white and middle class) British bisexual women reported that they did not feel at home in either lesbian or lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender communities, nor in the wider (heteronormative) society. They identified a number of understandings ? bisexuality as a temporary phase on the path to a fully realised lesbian or heterosexual identity and bisexuals as immature, confused, greedy, untrustworthy, highly sexual and incapable of monogamy ? which they reported as arising from lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender communities and the wider society. The women refuted these accounts which they stated did not reflect their experiences of bisexual identity and which positioned bisexuality as invisible and invalid.

So bisexual people aren't materially existing as heterosexual. Though it might seem that way.

I don't see many people bring these points up in discussion about this it's just sort of 'it's annoying to be erased.' Yeah it is but it's a bit worse than that culturally. It's similar with non-binary people you're more likely to be rejected for medical transition, more likely to suffer with mental health issues, more likely to be sexually abused etc.

I find this quite frustrating too as someone who doesn't fit neatly into categories and people don't agree on my sexuality at all and I avoid labelling it. A lot of people view me as heterosexual. Also get stuff like 'you're just a straight girl in denial.' (This happens especially when the topic of gender comes up because people want to misgender me and push a kind of stock character.) I've also had people view me as a lesbian (including homophobic bullying/harassment,) asexual, and I guess to some extent my friend (who I was previously in an asexual relationship with,) views me as bisexual as well as asexual. I don't id as asexual. I was questioning my sexuality in that relationship and felt 'greysexual' kind of worked but not really using that label now because it feels too inflexible. Especially as people assumed it was the same thing as asexual. He mentioned that I don't seem to be attracted to the most manly men or womanly women but I don't really remember talking about women with him ever (and I don't tend to talk about women as often as guys,) but maybe I did at some point and forgot.

So it's a pain when your own brain defies categories but then it doesn't stop there (in your own brain,) because people just have various different you's inside their head not just regarding sexuality. And they're always so sure of themselves haha. OK well please consult with all the others I guess. And part of that is masking properly. There was a tumblr meme lol I can't find it like 'when all the people you know from different places are in the same room' and then had this image of the Simpsons cat in some kind of mutant form breathing fire.

Also in that bisexual video this comment was funny: 'Hi I know you're lesbian but I'm a femboy and I really want to lose my virginity do you think you can help?' How is anyone supposed to respond to that though? If it's a YouTube comment anyway, maybe it wasn't. You're not exactly going to respond to that publicly are you? I probably wouldn't do that because (aside from the fact I don't do piv which is probably what he means,) it seems like a bad idea to start going down that route on YouTube or in entertainment generally because of the parasocial thing and then they'd obviously have to be attractive too and there's the part where in this case the person has ignored that they think they're a lesbian (of course they're not, but still.) And approaching that way suggests they might get a bit obsessive later on if it doesn't work out or you don't want to continue things etc.

Some of those comments are actually hilarious tbh:

'I thought you were a lesbian rather than atheistic'

What 😂

[Nyctophilia]

^ Also I'm beginning to think that Jordan Peterson's universal theory of everything he disagrees with/dislikes is just 'they're high openness and creative' lol.

Genderfluid? = creative

multiple personality disorder/dissociative identity disorder? = creative

Politically left wing? = Creative.

He does this in so many videos. This video below was in no way as interesting as the title (and so I'm very disappointed, I know he can do better he once went on a rant about how onlyfans girls are part cyborg,) but he does go off half way through on a tangent about liberals and 'open people' again:



And here he's decided to cosplay as twoface or something:



^ Regarding that UK clinic closing he's trying to push a narrative by omission which is something he does from time to time. They closed the clinic down because it couldn't meet demand. There were insane wait lists etc (there is for all ages in the UK,) and so opened more locally. I'm not aware if it's gotten better most likely not.

The rest of what he said is crap too since aside from the people who try to suck up to people like him nobody is being told they have to medically transition (and you know go stealth/blend in with cis people because they're one of the good ones,) or that they were born in the wrong body. That's an incredibly old and simplistic narrative among transsexual people who often don't agree with that today. There's certainly not a single view on that point. Most do believe in the importance of body autonomy though.

We're also trying to/want to improve medical transition/tech options and access to these things including womb transplants, artificial wombs, androgynous genital surgery, more hrt options - SERMs, so you can get feminisation without breast growth, people have been working on other alternative hormones like SARMs etc but not approved in most places atm, what you want to do if create things that are incredibly targeted to modify very specific things separately. This obviously isn't just for trans people I'm sure most men don't want to lose their hair if given the choice... And many people would/are benefiting from artificial wombs and womb transplants. Womb transplants have already been done but only successfully on cis women. The first attempt I think was in Germany on a trans woman who died but it's possible there was some other attempt at some point in Human history wouldn't be surprised.) We're also restructuring the whole of culture to avoid people being forced to medically transition and look a certain way to fit in when they don't want to as a specific gender when they still have social dysphoria and a non-cisgender identity, and all of this is what people really hate And I know they hate it because why are anti trans 'women's rights' groups arguing that we should stop doing medical research on genetic male people gestating because it somehow harms women? And they hate surrogacy etc. You are so transparent.

It's not... Going to make sense to most people now obviously. Nothing ever does. It's going to seem horrifying. You look back and are like 'oh OK, this important/cool stuff we have now started then.' And obviously lots of stuff doesn't work out as well. But he's a reactionary so he doesn't think that way (which also makes it ironic that he claims to be 'high in openness' imo.)

'They have colourful hair and piercings so they're creative' hmm. But that's very common now isn't it? And you all made it into a stereotype. You're still seven-twelve years behind (it happens increasingly with age.) I'm only one-three years behind so we queering you/Jesus/Abby Shapiro now. It's all about the 70s, Jesus, conservatism, surrealism, post-irony, 1920s, roman statues, cottagecore, true crime, dark academia, liminal spaces, psychedelics, #vanlife etc:



Not an official music video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q2K0L_9Hl9E

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xu-t3tqDyAY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LNxWTS25Tbk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QrC8yyp32wY





OK there are wigs/unnatural hair here kinda (this video is 8 years old but all of this stuff loops forever hauntologically for starters and secondly this is just a great music video. Has to have inspired Contrapoints work somehow...):



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N8DbxAqPim8

Well some of this he knows that's why he's started to speak about psychedelics recently but I know he's haunted by 2016's university students harassing him.